As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
To notquitebroken:
Try getting a message to this victim but contacting one of her “friends” on MySpace. Let them know that you are not a jilted lover and that you want this person to know that their emotional well being as well as their bank account are in jeopardy. Also, let them know that you have chosen to go this route because you need to protect your identity. Let them know that it’s fine if they don’t believe you but suggest they educate themselves about Sociopaths for their own safety.
I did warn several women on Craigslist. In fact, I contacted women directly from their ads if I thought they seemed like someone he would choose. They all thanked me and several had been contacted by him or already went on dates and saw disturbing signs. Like Donna A., I don’t mind looking stupid to others if it saves them from what I went through. So far, the response has all been positive by using this means. Someone even found my posting on Dontdatehimgirl.com and I aksed he to remove the reference to it on Craigslist for my safety and peace and she respected that.
Good luck and always be sure to guard your safety and peace first.
Aloha.. Elise
Thanks very much, Elise. I’ve done exactly that and contacted someone else who is listed as one of her friends and given them links to his postings on dontdatehimgirl and womansavers. I let this person know that a friend is dating someone who isn’t safe and said that if she chooses to keep seeing him, to watch out for her very carefully and not let him isolate her from everyone else. I told them to be there for her because she’s not going to want to believe a word of it, but those red flags are probably popping up everywhere. They for me, but oh my goodness, weren’t they just the most decorative things ever!
Chances are the new person is in a crisis, has low self-esteem and is a perfect target.
So, after he tells her that you are the crazy one and took his money and etc. (like mine told his new love), what happens is… you trying to “warn” her…just solidifies and confirms that you are the crazy one.
Like… “see she is so nuts, she can’t even let me move on… she has to make up stories to tell you about me so you will not want to be with me…etc.”
It just makes you look crazy in that person’s eyes. You’d have to have solid proof… And usually even then, they don’t care because they are so caught up in his “love” that even if he did do those things to “you,” he would never do them to “me” because I am a better person and he really loves me.
I would say it’s a catch 22. Do you really want to save this woman from the pain and anguish you think she will endure? Or do you think somewhere in your mind that he might really love her and change for her and you don’t want to see that happen.
It’s a struggle that is not an easy one to deal with. I say count your blessings.
However, you could send her an anonymous letter or something.
This is a perfect example of how most sociopaths fail. They get discovered for what they are. Their mask slips. Their cover is blown. It just complicates everything for them. This is a contradiction to a sociopath’s self serving nature, a contradiction I’ve never really understood. Isn’t in their best interest to never be discovered?
They are supposedly masters of shifting blame, and manipulation, but here you are, all of you, victims of so called sociopaths. That just screams FAILURE in my mind.
Fascinating. Is it in a sociopaths general nature to self destruct? Boredom? They secretly want to be found out for who they are?
SecretMonster
In my opinion the people who have a true duty to warn are the psychopath’s blood relatives. If you have a son, daughter, brother, sister, aunt, uncle or parent who is a psychopath, try to warn potential victims, if you can do so safely.
Family members should never be seen with a psychopath in such a way that they add any credence to the idea the psychopath is a “good person” Don’t let the psychopath use you to con others.
I won’t cross him in any way. He has hurt not only me but innocent people associated with me (to hurt me) when exposed in any way.
I wish it weren’t so but I believe that although maybe the lightbulb will come on earlier from a warning, it is rare that it makes a difference in preventing someone from getting hurt, and I know it can backfire on you.
I’m not going to poke the bear. I’m afraid of him and don’t care if he knows it.
Just my experience
A woman contacted me, through MySpace, about the sociopath I was dating. At first it was just a warning that he was two-timing me with her. I was sick and in SHOCK, but the psycho explained it away saying that he had broken up with her months ago and she just wanted him back and was trying to ruin our relationship. I believed him and wrote her back a nasty email telling her to get a life.
She was persistant and sent me several email warnings over the next few months. She always included evidence that she had just seen him (describing the clothes he wore on a particular day, what I had made him for dinner, the sunburn peeling on his back). He ALWAYS explained it away with hazy, non-sensical explanations, but I was overly trusting, and in love (lust), and I must say, she was acting like the crazy person. I chose to ignore all the red flags and chalk it up to him being brilliant and eccentric.
Fast forward — Psycho was pressuring me to marry him and have his child (I found out I was 2 months pregnant). I got a text message at 3am saying “I’m with him and we’re having a great time right now, you should join us.” I drove to his house and couldn’t find him. He wouldn’t answer my calls. Then he appeared out of the shadows saying he had gotten drunk and fallen asleep on the sofa in his parents’ house (38-year-old loser lives in the small rental house on his parents property–for free of course.) It took him a whole WEEK to convince me this time that she had manipulated the situation and that he was innocent. So the next time she called him, I grabbed the phone and threatened to kill her if she didn’t leave us alone.
The only thing that ended up saving me from a fate worse than death is that crazy B took a photo of him passed-out NAKED on his bed that night, and sent it to me and my ex-boyfriend (the crafty little snooper got his info from MySpace, too). Psycho could no longer lie. Isn’t it crazy that it took a naked photo before I would believe???
A year later I am at peace, content with my life, and EXTREMELY GREATFUL to the woman (unstable as she is) who saved me from him and a life of hell. I am only $3K in debt from him, so I know I got off easy there, too.
The woman keeps tabs on him and contacts me to tell me of every new woman or business he’s scamming. I too struggled with the question “do I just move on and live my life in peace, or do I follow my conscience and try to send a warning?” I decided one brief, to the point warning every time, and the possibility of being called a crazy myself, is better than not trying at all. I want to see him in jail where he belongs, so I look at it as my duty to take a little crap if it might help society in the end.
My ex was sly and sneaky enough that I never learned about his other women until he was done with them. He left chaos in his path. It was so bizarre and confused that the telling would confound any intelligent person, so I’ll spare you.
He finally did marry one that was willing to be his slave. She mailed a few letters attacking me for unbelievable things he said I did – the exact things he really did! I never responded to any of them. It would not have done a bit of good.
I do wonder what condition she is in presently.
My four year experience with a sociopath, who took every bit of my self esteem, nearly destroyed me emotionally and professionally. It has taken me over a year to get to the point where I don’t think about him all the time. It has taken me that amount of time not to want him back…and I know most of you out there can understand that statement. It has taken me over a year to realize that I can live without him…and to have a clear view of how sick and evil a man he is.
Do I want to save every woman in the world from him? YES. Do I want to re-engage myself so that I am drawn back into the dark, dark world of a sociopath? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Finally…Absolutely not. Will trying to save the women of the world from him draw me back in…make me think of him…even stir up irrational jealousy of another woman…remind me of our life together? YES. Do I want that? NO. At long last…NO.
Everything I have heard from everyone who witnessed my near emotional demise from the intense mind manipulation I experienced over four years would tell me to STAY AWAY. And I get that. So my advice is STAY AWAY. You can save one woman, but you can’t save them all. SAVE YOURSELF INSTEAD.
I am not sure if we have to warn the victims. First, they are caught in the web, they have already established “psychopathic bond” with psychopath, whatever you say to them will be used against you.
Second, do we have to? I am GLAD that I experienced the psychopath while being 30 yo, I have no kids no money and no property. I have learned a lot and feel myslef MUCH MUCH more secure now. So…we should let other people to get the life experience. Let them learn how court system works.
P.S. My ex wife charmed and seduced that poor 32 yo disabled guy on pain killers, who is good looking. He obviously so happy to believe that such a beautiful girl is “in love” with him. He does not know that he will simply be used as a way for her to get american citizenship, and then she will move on to her next victim.