As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Free, I agree with Peggy 110%—get legally “free” of him, and it CAN be done with him out of the country.
In Arkansas (where I live) I know that you can “serve” a person whose address is unknown for divorce by PUBLISHING an ad in the newspaper of the town of the last known address. They have like 90 days to answer, if they don’t then you can go ahead and divorce them legally. I think many states are like this, because otherwise you couldn’t ever get a divorce from someone who “disappeared” and that you couldn’t “serve” papers on.
In Texas, where I used to live, you can serve someone by mail to their last known address, not even certified. So I totally agree that you should consult with an attorney to find out WHAT YOUR RIGHTS ARE. Here is another thing to think about too, as your “legal husband” if something happened to you, he would have claims against your estate. If you were (God forbid) head injured and unable to decide what care you got, or in a coma, HE would be the one to make those decisions as your legal NEXT OF KIN. Look what Claus von Buelo (spelling?) did to his wife, he put her into a coma with insulin, trying to kill her, and HE WAS THE ONE IN CONTROL, I think he eventually got what he deserved, but look at the pain he inflicted on her family, not to say on her by making her brain dead.
There was a case here in my state where a physician’s wife (he was having a flaming affair at the time) went to the hospital and he visited her, then shortly after he left the room, she died. Autopsy proved she died of high insulin, and she was NOT a diabetic—but he walked and married his GF—I can’t say he killed her, but it looked suspicious to me, and the law did nothing, as he was very influential in his area. Maybe they couldn’t prove it either. I don’t know. But being paranoid about what Ps can and will do, I would not want to take a chance at all. Please get some legal advice to know what your rights and risks are. Whatever it costs, it will I think be worth it.
My P son tried to have me killed when he found out that the family assets had been put into a trust, and that if my mother died before me, that he would have NOTHING. The utter GREED of these Ps is not to be underestimated in any way, shape or form. They will DO anything to get what they want.
free and peggy;thanks for your reply and i understand all too well and i agree that the sexual side of mine was great in the begining and in the end he used it to punish me with, he used me up so bad and left me all alone this was when we had already broke up and i think he was trying to make me see what i was missing or something or just punishing me for not being who he wanted. it is painful and dangerous cause i am sure he was sleeping with othr s at the time and not telling me after we had a n agreement we would tell each other if we had been with anyone else. free; on your divorce here is another thing i experienced as well my ex husband who was before the last s pa n i also think now was s and alco holic. when we split up i knew nothing of s pa ns so totally oblivious to it. well we didnt rush the divorce either and i thought like you the pain he put me thru why should i pay for it, also i was stuggling financilly and couldnt affor d lawyers. so the years went on and we did not divorce and we did not stayin contact which was fine by me he was a busive as well during the marriage. then years alter everyone was telling me get divorced get rid of him i wasnt in a re marry situation so i didnt worry . then out of the blue i get this call from him telling me his father died, and he wants a divorce and hes met someone else hes thinking of remarrying which i dont believe a bit of it he is till the same drinking heavily i dont think marriage would be on his mind i know him too well i also think he inherited money on his fathers death although he did not tell me this i knew his fathr had money, my ex was hopeless with money all the time and couldnt organise anything the whole time i knew him. anyway i told him sure lets get divorce it a aobut time i told him what he had to do how exactly to do it and i would be happy to pay half. well i waited a nd waited and nothing happened. i was so angry i knew he had ulterior motive he wasnt in a hurry to re marry thi s other girl he maybe just didnt want me to get hands on any of his fathrs money which i would have no interest in anyway. true to him self he did not start proceeding with the divorce . so me struggling financially i got the papers and filed divorce on him and did the whole thing my self it wasnt easy as i could not afford a lawyer and did all the legal work my self all the paper work my self ect i have no legal experience and had no one to advice me really just the normal womans help centers. i also had to pay for the whole thing which was har d a s i wasnt entitled to any help from government depts i was earning too much which really isnt much at all but not enough to get help. i told him over the phone to send me a cheque for his half and it never came i was p ed off as u can imagine. my dear parents helped me pay for it. it ws an effort and took a lot of time and research but i did it all by my self i was proud actually in the end. and you know tru s path style when it was all over he rang me to say thank you for doing it no money no mention of any money to pay at all. i did not bother to argue about the money i just was gald to be rid of him and it gave me closure of the past. while i was doing this divorce procedure i also had my last s path sh t to deal with as i was getting over it too . so last year was not a good year really. but i am glad i did it just to show him he cant do anything right i proved it. he wanted it but didnt want to do the work i had to as always with s paths. i will say the womans help legal centrs were a big help here in my country australia and even though could not afford legal help they made a difference. this is just my story and everyone is different and has different priorities. also i thought maybe if i do this it might be a door closeing and open up new doors for me in a symbolic way. i also remember a physcic told me once when i end it totally with my ex husband i would meet some one who would be my life partner so i had that in the back of my mind too you never know, she got the age right, maybe him asking for the divirce was the universe giving me a sign. i have just met someone too but dont know how thing sare going to turn out yet its early days. but i am glad i am moveing on. the last s path still haunts me we live close by each other which doesnt help, dreading bumping into him with the new victim. would prefer to flaunt my new friend in front of him for once. sweet revenge i shouldnt be like that though its nice to dream and imagine th look on his face. thanks again to you all.
