By Ox Drover
Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That’s a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing.
I’ve always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life?
I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner.
I’ll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of cattle that I raised to provide meat, which I sold. So my product was meat, but my means of production was my cows having healthy calves, nursing those calves with plenty of milk, and being good mothers to the calves. If a cow did not have a calf because she had a fertility problem, she was an “unproductive” worker, so I had to fire her. Even if I was attached to her, and she was otherwise a nice cow, if she did not give birth to a calf every year, I could not afford to feed her (or “pay her salary”). If a cow was not having a calf, I noticed her lack of “production” and terminated her without too many tears, because I realized if I had a pasture full of cows that did not have calves, my farm would go “bankrupt.”
Suppose old “Bessie” hadn’t had a calf in five years, but she is so very sweet, and never kicks at me, so how could I in good conscience get rid of her, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and nuzzles my hand when I go to feed her? Or how about old “Bell”? She has a calf every year, but she has a bad udder and doesn’t give any milk, so the calf always dies, but it really isn’t her fault, she just had an infection that caused her udder not to produce any more milk, and she really is so sweet, so what’s a little more feed anyway?
Or how about that old bull? I really do hate to get rid of him, he is so pretty, but he does tear down fences and go walkabout a couple of times a week.
How long before I would have nothing but a bunch of very decorative live pasture-art? My farm would go bankrupt because I let my emotions and excuses for why those animals were not “carrying their weight” influence me to keep on feeding unproductive stock.
I had little if any problem getting rid of unproductive or disruptive cows on my farm, because I knew that if I kept cows in my herd that cost more than they produced, or caused trouble for me or the rest of the herd by tearing down fences, trying to hurt me, or just in general causing problems, my farm would start to cost more than it brought in and I would go “bankrupt.”
So why didn’t I apply these same principles to my life that I did to my business? Well, first of all I let emotional attachment to “friends” and “family” who were “costing” me more than they produced to stay on my “emotional payroll.”
I had “friends” who only seemed to come around when they needed something, but after all, they really were in a bind, and maybe it wasn’t entirely their fault. I also had friends who seemed to think it was my responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. I had friends and family who seemed to think that I owed them “unconditional love” because I gave birth to them, and no matter what they did, how badly they treated me, or used and abused me, I had to “play nice” with them.
How come if a cow even shook her head threateningly at me she was immediately hamburger, no matter how many calves she had or how fat she nursed them, and I had no problem at all sending her off to the butcher, but I couldn’t stand up to a “friend” or a family member and say, “Don’t treat me like that!”
I knew how to run a business, and I knew what made a business profitable or bankrupt. Why did I not know how to run a life and how to make it profitable and good? I let my life go bankrupt emotionally. Why did I think that things were going to change or get better if I simply allowed more output than there was income to continue? I kept giving to those in my life, but never receiving.
In our lives there are always times we give more than we get in supporting our friends and family, but if this is a continual occurrence, over time we become physically, financially and emotionally “bankrupt.” We must receive as well as give to friends and family.
Now, while I don’t literally run my “life” like I do the farm, figuratively I do. When a person is disruptive to the peace of my life, just like a cow with a dangerous attitude, I terminate them from my “pasture” so that I am not in danger of being hurt. If a person is always taking and never giving, that person is also removed from my “pasture” as unproductive. If a person is always breaking the rules and “jumping the fences” and causing trouble, what do I need that person in my life for? To get me out of bed at 2 a.m. to post their bail? To pay their rent because they can never seem to keep a job?
The people who are now in my life give as much as they receive, show respect for me and for the fences (boundaries) in my life. They don’t stand around waiting for me to bring them a bucket of “feed,” but they get out and hustle up their own, and take responsibility for themselves. I can count on these people to do what they say they will do, and to be trustworthy individuals.
My life is now more “profitable” than it has ever been and that “profit” is laid up as a big “bank account” filled to the brim with PEACE, LOVE and JOY! I am the richest woman in the world.
Matt,
I agree. I went through all of my life believing that people were the same as me, (i.e. underneath well intentioned and loving), and I didn’t “get it” until the last P partner.
Ever since then I have made true friends in my life. I take a long time to suss them out. Like a year ! If they stick by me no matter what, then I know I can trust them and I am loyal forever. If they don’t then they are dish water. i.e. I don’t value their friendship for a minute longer. I can’t stand “friends” who “turn” (on you). I have the best friends in my life right now. I know i can count on them no matter what and vice versa. There are not many. But they are real.
