By Ox Drover
Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That’s a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing.
I’ve always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life?
I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner.
I’ll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of cattle that I raised to provide meat, which I sold. So my product was meat, but my means of production was my cows having healthy calves, nursing those calves with plenty of milk, and being good mothers to the calves. If a cow did not have a calf because she had a fertility problem, she was an “unproductive” worker, so I had to fire her. Even if I was attached to her, and she was otherwise a nice cow, if she did not give birth to a calf every year, I could not afford to feed her (or “pay her salary”). If a cow was not having a calf, I noticed her lack of “production” and terminated her without too many tears, because I realized if I had a pasture full of cows that did not have calves, my farm would go “bankrupt.”
Suppose old “Bessie” hadn’t had a calf in five years, but she is so very sweet, and never kicks at me, so how could I in good conscience get rid of her, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and nuzzles my hand when I go to feed her? Or how about old “Bell”? She has a calf every year, but she has a bad udder and doesn’t give any milk, so the calf always dies, but it really isn’t her fault, she just had an infection that caused her udder not to produce any more milk, and she really is so sweet, so what’s a little more feed anyway?
Or how about that old bull? I really do hate to get rid of him, he is so pretty, but he does tear down fences and go walkabout a couple of times a week.
How long before I would have nothing but a bunch of very decorative live pasture-art? My farm would go bankrupt because I let my emotions and excuses for why those animals were not “carrying their weight” influence me to keep on feeding unproductive stock.
I had little if any problem getting rid of unproductive or disruptive cows on my farm, because I knew that if I kept cows in my herd that cost more than they produced, or caused trouble for me or the rest of the herd by tearing down fences, trying to hurt me, or just in general causing problems, my farm would start to cost more than it brought in and I would go “bankrupt.”
So why didn’t I apply these same principles to my life that I did to my business? Well, first of all I let emotional attachment to “friends” and “family” who were “costing” me more than they produced to stay on my “emotional payroll.”
I had “friends” who only seemed to come around when they needed something, but after all, they really were in a bind, and maybe it wasn’t entirely their fault. I also had friends who seemed to think it was my responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. I had friends and family who seemed to think that I owed them “unconditional love” because I gave birth to them, and no matter what they did, how badly they treated me, or used and abused me, I had to “play nice” with them.
How come if a cow even shook her head threateningly at me she was immediately hamburger, no matter how many calves she had or how fat she nursed them, and I had no problem at all sending her off to the butcher, but I couldn’t stand up to a “friend” or a family member and say, “Don’t treat me like that!”
I knew how to run a business, and I knew what made a business profitable or bankrupt. Why did I not know how to run a life and how to make it profitable and good? I let my life go bankrupt emotionally. Why did I think that things were going to change or get better if I simply allowed more output than there was income to continue? I kept giving to those in my life, but never receiving.
In our lives there are always times we give more than we get in supporting our friends and family, but if this is a continual occurrence, over time we become physically, financially and emotionally “bankrupt.” We must receive as well as give to friends and family.
Now, while I don’t literally run my “life” like I do the farm, figuratively I do. When a person is disruptive to the peace of my life, just like a cow with a dangerous attitude, I terminate them from my “pasture” so that I am not in danger of being hurt. If a person is always taking and never giving, that person is also removed from my “pasture” as unproductive. If a person is always breaking the rules and “jumping the fences” and causing trouble, what do I need that person in my life for? To get me out of bed at 2 a.m. to post their bail? To pay their rent because they can never seem to keep a job?
The people who are now in my life give as much as they receive, show respect for me and for the fences (boundaries) in my life. They don’t stand around waiting for me to bring them a bucket of “feed,” but they get out and hustle up their own, and take responsibility for themselves. I can count on these people to do what they say they will do, and to be trustworthy individuals.
My life is now more “profitable” than it has ever been and that “profit” is laid up as a big “bank account” filled to the brim with PEACE, LOVE and JOY! I am the richest woman in the world.
I can’t stop loving the sociopaths either, most of them. I’m one of those people who was born to be attracted to the sick, weak and useless. I’ve had to accept this unsettling fact about myself.
What I CAN do, and what I have done, is to withdraw complete trust and support from those I love. And I now demand that I receive respect and honor from them. Otherwise, I can and will love them from a distance, feeling bad for their choices but not enabling them to use me or to continue to make them.
