By Ox Drover
Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That’s a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing.
I’ve always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life?
I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner.
I’ll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of cattle that I raised to provide meat, which I sold. So my product was meat, but my means of production was my cows having healthy calves, nursing those calves with plenty of milk, and being good mothers to the calves. If a cow did not have a calf because she had a fertility problem, she was an “unproductive” worker, so I had to fire her. Even if I was attached to her, and she was otherwise a nice cow, if she did not give birth to a calf every year, I could not afford to feed her (or “pay her salary”). If a cow was not having a calf, I noticed her lack of “production” and terminated her without too many tears, because I realized if I had a pasture full of cows that did not have calves, my farm would go “bankrupt.”
Suppose old “Bessie” hadn’t had a calf in five years, but she is so very sweet, and never kicks at me, so how could I in good conscience get rid of her, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and nuzzles my hand when I go to feed her? Or how about old “Bell”? She has a calf every year, but she has a bad udder and doesn’t give any milk, so the calf always dies, but it really isn’t her fault, she just had an infection that caused her udder not to produce any more milk, and she really is so sweet, so what’s a little more feed anyway?
Or how about that old bull? I really do hate to get rid of him, he is so pretty, but he does tear down fences and go walkabout a couple of times a week.
How long before I would have nothing but a bunch of very decorative live pasture-art? My farm would go bankrupt because I let my emotions and excuses for why those animals were not “carrying their weight” influence me to keep on feeding unproductive stock.
I had little if any problem getting rid of unproductive or disruptive cows on my farm, because I knew that if I kept cows in my herd that cost more than they produced, or caused trouble for me or the rest of the herd by tearing down fences, trying to hurt me, or just in general causing problems, my farm would start to cost more than it brought in and I would go “bankrupt.”
So why didn’t I apply these same principles to my life that I did to my business? Well, first of all I let emotional attachment to “friends” and “family” who were “costing” me more than they produced to stay on my “emotional payroll.”
I had “friends” who only seemed to come around when they needed something, but after all, they really were in a bind, and maybe it wasn’t entirely their fault. I also had friends who seemed to think it was my responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. I had friends and family who seemed to think that I owed them “unconditional love” because I gave birth to them, and no matter what they did, how badly they treated me, or used and abused me, I had to “play nice” with them.
How come if a cow even shook her head threateningly at me she was immediately hamburger, no matter how many calves she had or how fat she nursed them, and I had no problem at all sending her off to the butcher, but I couldn’t stand up to a “friend” or a family member and say, “Don’t treat me like that!”
I knew how to run a business, and I knew what made a business profitable or bankrupt. Why did I not know how to run a life and how to make it profitable and good? I let my life go bankrupt emotionally. Why did I think that things were going to change or get better if I simply allowed more output than there was income to continue? I kept giving to those in my life, but never receiving.
In our lives there are always times we give more than we get in supporting our friends and family, but if this is a continual occurrence, over time we become physically, financially and emotionally “bankrupt.” We must receive as well as give to friends and family.
Now, while I don’t literally run my “life” like I do the farm, figuratively I do. When a person is disruptive to the peace of my life, just like a cow with a dangerous attitude, I terminate them from my “pasture” so that I am not in danger of being hurt. If a person is always taking and never giving, that person is also removed from my “pasture” as unproductive. If a person is always breaking the rules and “jumping the fences” and causing trouble, what do I need that person in my life for? To get me out of bed at 2 a.m. to post their bail? To pay their rent because they can never seem to keep a job?
The people who are now in my life give as much as they receive, show respect for me and for the fences (boundaries) in my life. They don’t stand around waiting for me to bring them a bucket of “feed,” but they get out and hustle up their own, and take responsibility for themselves. I can count on these people to do what they say they will do, and to be trustworthy individuals.
My life is now more “profitable” than it has ever been and that “profit” is laid up as a big “bank account” filled to the brim with PEACE, LOVE and JOY! I am the richest woman in the world.
Glinda:
When I was in the midst of ‘realizing’ and I was still with the s….My professional life was humming right along…..
From the outside, I am sure people would have traded places with me in a heartbeat….
I think we throw ourselves into one aspect of our lives as a security measure….as a way to have some sort of control over our lives…..and we can keep up the appearances as ‘all is okay’……(counter productive)…..but I think its great that you were able to maintain an upward rise professionally…..think of how much that must have helped you in your ‘get away’…..