I am lagging behind you in the “intimate partner relationship” Matt. I can’t trust enough yet, in that area, but I am confident that one day I will. NO hurry.
I can certainly get rid of people in my life that abuse me or turn on me or are obviously not there for me and never will be. I have just ditched my only daughter after 30 years of hard- labour -loving. She is a psychopath and I didn’t realise it until now. Its over. I have almost ditched my middle son as he abuses me by omission. So I doubt very much if I can be there for him, when and if he ever turns up. I don’t chase after him at all anymore.
I ditched the psychopath parents and they are ready to die….the guilt kills me. I still don’t know if it is the right thing to do as my mother is a paraplegic and 85 years old and my father near death and they will both die very soon. But I am no contact. So I got the message and i do it everyday. I fight back when i am abused and make sure that they know why. Then after sussing them out, if I believe they are psychopathic I go no contact. Strictly.
I believe every word that Robert Hare has ever written in regard to psychopaths. And I am on the war path with him to help society find the answer to the “deadly mystery of the psychopath”. I agree that society will have staggering and irrepairable damage and implications if this disorder isnt made a priority very soon.
In my personal life, my life depends on the psychopath being recognised in a court of law.
In my private life, until I can wholly trust again in an intimate relationship, there is no hope of ever having a companion to grow old with and share and witness the joys of each other.
I am dedicated to getting the psychopaths and the cluster B’s (especially the borderlines) out of my life once and for all.
When I say that I love them from afar, what I mean is matt, I have stopped wanting to kill them. Especially the last one. I don’t want to be anywhere near him or his world and so i don’t want to revenge him. I know he is in pain by being incapable of love. So I don’t care about him anymore. Its awesome Matt. And its not just for a few days. Its been like this for weeks!
Matt, it is about 16 days until NC for one YEAR with the ex boyfriend pyschopath….and I REALLY don’t want him any where near me anymore! And we will both be celebrating in the same week our escape and the biggest lesson of our lives !! And in our own way we have both turned the corner!! Life is about to get GREAT MATT!! TOWANDA!
justabouthealed:
I have been vegetarian most of my life and only eat white meat occasionally, for celebrations. Its much cheaper too! I know that animals have lots of emotions. But I too suffer from (can’t remember the name) something like “anomophroism”, what it means is we project our love onto the animal as if it loves as back the same. But in fact, the animal will “love” whoever has the food or whoever makes a fuss of it! lol!
Dear Oxy. Thank you so much for your timely blog. What a great analogy! This blog and the blog by Kathy led to the big AHA-Moment I had this week. That I am allowed to see people for what outcome we have together, and do check and balances, and when there is no equilibrium to end it at least emotionally. Use people for a good cause with consent of both parties is completely OK.
So far I even eliminated the thought of “using” people from my consciousness. I had to be emotionally attached to ALL the people I work with, be at least in a neutral relationship, and I was very good in “explaining away” transgressions or awful behaviour towards me, as I am an expert in “blame catching”.
The bigot colleague is the very first overt passive aggressive person I have ever worked with and to whom I set firm boundaries myself (potted plant treatment from my side) as it became unbearable after the X was out of my life and after I started to notice emotionally her aggressiveness that came through as “silent treatment” not noticable for all the others at first.
We will be just the two of us next week as everybody else is in holidays.
But I also “use” my patients, I make a living and would be unemployed if there were no sickness (gosh how I whish THAT!). To ABuse them with ill intent (being nice to them because they are interesting to do research on them or get out MORE money than necessary for example) is something completely different. They have the right and obligation in my opinion to change the doctor, as we have the obligation towards our self respect to go away from bad relationships, be they personal or professional.
Also cattle treated nicely give more milk than badly treated ones. The IG-noble prize went this year to a group which discovered that cows with names give more milk than cows with numbers. Everybody laughed at it but I think that there is some truth in it. After all they are creatures with feelings as well, and deserve respect we ought to give towards every creature (even X, I respect him but I am VERY glad I have him out of my life. I must however also admit that without him I would have not made the HUGE emotional leap, I would not have found LF and you and Kathy and Louise and Matt and Skylar and JillSmith and Wini and Shabbychic and Steven and all the others)
Thank you so much for clarifying, that the ILL INTENT behind the using is key, and that I am able and allowed to “run my life” on my own conditions.
