As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Peggy,
Donna earlier wrote a post about this titled, “Is there any constructive, legal action to take?” Toward the bottom there is a paragraph headed, “Exposing the Sociopath” and another called, “What should you do.” Read the post because her advice is, as always, very good and very accurate. I considered carefully everything she highlighted.
This day anyone can sue for just about anything. It doesn’t mean they will or that if they do they will win. It was right for me, and I am as prepared for anything as I can be. I did not contact any of the other women, but I did feel I had an obligation to expose his behavior in warning so I posted on the exposure sites and I wrote a blog once I had myself and my assets as protected as possible.
I used his name and I was honest. Truth is an absolute defense, but there are no guarantees. When it was my opinion, I said so and gave supporting examples. When it was verifiable fact, I stated my verification. I didn’t directly accuse him of specific pathology, I just gave examples of his behavior, and referred readers to this site for additional insight, as I am not a licensed professional and he is undiagnosed. He was also part of a legal investigation that I received a subpoena for information about and he was charged with fraud, and since that is public information and information that potential targets should know, I also included that in my blog.
His first threat I received long before I found this site was, “Vengeance is best when it’s served up cold.” Ironic because Donna used the same quote in her post I referred to above, but to say that though it took her five years, she was successful in exposing her ex-husband. I will keep my eyes open for a some time to come but will not be intimated when doing what I believe is right. Peggy, I hope this information helps as you decide what is best for you.
I could only dream how things might have turned out if someone woudl’ve warned me. When we first started sleeping together he told me that there were alot of people that were jealous of him and his family and they liked to try to cause problems for him and for me to be prepared. I remember thinking what are you talking about? He said it like it was mostly men. So, I never even thought anything else about it.
If everyone who knew even one of his little secrets would’ve told me it would’ve saved my children & I a ton of heartache.
No matter how crazy you might seem or sound warn somebody, tell them something. ANYTHING……
If you don’t your enabling him to continue his path of destruction.
While admittedly painful, exposure to the P’s really does challenge our thinking and accepted, assumed beliefs about ourselves. It also changes the direction of our lives, frequently.
I can literally recall literally nearly to the day my intuition “shut off” with the P; exactly when I let my emotions take over. When I relaxed and utterly trusted him, if only for a moment, my objectivity and ability to spot the red flags just flat-lined.
The past few weeks I’ve been thinking that, as much as I convinced myself I wanted a partner in 2006, and to marry again, the reality proven by the experience with the P was that I wasn’t really READY for all that. Sharing space, cohabitation with someone other than one of my girls, even spending huge amounts of time with someone else was an unsettling proposition.
What I was really wanting, I think, was for someone to come along and make sense of the loss of my parents, to help navigate through these new changes and difficulties I’m facing. At the very least, I wanted someone to lean upon a bit.
Yet part of me would really like to marry again. Am looking now at the time with the P as a blueprint for where I need serious work on myself in order to become ready to be a real partner and open my life and self fully to the RIGHT man who genuinely wants the same things.
Not all days are quite this good, but I think if we just hang-on to the mindset that focuses more on what we can do with what we’ve discovered, rather than what was done to us, we’re going to all pull through this as much stronger, much wiser women (and men).
AFFLICTION,
Warning the other person that the Ps are targeting has various levels of success. If they are already in the FOG, they won’t listen because the P has set them up that you are just a disgruntled X trying to smear him, he will tell them you are crazy and going to call them and tell them all kinds of lies.
Warning others sometimes is something that is successful, but many times they wont believe you at all. Just depends on the situation. I have been warned before about Ps I was doing business with, or even one P that I went to work for, but didn’t listen at all….I wish I had….I warned my mother, and she didn’t believe a word of what I said, even with documented proof of criminal records. They had already convinced her with their smear campaign that I was the one “after her money” and that they were going to “save her from me”—it was only after their ARRESTS for attempting to kill my son C that she saw that they were “not nice”—LOL
I often think too about when I was 20 I was dating my first “hard crush” and after about a year I found out he was bi-sexual. I ran crying to my closest male friend for consolation and he said “Yea, I knew” and I screamed at him “Why didn’t you TELL ME?!” He looked at me and said “Would you have believed me?” I realized that, NO, I WOULD NOT HAVE BELIEVED HIM. He was a wise friend.
Last year a friend of mine married a P, and I tried to warn her before she began dating him “seriously” and her BEST friend also tried to warn her, but she was so “needy” and he was so “caring” that she married him anyway, with RED FLAGS waving all over the place, and her turning a blind eye to them. (She was his 4th wife and he had been married to #3 when he started courting her) After I saw that she was going to date him “seriously” I just shut up, because to keep on “warning” her when she wasn’t wanting to listen would only alienate her from me. I will be there when her house of cards comes tumbling down, though, because I do love her.