I’ve learned that love and support are two different things, mostly from dealing with my kids. They know they are truly loved, but they also know if they get arrested I will not be bailing them out, or if they want to buy booze or cigarettes they won’t be borrowing money from me to do it.
To use a phrase from a codependency group I used to attend, I support their RECOVERY. That means I only support actions they take which are in their own best interests.
This is a way of living that makes me comfortable in my own skin. I could never get rid of Bessy the cow either lol. I’d be the poorest farmer on earth. God bless you Oxy.
The S Matt was involved with….just like all S’s…..are all riddled with CANCER…..THEY ARE CANCER!!!
🙂
I am a Virgo – I avoid Scorpio’s
Dear kat, WELCOME BACK—You’ve been GONE TOO LONG, so in the interest of FAIRNESS I have to give you a BOINK for being gone so long, but a BIG HUGGGGGG for coming back here. I am glad that you are doing WELL!!!1 GOOD FOR YOU!!! Setting boundaries for those we love as well as those we don’t is the ONLY way to live in PEACE!!! YOU GO SISTER!!!!!
I just noticed something today, apparently it has been “around a while” and I sorta-kinda-noticed it but then I “poo-poo’d” it but today it has been bad enough I finally realized it IS REAL.
A while back I had a milk goat that got a HUGE CUT right down the middle of her teat, and I had to sew it up. I was mad at myself that she did it (cause I apparently didn’t look after her good enough to make sure she was NO where near barbed wire) AND I had to sew it up STANDING ON MY HEAD while someone else held her head down and I was trying to sew and avoid her back leg kicking, and when I gave her the numbing shots (which hurt like hell) I was flooded with guilt and it was difficult for me to sew up her cut, because my hands were shaking like a dog crapping peach seeds!
The other day son C had a cut on his finger that needed a few stitches because it was in a place that bent a lot so I put a couple of stitches in there, NO BIG DEAL, but I shook so bad doing it that it took me twice as long to get it done (and this is something I have done for him on a regular basis so isn’t that I was upset about him having a small cut) but even my knots were so poorly tied that they came out by themselves the day I would have taken them out anyway….then today, I finally got around to my mending basket (You know, as Erma Bombeck would have said “where the naval band meets the high school clothing!”) and dragged out the sewing machine and set it up, managed to thread the needle and get the bobbin in right, and mending WORK Pants that just needed tears and rips sewn up, nothing that had to be “pretty’ so “neat didn’t count” it was just FUNCTIONAL stuff and yet, my ANXIETY about it was as bad or worse than when I was sewing up the goat, or my son C’s finger. I shook and shook, and realized I am BIG time ANXIOUS today and I’m just not sure why—-there’s no reason for it, and really there wasn’t a reason for it the day I sewed up the goat or C’s finger. Those are things I used to do and was GOOD at, and sewing on a sewing machine has never been a big deal either, especially when I was just patching work pants…..doesn’t make sense to me.
It’s hard to DO anything when your hands are shaking though, and you feel WEAK and ANXIOUS, but there’s NO “reason” to be. I kept on going, and finally got all the work pants mended so they are wearable and functional without their butts hanging out…do any of you guys, even after a LONG time on healing have anything like this happen to you? I realize this HAS been happening anytime (it seems) that I have to do anything “technical” or “sewing” but I hadn’t really grasped that it was just GENERALIZED ANXIETY, but yet not a “panic attack” as the symptoms are not that bad (I’ve only ever had one panic attack and I know what they feel like though) AND YES, IT IS STILL RAINING! LOL
Dear all, from my horoscope I am the classical “Non”-supply for a P, as I am aries, and I sound rather a P myself
“Your mind is egocentric, rational and you have a natural tendency toward scepticism. Able to work hard, you will bear obstacles and frustrations with patience.
You will proceed with prudence in your love life and in all other activities. You will seriously consider all of the ramifications of a relationship, especially the aspects of your independence, and you will not commit yourself to a partner until you are sure of your choice. After that however there is a tendency to conduct a peaceful and quiet life.
You are very economical in your daily activities, and if you do not exert some control over this trait, it could appear as rather mean.
You are best placed in governmental, municipal, political, or large business organizations where hierarchy is very exactly defined. The key word for your professional orientation is responsibility.