I wish you all a pleasant weekend!
Dear Tilly, Shabby, Matt, JAH, Oxy, I just read all your entries (I responded to the entry article first), and I am most humbled by what you all have endured. The worst thing that happened to me was a son of a patient who said “when father dies other people will die as well” looking at me. It was just prior to my holidays three weeks ago. It was so scary and I can’t fathom your pain Tilly you must feel when you LOVER was saying things like that to you. Unimaginable!
I invited me myself and I to Berlin, and we (pluralis majestatis!) had a great time. I once shortly reminded me of my family surely being grumbling and protesting in the third museum in a row, not doing big shopping and heavy cake eating, and me paying for it out of guilt for being responsible for their ill temper tantrums…. It made me even feel better! I really did not miss any of them, and had great conversations with the museum people and waiters and theater critics and the like. It was wonderful experiencing that I can have a great time with myself and be able to entertain myself and knowing EXACTLY what I want and not having to pay attention to grumbling people with sore feet and bad moods.
I can so relate to you, Shabby, I am avoiding my sister as well because out of a feeling of being used and not well respected. I am just busy, no explanation. I am not doing any more slave’s work in her garden. I also did not go to spend the actual holidays with her and my niece although she invited me to join them. During my last holidays in February this year she constantly kept us waiting for days. We had planned a week of skiing in the alps, we have a little cottage in the alps near our home base, and she was still busy in her office and wanted to join us every noon, (the office is 30 minutes drive away), but she did not show up until late in the evening, every day, and once she did not come at all, and my niece (6 years old!) was desperately seeking for her mum. It broke my heart seeing my sister treating us like our parents did treat us. So it was not me having a great time with my godchild but trying to play over my VERY bad feelings of being betrayed for my very precious spare time I was intended to have fun, and not to make my niece unhappy.
Next week will be the next disaster, as the parents (N/P) have their golden wedding, and my obligation to organize a small lunch for the inner circle of the family is obstructed by my brother and his awful wife. He is the Golden child, and they both have been very heavily profiting from our parents, and just because my mother said no to a very hefty financial burden he asked from them recently makes him very unthankful and rude! It makes me so angry but maybe it is better when they are not coming anyway.
So I do not have a family really, but I have myself, and some good friends (as Shabby, sometimes I ask myself why they do not call me). I think every relationship has its pace, and when I call and it is like I just have interrupted the conversation even after a long time then it feels right then it is wonderful. When I have to think of conversation themes and end with the weather then I let fade it out.
I will now venture out to the “Dairy fair”- exhibition, although it is raining, and wish you all a peaceful weekend!
sorry Tilly for the typo: “youR lover” and not “you lover”! Arrrrgh!
Libelle, my dear,
Interactions with your patients would be another analogy and since I too was in (family) medicine it can be looked at from both the side of the practitioner and the patient.
If your patient came to you for treatment and you did not treat them with respect, the patient should NOT continue to come to you, but by the same token, if you did not get cooperation from the patient, and they would lnot follow even a bit of your directions, you should tell them, “sir (or madam) I cannot have a productive relationship with you because you do not even try to treat me with respect or my prescriptions, so I suggest you find another physicician. Our relationship doesn’t work for either of us.”
I have “fired” patients, and I iam sure patients have “fired” me (by not coming back) and I believe it is important in ANY relationship that it WORKS by each party doing what is their responsibility.
A physician works for the patient, but the patient must do THEIR part to cooperate in their own health care, otherwise it will NOT work.
Once I was teaching a diabetic patient (severe diabetes too) about her diet and exercise and how important it was to control of the blood sugar, and she screamed at me “Don’t give me that crap about diet, just give me more insulin so I can eat what I want to eat!!!”
I was not able to treat that patient because nothing I said would motivate her to take responsibility for HER part of her health care. I tried to teach her, tried to MOTIVATE her, but she was NOT INTERESTED in learning or in hearing, so I was not successful with her and I terminated her as a patient. Why waste my time, effort etc. on a patient who was not going to get better because they would not do their part. The entire relationship was a “failure” because ONE party wasn’t keeping up their end of it.
All relationships to one degree or another are TWO way, and we get to choose how we will do our part of these relationships and sometimes we decide the “good” is NOT outweighed by the bad or the effort doesn’t produce a good result.
