As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
There is such a difficulty in doing this effectively:( or more to the point at the time it will do any good.
The S/P’s (ex??) wife ‘warned me’, but she was very ‘personal’ and vicious towards me while she was at it – it gave his ‘don’t listen to her she’s a loon, dont believe all those hateful things she says about me blue, she doesnt understand me like yoooooooo.blah.blah BS ‘ credibility:(
In Hindsight – I can totally understand why she’d feel angry at me…she was being gas-lighted as much as me… and has two kids with a monster:( He really USED his kids in his performance… he did the same with his subsequent victim…and yes freemama, they need all his crap like a hole in the head.
BUT It DID plant a seed for me…a seed that I tried hard to talk myself out of looking at…
My ‘overlooking’ or trying to figure out what everything was all about, was part my ‘saviour syndrome’ with him….I think the WAY she warned me ignited it…:(
I know better now…if there is a STINK… trace the root cause of it… and RUN from it.
I think we recently witnessed ‘how it goes’ with some posters on here… one trying to make the other out to be wrong about an ex husband….but the common denominator in all the ‘craziness’ was…? NO Normal person ignites this kind of chit in people.
Yes you definitely don’t need to give the two of them and opportunity of presenting a “united front” against you. It must drive my ex spath crazy that I’m no-contact. The only info she has on me is from him, and after a while that won’t be enough. She can contact me if she wants. I definitely will feel compassion rather than anger.
I’m glad about that…because with these creeps… 20 years wife and mother of his children…long term Gf…or ‘fling’… ‘there but for the grace of god’ go you and all of us.:(
Lola:
Key word: Vulnerable.
When we are vulnerable we will believe whatever it is we ‘feel’ we need in our lives. We are more likely to believe in the cinderella story….take chances that we wouldn’t take when we have our strength about us.
This is a great reason…..WHY…..none of us should go back ‘on the market’ at any time we are in a vulnerable state.
If we can recognize this…..and make this commitment to ourselves…….we can avoid so many pitfalls and heartaches while we heal and gain strength.
Good post Lola…..welcome to LF.
Blue and Free:
I think the only way to ‘cry out’ to the next victim….is to do it in a silent way.
If we don’t do what is expected of us…..no one knows how to ‘peg’ us.
Example…….we are portrayed as crazy ex….(ofcourse EVERY woman is the crazy ex…yet we all seem to believe it in whole)…..
So the new woman is no different. It’s her guy, he loves her differently, he would never do that to her, it’s different…yadayadayada…….(you know the routine….we’ve all defended a spath).
So…..spath expects you to tell bedtime stories about him…..so he preps new gal……..
SO DON”T TELL…..DO THE OPPOSITE!!!!!
Time is our friend.
And one day…..when you ‘happen’ to run into her at grocery store or at a birthday party for kids ……whatever……just smile, greet her and be ‘graciious’……WITH NO BEDTIME STORIES…….
She will IMMEDIATELY have doubt placed in her brain……and start the seeds germinating about YOU……
YOU didn’t apear anything like her new love described…….Hmmmmmmmm.
THEN she will start seeing contradictions about ‘other’ things spath has portrayed…….and YOUR behavior will only hasten her doubt of him.
It’s like my analogy of the snake under the rock……..just stay there……let them pass a few times….and believe that trail is ‘safe’…….even come out from your rock and show them that ‘snakes’ don’t always bite …….and feel safe on that trail………
It’s counter control of a spath…….that’s all it is…..
BUT….we instictively want to take ANY and EVERY opportunity to yell to the world about a spath…….and it rarely gives us the effects we are looking for……none of us want to be viewed or ‘confirmed’ crazy as spath has portrayed us……SO DON”T LET OUR BEHAVIORS CONFIRM THIS…….
SHake it up…….and go against our grain……..and be effective about our yelling from the mountaintops by maintaining our control!
It can be done…..and it can be effective……and we can be heard……just not in the way which feels natural to us!
Patience my dears…….patience………..
When someone tried to “warn” us, did any of us give heed? “They were like that with YOU. I’m different, and I have all of the love that you didn’t have for him/her/it. They won’t be the same with ME!”
EB, you are so right. That’s the only instinct we trust at that point – to warn.
Good post, EB.
Excellent post EB.xx
If you really want to warn the next victim of a S, Erin Brock’s way is good, being gracious with NO Bedtime Stories.
OR…..if you know your S REALLY WELL, you can predict the future of what’s going to happen with the new victim, and give her a PREVIEW of some BEDTIME STORIES that will happen in her FUTURE (i.e. how the relationship will play out)……if she is a willing listener and keeps things confidential.
Then, when these things come to pass, she will think back and realize that you were right.
I think Tami Newman did this with Biddy.
She told Biddy in advance what would happen in her marraige.
And then, when everything started happening for Biddy the way Tami predicted, Biddy was running to Tami all of the time wanting to talk, which is not necessarily a good thing.
Because it can become a dysfunctional triangle.
You really have to know the man well to pull this one off, too.
Warning the next victim is just so exhausting….and thankless.
Unless someone comes and asks me directly, I am probably not going to send any warnings.
Even then, I will be reluctant to say anything.
I will, however, be on the sidelines (front row) with a bag of Twizzlers and a Diet Coke watching it all unravel. 🙂
I agree with Rosa…..you really gotta KNOW your spath!!!!
The spath attempted to ‘set me up’ via FB talking to several women….right out in the open…..
He even told one the ‘evil one’ was lurking……he had to be ‘careful’ what he posted.
I think it was an attempt to have me jump in and contact her…..WHICH I DID NOT! And then try to get me back in court. I didn’t take any of it…..I actually laughed when someone pointed this out to me…..what he was writing.
His whole fb was littered with evil ex comments…..and biatch comments from him……again….I just laughed…
Because he was exposing himself……to the world….
He’s commenting to a new ‘love’ interest about his ex wife and nothing good to say…..and a terrible marriage and no sex and she was fat yadayada…..CAN YOU IMAGINE what this woman thought…….and then if I jumped in……it would only serve to confirm to her I was all as described…..and draw her closer to him….to save him from the ex.
I’m sure in person, he is no different……all my fault….he nestles nicely into a victim- save me type approach.
Asking these women to save him….help him redefine that there are nice women out there. Help me.
Plus….I WANT him to have another interest…..it keeps his mind off me and kids and keeps him occupied with new interest.
Are you kidding me? Can you imagine what I WOULD ATTRACT with that sort of advertisement? SPATHS! Men attract victims/saviors…..women attract spaths!
So anyways…..just sit back and KNOW that life will carry on in spaths world just as it did when we were in it……they do not change….KNOW THIS!!!!
They find what works and don’t stray from the game plan…..it works!
I really don’t think the warning will RARELY be heeded……it’s just not in the mindset of people….
Remember Rosa….Biddy didn’t receive the info well…..UNTIL she saw it happening to her……
Oh…..and don’t forget the popcorn!!! 🙂
Yes, I remember that Biddy did not take the warning well, Erin Brock.
Like I said…..it’s a thankless job.
On a sidebar note, it was reported on CNN Headline News that Joran “orange hair” Van Der Sloot is getting marraige proposals in the Peru prison …..not from the other inmates, but from women outside the prison writing to him.
That is just priceless.