By Ox Drover
Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That’s a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing.
I’ve always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life?
I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner.
I’ll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of cattle that I raised to provide meat, which I sold. So my product was meat, but my means of production was my cows having healthy calves, nursing those calves with plenty of milk, and being good mothers to the calves. If a cow did not have a calf because she had a fertility problem, she was an “unproductive” worker, so I had to fire her. Even if I was attached to her, and she was otherwise a nice cow, if she did not give birth to a calf every year, I could not afford to feed her (or “pay her salary”). If a cow was not having a calf, I noticed her lack of “production” and terminated her without too many tears, because I realized if I had a pasture full of cows that did not have calves, my farm would go “bankrupt.”
Suppose old “Bessie” hadn’t had a calf in five years, but she is so very sweet, and never kicks at me, so how could I in good conscience get rid of her, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and nuzzles my hand when I go to feed her? Or how about old “Bell”? She has a calf every year, but she has a bad udder and doesn’t give any milk, so the calf always dies, but it really isn’t her fault, she just had an infection that caused her udder not to produce any more milk, and she really is so sweet, so what’s a little more feed anyway?
Or how about that old bull? I really do hate to get rid of him, he is so pretty, but he does tear down fences and go walkabout a couple of times a week.
How long before I would have nothing but a bunch of very decorative live pasture-art? My farm would go bankrupt because I let my emotions and excuses for why those animals were not “carrying their weight” influence me to keep on feeding unproductive stock.
I had little if any problem getting rid of unproductive or disruptive cows on my farm, because I knew that if I kept cows in my herd that cost more than they produced, or caused trouble for me or the rest of the herd by tearing down fences, trying to hurt me, or just in general causing problems, my farm would start to cost more than it brought in and I would go “bankrupt.”
So why didn’t I apply these same principles to my life that I did to my business? Well, first of all I let emotional attachment to “friends” and “family” who were “costing” me more than they produced to stay on my “emotional payroll.”
I had “friends” who only seemed to come around when they needed something, but after all, they really were in a bind, and maybe it wasn’t entirely their fault. I also had friends who seemed to think it was my responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. I had friends and family who seemed to think that I owed them “unconditional love” because I gave birth to them, and no matter what they did, how badly they treated me, or used and abused me, I had to “play nice” with them.
How come if a cow even shook her head threateningly at me she was immediately hamburger, no matter how many calves she had or how fat she nursed them, and I had no problem at all sending her off to the butcher, but I couldn’t stand up to a “friend” or a family member and say, “Don’t treat me like that!”
I knew how to run a business, and I knew what made a business profitable or bankrupt. Why did I not know how to run a life and how to make it profitable and good? I let my life go bankrupt emotionally. Why did I think that things were going to change or get better if I simply allowed more output than there was income to continue? I kept giving to those in my life, but never receiving.
In our lives there are always times we give more than we get in supporting our friends and family, but if this is a continual occurrence, over time we become physically, financially and emotionally “bankrupt.” We must receive as well as give to friends and family.
Now, while I don’t literally run my “life” like I do the farm, figuratively I do. When a person is disruptive to the peace of my life, just like a cow with a dangerous attitude, I terminate them from my “pasture” so that I am not in danger of being hurt. If a person is always taking and never giving, that person is also removed from my “pasture” as unproductive. If a person is always breaking the rules and “jumping the fences” and causing trouble, what do I need that person in my life for? To get me out of bed at 2 a.m. to post their bail? To pay their rent because they can never seem to keep a job?
The people who are now in my life give as much as they receive, show respect for me and for the fences (boundaries) in my life. They don’t stand around waiting for me to bring them a bucket of “feed,” but they get out and hustle up their own, and take responsibility for themselves. I can count on these people to do what they say they will do, and to be trustworthy individuals.
My life is now more “profitable” than it has ever been and that “profit” is laid up as a big “bank account” filled to the brim with PEACE, LOVE and JOY! I am the richest woman in the world.
libelle, interesting post, I am also an Aries, didn’t see too much of myself in there, especially the part about “You will proceed with prudence in your love life and in all other activities”…. I wish!!!
