By Ox Drover
Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That’s a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing.
I’ve always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life?
I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner.
I’ll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of cattle that I raised to provide meat, which I sold. So my product was meat, but my means of production was my cows having healthy calves, nursing those calves with plenty of milk, and being good mothers to the calves. If a cow did not have a calf because she had a fertility problem, she was an “unproductive” worker, so I had to fire her. Even if I was attached to her, and she was otherwise a nice cow, if she did not give birth to a calf every year, I could not afford to feed her (or “pay her salary”). If a cow was not having a calf, I noticed her lack of “production” and terminated her without too many tears, because I realized if I had a pasture full of cows that did not have calves, my farm would go “bankrupt.”
Suppose old “Bessie” hadn’t had a calf in five years, but she is so very sweet, and never kicks at me, so how could I in good conscience get rid of her, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and nuzzles my hand when I go to feed her? Or how about old “Bell”? She has a calf every year, but she has a bad udder and doesn’t give any milk, so the calf always dies, but it really isn’t her fault, she just had an infection that caused her udder not to produce any more milk, and she really is so sweet, so what’s a little more feed anyway?
Or how about that old bull? I really do hate to get rid of him, he is so pretty, but he does tear down fences and go walkabout a couple of times a week.
How long before I would have nothing but a bunch of very decorative live pasture-art? My farm would go bankrupt because I let my emotions and excuses for why those animals were not “carrying their weight” influence me to keep on feeding unproductive stock.
I had little if any problem getting rid of unproductive or disruptive cows on my farm, because I knew that if I kept cows in my herd that cost more than they produced, or caused trouble for me or the rest of the herd by tearing down fences, trying to hurt me, or just in general causing problems, my farm would start to cost more than it brought in and I would go “bankrupt.”
So why didn’t I apply these same principles to my life that I did to my business? Well, first of all I let emotional attachment to “friends” and “family” who were “costing” me more than they produced to stay on my “emotional payroll.”
I had “friends” who only seemed to come around when they needed something, but after all, they really were in a bind, and maybe it wasn’t entirely their fault. I also had friends who seemed to think it was my responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. I had friends and family who seemed to think that I owed them “unconditional love” because I gave birth to them, and no matter what they did, how badly they treated me, or used and abused me, I had to “play nice” with them.
How come if a cow even shook her head threateningly at me she was immediately hamburger, no matter how many calves she had or how fat she nursed them, and I had no problem at all sending her off to the butcher, but I couldn’t stand up to a “friend” or a family member and say, “Don’t treat me like that!”
I knew how to run a business, and I knew what made a business profitable or bankrupt. Why did I not know how to run a life and how to make it profitable and good? I let my life go bankrupt emotionally. Why did I think that things were going to change or get better if I simply allowed more output than there was income to continue? I kept giving to those in my life, but never receiving.
In our lives there are always times we give more than we get in supporting our friends and family, but if this is a continual occurrence, over time we become physically, financially and emotionally “bankrupt.” We must receive as well as give to friends and family.
Now, while I don’t literally run my “life” like I do the farm, figuratively I do. When a person is disruptive to the peace of my life, just like a cow with a dangerous attitude, I terminate them from my “pasture” so that I am not in danger of being hurt. If a person is always taking and never giving, that person is also removed from my “pasture” as unproductive. If a person is always breaking the rules and “jumping the fences” and causing trouble, what do I need that person in my life for? To get me out of bed at 2 a.m. to post their bail? To pay their rent because they can never seem to keep a job?
The people who are now in my life give as much as they receive, show respect for me and for the fences (boundaries) in my life. They don’t stand around waiting for me to bring them a bucket of “feed,” but they get out and hustle up their own, and take responsibility for themselves. I can count on these people to do what they say they will do, and to be trustworthy individuals.
My life is now more “profitable” than it has ever been and that “profit” is laid up as a big “bank account” filled to the brim with PEACE, LOVE and JOY! I am the richest woman in the world.
Very interesting and enlightening thread going on here, I can see myself in it, always afraid to ask for what I want because I would be abandoned. Thank you for discussing your innermost fears, it helps everyone, more than you know!
Thanks for all your comments. I find them so interesting, and it’s rewarding to me that you got something out of it.
shabbychic, you’re welcome. But don’t we all have the same damned fears? I suspect we all have basically the same voices in our minds, leftover from the years when we needed people to teach us how to take care of ourselves. Now we have to go back and shut them off, explaining that we really are grown-up now and make these decisions by ourselves without their constant nagging.
Erin, just namaste, honey. My spirit honors yours.
Skylar, I am so impressed by your analysis of sociopaths that I read on other threads. You seem to understand the dynamics of personal dysfunction so well. As you say, relaxing into life is a good thing. Most of it isn’t in our control anyway; we might as well enjoy the show. But it really helps to have a great relationship with ourselves first. I’m glad you’re getting something out of the writing.
Stargazer, you got it. We are attracted to selfish people, because we are relatively undeveloped in that area. And the more undeveloped we are, the more likely to mistake selfishness for competence. Because if we’re not selfish, we’re not competent to take care of ourselves. I made this mistake over and over, glomming onto people that I thought were more competent than me, because I was no good at dealing with all kinds of tough situations. It turned out that the solution was not a stronger partner (which created all kinds of difficult relationship dynamics), but simply learning to myself seriously. Caring more about what I wanted than whether people liked me.
