As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Some STDs will show up in the throat by swab that will NOT show up on a blood test–I don’t want to get too graphic here, but if nothing else an STD specialist clinic might be in order for YOUR PEACE OF MIND if nothing else. LOL Sometimes the peace of mind is worth the price! LOL
As far as him telling you his sexual history, I assume it is as truthful (NOT!) as everything else he told you! My XBF-P seemed to like nurses, and I think it was because he thought they would be STD free and “clean”—boy, does he have a thing or two to learn, some of the most risky sexual behavior I ever heard about was by nurses and physicians! DUH!
I made up my mind a long time ago that I would never have sexual intimacy with anyone, no matter how much I trusted them without a complete head to toe STD check from an STD clinic for us both. Anyone who isn’t interested enough in sleeping with me to go through that I don’t want anyway! Off the top of my head I can name 18 STDs that a condom doesn’t even begin to protect you from.
Plus, the old joke (which is true) about “what do you call people who use condoms for birth control?” PARENTS!!!
If they won’t act to protect you reliably from pregency, how do you think they can protect you from DISEASE? DUH!
The other one I used to use teaching college kids ABOUT STDs was “what’s the difference between herpes and TRUE LOVE? HERPES IS FOREVER!”
I’m just too much of a coward to take a chance on playing STD roulette for ANYONE.
Thank you OxDrover, I knew that and when I had a vaginal swab for STD last September after finishing with him, they gave me all clear. But I recently heard that there are some that are throat bound, but although I went to my doc today to insist on throat swab, she was adament about trying the blood tests first. We do have clinics locally and I will probably pay them a visit too. Unfortunately, I did a verbal check with him and trusted his reply, but didnt know at the time he was a Narcissist. My ex BF-N liked married women, whether they are less of a risk I dont know, but as he is a hypochondriac, I am hoping he made some safe choices.
Well, Beverly, I am disappointed in your doc’s reaction to your request, but it is possible she didn’t have the specialized swab in her clinic (most family type clinics don’t have) and she just didn’t want to say so. Or thought she could “there, there” you.
I was fortunate that the doc I worked with for 10 years in the public clinics wasn’t bad to “there, there” either me or patients, but the two times I was concerned and he did “there,there,” me I didn’t stop seeking the answer, and it saved my friend’s life–she had leukemia and was almost dead before we diagnosed it. Her presenting symptom was great fatigue. Another time was with my husband, and he ended up having emergency surgery for a huge blood clot subdural (just between the brain and the skull). Presenting symptom sudden and intense head ache–but he had just finished a course of medications one of the side effects of which is sudden and horrible head aches. I don’t know if it was “intuition” or what in these two cases, but I KNEW the patients both well and I knew that SOMETHING was wrong besides the “apparently nothing” symptom. THEY knew there was something wrong as well.
I think it is extremely important to LISTEN to the patient. And most physicians do, but sometimes even they are HUMAN and don’t listen like they should. Dr. T was a really GOOD physician and so if you conisder the 1000s of other times he didn’t “there, there” me, that’s a pretty good record. BUT, again, I think it is better to err on the side of caution….and in this case, you aren’t requesting brain exploratory surgery because you are seeing ghosts, you are requesting a $20 swab, and it is worth that just for relief of ANXIETY.
Right now I don’t think you don’t need ANY more anxiety, so to me, treating the anxiety (by doing the swab) is the more important “medical proceudre”–if that makes any sense.
In a lot of ways I do NOT have a lot of patience, and “waiting” for results or waiting to know things isn’t one of those things I have a great deal of patience about. In some ways I am learning more patience and in others I am learning to be more demanding about unnecessary delays. The trick is to know when one is appropriate and when the other is. LOL
Being in control of my own emotions is a new concept for me, and not allowing myself to worry or to stew over something I have NO control over takes practice, and some days I do well and others not so well. LOL
I don’t expect perfection from medical practitioners, but I do expect compassion and listening to the patient from them. Sometimes it is difficult for me to not get irate if they don’t live up to my standars of compassion about something this “minor” to them, and more “major” to YOU.
