On Friday, June 22, 2012, the verdicts were announced in two important child molestation trials that had been going on simultaneously in Pennsylvania:
Jerry Sandusky, the former assistant football coach of Penn State University, was convicted of 45 of the 48 child molestation charges against him. And, Monsignor William J. Lynn was found guilty of essentially contributing to a cover-up of sexual predators among Catholic priests in the archdiocese of Philadelphia. The priests had been molesting children for years. Lynn was the first high-ranking church official to be prosecuted for failing to protect children.
The Philadelphia Inquirer has reported on both of these cases extensively. You can read more about them here:
Complete coverage: Scandal at Penn State
Complete coverage: Clergy abuse case
In both of these cases, sordid details of men using their positions of prestige and power to seduce and manipulate children were aired in public. The eight young men who testified in the Jerry Sandusky trial were incredibly brave, and prosecutors in the church trial were able to introduce into evidence decades worth of rape and molestation charges. For victims everywhere, many of whom probably thought they would never be believed or see any modicum of justice, the verdicts are great victories.
But here is the real change brought about by these trials: Big, powerful institutions are now on notice. They can no longer sacrifice the innocents in order to preserve their reputations and protect their treasuries. Whether it is the Holy Roman Catholic Church or Penn State Football, the hierarchies will be held responsible for the crimes of their representatives.
According to the Inquirer, since priest abuse allegations first started surfacing in the mid-1980s, more than 3,000 civil lawsuits have been filed, and the Catholic Church has paid out more than $3 billion in settlements. Dioceses have closed parishes and sold property to cover the costs. The Diocese of Wilmington, Delaware, filed for bankruptcy.
Read Sex-abuse crisis is a watershed in the Roman Catholic Church’s history in America, on Philly.com.
Penn State University, with two officials already indicted for perjury related to the Sandusky case, anticipates more criminal proceedings and an onslaught of civil suits. The university has already embarked on damage control. As soon as Sandusky was declared guilty, the university announced a program to offer cash settlements to the victims.
Read: Bob Ford: In Sandusky case, Penn State tries to get ahead of civil actions, on Philly.com.
(By the way, more Sandusky victims, besides the 10 listed in the trial, have come forward. Read: Jerry Sandusky trial did not include all of his alleged victims, on ABCNews.go.com.)
So, for all of us at Lovefraud, all of us who have been manipulated, molested and abused, these verdicts are worth celebrating. Evil was exposed. Evildoers are going to prison. Enablers of evil are paying the price for averting their eyes, shutting their mouths and failing to act.
All of us who are fighting the good fight should feel encouraged. Perhaps the time is coming when we can go up against the rich and powerful—and win.
Oxy-sad but true, the next step is too address the abuse from my mom. I love my mom dearly BUT she has been emotionally abusive all of my life. Hers is passive-aggresive emotionally abuse though. The meassage, I guess, as always been, “you make mistakes therefore shame on you.” Always in a sweet tone though. Ugh…seems she’s my h with a sweet tone instead of an angry tone.
I guess she always made me feel inadequate because she mostly kept a sweet tone and I didn’t. I’m beginning to think even the sweet tone she uses is only to manipulate…as in, “I can say whatever I want as long as I have a nice tone. If you get mad at me, start yelling or call me out, then your a bad person. Look at gentle me.” I’m really just hashing out my thoughts at the moment because the dynamics with her are confusing. All I know for sure is, she wanted us all to feel way to much guilt and shame. I definitely can see it in the one brother, the brother who is “strong” like me.
Boundaries, time to start setting them with mom. I guess I’ll have to get past the guilt. I guess will be honoring her by respectfully setting
boundaries even when she or someone else uses the guilt card.
And, yes, flaws are still pointed out. Usually very small ones or even made up ones. The simplest thing that I may have done 30 years ago is spoken about by her with terror. Example, I apparently kicked my oldest brother in the boys when I was 5-6. I don’t remember it, but you would think I shot someone. Thirty eight years later she talks about it as if I committed an act of Satan(but with a sweet tone….ughhh). I don’t remember it, I can’t even defend myself. I don’t know if I was just being a brat or if it was self defense. My brothers picked on me really bad (there’s that emotional abuse I never new wasn’t normal)and/or beat me up quit often. Geesh, it was thirty eight years ago, does she really have to keep shame on me for it. That’s just one example.
Just-Us-5,
Of course the sweet tone was to manipulate you. It was also another way to stick it you and confuse you.
She might be in denial that is what she is doing, but somewhere in her head, that is her intention.
You get to reject her words. You need to set the boundary that you’re not going to listen to that anymore.
Tell her to get over it and get a life. Tell her you’re not having this conversation anymore.