Dear Free,
I was so distraught by the “chaos” of dealing with my Ps” (all of them) from my P-bio father, my P-son,, my P-X-BF, etc. etc that I didn’t think through all the legal aspects of a lot of things, and I would get “side tracked” by minor things and NOT even see the really IMPORTANT things that needed to be taken care of.
To me the chaos and “confusions” or the “crazies” of it all keep a person’s mind in such a whirling state that it is difficult to focus on the obvious—at least it was for me.
I have been fortunate that my son D has stepped up to the plate and has kept his head a lot better sometimes than I have, though he too was physically in danger and threatened by his P-brother who hated him. My son C was “in the FOG” for a while due to his P-wife being involved in the situation as well, but fortunately he is back on-line too and doing I think much much better at all this than I have been.
I made some financial decisions during all the chaos that could have cost me dearly, and did cost me some significant losses, but I am just grateful I didn’t miss some “little thing” that could have been a total disaster.
I did redo my durable power of attorney (these are “standard” things that you can get a copy off either off the internet or in an easily obtainable book) and also my will, to make sure that MY wishes were carried out about my “stuff” and the POA let my son D make all decisions about my medical care in the event that I was incapacitated or ill. He knows what I want and I trust him completely to follow my wishes.
I also put my son D on all my checking accounts of that he could take care of bills etc. in the event of my incapacitation.
I did try to cover all the bases financially and legally. Thank goodness for that! Fortunately nothing happened that I needed those things, but they are like “fire extinguishers”—you only need them in an emergency, but if you need them and they aren’t there, you are in a WORLD OF HURT. LOL
It is difficult to anticipate every problem that could come up, but a general plan for what you want and who you can truly trust to do those things for you if you are not able to do them for yourself is important. I am fortunate to have good friends to advise son D if he needed advice or help, and that was comforting too.
The frantic confusion and stress level that can be elicited by the Ps can cause all kinds of oversights. The main thing is to take care of yourself and put yourself in such a position that they cannot hurt you or get what you have. It isn’t unjustified to be “paranoid” about them. LOL “just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean a P is not out to get you” LOL
Free,
I am so glad that you have decided to seek advice. I know legal advice is so costly, but sometimes NOT getting it is more costly in the long run.
The STUPID thing I did, was when I got so angry at my P-son, and I was “telling him off” I told him the provisions of our family trust and that he was also OUT of my will.
That was when he started the “plot” to have me killed. WHY did I have to go and do that? I was so angry at him that I wanted to say something to him that would make him feel BAD—like they can?! I spouted off at the mouth and I should have kept it TIGHT shut. I let my anger at him hit the ON switch to my mouth and the OFF switch to my brain.
Right now we are still dealing with the X-daughter-in-law, who got “in on” the plot by having an affair with the Trojan-Horse P that my son sent to infiltrate the family and then trying to kill her husband, my son C. (she stole $24,000 from my mother by getting my mother to put it in her name “in trust” but of course without the “in trust” on the account, a “minor oversight” of course, but let her take the money out of the account on her signature alone—and if she hadn’t decided to kill my son and had just taken a hike she would have been off scot FREE with the money with NO legal repercussions at all.