Right now, Bev, you don’t have to get irate, I’m doing it for you! LOL ROTFL.
Beverly — it’s been a few months since your STD questions came up and we really hope you got the answers you needed.
For your doctor to minimize & invalidate you like that was not good. We tell our members to be SURE to have the doctor put any symptoms or problems they are having because of the Psychopath (mental or physical) in their medical files no matter how stupid it sounds.
As to the STD question, one of our exposed Cyberpaths was caught going to a well known brothel and information he himself bragged about online was used to help bust the brothel. Of course, the brothel & madame are back in business — with the full knowledge of the police… sigh.
But, about 18 months after this S was first exposed, his wife developed some sort of illness that had destroyed a valve in her heart (we know because he blabbed about it on his blog — typical S ‘sympathy ploy’.) It was some sort of germ that entered her body. We aren’t doctors, we don’t know for sure but considering all the oral sex he bragged about with hookers & other women — it really makes one wonder how the wife really got sick.
The point here, Beverly (and everyone else) is that condoms don’t protect from everything. Oral sex and even just skin to skin contact may transmit things no matter how clean you are. And often the S or N is somehow “immune” to what they are carrying but pass it along to some vulnerable victim. We have heard one too many suspicious stories. Maybe someday the health care field will open its eyes and do the research here.
So asking & demanding for a test is your right. Victims are often ‘trained’ to be ‘polite’ but remember — it’s your dime & your doctor works for you!
Wishing you a Pathology Free path!
Beverly
I Know what will make you Feel Better!
You need to go get me Some BEER and Ciggaretts ! And that should work out really good for you! :)~
Hello Everyone,
I haven’t been here in awhile and as always the new topics and posts are SO informational. I had even forgotten my password and had to set up a new account. I once posted here under Tami Newman. At any rate, I was once nearly obsessed with trying to warn my ex S new victim, aslo the woman he left me for, about his bad behavior. I finally gave up and moved on with my life. I’m happy to say that I am now engaged to a wonderful man who is also a childhood friend. Yes, a very pleasing blast from my past! I learned a few months ago that my ex S was indeed cheating on the new woman just as I had warned her that he would. She wrote me a tearful message back in October telling me how she wished she had of listened and would be leaving him. Ironically, I know the woman that he cheated on her with. A very successful, decent woman who fell victim to his lies and promises. He caught her when she was going through a hard time with her husband and pounced. I felt badly for both women but relieved that he had finally revealed his true self and now the victim could finally see that I was NOT the crazy one! I let it go after that. I just happened to be nosing around on myspace and ran across a blog that this very same victim just posted a couple of days ago. I’m posting it here because I think it clearly shows just how much power and control a sociopath can gain over our emotions. I wish she could step back and read what she wrote as though it was written by someone else. I think she could then see just how brainwashed she is by this pathetic man. Here is the blog:
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Rough Times
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life
The past few months have been really rough for me. I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me and it was very hard to find that out because he had such a bad past when we met which caused trust issues anyway. I found out many things that truely broke my heart such as he had her come to MY house, not his,but MY house to have sex with her. Thats speaks what kind of person she is right to come into another womans house to screw her man! He also told me other things about her that puzzled me why he would continue to see her, such as she was so shallow she told him that she couldn’t stand to touch her husband because of burn scars that he got when there house burnt down. He said when she told him that his view of her totaly changed but she was willing to see and have sex with him so he continued to see her. He said she would meet him on the side of the road if he wanted to and have sex.He said she was a whore that would have sex with him where ever,whenever and listen to him complain and he kept filling her with bullshit lines to keep her coming around.I guess that speaks what kind of man he was right! But we all truely get what we deserve including me!! He told me he needed to feel wanted physicaly and mentaly and she gave that to him at the time when I built up walls and kept him out and told him multiple times I was leaving him to move to Reno with my parents.After finding out about the affair we did talk for a few days and a lot of things came out