If you want it to stop, then stop it.
Abuse is abuse, whether it’s “sweet” and passive-aggressive or it’s blantantly predatory and/or violent.
Oh yes, I also know the sweet tone abuse. When I would confront mother in law..on something that my gut didn’t feel right she would say, “Why no sweetheart, I have no idea. Now, let’s go water the hostas. Or.. sugar is your homework done? or I’d better stir the soup.” The subject would be changed. That is that! You will NOT be talking about your concern or what didn’t Feel right. Then she would proceed to go home – and if possible be “on the couch for 3 days” unable to eat. Or work herself to death to prove how hard SHE worked. It was always all about her.
But ya, I love the notion that it’s ok to insult or bully the hell out of someone… as long as you say it nicely. (Not)
All I can say is Woo Hoo! Finally, a big freakin’ spotlight has been turned on, illuminating the dark places where the covert abuse of children happens, and the abusers and their enablers are scurrying out of the light like the cockroaches they are. Its about freaking time!!! Is there something about Pennsylvania in particular that apparently encourages an endemic, pervasive culture of child abuse to flourish? Is anyone studying how this has happened, how a culture of child sexual abuse has coalesced in this particular area like a black, toxic mold hidden between the walls? Its not likely to have sprung up overnight, its probably been going on for many, many generations and over long decades of time. I’d be really interested to read any studies about how an entire child-abusing culture/society gets started, so we can better understand how to root it out and keep it from growing in the first place. Keep those spotlights on ALL the time, I guess!!
The counselor I saw for several years called it ironclad manipulation and said it’s martyrdom at it’s finest.
She taught the anti-social behavior to the man who became my husband whom I tried to understand for >25 years and finally gave up. I thought I could help him, fix him, assist him, understand him, even accept him – I waited too long thinking HE wanted to change. If he did want to change…. he couldn’t pull it off.
Just us 5
The “sweet tone” to say nasty things is ABUSE, and “passive aggressive” is STILL AGGRESSIVE.
Oh, yes, I know what you are saying, my egg donor does the same thing…the sweetisie knife in the back. Well, I decided I will not play that game any more and I had to go NC with her in order not to play the game.
Yea, as honest kind giver says “martyrdom at its finest” and I may have done X, Y or Z 35 years ago but I don’t need to be reminded of it now, or spanked for it either.
I treat others with respect (don’t let her push your buttons or lose it and scream or yell) just say to her…something planned in advance like “I may actually have done that 35 years ago, but I really don’t need to be reminded of it now or spanked for it either, I am not likely to repeat that.” SAY it SWEETLY…and of course she will respond with “well, I didn’t mean anything by it” which of course you will respond with, “in that case, maybe it would be best not to mention it then.”
If you just REPEAT this every time she says something snarky eventually she may stop…or she may not.
You can’t control what she says or how she behaves, but you can CONTROL HOW YOU RESPOND….and what you are willing to tolerate from her.
With my egg donor I chose NC because I am not willing to be lied to.
Passive aggressive, thats the term I could not put my finger on. Reminds me so much of gaslighting. Both are crazy-making.
I read the first few posts in this thread and it brought to mind something I found years ago and I’d like to share – I hope you enjoy this piece by Kevin Downing & Peter Robbins (citations at bottom) and find something wonderful in it for yourselves. It may or may not be appropriate for you – but if you struggle with issues around God and Jesus and doing that which you have been told is expected of you as a “good Christian” I can tell you this piece had a profound effect on me. The take-away – aside from the good lessons in the article – we need to truly read the Bible and not let charlatans and manipulators tell us what is there and how it is to be interpreted… The Misconception #3 they address seems most appropriate to some of what has come up here on this thread …
May God bless you all and keep you and yours safe … Breck
~THE JESUS WHO DID NOT PLEASE OTHERS~
Jesus Christ was a tremendous disappointment to almost everyone who knew and loved him at one time or another. He was a Savior who never freed God’s people from the oppressive Roman rule. Jesus was a Chosen One who began to wipe out human hunger with five loaves of bread and two fish, but who quickly gave it up. Jesus was a Christ who could have physically healed everyone if he hadn’t spent so much time with his friends in the desert. Jesus was the Coming King who was born in a feeding trough in a barn and who had a name as common as Joe. And Jesus was the Lord of heaven and earth, yet he was crucified ”“ the most humiliating of deaths.
Jesus did not please everyone. It was not his strategy to make people happy at any cost. Jesus did, however, know his calling with razor sharp accuracy and was determined to fulfill it. Somehow Jesus could look beyond the misguided demands of people and see eternal needs.