It sure beats going fetal in the corner and letting everything crumble around you huh?
I think you gave yourself a ‘leg up’…..and I commend you for that!
I give you a big WAYTOGO girl!!!
Thanks Erin. I think you make a good point. I had zero control in my personal life…but my work life was MINE. He couldn’t touch it- heck, there’s security at the front doors; he couldn’t have gotten in if he tried! (That came in handy later too!)
I’m known as a company “success story”- they had no idea what my home life was like. I began in a pre-entry level position and managed to get to a place with decent money (5 promotions in the first 2 years) while either being married to or divorcing S’s. Not bad….lol. I’ve been “resting on my laurels” for awhile- I’m comfortable and satisfied for now. Being able to breathe AND pay the bills is all the excitement I need these days.
And yes, the income helped pay for my escape…ironically, that’s the type of car I drive now- bought it right after he went to prison. A Ford Escape. Hadn’t thought about that til just now. hahaha- now that’s funny. Heaven knows, if I didn’t make decent money for the area I live in, the xs wouldn’t be chipping in for the care of the children.
It’s weird- that fetal position in the corner. It never occurred to me that I “could” have done that until AFTER the crisis was over…which was about 2 yrs after the FOG lifted….lol.
Erin, I DID get what you meant, I was simply adding to your concept, I am the one who didn’t express myself well, my word “disagreement” was too harsh a word for a “written” rather than spoken forum… you are right too, we choose “friends” who are simply “time users.”
Just like most everything in life there is a continuiuum of levels of relationships of people we call a “friend.” Your term “party buds” is a good example of what many people call “my friends,” when in reality they have NO “friends” by MY definition of “friend.”
The word “acquaintence” covers my association with most people. I know their faces when I see them and have an occasional socially prescribed excahnge of pleasentries when we interact. I don’t entertain them in my home, or they me in theirs, though for one reason or another we might actually go to the other’s house. I would not expect them to ask me for a loan of any amount of money, nor would I ask them for a loan of any amount of money. If I had a flat on the side of the road and my spare tire was flat and they drove by, I would expect them to stop, but I would lnot call them to come rescue me from that flat tire.
I think though, that many people who get HOOKED by psychopaths do so because they are SEEKING friends and a way of SEEKING a friend is to hve an acquaintence that appears a likely prospect for a “friend” and so you make the FIRST move—do something NICE for them. SAY something NICE to them. (actually that is also the way the Ps target us) Then if they respond positively the friend seeker goes on doing nice things for the “new friend” hoping that they will reciprocate and that the relationship will grow and the two will become friends.
Unfortunately, I have found that too many times I would do something nice, and they would NOT reciprocate, and I would do something nice again, and so on, so it was more me pushing the friendship and them sucking the supply, rather than a MUTUAL give and take. Not just “favors” but the intimacy of a true and loving relationship between FRIENDS.
Other times I would meet people and they would what I laughingly called “put in an application” for a friendship by asking me to go places, asking to do me favors, etc.
I also noticed several years ago that people who were BPDs would usually “make application” for BEST friend almost before you told them your name! LOL After a time or two of that drama I caught on and so when people came on tooooo strong in an “application” for friendship, I suspected a BPD and usually I was right as things turned out later.
If we are LONELY it is too easy to be a sitting duck for a BPD or a PPD because they “come on” as making application for freindship (or more) in such a great way, just the way they would if they were applying for a job they weren’t qualified to do, PUT ON A GOOD SHOW.
If we are comfortable with our ALONE-NESS (rather than lonliness) AND TAKE ADVANTAGE of that time alone to introspect, I think it is a very beneficial time for us.
Erin, I laughed with the “fetal” position in the corner, I usually kept going during an acute emergency and THEN took the fetal position in the corner, but I HID IT so no one knew I ever did the fetal position except maybe one close close friend. ha ha Ah, yes, that fetal position! How well I remember it! LOL (((hugs))))
Application for friendship……I LIKE THAT!
I agree with everything you said…..
Including the application for usually BEST FRIEND by BPDs…this was one comment the sushi bar guy made to me…..he found this odd that the day he met him, he was just too friendly…..the s did this…..always wanting to be in the nucleus of everyones thoughts and world.
Interesting!
