As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Hello,Neverneverland, welcome—
Calling the IRS is JUSTICE not “revenge” —and any other law enforcement agency you think might even listen to you. Good for you!
Unfortunately most of the time they are just “skirting” the law, but sometimes they cross over enough that even the “smart” ones get caught. I would stay on it with as many details as you can about the IRS thing. They don’t like FRAUD so they might actually get himm if you have enough details to nail him. Good lluck on that.
There is healing after these monsters, and it may take a while, but my personal opinion is that KNOWLEDGE is power, and knowing about THEM (there is a cookie cutter thing about them and the way they think and act—not identical but sure a pattern) and seeing it, learning about it, etc. will at least let you AVOID another one in the future and helpyou heal.
I suggest you take the time and READ every essay on this site and many of the books about “them”–you are fortunate to have a therapist that “gets it” about them. PURE EVIL, no conscience. Many professionals don’t even “get it” about the way they act.
However there are some great and insightful professionals on this blog, and the data is not just “hot air” but good solid stuff. Read and learn! Good luck!
OxDrover,
Thank you for your kind reply. I had to think about calling the IRS for a while. The more I saw him spend money hand over fist that he never paid a dime of taxes on, the more it chapped my hide. We ALL pay taxes, no matter how we feel about it. He made the mistake of thinking that I wasn’t paying attention. But I read the mail. I listened. If we were talking a few thousand dollars, I might have questioned my reasoning. But we are NOT talking about a small sum of money. It was well into the six figure range.
Let this be a lesson: if you don’t do anything unethical or illegal, you don’t have to worry. I have no qualms about doing what I did.
My S used to own a business and didnt pay taxes. He would never tell me much about the details, but basically the IRS caught onto him somehow and his paycheck was garnished for a long while for quite a large sum. It was kind of nice to see him have to “pay”. They arent able to fool everyone!
Unfortunately they came after his exwife too, for 1/2 and she is a good woman – a victim of his ways but she was strapped with paying for it too.
I vote yes – on reporting it, neverneverland! Let him face some consequences for his actions. They sure as heck get by with most everything else!
free; i know its so funny its so stupid i nearly wasnt going to write about the toilet freshner, but i just had to cause it just shows how pathetic they are. he probably has copied other things too i just dont know about, its like they are copying our life even with the little things like sheets and freshners. it does make me laugh. im glad you looked at the girls face book even though it is sad. i would like to find out more about the new victim mine has i only know her first name so dont know if i could find much or find her on face book, but i think i would discover the same thing you have that she is head over and thinks he is the love and saviour of her life. just hope that if she is intuitive and spiritual that she may work things out sonner rather than later but i am both those things and in a way i think it made put up with more i was more understanding as a spiritual person more tolerant. but my intuitio was firing and i kept pushing it away. just curious though what do you think made you look at the face book page. happy easter to you too.
peggy;thanks for the reply. mine too was asked to deal drugs for a bikey gang, he said to me that he turned them down. again so many similarities. i dont want to sound dumb but what is projection. is it them putting what they feel on to you as your feelings? not sure but love to be explained if you or anyone else here can. i am still learning about this illness he has. and in saying that its sad that he doesnt even realise he has an illness. am sure mine too is taking the new victim to the same resturaunts and places we used to go to. it must make him mad that you and his ex wife are friends now. i dont know anyhting much about any of mine s exs only their first names. i know his ex fiance used to contact him when he was with me thats when he told me he never replies to her msgs. i do know that he runs me down to one of this exes the one he was with after me. he makes sure that none of us know much if anything about each other names places of work ect all hidden although even if i could contact anyof them least of all the new one i dont think they would beleive me. although i do know one tested him when they had broken up. he was seeing this girl with babies and he had stored all this baby stuff at his home for her while she was moving. anyway he must of had a visit from the ex and she asked if he was still seeing the girl with the babies cause she saw he still had all the baby stuff at his house, he said no. so she said i will take you to her house as he doesnt have a car, im going near her house and you can return her stuff to her. she said she was picking up a friend who lived near there and she didnt mind helping him out. then when he said ok that would be good she later said the freind had gone away and she wouldnt be going all that way for nothing. she was just testing to see what he would do or if he was still hanging onto the stuff hoping he would get back with the other girl or if he was lying to her saying they had broken up. when he told me about this i thought that was very generous of the ex to offer such a thing for his new or most previous girlfreind. then i realised right away she was testing him out, and no intention of taking the stuff to his girls house. funy thing was he didnt see through it he thought she was just being nice, i saw it right away. thanks again…….