Now, she is trying to help her BF (who is for the moment still in prison) get possession and title to the vehicle he bought with a “loan”my mother gave him—of course, another little oversight, the title was registered without a lien on it, so we will now have to prove FRAUD in court…and of course the DIL is lying through her teeth (she is the one who also persuaded my mom to put all her legal papers into DIL’s lock box, and DIL tore up the loan agreement)
THEY NEVER stop looking for loop holes in the law—I actually hope that she does come to court and perjure herself as that will bush her probation and put her butt in prison.
We are having to “connive” just like her to be “ready” for her antics—but since I am actually not emotionally involved with this witch (I never liked her from the get go, I knew she was deceptive, just not the EXTENT of it) and there are some other cool heads in the situation (my sons) we are putting our heads together to anticipate what evil plots she and her BF are planning. LOL
My son D is playing the “good cop” and I and my son (her X) are the “bad cops” and believe it or not she is falling for it, and has agreed to file jointly with my son on taxes (which is actually advantageous to them both) but she told son D that she would really like NOT to do so “to punish” my son C, her X—now, let’s see–punish who for what? SHE stole $24,000 from his grandmother, SHE bought a gun for her BF and tried to kill her husband, and SHE had the affair, and SHE tore up the loan agreement between her GM-IL and her BF, ….etc etc. and SHE wants to PUNISH her x-husband? LOL I swear there is no way you can underestimate the depths to which they will plot and scheme—fortunately, my X-DIL is not nearly as smart as she thinks she is and we are playing our cards close to the chest this time. Since she has to sign the tax forms before April 15, and the court hearing is the 16th, we aren’t going to spring the perjury info on her until the last minute after the forms are signed and mailed and she will not have time to consult with her BF, so I have no doubt that she will be scared to death of going back to jail/prison so will be more vulnerable to our pressure not to lie.
This was her first time in jail and I think though Ps don’t generally learn from punishment, she is a bit anxious about all this and doesn’t want to go back. Her entire family (all sibs) disowned her over this episode, including her daughter (her only surviving child) and she is literally homeless and penniless (living with a friend now, and doing clean up around the woman’s house for a place to stay) No car, no job, no other friends or family for support only her P-BF who is in prison. I can’t say I am sorry that she is in this uncomfortable position either—she earned it, and Karma sucks.
The best thing about her continued manipulation and trying to “pull a fast one” with the legal loop holes in the vehicle title, is that the more of this kind of stuff she does, the more easily my son C is able to see that she has nothing but malice for him. He has gone though all the things that we all have, trying to believe that they DID love us, make excuses for them, etc. but he is doing remarkably well now, in that I think some of the things I have told him about Ps in general, and how his x wife fits the profile, have finally sunk in as she does more and more nasty stuff. (she has of course written letters of apology and remorse, but with them out of her “mouth” and her behavior continuing to be malicious it is easier for him to see the TRUTH–they tell nothing but lies!)
My son C has come to this site and read, though he has not posted here, and to other sites to read as well.
I was talking to C son on the phone the other night and son D said, You know, Mom, I was listening to the conversation you and C were having and I was so glad to hear it, you were actually CONVERSING about Ps, not just you lecturing to him about the signs and symptoms of the disorder—HE IS GETTING IT! He wants to know more. Knowledge is power. It is only when we truly realize what we have been dealing with, and OUR part in allowing it to go on, that we can learn enough not only to heal this time, but to AVOID ANOTHER P IN THE FUTURE.
If we don’t know “what hit us” how can we avoid repeating the same mistakes? How many of us here have dealt with 1, 2, 3, 4 Ps in our lives? I realize not all of them were people I “met” and let con me, one was my bio-father and the other one my son, but the rest were “strangers” that I let into my life—and allowed to stay there WAAAAAY too long.
What is it about ME that made me allow them that close? And to stay that long? That’s what I need to change about ME. Unless I can do that, I will be a victim again. And I sure as heck don’t want that!