Her first husband, the father of her children, was also a P, and abused her emotionally, physically, and finally left her for her best friend at the time. My friend is a sweet, caring, wonderful woman, and has no guile in her heart, and won’t face the fact that there ARE people in the world who are EVIL.
I can speak from experience that warning someone about the S, is almost pointless….especially if they have already “fallen” for him; it happened to me.
I had been single for more than 4 years…went on dates, here and there, but nothing serious…and I liked it that way. I hadn’t found anybody that I clicked with, so most of the time, I just couldn’t be bothered with all the nonsense and time dating involved.
One day, my sister, who was having her kitchen renovated, told me about this guy, the project manager, that she thought was “such a NICE and GOOD guy”…. “he’s gone through a lot of shit in his life, poor guy….and he’s such a NICE, NICE GUY”. She told me that I should meet him and she also told him about me….her single sister. He was interested in meeting me….VERY INTERESTED, in fact, that his exact response to “when do you want to meet her” was “YESTERDAY”.
As we all know, I was blown away by his charm, his wit, his intellect….these guys are wordsmiths!!! I was surprised and actually “scared” on how this guy had awakened such emotions from me…..so quickly. Don’t forget, I was single for four years….without a problem about it AT ALL…..so WHAT THE F&$@.......% was happening to me?!?!?
Fast forward two months, we returned from a trip that we had taken together….more in love than I could ever imagined possible….to a very confidential message on my cell phone from my sister. In the message she told me that his Ex-girlfriend had contacted her, while we were away, and told her what type of person he was…..and to “GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE NOW!!!!” and “HE IS A SOCIOPATH”……
Yes, these WERE the EXACT words! SOCIOPATH.
But, did I listen? NO!!! Like so many women, I believed that this was a disgruntled Ex….that my sister was being a drama queen again…..that the Ex just wanted to destroy him because HE had broken up with her, and this, because “SHE has MENTAL PROBLEMS…..She’s a psycho” …..
I took his side …. defended him …. asked everyone to leave me alone to “see/find out for myself”.
Little did I know the HUGE TANGLED WEB that my next 2 years and 10 months would entail…..NEVER would I have imagined that I would EVER accept/allow such abuse from ANYONE…..let alone from a man that claimed to love me “more than his own life”.
It is Day 21 for me of NC and I must admit that while most days are GREAT….some days are dreadful. So many questions/thoughts about the “why,how,what, where, when, etc” that it is hard to function properly sometimes….let alone sleep.
Yesterday was tough because he had written me 4 emails, insisting that he call me….he had already been told that I didn’t want to see him or talk to him EVER again. Regardless of my wishes (surprise, surprise), he decides that he is going to call me, at home, at work, on the cell….over and over and over again (at least 50 times), until I would pick up and speak to him. I didn’t pick up the phone….NO F&%$#en way!!!! I SAID NO …. AND NO MEANS NO!!!!
NO MORE ABUSE, NO MORE INSANITY, NO MORE LIES, NO MORE WASTED LOVE/TIME, NO MORE BULLSHIT
and
NO MORE PUTTING MYSELF LAST.
I MATTER and I WANT MORE FOR ME and MY LIFE.
Today, he hasn’t emailed at all or tried to call…..NC is working like a charm…..which is really the ONLY WAY with these morons!
vmpatricia,
I think warning others is okay but you have to be prepared that they won’t listen. I think the person LEAST likely to listen is someone already drawn into the trap.
I had some success warning other women via Craigslist but BM was posting ads that were obviously a little off. Several women responded to my warnings by saying they already had a “sense” that something wasn’t right. I hand selected women who posted ads and contacted the ones I thought he would try. I knew he would go for any woman that sounded spiritual… and yet open… think new age spiritual… SEX. I was right every time. And his postings were so prolific that they were almost always aware of his ads even if he hadn’t contacted them.. YET.
I think one thing that makes it hard for the next victim to listen is that they don’t want to hear about your drama. And it is ALWAYS a dramatic story which sounds quite unbelieveable. The approach I would use is something like this. I would say, “Sometimes things seems too good to be true. Pay attention to your instincts and if you start feeling like something is a little off or that you might be being lied to, do some research on personality disorders. It’s always a bad sign when someone has excuses all the time and everything seems to be your fault. Good luck to you.”
