By Ox Drover
Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That’s a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing.
I’ve always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life?
I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner.
I’ll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of cattle that I raised to provide meat, which I sold. So my product was meat, but my means of production was my cows having healthy calves, nursing those calves with plenty of milk, and being good mothers to the calves. If a cow did not have a calf because she had a fertility problem, she was an “unproductive” worker, so I had to fire her. Even if I was attached to her, and she was otherwise a nice cow, if she did not give birth to a calf every year, I could not afford to feed her (or “pay her salary”). If a cow was not having a calf, I noticed her lack of “production” and terminated her without too many tears, because I realized if I had a pasture full of cows that did not have calves, my farm would go “bankrupt.”
Suppose old “Bessie” hadn’t had a calf in five years, but she is so very sweet, and never kicks at me, so how could I in good conscience get rid of her, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and nuzzles my hand when I go to feed her? Or how about old “Bell”? She has a calf every year, but she has a bad udder and doesn’t give any milk, so the calf always dies, but it really isn’t her fault, she just had an infection that caused her udder not to produce any more milk, and she really is so sweet, so what’s a little more feed anyway?
Or how about that old bull? I really do hate to get rid of him, he is so pretty, but he does tear down fences and go walkabout a couple of times a week.
How long before I would have nothing but a bunch of very decorative live pasture-art? My farm would go bankrupt because I let my emotions and excuses for why those animals were not “carrying their weight” influence me to keep on feeding unproductive stock.
I had little if any problem getting rid of unproductive or disruptive cows on my farm, because I knew that if I kept cows in my herd that cost more than they produced, or caused trouble for me or the rest of the herd by tearing down fences, trying to hurt me, or just in general causing problems, my farm would start to cost more than it brought in and I would go “bankrupt.”
So why didn’t I apply these same principles to my life that I did to my business? Well, first of all I let emotional attachment to “friends” and “family” who were “costing” me more than they produced to stay on my “emotional payroll.”
I had “friends” who only seemed to come around when they needed something, but after all, they really were in a bind, and maybe it wasn’t entirely their fault. I also had friends who seemed to think it was my responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. I had friends and family who seemed to think that I owed them “unconditional love” because I gave birth to them, and no matter what they did, how badly they treated me, or used and abused me, I had to “play nice” with them.
How come if a cow even shook her head threateningly at me she was immediately hamburger, no matter how many calves she had or how fat she nursed them, and I had no problem at all sending her off to the butcher, but I couldn’t stand up to a “friend” or a family member and say, “Don’t treat me like that!”
I knew how to run a business, and I knew what made a business profitable or bankrupt. Why did I not know how to run a life and how to make it profitable and good? I let my life go bankrupt emotionally. Why did I think that things were going to change or get better if I simply allowed more output than there was income to continue? I kept giving to those in my life, but never receiving.
In our lives there are always times we give more than we get in supporting our friends and family, but if this is a continual occurrence, over time we become physically, financially and emotionally “bankrupt.” We must receive as well as give to friends and family.
Now, while I don’t literally run my “life” like I do the farm, figuratively I do. When a person is disruptive to the peace of my life, just like a cow with a dangerous attitude, I terminate them from my “pasture” so that I am not in danger of being hurt. If a person is always taking and never giving, that person is also removed from my “pasture” as unproductive. If a person is always breaking the rules and “jumping the fences” and causing trouble, what do I need that person in my life for? To get me out of bed at 2 a.m. to post their bail? To pay their rent because they can never seem to keep a job?
The people who are now in my life give as much as they receive, show respect for me and for the fences (boundaries) in my life. They don’t stand around waiting for me to bring them a bucket of “feed,” but they get out and hustle up their own, and take responsibility for themselves. I can count on these people to do what they say they will do, and to be trustworthy individuals.
My life is now more “profitable” than it has ever been and that “profit” is laid up as a big “bank account” filled to the brim with PEACE, LOVE and JOY! I am the richest woman in the world.
100%?! really? wowzers!
Yup 100 percent!
Oxy. Whenever the phone rings I still get anxious that it may be my P daughter,{altho I havent spoken to her in 3 months} When my husband used to answer the phone, and it was her,as I took the phone of of him my hand used to shake quite bad, and I got this horrible drag in the pit of my stomach, you know the feeling? Just pure dread.