Jules:
Here is the technical definition for projection: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection
Basically, the S gives you clues…they accuse you of lying when they are, they accuse you of having an affair because they are, etc. All of their unacceptable behaviours are the things they accuse you of.
They are always the victim. They take no personal responsibility for anything they have done. When I told one of my S’s extended family members he was a Sociopath, the S must have looked it up because he said, “You said I was a psychopath” with disdain and disgust. My S is never at fault. He is perfect (in his own eyes) and must have that reflected back to him by others. When there is a crack in the mirror (someone sees his faults) he is hostile, out-of-countol, juvenile, horrible, ugly, and mean. I have never experienced such cruelty focused on me. And after I truly “saw” him, I spoke with his (identical) twin brother, his former best friend, his sister, other former friends, business partners, and his ex-wife. Everyone had the same story to tell, just different chapters. He has a history of abuse. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and physical abuse. He has a history of assault, and illegal activities (fraud, money laundering, tax evasion, drug dealing, etc.). And yes, I have spoken to the authorities (in regard to the discussion above by neverneverland , findingmyselfagain, and OxDrover). I pray there are no repurccussions as he has often said, “revenge is a strong emotion” and I have read they are very vindictive. The stories he told me about these people had elements of fact, but they were twisted or flipped over (the opposite of) the truth in his favor. In many instances (surprise, surprise!) he told outright, and outrageous lies, particularly about his ex-wife. It must have been a real shock to him to see me at her court date (against him for property sold).
He has gotten away with everything all of his life, he has never had to play the “truth or consequences” game. His (older) sister said his mother let him get away with everything growing up, he ran wild, and didn’t have much discipline. I am wondering if this lack of discipline is a contributing factor? Because he seemingly had a strong family unit (7 children) that was hardworking, “normal”, and churchgoing. He did not come from a broken family.
In terms of genetics, I cannot say for certain that his identical twin is also a S although I suspect so. And some of the siblings clearly seem not to be S’s. I have only met the identical twin about 3 times (broken relationship of course). I DO know for a fact that my S’s son is S, and have serious concerns about the S’s daughter and particularly his granddaughter. His granddaughter is a beautiful blonde, blue-eyed adorable little girl of 6. However, ever since I met her (at 2) I felt there was something “off” or “wrong” with her. I’ve been around a lot of children, and had not had a similar feeling with any others. She seemed “disconnected”; she was not verbal and would look at you and run, or seemed “spacey”. I asked him if she talked because I did not hear her speak, and he said yes; and I asked him if he thought she was autistic and he said no. I’m not around her anymore, but family members have told me her behaviour is more out of control, she acts out, and for instance if you are walking toward a chair, she will run and sit in it so you cannot. She has also had behavorial problems in school. I wish I could help her, because from what I understand, if the “disease” is identified early enough, there may be some help available through medication and/or counseling. But of course since there is nothing wrong with him, and his molesting son (in jail) is a family outcast, his other (the few family members he associates with or rather that associate with him) do not identify my S as a S nor believe me when I have tried to expose him. I’m sure he tells them I’m psycho-B and want him back. I’m certain he has said horrible lies about me, as I know the atrocious things he said about his ex (she is a very lovely, kindhearted person). His new love did not believe a word I told her (I spoke to her 1/2 an hour on the phone). Not a word. I told her, “I swear to you on the Bible, on my life, my children’s lives, and (even my dog’s life) that everything I am telling you is true” but was met with deaf ears.
Free/Jules I know how you feel that you want to stop the pain for the next victim, but my experience is that this is not possible. See the link above for Heartless Bitches, “You Think You are Special”. This is what the new woman believes, that she is “the one”.
The good thing is that there is is a lot of personal growth and introspection after an association with a S. My experience is that we look inward at ourselves in new ways to figure out our quest in life, and also that we learn the powerful lesson of forgiviness…of ourselves, as well as the perpetrator.
I have compiled an A-Z list for Sociopaths (obviously not what we fell in love with, but their true self that is revealed). Please feel free to add ajectives!
Sociopath
A. Aberrant, Abusive, Aggressive, Authoritative, Ambitious
B. Bully, Blaming
C. Cruel, Conning, Coward, Cold
D. Disdainful, Distanced, Defective, Dishonest, Delusional
E. Exploitive, Egotistical
F. Fraudulent, False, Friendless
G. Gregarious, Greedy
H. Hateful, Hurtful, Haughty, Hellian, Heartless, Humorless, Horrible
I. Insane, Inhumane, Irresponsible
J. Jerk, Juvenile
K. (un) Kind
L. Liar, Lawless, Luring
M. Manipulative, Menacer, Mean
N. Naughty, Noncaring
O. Ornery
P. Pretentious, Projectors
Q.
