As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Free: Your statements about Canada had me laughing; that’s where my socio ended up! I will eventually move past my distaste for the country, too, but it’s the same thing–it comes up all the time!
Of course, Canada is a good place for him because the new woman has the full-time job so that he can cat around on her while she’s at work; when describing her, he said that she works hard and cooks well and is very similar to his sister-in-law (who probably also does not see the things her husband is doing to her). There’s also potential access for him to free health care. And he’s in an ethnic community that condones the affairs he will have on her–he actually was cheating on her within days of the start of their relationship.
I’m just glad he’s out of the country and hope he never comes back!
Free: Your statements about Canada had me laughing; that’s where my socio ended up! I will eventually move past my distaste for the country, too, but it’s the same thing”“it comes up all the time!
Of course, Canada is a good place for him because the new woman has the full-time job so that he can cat around on her while she’s at work; when describing her, he said that she works hard and cooks well and is very similar to his sister-in-law (who probably also does not see the things her husband is doing to her). There’s also potential access for him to free health care. And he’s in an ethnic community that condones the affairs he will have on her”“he actually was cheating on her within days of the start of their relationship.
I’m just glad he’s out of the country and hope he never comes back!
bev; mine to craved affection and in the begining i saw real wanting to bein love and love wethr or not cpable. but when we broke up he totally acted like i never saw or experienced that side of him like it never happened, which really hurt me in fact and how strange someone could even act like it never happened when at the time it was so deep and profound for him and me. he aslo left little hints in the begining he told me he only like strong woman, and he was always saying his ex was a liar and did him wrong and that he now ignores her atempts to be friends and stay in contact. he also said t me once he was strong, yes he was but not in the good way we might say that he meant he was cold and could do anything and not get upset or emtional about it. only i did not know this is what he meant. he also told me his ex gave him no closure andhow hard it ws to accpet her leaving without an explanation, then in the end he did exactly that to me noe closure no explanation i knew his reason he no longer saw me as perfect in a certain way for him not appropriate , but he never would say the words to give me a reason to get over it and accept it no closure is damagin and he knew it thats why he gave me none. when i asked him he even said he told me already and iwas like no you didnt, he never told me. he didnt give me many hints as to what was wrong with him he did say no one ever loved him even his family life was not normal, and he felt unloved by his parents i think but he nevr said it not in those words to me. but he craved my affection and he craved female attention too i noticed this where we worked, he was too familiar as they say. ox drover; i have a university degree in the school of hard knocks by now , but at the moment its funny i am seeing reading and hearing little messages in things, songs speake to me about what is going on in my life, and today i read my stars signs and it said you are a carer but you need to look at what you care for, how funny at this time to read that, and just other little subtle things reminding me whats going on and what i know i need to do . feel like i am getting a little bit of my strength back……..
Jules Mine said he only liked strong women too! He also said his ex was a mad b….h, mind you he was accused of an event that would drive any woman mad. They crave attention to ensure their Narcissistic Supply. But I became not worth the effort for him (they are lazy) and he dropped me just like yours did. I think we compared notes before, cos mine walked out giving me no explanation or closure. In fact I had and am still having a tremendous amount of worry about whether I caught something from him. I had STD tests which were clear and post t.stress in the middle of the menopause. Then I found out I had breast cancer and my doctor says that I should not be feeling unwell, so I am going back to my doctor for yet more tests. I have had blood tests already. He pretended to be a faithful honourable man, who was infact a high risk partner and goodness only knows what he was doing and whether his hints were fact or bluff. He also told me that he was cold hearted but didnt share alot else.
All I know is that I was in good health and had peace of mind before I met him. He was so toxic, he has left me with various health problems, one major and various others, one of which I am still trying to get to the bottom of. I have never known such worry. I have had time off work, spent money on medicines etc and he has cost me money in other ways. I just thank God, the day I threw him out of my life, but I should have done it way sooner.
people tried to tell me but i never listened. it was like my mind was blocked and refused to hear them.
one issue was my mom would tell me, but i would dismiss her as negative and paranoid. and i think i partly rebelled against her disaproval and ran into the arms of the socio/narc. but that doesn’t really explain why my brain was so willing to believe such dumb lies. i think i wanted to feel accepted, and i was needy and desperate, and having a difficult time. i really just didn’t know what i was doing before i went and got help.
bev and genny rab; beverly i am sorry you are not well, and i know about the worry i even worry what all this stress does to my health, and i to thank god hes gone but i know he isdoing this to someone else some othr poor girl. i dont feel sick , but i am working so hard to keep a roof over my head and keep things going its taking its toll as i get older i can feel it. i think also all the stress he put on me has aged me someone said that stress and emotional trauma are the worst for aging you and your health. in fact the worse treatment he gave me was when it was over and we tried to be friends he was horrible to me used me for sex and im sure he was with othr woman too just his treatment of me awful. i was thinking about it and you know he always has a woman either casual or trying toget into a relationship i never know him to just be alone even a short while. genny; its funny you say your mother warned you when i first met my ex s path he was a lot younger than me my father said your desperate, and i laughed at him now i know i wish i listened to him so much. beverley, i hope you feel better soon i am thinking of you these days, try to be positive and heal your mind and body only think about those who love you truely love you and you them, dont even let them the s path enter your thoughts . i am trying to do this. just think they are going to fail at life and we will thrive cause we are good people. thank you .
I can only describe the ex Narcissist I was involved with as a toxic devil. Ever since I booted him out last August, I have had numerous worries about my health and the worry just doesnt stop. I am going to ask my doctor for an HIV test, as I am sure he has infected me with something else. I would say to people who are thinking of going back to partners who you have had a break up with, that there is no guarantee that they have not had a sexual contact with other people (groupsex and men included). They have poor impulse control and no regard for other peoples’ wellbeing and my ex was not bothered about not using protection. I would also say that they are a risk whatever the stage in the relationship. I dropped him as soon as I had evidence that he was cheating, and I am sure that he would justify things by saying that his cheating took place during the short breaks we had. But each time we got back together I asked him if he had slept with another person and he answered NO. They are not to be trusted under any circumstances.
I stupidly trusted and believed what he said to me. He said he was a blood donor, and there were various other ‘filters’ he may have used to show that he was legitimate or to lie to me. I only hope and pray that whatever he got up to, he made some calculated choices. He was the most devious man I have ever known, and yet he sucked me in and constantly was affronted when I questioned him with ‘Well, dont you trust me then?’. My answer now is NO, I dont trust anything he said or did, it was all pretense and has been a living nightmare for me, which I wouldnt wish on anyone (except him).
Thank you Jules for your good wishes. I worry that I have had not only when with him, but since he left has been such a burden and has changed the quality of my life. I am having a particularly anxiety ridden day today as apart from the breast cancer (start radiotherapy in May), I still think I have another underlying infection which I am trying to have investigated. After having got over post traumatic stress and the other niggly health problems I have developed since I met him – I feel very very angry that he has tainted my life and got off free of responsibility (and remorse) – I guess that says it all!