Im sure PTSD takes YEARS to heal, its like we are old battle scarred soldiers, LOL! Love and {{HUGS!}}} gem.XX
witsend, that’s astro.com
it could be a potted plant alert, who has rope?
Bison, I thought that the “intelligent anti-social” was an oxymoron? You meant to say goal-oriented anti-social right? Because they can have goals but those goals might not be the most beneficial goals in the long run.
Oh Kim, didn’t mean to indict you for having cancer ascendant, I think you’re awesome!
but actually, it wasn’t me that generalized, it was a conversation on an astrology blog where everyone came to the discussion complaining about these cancer guys. It was interesting but I didn’t follow it because my xP isn’t cancer. I hadn’t realized he had cancer ascendant.
I know not everyone thinks these things are accurate but mine really seem to hit the nail on the head. Everyone says that the horoscopes say the same thing about everyone, but they most certainly DO NOT say the same about me and the xP. They are very opposite and very accurate IMHO. (or not so humble)
I was told by an astrologer who did our charts, that there couldn’t be a worse relationship than ours. LOL. I just laughed at her. She told me to run away as fast as I could. I was about 20 years old. Shoulda listened.
Dear Geminigirl,
You might be right, I don’t think I do drink enough fluids, I will give that a shot and see if it helps….the shaking is only when I am doing SOME tedious things….and it is like I have 5 thumbs on each hand, just can’t get my fingers to work either.
My typing is still fast, I could type 100+ WPM with very few errors prior to the plane crash, but now I type probably 60 or so but with many more errors and lots of words spelled wrong or letters transposed. I am no longer able to play my dulcimer either, in fact I just sold the two lap dulcimers and am going to sell the hammered dulcimer. I never did have a lot of musical “talent,” it was perspiration not inspiration, but my fingers just won’t work on them now at all, so no sense in letting them sit in the closet and take up space, since I haven’t touched them in 3-4 years and then I just wasn’t up to the concentration it needed.
I will focus on trying to make sure I get enough fluids and see if that helps. I have cut down on the caffine from any source after noon, and that cut my coffee intake in half or more.
I guess I am still finding out things about myself, the “new” and “different” self and the way my brain works now (or doesn’t work as the case may be! LOL) It really was a frightening experience when I realized I couldn’t READ at all there for months on end, and it is still FRUSTRATION that I can’t DO the things I used to do, and can’t “multi-track” any more, so in some ways I am having to change the way I do things, and expect a different level of “performance” out of myself now than I used to do.
I’m up to the 3.00+ dopler on the reading glasses in order to be able to count my fingers—and threading a needle is an additional jeweler’s loop on top of that! Can’t even read a phone book without the jeweler’s loop…son c has 20:15 vision without glasses, and can read the leg band off a mosquito at 100 paces! Have no idea where he got that gene as his father had 20:400 vision! Last time he got his vision checked he read the copyright notice off the bottom of the chart to impress the doctor! LOL
I’m good for one day “in a row” of manual labor when I used to be able to work like a mule! Oh, well, I guess any day on the green side of the grass beats the alternative! (((hugs)))
Skylar, yes i meant the anti-social who has a higher IQ, the kind who are more goal oriented than drifters.
Re: astrology – I had an astrology chart reading for me and the ex S after we broke up and the astrologer who is nationally known said the S was mentally ill based on his chart without me ever saying a word. AND she showed me a planetary alignment in his chart that suggests he is a womanizer ( duh) an danother combination that seems to show up in the charts of known serial killers… again I never said a word to her – she just showed me these things in his chart! It was unbelievable.
Dear All,
I got this email today…I am at the point of financial ruin from a S…I did leave 3 weeks ago…He doesnt leave me alone. He managed to get complete control of my finances…He had witnesses to lead me to believe he was the perfect answer to me being a single mother of 4….being the chef/proprietor of my own business….I was told by numerous people how good he was…he told me I’d be able to concentrate on my kids and my cooking…he was the perfect answer…OMG..5 years later….it has never been soooo bad I cant type well be I had to let you into the mind of a S..Here is his newest email to me:
Bopeep,
I am referring to the agreement we made last April 20,2009 at the XXXXXX restaurant and later the XXXX Hotel.You know what we agreed too,so for once,please stop being in denial.If you would like to meet in person, I would be happy to refresh your memory.
