As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Rosa! ROTFLMAOTMNR!!!! Bag of twizzlers and a diet coke….bwahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh, my…..
Off Topic – the Van Der Skunk story just keeps getting crazier and crazier…..and, I think that the media is fueling this (&$%(*&’s arrogance! What if….just, what if….the media stopped giving that Thing attention? Would it start confessing, again, just to be in the limelight?
The only appropriate response that I can think of is just shaking my head.
Button,
Off topic:
A lot of people don’t seem to understand that there actually are people out there who lack a conscious and only “act remorseful” because they’re caught.
I’m hoping that Scott Peterson and Van Der Skunk media stories will help enlighten judges and potential jurors regarding how these seemingly “normal”, often charming, and frequently good looking P-Cons operate.
notquitebroken,
I know your posting was done a while ago, but I just read it today. I love the idea you had of posting from a different location. I feel your fear for the new victim. I am also in the same place. He’s poisoned so many people to my “scorned”” woman routine. He did the same to me about his ex and I fell for it totally, so I can’t say much.
However, when you said you were worried about contacting the current victim, I thought” gee, I could contact her for you. Then I started thinking, you could contact my ex s/p current victim” and how having a 3rd party person in the mix gives it so much more validity. Then I thought about every one here, and how we could support each other if there was a safe way to do so.
Like your ex sociopath, mine has used the whole COURT bluff. He also did it to me, to fausly validate his lies, he used “fake” anger at the “lies” his ex was saying. I.E. “if I wasn’t such a nice guy, I would sue her for her lies about me.” etc.
He is now saying this about ME, and because of it, many of those I had thought were friends wont even talk to me. They are convinced that they will get pulled into a courtroom when he and I go to court. Of course my telling them that “guilty men don’t go to court if they can help it,” hasn’t quieted their fears. The only way we will end up in court is if I lose my job over him, because I know how bad judges can be when it comes to recognizing sociopath behavior, and I don’t want to take HIM to court if I can work around it!
Long story short” it would be so nice if there was a safe way for those of us that have our hands tied, to have a sister who understands send the warning out to those who may share our fate if we don’t speak out.
What does every one think?
Obviously we have to be careful not to slander or end up in court. Maybe an email like this:
“I am a part of a network of support for victims of fraud. Your name has come up as a possible victim of a current fraud scheme. Since we do not know the particulars of your situation we can not give detailed advice for your safety, however we highly recommend that you do some research on your own, to protect yourself. Here are some of the resources you can use to educate yourself of the dangers that may be waiting for you much sooner then you may know.”
Then put lovefruad.com and any other sites that may provide these women with a small amount of the knowledge that we have learned the hard way!
What do you think?
I was given a warning through an email sent to me. I was six months into the relationship/under the spell and head over heals for the P/S.
The email said he was a compulsive liar, still married and a convicted felon.
He told me it was from a crazy ex girlfriend out to get revenge. I believed him. Turns out all of it was true.
I never found out who the email was from and often think or wish I could do the same for the next victim but more than likely it would do no good like it did me as I am sure they would still be under the spell of the P.
Hi Sherri,
I should have read your post before I posted. Anyway I think that is a great idea, truly!
I was also warned. And like you, I was many months into the relationship before he exposed me to any people who knew the REAL him. I did go back and thank his ex for warning me, even though I didn’t believe her at the time. I was at a place where some women were mad at me for warning them, just like I had been mad at her years before.
Some have said on this site that SOME of the victims do listen. I feel like I saved at least two of the victims he had going at the same time as me. I don’t expect any thanks. One is glad to be rid of him, but she had no warning of his lies until she found my planted items in his house, since she lived 3000 miles away. The other still blames me for ruining a wonderful relationship, because I “tattled” to management about his misuse of his lead worker status. She will never thank me either, because even now, she believes my actions were out of anger at him, or maybe jealousy.
Either way, I saved her from a fait worse then death…. spending years loving someone, only to find out he had dozens of other women along the way, and don’t care if you are dead or alive!