Thanks guys, I realize the frustrations of getting older and things requiring two backs (or for me to just get out of the way and let the guys do it all–fortunately, most of the time they dont’ mind as they live here too!) I think I have worked through most of the “old woman can’t do what she use’ta do by “her-sef” LOL this just seems to be a GENERALIZED anxiety. I realize the definition of anxiety is being “nervous” about something, but there is no real FEAR of something you can SEE or know about—and I usually don’t SHAKE unless I am “nervous” or upset and then I DO shake. My hands were shaking the other day when I put those simple sutures in my son like I was having palsy or something—and gosh, I’ve “sewed up his hide a bunch of times!” It wasn’t even a bad cut, just full thickness skin, not even into the meat, but movement would have kept it gaping without a couple of stitches. But I had to THINK HARD about how to do an instrument tie, and it was like I didn’t have any confidence in myself at all.
The dealy-o today was the same way, only it was mending work jeans for goodness sakes!
I DO have a bit of cabin-fever that’s for sure, it has rained pretty much 75 % of the time since august, 80% of september, and almost every day in October, at least no sun, even when it isn’t pouring! If the sun ever DOES come back out I’ll think it is the second coming or something! LOL
I kidded my pasture renter yesterday about getting over here and baling the HAY! Like she would need a PONTOON TRACTOR to cut the grass! LOL
Just admitting the anxiety, and thinking about it rather than just “experiencing it” (and the anxiety then making me MORE nervous) I guess has helped me son, the worst of teh shaking has calmed down—and at least I DID get something accomplished today, so I think I will go get some late lunch and take the rest of the day “off”—you guys have fun.
OH, BTW, I agree with you Libelle, and guess what? My enabling egg donor is an aries, my P-son is a Pieces (however you spell it) and my son D is a tarus and C is a Libra and I am a saggataris (however you spell that one) and none of us are “like” what they say we “should” be.
“Fortune tellers” phrase their predictions so that they ‘fit” what you want to hear, is my opinon—not to offend anyone—but I think we MAKE OUR OWN PATH, for better or worse!
So I think I am going to go make a better day for myself and figure out what bee is in my bonnet, or why my panties are in a wad!
Well Skylar, my ascendent is Capricorn, and the saturn thing “in the first house” was really the stuff that made me fall off my feet as the lady (she is about 75 years old) explained it to me.
She said “You never had a mother” in her somber voice and she looked DEEP in my eyes. (in retropect it was Oscar-worth, but at that moment it was just unbelievable how IT WAS WRITTEN IN THE STARS AT MY BIRTH THAT MY MOTHER DID NOT CARE FOR ME! So it was NOBODY’S Fault! I started to cry! For the first time somebody verbalized what I always have thought! AND IT WAS ALL THERE; SINCE MY BIRTH!)
But of course this lady knew my mom and her flamboyant style and saw her treating me like cinderella at home, with me being the servant for the selfish crowd called my family at a luncheon.
As far as I know Aries is the young irresponsible impulsive and not persistent type, whereas the Capricorn is the pure opposite of it. (it would be dangerous to act aries-like in the high mountains!). I see myself more being Capricorn like, because I constantly try to control my impulses and my spontaneity as my spontaneity put me often into trouble and made me vulnerable, whereas my coworkers see more my Aries.
By the way, here is the rest of the horoscope which I found later and which makes me THE PERFECT TARGET (as I told, you can read whatever you want, it is a “one size fits all fates”-thing!) Mixing wonderful flattering things with awful things, and you take out what serves you best! I am sure the “Venus in the third house” paragraph fits for all of us too!
“Venus in the Third House
Venus was in the third house of your horoscope at the time of birth. You are keenly interested in the creative arts, and your thoughts and words are surrounded by a halo of beauty, taste, and proportion. Your mind actually feels the emotions connected with nature and the higher aspects of things human. Venus here augurs pleasant and kind relations with members of your family; the disposition of your intellect is congenial, youthful, and attractive.
The keys to a better integration of both your mental and emotional functions consist of deepening your personal relationships and of turning the mind inward so that you may be able to know the world better by means of true self-knowledge.
Moon in the Seventh House
The Moon was found in the seventh house at the time of your birth.
Exciting romance may occur at an early stage in life. We must warn you, however, that unless modified by further interpretations, the partner may have fluctuating affections.
You’re also one of those who throughout the relationship manifests a great variety of personality roles and who seldom shows in intimacy her real nature.
Moon Opposition Ascendant
The Moon opposition the Ascendant shows that you try to become personally involved in the affairs of the people you know. Subconsciously, you need someone to need you at all times. You have a wide circle of friends who think highly of you because of your generous and kindly disposition. Nevertheless, you find it difficult to form individual, lasting relationships, because you are never really sure you can fulfill the responsibilities they entail.