Oxy, welcome back. Your living history vacation sounds fabulous, made me nostalgic for when I used to do it. But I don’t think I ever enjoyed it as much as you do. I can’t believe you lost the lying contest. I wish we could see your performance, we could all send in our votes and demand a recount.
Love —
Kathy
Dear Kathy,
Yep, it was fabulous and I NEEDED it, and next Friday I ahve anaother demo at a middle school (5th grade) that we do every year and I am so looking forward to it.
then thanksgiving week, we have one of my favorite camps for the entire week of thanksgiving and I LOVE that one. I cam so looking forward to those, because that will probably be about the last ones till march when we have our 5-state regional for 2 entire weeks (I’m going this coming year or BUST!) Haven’t been to it since the x P-BF showed up to remind me! He will probably be there this coming year, but I won’t care! TOWANDA TO ME!!!!
I am starting to get strong enough to “exorcise” these bad spirits out of my heart and mind if not out of my physical “territory”—-so it is a stronger, better and wiser Oxy that goes out to win the frontier again and teach them little kidlets about the “way it uster be.” I never did outgrow playing “dress up” and “let’s pretend that we….” LOL
Yea, I hate it I lost the lying contest, but there is always next year, and I will do the “rooster” story and that will win for “shure.” I still shake my head at this old man, though, he was soooooo good, better than Paul Bunyon even!
Stronger is good.
This week I realized it’s been 11 years since I got involved with the S, and five and a half years since I got him physically out of my life.
Time is the great healer. When I read about Louise’s strategy for getting over it, I am simply awed by her head-down, no-distractions approach to eliminating her ex from her mind and thoughts. It makes me wonder if I could have healed faster, if I hadn’t gone through all these emotional stages of trauma processing.
But then I realize that I just couldn’t. Because I wasn’t so hammered by pain just from him. This was older stuff that he’d surfaced. I needed to finally get down to healing my ancient history. And it was a good thing. I’m a lot better now, stronger, like myself a lot better.
And maybe next time I get bamboozled by a baddie, if ever, I’ll be more capable of just eradicating the poison by sheer force of will. Because I just don’t want that junk in my mind or my life.
I mention it, because that reminds me of some things that you’ve written about lately. Just disposing of problems without have to go through much drama at all. Just “no, that doesn’t work for me” and here’s the boot.
If so, hooray. That’s a strength I look forward to.
Kathleen,
It’s so nice to have you on the board again. I love how much you share with all of us. How well you share it.
Slim
Kathleen,
I don’t know if you saw my post on another thread, but I think when your P/S is put in prison, it is a HUGE validation and also enforces NC, and also the “punishment” (if you long for that) is taken care of. So perhaps how it ends also effects what we need to process to heal and the stages.
I’m just heading over to read your blog on anger. I’m sick and so some old anger is rising up! 🙂
Yea, Kathy,
I am starting to get where I can just “give’m the boot”—much better, but there are still days that I am not where I want to be, but FEWER of those surface and when I realize they are surfacing, I kind of tap myself not so gently on the top of the head with the cast iron skillet and say “stop that NOW, Oxy!” and I am learning to trust myself not to let myself misbehave so-to-speak, to not do what is RIGHT for me, to not take care of myself.
In fact, today I was sooooo, wayyyyy so tired, that I just told son D to “please unpack and put away the stuff you know where goes, and I am NOT going to feel guilty for not doing my fair share!” He looked at me and said “YOU LIE, I know you are feeling guilty, but you quit that!” and we laughed and I didn’t do much around here at all that required physical exertion and guess what, I did NOT feel guilty (you have to learn to mind those kids, especially when they are right!)
Now that evening is here, I no longer feel like I slept under a bridge abutment on top of a rock with a bottle of moonshine, so the stuff I didn’t do today will be waiting there for me tomorrow but I will feel like tackling it! Instead of working physically, I have worked on relaxing, recouping my strength physical and mentally, and not feeling guilty about taking a rest. Now I’m going to go have a nice long, hot soak in the tub and wash my hair and then read. The perfect end to a perfect day! Taking care of ME. I deserve it, and no one (especially ME) is going to deprive me of what I need!
PS I didn’t mean my above post to detract in any way (!) from the amazing process Louise went through. That would be amazing no matter what the circumstances, and in my next trauma (if there is one) I plan to implement those techniques from the get go. I do that pretty much when someone dies, to get me over my grief, so I’m hopeful!
Dear JAH,
In some ways it is EASIER when someone dies rather than betrays us, the betrayal is a “death” in and of itself, and the fact that they did it and enjoyed it makes it doubly painful.
At least (except in the case of suicide) you know they didn’t die just to make you hurt!
In learning the things we do here on LF so that eventually if we get zinged again by betrayal at least we know what the heck hit us and that is 90% of the process I think!
Agree Oxy. Except when my mom died, she left a note that was clearly meant to deeply hurt me some more, and send me on a never ending guilt trip. In ways, it was a blessing, because it sure helped speed up my grieving process. 🙂 I don’t think that is quite what she intended.
It was such a shock to think that she planned, very deliberately, how to hurt me some more after her death! It just showed how deep her problems were. There was only one way to interpret what she wrote. I didn’t get it wrong.