Once you recognize that they are a P–as little information as you can let them have about anything about you, the better. Don’t tell anyone anything that you suspect might get back to them in any way. Hang on Free, you have come a long way. You are well on the road! (((hugs))))
free; i know mine too had that trust me im good voice on the phone too its a whole other tone and everything when he wants me for something. he doesnt call me anymore hes busy with the new victim so i m glad i dont have too deal with it anymore. i was like you too i beilieved him anything he said now i dont believe anything he tells me once a lie breaks your heart thats it very hard to believe someone who does that. thanks to you all for sharing its helps me, i hope my blogs however sometimes long help someone out there too. …
free; wow the hypnosis thing sounds really scary. mine put on the theatrics too when he left. i used to fee sorry for mine too but then he stopped showing me his emotions and became cols and emotionles towards me this was i think all punishment for me. has yours found a new victim? mine has just found one and now he leaves me alone pretty much which i am gald no more lies or trying to use me for sex. its funny i think he thinks that he will be having a great relationship with the new girl like i am the one with the problems not him. he thinks every new one is going to be the right one that will work out he truely believes this. theonly shame aobut not bein gin touch is that i ownt be able to know when this one has failed for him too and she finds out something, or everything.its almost wor th keeping tabs on him to see that. i kept writing things in my diary when i was with him and after too and i read it over and it is great to see all the things he was doing and the time frames and so on i ma so glad i wrote things in there. i never did this in any other relationship i guess when strange things started to happen something told to me to start writing things down. in regads to your cold sweat sometimes if i was calling him and thought there might a confrontaion or something bad i could feel my chest pounding like pulpatations this scared me and it happened several times mostly after we broke up. once these gys are crossed or found out they want revenge big time and i think he has done a lot of things to pay me back for finding out stuff and also he thinks i lies to him about somethingand has never frovien me they can not forgive i odnt hink for anything they say they do but i dont believe they do. thank again…….
peggynotpeggy: (smile)
Owe you a longer letter once the turkey is stuffed and in the oven. Hope you’re all having a great Easter. Mine isn’t for about five more weeks, but it’s family dinner day.
Anyway, this:
“I am certain there are good men out there, just like there are good women. I still, in my heart, believe wholeheartedly that people are intrinsically good. Mr. S hasn’t taken that from me!”
Well, Mr. S did somewhat take that from me. I can isolate his actions and self because he is outright noticeably weird and everyone else comments on it, too. But the red flags that came with him go up with other people…even the new guy had a few.
Will say that the new guy was breathtakingly direct, though, in explaining his feelings on things, talking in general. That was SOOO refreshing. Plus, he was interesting and interested in the world around him – also unlike the P. He also complimented me all the time on all sorts of things, from looks to brains to personality. But he was a selfish person in many other ways. Sweet, well-intentioned, non-malicious and open, but still a bit of a bad boy.
I subscribe to the theory that each of these dating experiences and our ability to say “no – I will not accept that or this action” helps us climb to a place where we find the right partner. For me, saying “no” was the hardest part of a relationship, since the family of origin acted as though I was voiceless. So the more I exercise that right to find other people’s treatment unacceptable when they’re disrespectful, the more I’m respecting my own wants and needs.
But the Universe does have its own twisted sense of humor: As I drove through town yesterday from my parents, I nearly pulled out in traffic right before I saw a car headed fast towards me. Guess who it was? The P, his 54-year-old head full of spiked, 1980’s Flock of Seagulls, eternal youth Peter Pan hair!!
My first thought: ridiculous, a man his age going around with 80’s hair.
My second thought: 5 second delay at my parents’ house, the mere act of turning to go the usual way home from their driveway rather than some weird last-minute decision to turn the other way, and I’d not have seen him for the first time in nearly four months. I avoid the part of his city where he lives.
Wondering again what God is trying to show me…or if He just needed a little laugh up in the clouds.
Free,
Your mentioning forgetting pin numbers, how to get to some one’s house, etc.
Those are all signs of STRESS. After my husband’s death (accidental) I was going to a CLOSE friend’s house that I had been to 1000s of times and I couldn’t find her house.