that neither one of us was willing to talk about before.I asked him why didn’t he just leave and he said he kept thinking things might get better and I would come around to wanting him again. He said thats why he got so jealous because he wanted me to treat him as I did the other guys we hung out with and I didn’t. he said in a way he was glad all this happened because it made both of us realize what we had and we almost gave up. He asked me to stay and work things out and said he wished he could take it all back and he wished he had been a stronger man through our trials but at the time he just felt he needed someone to want him. I have a lot of respect for him because he has been very honest through all of this and a little to honest sometimes. He got on his knees and swore on his mothers life that he wouldn’t never go to another woman again and this was one big screw up. He loves his mother very much and when he said that I couldn’t help but to forgive him and try to work on things because I love him so much and feel he was being as honest as he could. I also know our relationship was on the rocks and a lot because of me pushing him out. I feel I let him go and he came back to me so I guess he really does love me. I know people have bad opinion of Mike and thats fine but I do have unconditional love for him and will stand beside him no matter who thinks what or be disgusted by any kind of scar or deformity he may have or develop. We are learning to be able to talk to each other and it feels great to be able to be so open. I guess the point is sometimes god puts obstacles in your way to make you open your eyes so you can find what your looking for and sometimes you realize you had it all along. Sometimes you have to have the bad to see the good thats right in front of you if you just accept it. Mike and I had a perfect relationship in the beginning but some how it fell apart. I got scared of him and was ready to run because I had found out so much about him and the past and Mike and I met in bad circumstance anyway. But I felt we dealt with that part the best we could witout trying to hurt anyone but it didn’t work out that way. anyway I know this is boring but I was wanting to just get it off my chest and write down some feelings. Sorry if I have bored you guys, so I will shut up now!! lol
TNewman: I’m glad you tried to warn the other women in your EX’s life. Good for you. I personally, am proud of you for making the attempt. I tried to do this for my EX’s current wife … to no avail. I’m sure he’s hovering over her like he did me … allowing her to see mail that he wants her to see, phone messages that he wants her to know about … etc. If more people were willing to do this it could naturally take off and be the new rage (sort to speak) of dating etiquette. I tried to speak with my EX’s ex-wife … to no avail. She believed that old wives’ tale that I was competition and refused to talk with me … no matter how many times I let her step mom and her daughter know I wanted to sit down and go over details about her EX and my current boyfriend. She definitely would have saved me my money and a lot of heart ache!
Peace.
Personally i was told but not of his sociopathic ways. His mother told me after goiing to counseling for sometime and was getting help.. I read a book and she showed the neighborhood. She partially saved me and so did the day he neevr said SOrry and MEANT it for all the things i was put through. a restrainign order later and 6 months and no one really knows who and what hes doing becasue we try to warn the victims but some are so selfless or codependent that they cant even help themselves let alone him.
NArsistic personality is the part where i think i went wrong becasue drugs made it seem ok for our behaviors but i didnt see his manipulativeness untill i was in school and going through hell wiht him calling no stop and his cheatinng lies. I learned about abuse PHYSICAL AND VERBAL and from all this help form all these different thigns made me get thorugh never being into him ever again.
I try to help his new victims with this false hope if love and securtiy and sometimes you gotta learn the hard way.
I think ultimately you should try to warn them and show what could happen and watch out if it does.
most of the time it wont work and you cant follow his victims forever. Hell be out and dissapear find people you dont know and have a new life.
He still trys to see me and call me today randomly and he thinks i dont know what hes doing. YET he still knows.
I read 1 in 25 people you meet are sociopathic and you can tell by jsuut 5/7 or 8 things DESCRIBING BAD BEHAVIORS. I read stories like mine.
It was jsut too late becasue i didnt know what i deserved becasue he WAs MY ONLY FIRST LOVE . 🙁 but i woulndnt call it LOVe at all id call it me loving a heartless piece of shitt who doesnt deserve to manipulate or live even in my eyes. I dont get why we catch them so late . or how they beat the system so bad. or how they get eveyone else to take the blame. They know how and jsut what to tell you to make sure its not there asses in trouble.
