By Ox Drover
Most victims and former victims of sociopaths are extremely capable and smart people, so why exactly did these really smart people go “bankrupt” in their personal lives by letting a sociopath take over? That’s a question that has plagued me since I started on the road to healing.
I’ve always been a pretty astute businessperson and an excellent manager of both personnel and resources in my professional life. Why did I do so well in my professional life and go so wrong in my personal life?
I finally came to the conclusion that I ran my business like a business and I let my personal life be run in a very ”un-businesslike” manner.
I’ll use my farm as an example. I had a herd of cattle that I raised to provide meat, which I sold. So my product was meat, but my means of production was my cows having healthy calves, nursing those calves with plenty of milk, and being good mothers to the calves. If a cow did not have a calf because she had a fertility problem, she was an “unproductive” worker, so I had to fire her. Even if I was attached to her, and she was otherwise a nice cow, if she did not give birth to a calf every year, I could not afford to feed her (or “pay her salary”). If a cow was not having a calf, I noticed her lack of “production” and terminated her without too many tears, because I realized if I had a pasture full of cows that did not have calves, my farm would go “bankrupt.”
Suppose old “Bessie” hadn’t had a calf in five years, but she is so very sweet, and never kicks at me, so how could I in good conscience get rid of her, when she looks at me with those big brown eyes and nuzzles my hand when I go to feed her? Or how about old “Bell”? She has a calf every year, but she has a bad udder and doesn’t give any milk, so the calf always dies, but it really isn’t her fault, she just had an infection that caused her udder not to produce any more milk, and she really is so sweet, so what’s a little more feed anyway?
Or how about that old bull? I really do hate to get rid of him, he is so pretty, but he does tear down fences and go walkabout a couple of times a week.
How long before I would have nothing but a bunch of very decorative live pasture-art? My farm would go bankrupt because I let my emotions and excuses for why those animals were not “carrying their weight” influence me to keep on feeding unproductive stock.
I had little if any problem getting rid of unproductive or disruptive cows on my farm, because I knew that if I kept cows in my herd that cost more than they produced, or caused trouble for me or the rest of the herd by tearing down fences, trying to hurt me, or just in general causing problems, my farm would start to cost more than it brought in and I would go “bankrupt.”
So why didn’t I apply these same principles to my life that I did to my business? Well, first of all I let emotional attachment to “friends” and “family” who were “costing” me more than they produced to stay on my “emotional payroll.”
I had “friends” who only seemed to come around when they needed something, but after all, they really were in a bind, and maybe it wasn’t entirely their fault. I also had friends who seemed to think it was my responsibility to take care of them for the rest of their lives. I had friends and family who seemed to think that I owed them “unconditional love” because I gave birth to them, and no matter what they did, how badly they treated me, or used and abused me, I had to “play nice” with them.
How come if a cow even shook her head threateningly at me she was immediately hamburger, no matter how many calves she had or how fat she nursed them, and I had no problem at all sending her off to the butcher, but I couldn’t stand up to a “friend” or a family member and say, “Don’t treat me like that!”
I knew how to run a business, and I knew what made a business profitable or bankrupt. Why did I not know how to run a life and how to make it profitable and good? I let my life go bankrupt emotionally. Why did I think that things were going to change or get better if I simply allowed more output than there was income to continue? I kept giving to those in my life, but never receiving.
In our lives there are always times we give more than we get in supporting our friends and family, but if this is a continual occurrence, over time we become physically, financially and emotionally “bankrupt.” We must receive as well as give to friends and family.
Now, while I don’t literally run my “life” like I do the farm, figuratively I do. When a person is disruptive to the peace of my life, just like a cow with a dangerous attitude, I terminate them from my “pasture” so that I am not in danger of being hurt. If a person is always taking and never giving, that person is also removed from my “pasture” as unproductive. If a person is always breaking the rules and “jumping the fences” and causing trouble, what do I need that person in my life for? To get me out of bed at 2 a.m. to post their bail? To pay their rent because they can never seem to keep a job?
The people who are now in my life give as much as they receive, show respect for me and for the fences (boundaries) in my life. They don’t stand around waiting for me to bring them a bucket of “feed,” but they get out and hustle up their own, and take responsibility for themselves. I can count on these people to do what they say they will do, and to be trustworthy individuals.