This position tends to make you appear cold, reserved, and distrustful. Your body seems of a dark complexion. Your manners are rather discreet and there is a flair of melancholy in your acts. Diplomacy is one of your best characteristics, and if ever in politics, you will obtain success.
Saturn in the First House
Saturn is in the first house. Saturn’s placement here gives you a conservative, sometimes gloomy and self-denying outlook on life. Because every contact is of great importance, you tend to be rather detached and even aloof so that you can be sure exactly where you stand. You can be self-conscious and may feel awkward and prudish with others who appear to take things more lightly. The depth with which you look at yourself is characteristic of the way you relate to others.
You were taught very early in life to be self-reliant, and you were often given more responsibility than usual for your age.
Your intellect is constant and usually unfettered by momentary feelings and whims. Logic plays an important role in your thinking processes. Grandiose schemes and theories have little interest for you.
Once you accept your own limitations and face up to your challenges and responsibilities with a sense of purpose, you will be able to succeed in whatever field you decide on. Your health is generally good, so long as you exercise sufficiently to relieve tension”
But nontheless I got targeted by a P (pisces) because I was raised by a N-cancer (mom) and a P-aquarious (father). My sister is also cancer, my brother scorpio.
I got SO swept away by X because some year ago I got for Christmas present a séance with a friend of my sister who happens to be a famous astrologer. She knows the whole family and has been invited numerous times, and my father called her a witch, my mother did not like her and considered her very egocentric and righteous.
Anyway I went hoping for some hint and guidance in my life. With a little psychology this woman could tell me A LOT what was written in the stars, I was just sitting there with a hanging jaw! And I was VERY sceptical to begin with! She told me that I would meet a pisces and be happy living with him ever after (she even saw a prospective marriage!).
One of the first things I asked X on the internet dating site was his zodiac, which was pisces of course 🙂 !
I do NOT read any horoscopes anymore, as I think they are as valuable as the form of the chicken wish bone or the coffee remnants in my cup. I also have stopped believing in Santa Claus a while ago 😉 !
And I found out that all the horoscope cr*p is so ambiguous or so general that you can read whatever you want to.
I bet this random sentence is for ALL of us:
“Once you accept your own limitations and face up to your challenges and responsibilities with a sense of purpose, you will be able to succeed in whatever field you decide on.”
Allas, my friends: let us accept our limitations and face the challenges and responsibilities with a sense of purpose, and we will be able to succeed in whatever field we decide on!
And the good thing: I won’t charge anything for my good counseling!
I wish you all a very pleasant evening!
Sorry, I do not want to offend any believer in horoscopes, but it pushed a VERY strong button in me! (and remember: aries I am, sorry)
Ox I get frustrated at times because I am gettin older, I cant see worth a crap without my reading glasses and when I need to read fine print or work on something small I cant ever find my glasses. There are all kinds of things here on my farmette that I want to move, lift or work on that requires two backs. I think my son’s avoid coming here because I always say, while you are here can you help me do this or that? It is frustrating that I cant accomplish things on my own like I used to. So somethimes I let things go undone and things pile up and I get angry at myself. That is one thing about having a partner that I miss, together we can do more..alone sometimes is frustrating. My son came over a few evenings ago and helped me get a big blackjack tree down. I needed help making sure it didnt fall on the house when I cut it down. Also I am still adjusting to cooking for one. Why clean the house? nobody is coming to visit. Why make the bed? I am the only one sleeping in it..etc etc..I am sorry you are feeling frustrated – take two aspirin and one week of sunshine and maybe it will get better…
Oxy, my hands shake too and I’m not nervous – I’m not sure why. try cutting back on coffee and have chocolate instead.
The day I left my xP I began making a funny hand gesture when I talk. It was not so weird, but weird for ME. My right hand points with 2 fingers and I gesture up and down for emphasis. When I was really freaking, it got worse and then it went away. Recently, it came back. It only happens when I’m talking about the P. There is something about how my brain is handling this new knowledge that has changed my mannerisms! isn’t that strange? That has never happened to me before.
Libelle,
you aries are all alike!
LOL.
🙂
Actually, your horoscope does sound like you – it says you are sceptical! what does your ascendant say about you?
Oxy, yes, my hands will shake sometimes also, I think it’s anxiety, not sure what the exact reason for the anxiety is, a lot of the time it’s always in the background. Maybe you have CABIN FEVER from the rain!!