As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Dear Free – well done for no contact – it gets easier believe me, until they no longer become centre stage in your life – no contact of any kind is the only way.
I had a lump and lymph nodes removed in March and I am having to have my arm drained twice a week. On Thursday this week I have the first intro appointment to see the radiotherapy unit at the cancer centre. I am taking Tamoxifen, one a day for the next 5 years. I was ok, until I realised this week that I have another underlying problem which is not going away. I have had a red sore throat since last year and I had some episodes of fever which came and went, but I am suspicious that I have an underlying infection. I had a vaginal swab and blood tests done last September which was clear, but today I am going to ask for throat swab and HIV test. Sorry folks, but today I am going out of my mind with worry thinking that I might have HIV and that the cancer emerged as a result of my immune systems being low. I dont think I am ‘out of the woods’ yet.
Thank you Free. I have an appointment in three hours time. Why I am worried is that I have had a red sort throat, which I put down to the stress on my body, but the breast nurse today said that none of her patients have that. Also I had fevers last year, and lost alot of weight and he had a body rash at that time. So I may be putting two and two together and making five, but I dont think I can take anymore worry. yes you are right, having a relationship with someone with personality disorder is like dancing with the devil – and putting your hand in their fire. The fire is the deception and the lies.
Thank you Free. I just pray that I will see an end to these nightmares. I will post. Sleep well. Love and Hugsxxxx
I remember reading the posts by Dodged-a-bullet and understand how toxic predators mentioned in D.a.B posts must have give rise to such anxieties.
Beverly-
I am sorry you have to deal with this. I did want to say- ontopof being serioulsy ill we can get just everyday sick- colds etc.
I know I jumpto all sorts of conclusions. I hope you get some answers. I know how difficult it is navigating health care.
Dear dear Beverly,
I do hope that you can find out what is wrong. I also know the anxiety of “not knowing” what is wrong, and everything is wrong! STRESS does strange things to us and our immune systems and does make us more vulnerable to infections and cancers etc. Even strange allergies.
I have had multiple life threatening and weird infections since my husband died, drug reactions I never had before, etc. and from July to September I had total weakness and prostration from the tick fever and didn’t even know I was running a FEVER! From September to February I was scoped, probed and GROPED in every corner of my body, inside and out.
The anxiety of “not knowing” I think soetimes is worse than the KNOWING. iF YOU KNOW, like your cancer, you can deal with it, the anxiety of NOT knowing I think is worse (correct me if I am wrong in your case)
I am not sure where you live, etc. but here in central Arkansas we have a good STD clinic that will test you for everything you can think of and some you can’t. LOL FREE of charge. Sometimes your family doc may not be expert enough in all those situations to even know all the tests available.
Yes, having sex with these people is like playing RUSSIAN ROULETTE with a loaded gun and you aren’t sure if it is one bullet or fully loaded. I empathize and sympathize with Dodged a bullet—and I can fully understand her ANGER at this man, it was just as if he KNOWINGLY TRIED TO KILL HER. Some jurisdictions will prosecute those people for attempted murder or callous disregard of human life, and WELL THEY SHOULD BE. I feel the same way about people who DRIVE DRUNK, even if they don’t actually kill someone, I think they should be prosecuted for ATTEMPTED murder.
Beverly, you are in my prayers daily, and thoughts for your healing and recovery from all this insanity and your health problems. ((((hugs)))))
Many thanks OxDrover. It is one nightmare after another for me. I thought at first, getting rid of him was the end of the nightmare, then I have been faced with one nightmare after another. I have to go to hospital tomorrow for HIV test and a sensitive blood test. I know that stress can do strange things, but I have had an inflammed throat since last June and I am worried about that, because that is not psychsomatic, it indicates ‘something’. I should know fairly quickly. Thank you for your thoughts. Yes I just want to be free of the insanity and move on with the good life I had planned before I met him.
Of course, the last thing I want, is to have any contact with him for ANY reason whatsoever. My worry is that although he is a hypocondriac (excuse the spelling) he also has a flip side that says that he is not bothered about living beyond the age of 50, so I am not sure about how careful he has been and what he has actually been up to and whether he would do the honourable thing if he discovered anything amiss – I very much doubt it, he couldnt wait to head for the hills, when he knew I was onto him at the end.
Stress doesn’t just cause “psycho-somatic” (imagined) things, it is psycho-genic, the stress CAUSES REAL THINGS, or alters the immune systems so that the immune system can’t or doesn’t fight off attacks from cancer, bacteria or viruses, etc. Several sexually transmitted diseases can be gotten orally too, separate from the vernal infection.
Once all your STD tests are done though, you should be relatively secure in knowing either what you have or what is going on with that. Sore throats can be caused by lots of things that are not BAD ACTORS. If this doesn’t turn up something, I would suggest you go to an Ear, Nose and Throat doc and let them check you out.
The worrying about it all, not sure what to do next, what are serious symptoms, and what not, and the constant anxiety about it all is the PITS for sure. A good primary care physician who is aware of your TOTAL health, and the various specialties you are seeing, etc. is a godsend, they are (or should be anyway) the “referee of the dog and pony show” you are going through with multiple things, and multiple problems. Sometimes when you are seeiing multiple docs for different things, if NO ONE PHYSICAN or health care practitioner is in “on it all” and aware of it all, there can be unnecessary problems and increased stress and anxiety.
That was one of the things I liked about my role as an advanced practice nurse with experience in multiple specialties was that I had the time and some of the skills necessary to be that “primary” person in the team of various medical professionals all working on one person, and I could see them as a PERSON, not just a cancer, or a broken leg, and a grieving widow, but as ALL of that, a grieving widow with cancer AND a broken leg. Each of those things impacts on the TOTAL PATIENT, the total PERSON. It has been my experience that sometimes specialty docs who don’t know the entire patient’s history, medical, emotional, financial, social, etc. just focus on that ONE aspect and by not getting the “whole picture” they miss a lot that could benefit the patient.
I have been fortunate to both BE that practitioner, and to HAVE that kind of practitioner now. It definitely helps when you are going through medical procedures and anxiety. If anything I think my anxiety is worse in some ways BECAUSE I know enough to be REALLY scared. LOL That, too, is what makes medical practitioners “BAD patients” sometimes, and I try not to be one, but I think sometimes I am. LOL
Thank you – I understand what you say OxDrover. My doctor, said she would do the blood tests first and then send me to ear nose and throat specialist if nothing comes from that. I asked for a throat swab as I know that some infections can be caught there, but she wouldnt do that and said try the blood first. Then, looking at my notes, she said, I have been back repeatedly since January 07, saying that I felt unwell, tired, so she gave me blood tests Feb. 07 which brought up nothing. But he started cheating on me in June (I think) so we will see, but she is very aware of my history and angst and even said to me, that despite what I have told her, she has lots of young girls visiting the surgery who take no notice of her advice at all. My worry is that some of the hints he was telling me, I dont kow what was fact and what was bluff designed to send me crazy. He used to tell me that men were ‘hitting on him’ in bars, but he said he would never go with men, but I dont know whether he was trying to deflect me from what he was up to – typical Narcissistic behaviour!