My life is now more “profitable” than it has ever been and that “profit” is laid up as a big “bank account” filled to the brim with PEACE, LOVE and JOY! I am the richest woman in the world.
bopeep:
Foreclosure. AMEX suing. Mortgage problems. Mediations.
All took place on HIS watch. And HE can resolve them.
The contradiction between what has happened and what he claims will happen if he doesn’t remain in control is staggering.
Is S still involved in your business or any other affairs? If he is, fire him. Any contract you may have in place I am certain has a clause allowing you to terminate him for cause. The fact that things have gotten to this bad a point constitutes “for cause” in my book as a lawyer.
If you haven’t done so already, you have to notify all creditors, lawyers, etc that S no longer has the legal authority to act on behalf of you or your businesse(es) or with respect to your property. Get his name off of every bank account and credit line. You are best advised to close those that are still operating and reopen them in your name only or with you as the only authorized signatory. All notifications should be done immediately and then follow up in writing, certified mail. Also, if you have suppliers, same drill.
Thank you all…..he is way smarter than to have a contract with me or have his name on anything I own..because he just used me to suck money out of and ruin MY name..in business, property ect. He “sold” me the house with his real estate business…made me take out $85,000 extra…telling me I would need it to build townhouses…so I could buy the house I really wanted for my children and I…that was in 2006….nothing but bills were incurred…as he had a tenant that supposedly did not pay rent for 17 months….his friend was the money lender…all a scam…I will send him a notice certified mail…but he goes above the law just enough to fly lightly over the radar so any judge thinks Im being petty…but these things add up…He has so many corps…all for his convenience…a different hat for all occasions…to suit HIS need…The FBI feels a half a million dollars is not enough for them to chase…He has done this to others…Thanks for all advice!!!!
Dear Bluskies and Oxy. Thanks so much for validating me. For two years now I have been pushing in a direction with my psychiatrist to see how dangerous this relationship was for me and how it impacted me.
Total waste of time.
All I really wanted from her was to say ‘your an abused woman–lets help get you healed’. ‘Your being stalked which is not helping you–lets see what we can do’.
You have settled my soul just by hearing me and validating this horror.
I am still numb. I was hoping for some therapy to help process his filth but it looks like it is not going to happen. I am on my own. But as I am an independent person thats ok.
The shocks were so sudden that I never got time to process each event as it happened. Trapped inside my head.
Your advice is sound. I have been emotionally on the run for a long time now and it is not only a peacful place in my house I need–it is also in my head.
I haven’t been looking after myself. Taking care of my three kids have been my first priority and I have had to downsize my life suddenly under extreme conditions. As always with me–they came first.
I had basically learned to be very independent in those 7 years when he was the ‘good guy’. I had grown very emotionally strong, learned how to value myself and had become educated and free. Abuse was not a part of my life and I was very capable of spotting it and stopping it. Had fifteen years of practice beforehand.
I had learned to sort out my own problems and never really consulted him on these. This was the first time I asked him for help and it is when his S jumped out and attacked me.
He said he had got out of prison. Weird.
He said he had never changed.
God–it is so hard to believe I lived with that and didn’t know. I had so learned to trust him in this 7 years. It took that long after the previous 15.
I was a very highly spiritual person before this experience (not religious either). But right now my beliefs and faith have been shattered.
The hardest part is that my kids think he is great although it is just my youngest he bothers about. I get the impression that he is grooming her. He needs someone to take care of him in his old age if he can’t find that IDEAL woman. Since he left he doesn’t really bother with the two oldest–but crumbs of affection are great when there is scarcity.
Right now I don’t feel anger, sorrow or anything. Just nothing. I used to be such a caring, empathic person before this.
Can anyone answer the question, why he would want to destroy me. What the hell I had done to him in that evil mind to deserve it.
The most creepy part is that I felt that he had been studying me or a long time. Secretly planning this.
Its like 22 years of my life–accumulated wisdom–a long term living and growing relationship never existed.
Thanks for listeningxxx
Peace and love
dear little white horse, you answered your own question when you said, “Its like 22 years of my life”“accumulated wisdom”“a long term living and growing relationship never existed.”
That was his plan. They plan to impoverish us. They feel like they got a raw deal and they want everyone else to feel the same way. Don’t ask me where their raw deal came from, they just envy everyone, everything, all the time. So his plan was to take your self-confidence. That wisdom that you felt you were gaining, he was allowing you to feel that way so he could pull the rug out from under you.