Sometimes we have relationships that we tolerate a situation where we give and th eother party takes—-like the cows I have now (only 3 of them) and they are no longer REQUIRED to “pay their ways” financially because I keep them because they are gentle and pretty and I lilke to look at them. They are like my dogs, they are my PETS and what I GET is not measured in dollars, but in ENJOYMENT—but there were 4 cows—-and one of them tried to hurt me (long story why) but I now ENJOY her as MEAT! Because there is a limit to what I will tolerate, there are boundaries across which NO one and nothing (animal or human) will be allowed to try to hurt me, even once.
In the past, though, I would have made excuses for PEOPLE who tried to hurt me, and would have given WAY more than I took out of the relationship so that I would end up “bankrupt” from the interaction with them. NO MORE. People who take and take, and never give even enjoyment by their presence are out of my life!
great post Oxy.
That was another much needed reminder. I run business like I run my life, no wonder I’ve never succeeded! In business, I just let the P do manage all the clients. Of course he lied to everyone… but they all kept paying!
Its time for me to learn boundaries in both settings: business and personal
I think this was attributed to Einstein, but “insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”
If you are a “salesperson” and your product is not selling, it is either your sales pitch OR the product. so YOU need to change one or the other, or BOTH.
Unfortunately, I for one, just kept trying to sell the same old product in the same old way, no matter how bad the results were in my personal life.
I could see the financial bottom line in business, but not in my private life WITH MY FAMILY. With people I had no “close” relationship with I didn’t have a problem either, but not with “family and close friends.”
But now I see, that ANYONE who does not bring GOOD into my life, but instead pain, I don’t need them. Got a THIN rolodex now, but VERY HIGH QUALITY!
Dear Libelle,
Thankyou so much for your much needed support. I haven’t felt that here very much lately. I still believe that your pain and others pain is equal to mine. Its just different type of pain with a lot more fear in there now. But it is equal to yours in its depth.
I understand how awful it is to be waiting for your nieces mum, (your sister) all day and to be let down over and over. And you are right. She is just repeating the pattern. But YOU have broken the chain. So it won’t be repeated by YOU and that is the main thing.
My brother is also the “golden child”. But once your N/P parents die Libelle, then he will lose everything. Simply because he hasn’t been taught how to be responsible for himself by having to survive out there in the big wide world. It may take time. But you can count on it.
When I had to have contact with my dysfunctional family I used to decide a time (e.g. two hours or an hour if it was too bad there), before i left home and then I would stick to it. That way you don'[t get as toxified or as abused. And I would arrange for my son or a friend to come with me if it looked like it might get heavy. That way, I had an excuse to leave early without trouble.
Main thing is to try and remember that psychopaths are born that way mostly. Its largely genetic, and you have broken the chain in your behaviour by witnessing it and not repeating it. So if you know that they are incapable of loving you then you can protect yourself, attend to the business of it and get out fast!
I have just been through the fight of my life. But out of it I found out who is a real friend and who is not. Its like every time God gives us a hurdle its a purification. Some people fall away from us and some get stronger in their love for us and vice versa. And its important to get the lesson so that you can move on and up.
xo
Shabbychic,
I can FEEL you. In my early adult life I remember my BF telling me I allowed my “friends” to abuse me. When I shared our “good times” with him he was always aghast at how I allowed her to treat me.
Well she left for a study abroad one year and i never heard from her again….
Now I see I am a co-dependant. Many of us are post-P/S/N even if we weren’t when we met the P/S/N.
I wonder if you are showing signs of this co-dependency and there fore people are keeping you at arms length. I could be wrong, but I have experienced what you experience ie: I call my friends and arrange all the get-togethers, if I am invited to mommy and me gatherings I think/feel it’s just because I have a son and we used to be co-workers..they have to include me, I am not a REAL friend.
I am trying to heal and recognize my CO-Dep behaviors that are pushing people away from me, but even I with the small circle of friends, need to be careful in choosing new friends and weed-out the bad.
If anyone has followed my story, the woman who took me in to protect me from my S turned out to be a little S herself. Borrowed 1,700 dollars, posted MY dog on craigslist without telling me, then cried when I had to give her up, and “evicted” me while I was on vacation and never paid back the $200 for the 2 weeks she wouldn’t let me live there or the $1,700!!!!!
THEY ARE EVERYWHERE