Or you could say, “How much do you know about the patterns in abusive relationships? you might want to do some research on the Internet about personality disorders and con men. Good luck to you.”
See how that isn’t an attack on the man. And there’s no drama but you are planting a seed.
Of course, never compromise your own safety to warn someone. This is tough issue, isn’t it?
Free,
You are reminding me of someone I tried to warn early on and she didn’t believe me. It was a sickening feeling. I agree that maybe when it’s really fresh, that might not be a good time to try to warn others. For some reason, we all have our lessons to learn and a time to learn them.
What’s funny to me is that I have had break ups before and even felt like someone treated me bad but never to the extent that I felt I should “warn” someone. I am going to remember this… if anyone ever feels compelled to warn me about a man, I will listen.
:o)
Having been both a warn-er and a warn-ee, neither of them worked. I didn’t succeed in warning and convincing others about the Ps, and I didn’t listen when I was warned. So it is a O% at bat both ways. LOL
I do agree though as the warn-er, it is really painful to be in-validated and “dis’ed” by the one you are trying to warn not believing you, and especially if they put “motives” to your intentions to warn them…It hurts. But in a way I think it was good for me, as it was only after I finally gave up trying to “save” my mother from the Ps and started to SAVE MYSELF.
Free,
you are 100% right I think. So many times our “injuries” are “invisible” and because people can’t see a “black eye or a broken leg” as visible proof that we have been injured, they tend to discount it.
Only after my Ps were arrested this last year, and I got some PUBLIC VALIDATION, did I really start to heal. The lack of validation was profoundly painful. With my X-BF-P I got SOME validation from his X wife and a former girlfriend but the old “there are two sides to every story” bit that we are taught seems to make people take what you tell them with a grain (or a pound) of salt! Well, there may be two sides to every story, but that doesn’t mean that they are equally VALID.
Lack of validation of our injuries which “don’t show” is just an additional stress and pain for us after the devestation of the P.
I, like you, have reestablished a close and loving relationship with my son C who was married to the P-DIL and FOGGED by her and his “friend” the Trojan-Horse P who was screwing his wife, and by his P-brother. If NOTHING good except that has come out of this whole chaotic and painful mess, that would have made the entire thing WORTH IT–100 X over!!!!!
He and my adopted son D have also made their relationship even closer, so that is another side benefit of it all. I also think both of these men will be “wiser” in the future about looking for RED FLAGS in anyone they are considering marrying or even dating.
I wonder if someone had tried to warn me if I would have listened. The ex and I were acquaintances back in college some 15 years ago, so I *thought* I knew him.
That combined with the fact that he had lived most of those 15 years in another state just up until the time he ‘reconnected’ with me through classmates.com. Pretty much anyone who could possibly have had enough experience with him to know he was toxic would probably all have lived in his previous state; I would have had no idea who they were, if they were stable, vindictive vs. a stable, honest person. Although NOW I think – any warning should be at least considered and never dismissed!! If for nothing else than to KEEP YOUR EYES and MIND OPEN to the possibility that they may be right.
The two he thought were the highest threat for warning me were his two ex wives – and he had already convinced me that they were ‘nutty’ and ‘vindictive’ – just as he convinced wife #3 that I was ‘nutty’, ‘vindictive’ and ‘jealous’ about me in the event that I tried to contact her – when I did, that’s exactly how she described me!
They are very convincing. I felt an overwhelming need to warn wife #3. I did it, and it backfired. Felt like crap *knowing* someone who does not know me at all or my history, BELIEVES that I am the one unstable – I mean compare my and the ex’s history side by side and there is NO comparison!! I am anything but unstable – though there was a period of time during and a few months after the D&D when I questioned my own sanity and FELT unstable, lol – the D&D totally side-swiped me; the reality I thought was TRUE was anything but… that is hard to swallow, believe, conceptualize, wrap your head around, etc…
So I don’t know the right or wrong answer re: telling the OW. I think it depends on alot of things – whether she is co-dependent and overly trusting vs. someone cautious. Had to keep reminding myself with wife # 3 that she was in the honeymoon phase where he is absolutely wonderful – exactly where I had been only 5 short months before… and I really don’t know if I would have believed if someone warned me. We had history; I thought I knew him as well as I know myself.
oh, and also – my ex had ED too. He just made 40. New wife #3 is 27. He takes Viagra, which works for him… although I do know heart disease runs in his family… so if he starts developing heart symptoms = bye bye Viagra and any other meds. like it. I am noticing this seems to be a commonality.
What a great study that would be – if ED and Sociopathy / Psychopathy have a high correlation. How about it Docs??? 🙂
loux