I have a lady I have known for 15 years, pursuing me currently. She has invited me to do many things, included me and kids etc….Long story….but she is genuinly interested and appreciative to me for something I did for her. I was pleased to do it……I have always liked her….but she was blown away with the ‘love I showed’ doing it……
She has called me and stopped by, acknowledging my gestures and telling me just how much the have meant to her and her new husband.
They were targeted by the s too…..as supply and to split me off…….they pulled away…..but when she heard he left, she called me and did my hair twice….
She was in tears appologinzing about how she was not a good friend to me and she is ashamed of not being a better friend and she would like to change that. She now sees how hard life has been with my illness, additionally the s…(she had an ex very similar)….and how hard I work.
I touched her in some way…
She really is a golden heart……and it was very nice of her to express her feelings towards me…..so we will see, she really would make a top applicant, I think the timing of the s was poor and she fell with the rest of those that ‘never came back’…..I am gun shy of friendships….over aquantences…..My trust needs to be earned……
RE: fetal in the corner……I, at times,was ‘fused to the recliner’, we became one……(when the kids were kidnapped)
Friendships are like plants, they should GROW and they do not spring from the ground into a fully mature plant. Plus, they need to be watered and fed and pruned as time goes on to form the “perfect” plant. They should be somewhat drouth resistent, because there will be times that you won’t have the strength to water or feed them, and they may be attacked by pests of various sorts from the outside, or even sometimes CHOPPED down by the smear campaign of a psychopath who tries to destroy your garden.
Planting seeds for friendship with others is a good thing, and like Jesus says in the Bible about the “sower” sometimes they will fall on stony ground, sometimes, on thin soil, and sometimes on good, fertile soil. If we don’t sow seeds, we will never have friendships, but we must know that without work and cultivation, no friendship will grow, no matter how good the seed is. But at the same time, even good seed won’t grow well in bad soil. We need to pick and choose where we plant our seeds for friendship, as well as “weed” out the sickly plants or the diseased plants as we go about our lives.
Entertaining the “drama queen” yesterday makes me think about how she put in “application” for friendship with me years ago when I first met her in our living history group, and she tends to only have ONE FRIEND AT A TIME, which is a good clue to me when soemone makes application for friendship, DO THEY HAVE OTHER FRIENDS? If not, WHY not?
Her husband is a darling guy about my age and my sons simply adore him, as I do. However, as our acquaintence with the two of them grew into friendship with HIM, the three of us realized she is a drama queen of no small proportions! We spent as much time with him as possible and as little time with her as possible. Since until recently when his health went down hill with heart trouble, she was a traveling nurse that was easy (She can’t keep a job longer than 3 months and has been fired several times, so the travel nursing was one way to just have short term jobs and move on before people became FED UP with you and your drama) LOL However, she is “home” now, so it is difficult for the guys to see the husband without encountering HER, plus, if we invite him HERE she has to drive him. So there is going to be a certain amount of contact with her required in order to see HIM.
The OTHER connections with Ps or dysfunctional people cause us a lot of collateral damage in our friendships, especially when the other person is closely connected to a P, AND to us, the P targets us, smears us, and the other person is CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE.
When my “X-friends” that were a couple, who were CLOSELY connected to not only my late husband and my son D started to abuse me (steal from me etc.) and I realized what was going on (at that time it was simply the woman of the couple that was stealing from me) it caused a BIG family flap as my son D and my husband couldn’t SEE and they were trapped between me and the P thief who was quite good at her MASK.
My husband was supportive of me and distanced himself from them, but I honestly don’t think he totally believed what I was saying, I think he thought I was MISTAKEN. I know my son D had a big problem with believing me too (again, thinking I was MISTAKEN, not lying) but since they ended up leaving that huge amount of junk in our warehouse and as we sorted through some of it, just to see if there was anything worth having in there before we burned it, he discovered a GREAT DEAL of HIS STUFF THAT THEY HAD STOLEN! So he has NO doubt at all now that they are thieves. As I have elarned more about Ps as well, and discussed this, and he has also learned about Ps, it has been a GRIEF to realize the people he has loved since he was a little kid, and looked up to a pseudo parents and mentors, are TOTALLY FALSE.
As time has gone on though, not only he, but others, who looked up to these people, have seen their REAL FACES and their “entitlement” to TAKE TAKE TAKE from others, so they are essentially alone now, having about run out of people to mooch off of.
