As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
I feel that an annonymous email with a few carefully chosen words, gentle and concerning, as you said “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com” would plant a seed in their mind and alert them. It could create an awareness and hopefully a life-line they can grab onto before they fall into that dark abyss that we have so painfully experienced.
In this case where you lost so much I’d say “go for it” …. create a new email account for this purpose. There are loads of free and untraceable accounts available.
As much as this sounds devious and sly, we are dealing with very sick minds afterall. As long as the intentions for such practices are completely honourable and not vindictive I say go for it. In terms of the information you might offer to this new victim: “Use it or don’t, it’s up to you” BUT don’t get into a war with the person. If animosity comes back at you practice no contact. Be careful of what you say and how you say it. Don’t even reveal your true identity.
From what the woman wrote, it sounds like her conscience is bothering her not telling — I would tell and then let it go. I would also ask the other woman (the anonymous email idea is good!) to ‘test’ the man. i.e. Ask if she has been giving him money or if he’s borrowed any. Then suggest she put some boundaries around money — and wait for his response. Describe what she believes the response will be — and if she’s right, if he does react the way she described, the woman will have evidence that possibly he is who the woman says she is. While it may not cause her to put the brakes on entirely, she can at least be wary.
Like Donna, I believe attempting it is important — as long as it can be done safely.
I wish that someone would have warned me about the man I met who wanted us to be friends. I was told that he will hurt me, but no one would elaborate and I was in the dark. He seemed so nice and caring and after where I’d been in my marriage, so broken and needy, I couldn’t think anyone could be so calculating. I wish someone would have told me what to look out for and what form it would take. I was so naive and broken, but I had no idea a man wrapped in such a nice package and coming from a very respectable family, could have done what he did. Sometimes I have this reality check, and it overwhelms me and I have to sit and ponder the events that led me to the point I’m at now.
I had no idea that someone would prey on my despair and use me. I’m actually more upset with me than him for not seeing it coming. I prided myself on being more astute than that. I had been told that he hits on women, but so do a lot of other men. I didn’t know he used women to further his means. Had I known what to be prepared for, I would have at least been able to stay one step ahead. But the most of us, I think we think that we are the one to make the difference. That there was something wrong with the other ones and they just didn’t understand him. That was my thought. What naive thinking! I plead ignorance and innocence as far as knowing what was happening. The sad part is that I really liked him and he really turned my head. They are so good at what they do, that you have a hard time determining which part is real and who is the real man. I only ever saw him in one setting, so after the fact, I started asking around. He didn’t like that. He said he could do that to me. I gave him carte blanch. I had nothing to hide.
I sometimes wonder had I been totally informed, would I have believed it. He heard me out and used my words against me, but I thought he was just caring and really had my interests at heart. This man/woman thing isn’t as easy as it should be. I’m so guarded anymore, that I don’t know who I can trust, besides my children. They give me hope that all isn’t lost. I feel so bad for the ones I hear about who have been where I’ve been. I want to say, I could have told you so, not to gloat, but to commiserate. It’s almost like a rite of passage. We can do it better. Not!
I would give someone signs to look for and just wait and see. I would bait him, just to test him. I have found if they make money and sex the top priorities, that is their motivation and ultimate goal. They flatter us to achieve their end. Flattering a woman is just a way to manipulate us. I know that, but when it comes from a really handsome man, who seems to have it together, we’re not thinking he just has us in his sights. I’ve learned that sometimes a wrapped package is just that. It’s a package filled with lies, deceit, cunning, manipulation, exploitation, etc. It’s their welfare they are concerned with. I was so blindsided by it all, that after the dust settled, I was trying to figure out how my lending him money, helped me. That’s how gone I was on his words. They really mess with our thought process. Total confusion.
I don’t think it is a good idea to talk to her personally about this. We all know how sweet, loving and caring a psychopath can be at the beginning of a relationship, and we know this by experience. We’re blind and brainwashed by the vampire. She will not believe you. The best thing to do is to give her this website or offer her a psychopath related book. She needs to understand that this people exist and how they work and the symptoms to help her to recognize them. She needs to read the stories and different experiences that we all went through because of the involvement with a psychopath and came up with her own conclusions, or at least be alert of what she can expect from this relationship. I wished someone had given me this website seven years ago, maybe I would save myself from all the pain I’m going through right now.
Im already working on it.
Yes, I think it is important to tell, especially if the next person has children. If you tell them and they dont believe you, that is their problem. I think if you dont tell, it is almost like you ae acting as an enabler to conceal the potential abuse.