As a result, Jesus served like no other. But he served in ways that people did not expect. As Christians we are also called to serve. But our efforts at serving others easily become distorted. Seven different misconceptions about servanthood produce great pain in our lives and the lives of others.
Misconceptions of Servanthood
Misconception #1: The depth of my servanthood is measured by how happy I make those around me. The truth is that Jesus did not make everyone around him happy. In fact, he was eventually crucified by those whom he loved. When we live for Christ the Bible tells us that we may experience persecution ”“ even by our loved ones at times. See: Gal 1:10, Ps 55:12-14, Matt. 5:11-12; John 15:20
Misconception #2: To be a servant I must become something like a robot ”“ brainless and uncreative ”“ or I must do the opposite of everything I dream and desire. The truth is that Christ came that we might use all of our God-given gifts, including our mind and creativity. The more we become like Christ, the more our will and God’s will become one. We will desire God’s will and God will be a cheerleader for us. See: Psalm 20:4, 37:4, 103:5, 145:19; Ro. 8:5
Misconception #3: When I “die to the flesh,” I die as a person as a punishment for my sinful nature. The truth is that dying to the ’flesh’ or the ’self’ does not mean to kill our bodies or our personalities ”“ that’s suicide!!! Dying to the flesh is the choice to act out of grace rather than out of shame, hurt or revenge. Rather than punishment, dying to the flesh allows us to become the grace-full people we long to be. See: Matt. 16:24-26; Ro. 6:13, 12:1-2; I Peter 2:24, 4:10; II Tim. 1:6-7; John. 10:10
Misconception #4: Servanthood involves no risk because when we have truly given all to Christ, God takes all the responsibility for every decision. The truth is that God allows us to grapple with the gray areas of life so that we might grow spiritually and expand our wisdom and knowledge. See: James 1:2-4; I Peter 5:7; Phil.. 2:12-13
Misconception #5: There is one Perfect path for each person’s servanthood. The truth is that perfectionism has no place in Godly living. It reduces us to a crazy mechanical life far different from the life of intimate grace to which God has called us. We learn the fine points of this new life partly through trial and error. See: Phil. 3:12; Ro. 8:28; Eph. 2:8-10
Misconception #6: True Servanthood has no place for rest or recreation ”“ there is no time to be built up when other people are hurting and need our help. The truth is that to fulfill God’s calling in our life we must be a good steward of our temple (i.e. our body). That means rest, fellowship, solitude, education ”“ and yes, while others are hurting. Jesus often left the needy crowds to be with his friends, and his Father, in quiet places free of distraction and business. See: Matt. 11:28-29, Mk. 6:31; Heb 4:3
Misconception #7: Servanthood guarantees that others will acknowledge and appreciate our efforts and therefore take care of our needs in return. The truth is that servanthood is not giving in order to get. Great fulfillment is waiting for those who serve others, yet there are times to stop giving so we may be restored. This restoration is not selfishness ”“ rather it is good stewardship. See: II Tim. 4:7-8; Luke 5:16; John 11:54
Recovery from people-pleasing behaviors is not easy. It requires us to identify our misconceptions about servanthood, to clarify our true calling to mutual, respectful service and to identify the unresolved pain which is at the root of our people-pleasing life styles.
Kevin Downing and Peter Robbins are therapists at Turning Point Counseling in Diamond Bar, California. Copyright 1991, used with permission.
Oxy, Karma, Honest, G1S and anyone I may have forgotten, thank you all for your input. It’s nice to be understood on this issue. While my mother may not be a monster, she sure has played some mind games.
One of you called it gaslighting, and maybe it is. I have studied gaslighting in relation to how my h treats me, and was surprised to find out…yep, he does. I need to explore that concerning my mom. Someone called it martyrdom at it’s best. I can see that. I think that it what she does, but I need to read up on that subject too.
Oxy-I busted a gut when I read your example of a conversation between us when she “attacks” me. I laughed when you altered the conversation we have, in that you changed my words. You gave me strong, confident words. Words my mother would hate to hear out of my mouth. Words I would love to come out of my mouth. I will read and reread what you wrote and try to reply in that manner. I’ll also brace myself for the tears. She most likely will start crying. At which point I am suppose to consider myself the bad guy and began to feel sorry for HER and start apologizing.
Geesh, talking about her has me concerned about my own behaviors in the past with my nh. He once told the counselor I manipulate him with my crying. Oh, gee, like mother, like daughter? That dynamic is very confusing but I do indeed know he has indeed been verbally, mentally and physically abusive. But I am wondering…which came first..the chicken or the egg?
Thank you, Breckgirl. I appreciated what you shared very much.
It reminds me of a piece I wrote, “Does God Know a Psychopath?” The Bible verses in your piece are along the lines that I used.