AFTER the situation with “the” P (or Ps as the case may be) is RESOLVED, we start to look around, I think, if we are WISE, and to re-evaluate all of our relationships. At least I have. I TREASURE the good ones even more, and LET GO of the ones that don’t “pay off” in terms of TRUST and MUTALITY of RESPECT and CONCERN. Friendship is, after all a TWO-WAY STREET.
Ox Drover often posts with great insight and wisdom, but in this case I must respectfully disagree.
I can’t treat my family and friends like a business. They are my family and friends. Certainly if they were totally sociopathic/narcissistic and damaging to me, I would distance myself from them. But all of us have our faults. I certainly have mine.
Having been married to a sociopath, I am very sensitive to getting involved with another, but if I put everyone I knew under a microscope and was constantly on the alert for any behavior that could be an indicator of sociopathy, I would spend all my time in a sort of paranoia, looking over my shoulder (with a chip on it) and just waiting for someone to make a false move.
I think the key is a pervasive pattern of behavior. The occasional faults that we all have, I have to overlook. A friend can do or say something hurtful in a thoughtless moment or a moment of anger. I think there are several differences between a friend with normal faults and a sociopath who is abusive.
The first is that the bad behavior of a non-sociopath is not planned or intentional, nor is it so ingrained that it is habitual. Bad behavior in a normal person is very infrequent, probably triggered by an unusual set of circumstances. Third, a normal person feels remorse, genuine remorse, not just irritation at having been caught. A normal person who hurts me feels bad that he/she has hurt me and is not faking that remorse. And finally, a normal person with whom I have a healthy relationship cares about me and makes an effort to be nice on a regular basis, not just as a last-ditch effort to “keep me in the game” the way a sociopath does.
This is really cool!
http://www.ted.com/talks/rebecca_saxe_how_brains_make_moral_judgments.html
that is really interesting Easy, thanks.
it talked about a way to decrease moral judgement but not how to INCREASE it.
Dear Nottaking it any more,
I don’t think you got my point, my point was that “relationships” that are CONTINUALLY “losing propositions” are just like a business that keeps on trying to make someting positive (in a business it would be a profit) out of something that is never PRODUCTIVE. It isn’t the once in a while thing that is the problem but a PERVASIVE PATTERN OF BAD BEHAVIOR.
Some bad behavior is a ONE TIME THING, like murder, you don’t keep on having a relationship with someone who just “once in a while” kills someone, but at the same time, a person who is CONTINUALLY AND FOREVER stealing small things from you, or lying, or a husband that cheats over and over….well that is a different proposition.
My FAMILY were the biggest Ps in my life, and there was no “profit” in any way by my continuuing to allow them to abuse me in both large and small ways.
In my BUSINESS and PROFESSIONAL LIFE, I did things logically and distanced myself from bad employers or bad employees (on the farm that was my cows) but in my PERSONAL LIFE I kept giving people “second chances” even though they had NEVER DONE ANYTHING BUT ABUSE ME, LIE TO ME AND EVENTUALLY TRY TO KILL ME.
I don’t expect “perfection” in an employee, or a family member, but I DO expect HONESTY, DEPENDABILITY and to be treated well as a WAY OF LIFE.
I am learning to set boundaries with my friends and family as well as with people outside of that circle. One of the things I did is to “kick to the curb” the fairly large group of “friends” who were sucking me dry, emotionally and financiallly, lying to me, stealing (literally) from me, etc. Now my PERSONAL LIFE is free of both psychopaths AND of dysfunctional and/or dishonest people. My personal life is “profitable” in that I have PEACE, LITTLE OR NO DRAMA, and DON’T have to be paranoid because I CAN TRUST the people around me.
This is depressing.
I did my horoscope on the website that Stargazer recommended and it basically says I’m N-supply and always will be. 🙁 Keeping secrets and being compassionate is a perfect N-supply.
You seek integrity of self. You make a good friend and confidant, for you never reveal a secret that has been told to you. But you don’t allow friends and associates to penetrate beneath your outermost mask. You deal well with people in unfortunate positions, because they arouse the compassion inherent in your Moon influence….
People with Libra Ascendant are basically motivated by feeling and emotion rather than intellectuality.
… You are a sympathetic person who seeks the approval of others and is also very adaptable.
If you do not control this tendency to be so involved in human relationships, you may become too attached and over dependent.