Here’s how you deal with that in your head: True, he did deceive you for the last 7 years. and for the 15 before that. But his true nature finally showed and you saw it. Now you have your wisdom back in spades. You got your diploma and your degree. You still won because he didn’t destroy you and you ultimately saw what he was.
In the end, his game plan was a losing proposition for him. In order for him to “win” he had to reveal himself to make you feel bad. But by revealing himself, he gave you back your wisdom, so he lost and you won.
Do you know how I came to this logic? Easy, through gratitude. By focusing on all the knowledge I’ve gained, I can be grateful and know that I didn’t lose, he did. Because in the end, that’s what we are here to do: learn. right?
Littlewhitehorse, this might be an interesting thread to read right now, might help you find some answers…. :)xx
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/04/06/advice-for-dealing-with-sociopaths-don't-take-it-personally/
x
Oh dear, that link doesn’t work:( the artical is called, Dealing with Sociopath’s – dont take it personally, by Donna Anderson on the 6th of April 2009:)x
hey Sky, the detective stopped by kind of late last night and i didn’t expect to see him as he had an awards banquet to attend to get a 25 year pin etc. He brought in his plaque and showed me certificates fr Mayor and ring etc. and i didn’t have the heart to totally give him the heave hoe as i knew he felt bad enough that his wife was not interested in attending etc. he commented about looking at other couples and i gave him the book “Why is it always about You” and i did tell him to seek professional help for the boundaries and also said i did not need his wife finding out so im getting there. I just didn’t have the heart as i know it was hard for him to go alone to this function. Im such a dam whimp but i did enphasize the therapist issue etc. so i hope he follows through. kindheart
Hi. Thanks again for your replies. I am so glad I posted as I feel I have been given much food for thought.
I never ever want anything to do with him again.
All I want is my open, loving warm self back. But only wiser.
I used to be a very reflective person, but the stress of this encounter makes it hard me me to take things in at a deep level.
I hate the thought that I am WASTING my time on this person. But some of the things he did hit me deep and hard.
It is making me question my whole outlook on life. How could I have been so wrong.
I valued all living creatures.
My love for him was simple and pure. No strings attached. Given freely.
I valued my freedom and independence therefore I valued his right to be this way too. In fact I encouraged it.
Trust.
It is so hard for me to see that a part of the human race is not human. To not find their value in our planet.
I highly valued his opinion on many things. To be seen only as an object by this person after 22 years has affected me very deeply.
He stayed with me for 22 years. No one made him. He chose too. He could have left and I would have let him go.
I hope to get to a place like you Bluskies where you call him it. But ‘This person’ is all I can manage right now. I have been dehumanized and I know what it is like. To do it back would seem wrong to me.
How did you arrive at ‘IT’, or is that too personal?
And Skylar–I am listening.
Peace and Love xxx
Littlewhitehorse, I’ve been thinking about your posts, and I thought this:
You say you feel numb, that you dont feel anything right now… I think that it is not neccessarily a ‘bad’ thing… I think that sometimes when our ‘systems’ are ‘overloaded’ our bodies take over and shut down all but what is completely neccessary(i cant spell that word;)… this as a temporary measure isn’t so bad… your body is almost forcing you into a ‘quiet place’.
You said “I had learned to sort out my own problems and never really consulted him on these. This was the first time I asked him for help and it is when his S jumped out and attacked me.” This is really interesting. It really resonates with me. I grew up in a love-less world and I learned to be very ‘independant’ … I didnt expect help, to have needs means an attack, and is ‘selfish’, so I didnt ask for it, I hid my problems from friends, I tried to hide them from the S/P, but I really, as a human being NEEDED to be able to have the trust in someone someday to ask for it and it be ‘okay’. I was an independant constantly on the edge. Yes independant but the HUNGER for ‘normal’ trust was raw. I was STARVING. Trying to control my normal human need to be loved and supported. I wonder if the S/P could see that in me, because just as with you, if I tentatively indicated a need, it was met with an assault. I think they instictively hone in on these things, the straws that break your back… or are they on display for all to see?…. tackling them in ourselves, for me, was key to my healing process(so far)xxxx
I hope that wasnt tooo rambling;)xxxx
Hi LWH, we were posting over eachother:)xxx