I don’t do or say what I say to win praise from any one. In fact my inability to hide, lie, or avoid the subject when asked has threatened my ability to keep my job on more then one occasion. Still… I shoot from the hips when someone ASKS, and if they don’t want to know, they shouldn’t ask.
Now for his victims… they don’t ask, because he has spent either months or years brainwashing them long before it turns into a “relationship” of sorts. However, I feel they should be warned, if they want it or not.
Chances are they will NOT listen. However, lovefraud is more then just a warning site… it is also a place of healing. Even if these men and women do not listen to the warning calls, they will know there is a place to learn coping skills when they are ready to open their eyes and see the rubble that used to be their lives.
JMHO
Sherri,
My guess is one gets to a place where they can no longer ignore the truth. However long it takes I think most victims of P/S’s soak up every word on sites like this when they eventually find their way here. And even though the stories are shocking, painful and heartbreaking, knowledge and truth are healing.
Most of his victims have seemed to pull their lives together in most ways. Some of them say they will “forever be changed,” which I echo with them. However, they have not seemed to suffer in many ways that I do. I write this off to their lack of “need to know.”
When my life came crashing down, I had to understand how I got there. I could not remove the sociopath from my life so I continued to be emotionally injured every time another lie from the past was uncovered. This increased my NEED TO KNOW and UNDERSTAND.
None of it made sense to me, until I found this site, and learned about sociopaths.
I have a friend with PTSD. She has stated it well, “people don’t have a clue, unless they have been through it.” I will add, some people HAVE been through it, and they choose to believe a simpler answer to their internal question “why.” That way they don’t have to think about what has been so painful for them.
In many ways I envy their ability to just write him off and not inspect it closer. It seemsed much less painful for them. However, all of those women have said they will NEVER trust another man again. I have been able to remarry someone who IS NOT like him. That is much easier to do, when you know WHAT the sociopath looks like!
Sherri,
I so understand “people don’t have a clue, unless they have been through it” I stopped trying to explain or get validation from the lucky uninitiated a while back.
It has been almost 9 months since the P left and I am now just able to make it through a day w/o out crying and feeling seriousl regret for time wasted on a silly make believe world the P created just for me. And not feeling very special about it either . lol
And I suspect his second ex wife got through it all much easier than myself as both of them stayed friendly with each and in contact even though they eventually divorced and had no children together. He was with me while still married <one of the lovely surprises I found out later. She (the ex wife) obviously never felt the need to go no contact.
As I had mentioned in another post, I would love to warn the next victim that she is involved with a spath. I feel there are pros and cons to the action though. The pros being that 1. Hopefully she listens and believes so that she doesn’t end up taken. The cons being that 1. She doesnt believe it making me feel like I just wasted my time. 2. She lets him know she was warned, therefore giving him yet another opportunity to tell the “she’s just obsessed” story (trying to make himself look “oh so wanted” ) … somehow at that point I think I would feel I’m still entrapped in his world. One of his ex’s made an attempt, a while back, to expose his behavior…when he found out about it, he put up a big website exposing some very personal, embarrassing, and cruel information on her. By the time she caught wind of it, he took the site down…of course after 10,000 had clicked into it and seen it…how embarrassing and humiliating. And that’s not the worst of it…a few months later he worked his way into that womans life again and bedazzled her into letting him use her car…guess what? When he found that new victim to loan him her car…he dropped it off and dropped her off again!!! I don’t think I even want to take time for that. Let me know if thats wrong because right now what I do is continue to learn about how much his behavior proves he is a sociopath. I read, I educate people, I tell them about this site. I have social acquaintances who have had similar experiences and have been left in the dark…I inform them of the possibility of their ex being a spath. I guess right now I would rather spend my time doing this than endlessly chasing down my own spaths future minions. That, I feel, would never end. There is always new blood for the sociopath and he is going to leave every one of them when they are no longer of any use to him.