Three(3) weeks ago,you demanded a copy of the lease for X XXXXX Pl.and said “you were doing what you had to do for yourself”, took the file and left. Further ,you spoke directly to XXXX as well. So, I think you need to tell me what is going on with the foreclosure status ! If you have not had any further conversations with him or his lawyer, I am sure I can resolve that. However,you said you were in charge. Return the yellow folder to me and I will fix it.
Three (3) weeks ago,you informed me. Landlord XXXX, the restaurant staff and anyone else who would listen to you,”that I was no longer involved in the restaurant” and “that you were in charge”
Bopeep,the truth is, there (3) weeks ago, I had everybody and every creditor under control and working in the same direction, to keep the restaurant going. The only one who was not in control was YOU. You decided to go back on your sociopath kick and once again take control of a situation you are incapable of handling.
Your email states “there is a big mess”.Well guess what,it is much less of a big mess then it was on April 20, 2009,but now,more of a mess because you will never understand the theory and reality of cash flow and are so “in over your head”,it’s not funny. I am not trying to be demeaning, but, you have no comprehension of what I have accomplished for you over the last six(6) month’s and you have no clue how to get out of the new mess you have now created.
Bopeep,your email is just more denial about bill paying and XX ect. Again,it is your lackj of comprehension and denial of the situation that is getting in the way of logic. I had everything under control again, until you stepped inb,didn’t keep your agreement with me and started drowning the business again.
I also affered to have XXX mediate, go through everything,and give you his honest opinion as to whether or not I was making sound business decisions.You scoffed at the idea and said “you had someone better in mind” and told me you were hiring a new accountant. Did you? I haven’t had a request for the business records from anyone.
The AMEX,XXX co., XXX co. lawsuits didn’t have to happen. Again, I had them under control until you stepped back into the picture.I am sure you have since defaulted on both the recent Small Claims court dates for the XXXX and XXXXX as well. More court judgements to deal with.
As far as XXXX pl., it is a huge mistake to move in there. First,it is to small for everyoneand is just one more unhealthy traumna waiting to pounce upon the kids. Also, there exsists asbestos in the basement around the furnace that no one should be exposed to, especially the kids. You are wasting XXXX money on fixing up the house. The place needs to be demolished and have (2) condos built there as originally planned. It is the only way to recoup the financial losses and make some money with the property.
Finally, even if the mortgage gets straightened out, you have so many and business problems, that the property will only end upgetting attached by creditors and you will be forced into a Sheriff’s sale of the property. This basically is another form of forclosure,but quicker.Once again, more emotional trauma for the kids as they will be forced to have to move out again.
Bopeep, as you know, under the circumstances, I am thge only person on this planet who has the expertise to once again straighten out your mess. Unless however, you want to spend thousands of dollars that you dont have for new lawyers, and accountants who, after taking your money,and after realizing what chaos and denial they are dealing with, would most likely throw up their hands and fail at such an endeavor.
Bopeep, you are wasting your valuable time “workig hard at straightening out a mess” that you have no idea how to fix. The The way you have now ” taken charge” has and will result in you losing the restaurant , X XXXX pl., your vehicle and everything else you own , never mind the continued emotional anguish the kids are suffering. If the AG’s office goes after you crimanally for the wage complaints,where does that leave your kids.NO BOPEEP, NOT SCARE TACTICS..JUST REALITY.
If you trulely want to be “THE VICTIM”, then stay the course and continue with the way you have “TAKEN CHARGE” because whether you realize it or not, “everything is caving in around you.” Again, the kids will pay the price for all of your nonesense.
If you kept the agreement we made and stuck with the plan, in a short period of time , we could of had it all, and your kids would have had a real opportunity to grow up in a “normail family enviroment” giving them the boost they need in today’s fXXXed up society.
It appears as though,you want to spend the rest of your life in personal & financial chaos, because that is where you are headed. Where does that leave your kids?
Let me know what you want to do, if anything
XXXXX
He made this mess for me all under my name and this is the mental trip he pulls…..I cant run fast enough!!! Bopeep
Bopeep,
He is trying to undermine your self confidence.
The great thing about getting advice from a P is that you will know EXACTLY what to do: THE OPPOSITE.
I’m sorry you have had to deal with him, but at least you have realized what he is doing. He can only be happy when you are miserable and he is scared that you will be able to climb out of the hole he has dug for you. His email is an obvious desperate attempt to keep you there.
Did you hire him or make any written agreement regarding his work and performance for your business? Because if you did perhaps you could sue him for not performing.