If someone gave me a phone number, I could not write it down. I had to have them give it to me ONE NUMBER AT A TIME. When time came to punch it into the phone, I had to do it one number at a time. I couldn’t even remember 2 numbers in a row.
I used to do a parlor trick—if you would give me 100 numbers (verbally) about 1 number a second, I could repeat them to you, backwards, forwards, skip every other one, etc. and keep them in short term memory until the “trick” was over. Even now, almost 4 years later, I still have difficulty keeping an entire phone number in my head long enough to dial it.
I have always been able to depend on great short and long term memory, now I have great “gaps” in my memory, and sometimes events will happen that I just plain don’t remember at all. If you and I had a conversation, I could remember it almost 100% word for word, even weeks later.
I would watch movies and a week later watch it again and not remember I had watched it until someone in the family said, “Oh, yea, we watched that last Thursday together.”
I had difficulty reading, I couldn’t keep the first part of a sentence or thought in my head when I read the second part. That lasted for quite some time, but is better now, not perfect recall by any means, but better.
It was almost like everyone I knew was “gaslighting” me and I questioned my own sanity. My psychiatrist told me that what I was experiencing was “normal” and that it would pass.
Well, it has gotten better, and I have had CT scans and PET scans of my brain and there is nothing like a stroke there etc. and my therapist gave me an IQ test and I scored where I have always scored yet my memory is still WAY not what it was.
I’ve had to learn to cope by writing down numbers, passwords, making sure I don’t lose my cell phone and car keys, making lists of everything.
The stress from all the repeated “trauma,” and hope being REPEATEDLY shattered–continually grabbing at the brass ring and instead getting an electric shock–has a cumulative effect that is so much more “traumatic” than a regular “crisis” of ANY kind. I think that is one reason other people without the same experience with a P have difficulty comprehending that our experience is “worse” than a “normal” break up.
Orphan, I am SO glad to see that you can LAUGH at his hair do now, and see the ridiculousness of it! Great step in healing!
Thanks, OxD! Being me, I felt guilty for having such a “malicious” thought. Sometimes it seems all our problems can be traced to how we were raised or our sensitivity levels. Hate making fun of someone for something shallow, like hair – but for me, his “Flock of Seagulls” hair was just A SYMBOL of his stunted growth as a human being and inability to ever really change. That he thinks it’s somehow “cool” to try and look 30 when, in reality, he’s nearly eligible for a senior citizens discount speaks volumes about his mentality.
The anger, though…scares me. Anger that he’s driving around in MY city. Anger that he’s already on to his next (or, rather, I suspect another “recycled” victim who he said bad things about to me). Anger that his lacking heart allows him to just move on along while I am still emotionally somewhat mired in pain and confusion.
In my life, I have hated only two people: one, an abusive family member and the other, a horrid MIL. No matter what people did I always eventually forgave and forgot. Thought I was there at the point of forgiving him – even posted that a day or so ago, on here – and realize it’s not so. That I truly hate him.
Your memory loss…that’s pretty common. Experienced it myself. Did you read in other places about dealing with P’s and n’s that it has a physiological effect on short-term memory? The chemicals that are released in our bodies from the PTSD?
Read that somewhere. Will look and see if I can find a link for you.
Hi Ladies:
I haven’t had problems with numbers but difficulty searching for that “word” … also having difficulty with anxiety and procrastination (focusing on job, haven’t done taxes, etc.)
LilOrphan:
I think the anger is normal, as long as you don’t act upon it. I actually believe it’s part of the healing process, i.e., separation. Music has helped me tremendously, I have listened to songs which wouldn’t normally be musical forte, but I can totally relate to the lyrics and they have empowered me (maybe google the lyrics, I didn’t put them here in case of copyright infringement). I am attaching three of links for you. Have fun listening, I could totally relate to these, and listened to them repeatedly.
I’m Not Your Doctor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUdc7ytwE1Y&feature=related
Idiot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClFHg0gH1Cc
Over You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQa1y4AoHZs
I don’t listen to these much now, but they made me laugh and feel better about myself when I did. Hope this helps! I have some others I can send you, if you’re interested. Happy Easter!
Peggy Pseu