You want to be loved, and you constantly dwell on this fact. You hate being alone, so any professional interest should involve personal contact with the public.
It is important that you learn to stand alone and secure in your independence. You persist in the hope that everything you desire will someday be realized.”
I love the karmic tests! Venus must have been behind the moon at my birth! “Venus here augurs pleasant and kind relations with members of your family”. And I never had exiting romances in my early days (even the smallest crushes I showed for anybody were destroyed by my father) But the “fluctuating affections” from the partner are SO true! (another sign written in the stars I can’t change???) And I never felt “so me and so real” with the P! Wrong here too!
Very disturbing!
I rather stick to the karmic tests and persue the following:
“It is important that you learn to stand alone and secure in your independence.” Amen
Ironically, the more intelligent antisocials treat other people like businesses, accounts, balances and so on. Similar to how women look at men (without all the empathy of course!). Note: I’m NOT a mysoginist, it’s just that the reality is that people, not only women are looking for VALUE in other people. In this way, the antisocial is no different, other than the fact that he/she doesn’t adhere to the principle of reciprocity unless it’s immediately apparent that he/she will benefit in the moment and not a second later AND the fact that social graces such as gratitude and other things are completely absent.
Example: Antisocial is studying people in his enviornment. His goal is to get rich without having to work. So, he has to look for the “market” of people who he can manipulate with the most ease in order to achieve his goal. Once he finds this “market” he can “market” himself to those people in order for them to “invest” in him. He’ll do his marketing and the right people will come to HIM, because as you know, he wants to put in the least amount of effort possible. Once he’s got the right people, he’ll continually offer value of some kind to get the targets to give him what he wants, because the targets think there is something in it for them, when in reality there isn’t.
So, as you can see, antisocial con-men and players think in this business like way. To them, it’s personal, just business.
from the Astroclick Portrait for my xP:
Sun Opposition Pluto
In order to see yourself clearly, you need others as a mirror. (that’s classic narcissism)
Moon Conjunct Pluto
You probably have a strong emotional tie to your mother, and it is most important that you have a good relationship with her. If you and she can discuss your emotional problems openly, it will help you a lot, because you often feel guilty and bad about yourself and therefore quite miserable.
(he hates his mother)
you are likely to react emotionally to every situation and person you meet. But when your emotions get in the way, it is difficult to see clearly what is happening. And your moods affect you so much that as they change, your personality changes accordingly.
You want to live very intensely. You will often look for a new experience just so you can feel the emotions that go with it.
Witsend, you should check your son’s horoscope. Especially check the placement of Pluto. Read about its position by sign, house, and aspect.
skylar
where is the link?
Is this a potted plant alert? Or am I being over sensitive?
Dear Bison,
You are right, we ALL should run our lives like a “business,” so that there is a “profit” to us, but giving OUT and taking nothing IN is a “losing proposition” for anyone, or any business.
So, bottom line, to me anyway, is if your life is “bankrupt” you should look at what you are doing that is NOT giving you what you want—which in our case, I hope, is a HEALTHY relationship and not the parasitic relationship of a tick and a dog. I am tired of being the dog, but I don’t want to be a tick either!
Skylar, I think you’re generalizing to much about cancer men.
By the way I’m Cancer rising. But anyway, probably the only healthy relationship I ever had was with a cancer man. It only lasted 11 months, due to the fact that he had a young daughter, and my kids had just flown the coop, and I really didn’t want to spend another 11 years mothering…………
But it was sad. He was kind, giving, honest, fair gentle and a wonderful friend.
Cancer is the sign of the great mother, so, cancerians can be a little controlling. And crabby. They do tend to retreat into their shells when they feel threatened…………..but I think there are probably just as many virgo P’s or scorpio P’s or aquarian P’s around as there are cancer P’s.
Oxy, do you drink enough water? Sometimes if you are dehydrated you can shake like that? Is it only when you are doing tedious things? or is it at other times,too? Like Sky said, cut back on the coffee. I hope you feel better.
Henry, I ccan definatly relate to the poor Eye-sight, thing. I can’t see anything without my glasses.It’s sooo frystrating. Makes me feel like I’m dealing with a handicap. Well, I guess I am!
Oxdrover is 100 percent correct. Be not prey nor predator, corpse nor scavenger.