I tried to warn several subsequent victims, and three of them have paid attention to the things I said and the warnings I sent them from dontdatehimgirl.com. He figured out what I was doing, and swore he could trace my actions (including an anonymous posting from an email address to one woman’s MySpace page) and it was terrifying for a while there, but he always stays out of legal trouble. He was very threatening, though. I’m too scared to post something to the new victim’s MySpace page, but she really deserves a warning, poor thing. She thinks she’s found the love of her life, just like every other woman he seduces, uses, “borrows” money from, dominates, and emotionally abuses. How traceable are warnings like mine? Could he really tell it was me, or was he just blaming every woman he’s damaged in scattershot fashion? She deserves a fighting chance to get out while she can. Someone needs to warn her or a member of her family who can talk to her. He is an internet predator of the worst sort.
I posted my information on dontdatehimgirl.com with the same photo I took and he used on plentyoffish.com. We met on the internet. He was informed by a “friend” his post said, of my post. So it worked. He responded with lies. I posted a rebuttal. Also ironically his lies had accused me of bank fraud, scheming, and that an investigation was underway. All lies. Last Thursday I was personally served a subpoena for information in an insurance fraud case against him. He is going to be charged with insurance fraud. His account on POF has been closed.
You reap what you sow. Because of God and Lovefraud I am well on my way to regaining my joy. Both brought me through a very bad time, wouldn’t be where finally I am now without either. I have nothing but praise and gratitude for both.
As soon as I clear it legally, I will post this update about him being charged. Of course I’ve heard from him. He sees the change in me. I expect him to use each and every one of his old behaviors. He’s already begun, first it was my fault, then I still love you’s, and then the sympathy plea as “he was just starting to get his life straightened out.” They no longer work, nor will they. My responses, when necessary are brief and direct. I have reestablished my boundaries and thus feel I have regained control of my life. He doesn’t like to get truthful public exposure nearly as well as he liked posting public lies about me.
Vengeance is not mine and I struggled with that, yet I felt I had a debt to repay to do something to warn others, based predominantly out of gratitude for my own well being. If his “friend” did see it and tell him, even if only one person is helped, then my posting and his wrath will be worthwhile. I will finish posting with as much valuable info as will fit that I gained here. I’ve already prepared my final post.
I found trying to warn a person individually didn’t work. Either I didn’t have any way of contacting her or when I did make contact, he was able to excuse me away. As DDHG becomes better known though my post has gotten a great deal of views, and if it doesn’t end up with a reputation for just trash talk, in my experience it was perfect. He’d used the net to trash me, I used it to expose him. I posted the truth, with verifiable and credible information, my email is there for any questions, I am not immediately seen as just yesterday’s bad news. It’s anyone’s choice to take it or leave it, either way I feel I’ve done my part.
So be sure and be strong before you open yourself up to “him” again. But do it–with an attitude of love for your neighbor whenever and however you can! It is bringing me the closure I needed. It’s not over yet, but I’m strong and confident that I can handle anything. Knowledge truly is powerful. I can pray for him, but that’s all I can do because the rest is up to him and not me any more. Thank you Lovefraud, you are fighting the good fight and it’s working!!
I had a friend who told my story to one of the Bad Man’s female friends. I would say… she was under the Bad Man’s spell already. She did not believe the warning.
However, I know that not too long after, their friendship ended with her telling him, “Do not contact me again. Go get some help!!!”
My friend, who tried to warn this woman, was very upset by the experience. He has never had the experience of not being believed by someone. It was very upsetting but it gave him more understanding about what I was going through.
I do warn people anonymously via Craigslist which he uses to troll for new women. I have posted ads following his posts and I have been contacted by people from those ads. One woman that he dated for 5 months after me found me this way and we have compared our experiences. Her experiences were a little different than mine and I understand now that depending on what he is using a woman for… their experience of abuse varies quite a lot.
Anyway, it has been rewarding and validating for me let other women know about this man. I did get a email smack from him “Elise, you are and were the worst ever!!” I didn’t reply back so he does not know for sure that it was me because of the blind email system on Craigslist.
Also, the Bad Man is in the Hawaiian islands so I feel safe from CA warning other women. He is too cheap to come after me in person and he’s a coward anyway. He just liked to abuse people with email bombs.
Lastly, I think pointing someone to the resource of Lovefraud is a good way to go. Don’t bother to tell your story as you will end up sounding like a hystrical woman and the Sociopath has already set the stage for you to play that roll. Whatever you say, it will likely back up his story. People have no reason to believe that someone is lieing to them when they say you are a liar and a cheat and a disgruntled lover.
The best thing is to give them a little information, they won’t believe you at first, but when those nagging feelings that something might be wrong come up, it might put them on a faster track to realizing what is going on.
That’s my 2 cents for the day!!
Aloha…