MY advice is if abuse or attemptd rape anything jsut fucking ge tthe guy befor eits too late.
I wish i knew that there was remorseless while i was growing up so i would know what it could be. I neevr knew about these people and not many people do untill older ages. or sophistication.
STAY STRONG! WHAT DOESNT KILL YOU ONLY MAKES YOU STRONGER.
Here’s what I put on cheateralert, hoping desperately that new victim will read it:
Does any of this sound familiar: “We are spiritually connected” “We must have known each other in a past life” “You are AMAZING” “You should meet my son right away, because it’s important for him to witness a “healthy” relationship.” Moving a little quick for you? Pouring the flattery on? Coming to your house ALL THE TIME so you can cook for him and come up with things to do? Think he’s too good to be true? Wonder why he doesn’t have a job and is in so much debt? Wonder why he is a licensed massage practitioner who doesn’t practice (hint – it’s a great way to get girls). Do you feel so sorry for him and his situation that you are slowly starting to financially support him, even if it seems like it’s your idea? Has he already picked up on your weaknesses in a way that is endearing at first because it seems like he “gets you”? This is not the case. You are not “spiritually connected”. You are his newest victim. I heard it all about his first wife. How she didn’t support him. How she was so “materialistic” and “controlling”. I felt so bad for him that he was so unlucky to be with such a horrible person. Now he has a kid to add to his pathetic-ness, and you REALLY want to help him and save that poor child from his “crazy mother”. Please don’t. My child does not need a new round of musical girlfriends from this sociopath. He is using you for financial security and to give him the means to fight me in court. That’s it. As soon as he’s bored (and after he gets his way), he will cheat on you. Many times. He cheated on me for YEARS. He’d even invite one of his girlfriends over to our home and screw her while I was at work with our son in the next room. He’d borrow my car and gas money to take my son to go “hang out” with her. I didn’t find this out until much later. He did get “caught” a few times, but he always turned it around to make me sound like I was “controlling” and “unsupportive” and “won’t let him have any friends”. Then he will say you remind him of me. You won’t want to do that of course! He has undoubtedly painted me to be a horrible person, all the while saying how much he wants me to be “healthy” like him. Right. And so you will trust him with everything. Please don’t lose everything like I did, and please don’t have a child with this man! There is nothing more cruel than having to share your child with a monster like this. Next thing you know, your kid is telling you how nice daddy’s new girlfriend is and how much he likes going to her house, and you do not want to experience that pain. Cut your losses now and do not have any contact with this person. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings… he doesn’t have any. Truly. I have never met anyone who is that capable of causing so much destruction without even an ounce of remorse or regret. He should be in jail for what he did to me. Usually when you cheat and lie and steal from someone they do, but when you are the one giving on your own free will, you will have no justice. I’m very sorry for that. Don’t invest one more second of time with this man. Don’t worry about my son. His mom loves him more than anything in the world. He’s the reason I’m posting this now. He doesn’t need to get attached to any more victims of this monster. I’m sure you are a nice person who wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is absolutely counting on that. He only preys on nice people!
AMAZING is the Key word here. He used it all the time, all day everyday. It was a manipulation tactic. He came in when I was going through a horrible divorce only to make me believe in a prince charming. Looking back now, he came on too strong TOO FAST! He was professing his undying love within 3 weeks of meeting me. 3 weeks! I was so vulnerable that I fell for it. And fast. My friends found it extremely odd that someone would be soooo in love so fast but he made it so believable. They are pathological liars and they manipulate women the fear will empower themselves once they realize what is going on. I am an extremely intelligent woman and still feel so embarassed that I got caught up in such a toxic and painful cycle. There are mornings that I still wake up and wonder if it was all a dream. Yes they do string at least one other woman along at all times to ensure they have their “source” to feed off of. RUN!