R. Ranting
S. Sexual, Stealing, Self-serving, Selfish, Showy
T. Thief
U. Unethical, Unkind, Ugly
V. Vengeful
W. Win-at-all costs
X. (e) Xploitive
Y .
Z. (over) Zealous
Peggy Pseu
But an abuser is an abuser an abuser. What does an abuser do? Abuse. The S will do the same thing over and over to victim after victim. It is what they DO. Why do they do it? Because they can.
I suggest that we meet our S’s at a most vulnerbale and “needy” time and that our guards are down. I met my S while a) going through a divorce and b) going through the hurt of a break up with someone I consider the “love of my life”, a 16-month relationship whereby he went back to his wife (he was separated). The S sees the “need” and, in their predatory nature, “attacks” the victim (us).
The S initially seems like a Knight-in-shining armour or a Prince on a white horse. They seem too good to be true; because, in fact they are. The S wields nothing but a web of lies and deceit. And we are readily, in our neediness, caught in the web, caught in the “dream” of goodness and perfection. Caught in the dream of true love.
And it is the loss of the “dream”, the “hope”, the “love”, and the sexuality (ahhh, they are oh-so-sexual, aren’t they?) and also the deep sense of personal betrayal, that causes the “addiction”, longing for them, the obsessiveness, the “figuring out the puzzle” of them, and the deterioriation of emotional and physical health for us as a consequence.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. There IS light, enlightmentment, and healing.
peggywhoever,
I really enjoy reading your posts. They shine a light on so much that I went through. Of your list of descriptors, one stood out: “unethical.” There were several times when I felt this tug at my conscience. It was telling me that I should leave, because I knew that my ex was very, very unethical. Not just about not paying his taxes, but about everything. He’d run up a bill with a cell phone provider, refuse to pay it, and get another cell phone service. He did the same with a lot of utilities and services — he got cable he never paid for (turned off), a home security system that was never paid for (turned off), etc. Worst of all, he put up some items for sale on the Internet that didn’t even exist and “sold” them to people. Because all of the people were in different states, there was no way for them to mobilize and take him to court, but I tell you what, someone should have taken him down at that point, the police or whoever does that.
He did have his good side, which was very, very good … it permitted me to excuse his behavior. Never again will I fall into that trap. Never.
neverland:
I like your screen name, it makes me laugh. (By the way, my name is not Peggy…I go by Peggy “Pseu”, pseu meaning “pseudynm”). haha.
Our S’s seem very similar in their lawlessness. They have no conscience, (guilt nor remorse) so they don’t care who they rip-off. It’s all about the money. All about the game. All about winning. All about power. (oh, and don’t forget the great sex).
I believe my S will be in a federal prison (for 5 years) within the next 2 years. The evidence just keeps piling up…more evidence by the week, as the network of people he has (figuratively) raped and pillaged tell their stories, and have provided documentation. It is inconceivable to me that he has gotten away with this all of his life! I have done intensive investigation in trying to figure out 1) “who” he is, and 2) what he has done. In some ways, I think I know him better than he knows himself…it’s almost uncanny how predictable Sociopaths are. It gets so you read someone’s post and you know what is coming next, although it hasn’t happened yet. Sociopaths are so alike.
Glad you’ll never fall into a relationship with a Bad Man again. Me, neither. One red flag and they’re out.
Free:
Maybe you should consider yourself lucky he wasn’t that sexual with you. Because I can tell you honestly, going to bed at night was my favorite time of the day, and I still miss that…it was really the only time he was affectionate, and loving, and I will always remember, and somewhat long for, that closeness, intimacy and well, great sex, in terms of frequency, and attunement. It would be easier for me if we hadn’t had that close connection. Over time he became more distant both emotionally and sexually, almost like punishing me for desiring that closeness.
So count your blessings. The memory is painful.
You may want to be careful Free, regarding not asking for a divorce. I strongly suggest you at least contemplate a legal separation, because these S are extremely exploitive financially (not to mention vengeful) and if he runs up debt, you may be jointly responsible for it. At least consult with an attorney regarding your options, and try to financially position yourself so there will not be financial devastation. In most (if not all) states, you can contact your local bar association and have a consultation with an attorney for a reasonable fee (about $35 here for 1/2 hour).