As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Yes, I took great pleasure in warning his next victim and I think now after two mnths after I said “adios” and then she (his former girlfriend) filled my shoes, she may be figuring it out. But that’s not my problem. 🙂 I also made sure that an even larger audience knows his track record. Thank you http://www.cheaterregistry.com
Brilliant!
Hi!
I was the target and I was warned, but that has no effect on me! I met him on-line and we were chatting for more than one year. I did not meet man over Internet I was just killing some time over the net. I told him that he is waisting his time with me that I will not date him ever. And after one year I had a bad time, my brother died from cancer, and I went out to meet him. He was such an understanding man.
Than, after some tome one lady on that chat room approached to me and told me that he is no good and that I should take care of myself. She did not gave me no hard evidence or nothing she just repeated that he is no good and has lots of women. I asked him about her and he told me that she was in love with him, that she is sick, that she does not know him, that she did not met him (she did) and so on. As she did not give me anything hard to hold on and as I was in love, I believed him.
My point is – if you are approaching to a next women please do it with lots of info on him – I mean FACTS that she could check. DON’T TELL THAT YOU ARE HURT AND JUST REPEAT HE IS A PSIHOPAT BECAUSE NO ONE WILL NOT BELIEVE YOU. Give dates, numbers, states, ranks, whatever she can CHECK and is a FACT. Describe him in facts, not in emotions. Than you have chance that she will believe you.
I did that last night. And girl believed me. She did not sleep with him yet I dont think she will. She said that she was thinking I was crazy at first but than she realized that I DO KNOW ALL THE FACTS ABOUT HIM, she even tried to tricked me with some questions but than realized I KNOW HIM and i am telling the Truth. I spoke to her this morning and I think she is now more skeptic to me because I think she asked him in meantime, but now I dont care. If she chooses that path its on her.
This is the first time I did succeeded. Ladies before called me a crazy women. I know its not normal doing that for me, but know I think I finally will find peace, after this normal women. Call me crazy because I am, I know.
So, my personal experience is – you should, but WITH FACTS NO EMOTIONS if you would like to be believed!
@heartsich is trhue.
If you warn the women and she does not believe you – you will feel even worst!!! I did! Also – she will ask him (as I did) and he will give her some story and there are 90 percent that she will believe him and not you.
But, as I said, I did try and finally last night I did it – one believed me. And NOW I CAN PEACE myself. I dont know why but that is how I feel. I proved to her and to myself that I am not the crazy one, I think that is what I needed all the time. Now I can go on with my life. It was 3 years of my life. I met him 3 years ago and I cant believe that he has such a power on me even today! But not after last night! God thank you for your kindness!
No one warned me, but his family treated me very strange in the beginning. No one would talk about his first marriage at all. I thought they were cold and aloof at best…. hated me for no reason at the worst of it. Now I know they were hiding his secrets. He said his ex wife did not want to meet me because she would have “felt threatened”. HA! Now I know this is what he’s saying about me.
ALWAYS meet the ex if you can before jumping into a serious relationship. If they don’t have contact with any, this is a serious red flag not to be ingnored.
freemama, the trickest thing to pay attention to is the non-verbal clues. Decent folks’ family/friends will pour out the good stories about a person you are now seeing. Their conversations just low as they have smiles on their face … while the indecent folks’ family/friends will seem awkward as they try to portray your new partner as just a person (no good stories to tell so they say nothing at all), act awkward and of course try and treat you badly because they can’t come right out and tell you … FLEE WITH YOUR LIFE … GET OUT AND STAY OUT … WARNING, WARNING, DANGER, DANGER!
Of course this depends on if the family is dancing with each other or not.
Really need advice! I’ve been scouring the web trying to figure out what to do about the ex spath filing for bankruptcy. We own a house – he’s alone on the mortgage and won’t give me permission to talk to the bank, and we’re both on the title. He stopped paying a few months after he moved out. After 6 months of living there underwater, I finally moved out to free myself of the stress. I assumed it was going into foreclosure, and was happy that at least it wouldn’t affect MY credit report. We still have a loan to the sellers due… the spath told them he needed the downpayment (my money) loaned back so he could start a business. I didn’t find out about this until I spoke to the seller yesterday! Obviously there was no business. Now I’m concerned that I’m going to be stuck with that loan on a house he took away from me.
This week I also found out through the discovery process that his mother was the person who loaned him $8,000 to get a lawyer and get out of the order of protection which should have been mine. He just lied to the court (with the credibility of having a lawyer when I didn’t), and I lost. I have helped this woman so much. She knew he was an abuser with both me and his first wife… how on earth could she justify giving him money to keep from accepting responsibility for his actions! She knew how upset I was to have lost because of his lies, but she never told me she made it happen. Now she’s calling me to “chat”, and I can’t bring myself to even talk to her.
Here’s my questions:
– Practically – can I go to the bankruptcy hearing if we have mutual restraining orders? Will they even care that he deliberately forced me out of the house by not allowing me to talk to the bank? The notice said he doesn’t have any property – is he lying to them or does that mean it already foreclosed?
– What do I say to the mother? If I upset her, she’ll go to him, and he’ll try to argue that I’m “alienating” myself from his family (who have all been awful to me), and by extension cutting my son off from them?
Wish I had a lawyer still, but his dragging the child support hearing made me blow through my retainer. I am just so sickened by all of this. I will never really be free of this monster.
He’s camping with my ds and the new g.f. this weekend, btw. I’m pretty sick over that. He wouldn’t admit it, of course, but he said he’d probably be “out of range” and unable to make the 2 good-night phone calls due to me per the pp. Everytime he’s done this is in the past, my ds says he spent the weekend with her. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it! Man I love child custody laws. My kid is already attached to her (heck – the only time he gets to have fun is when they hang out cuz dad’s too broke and lazy to come up with anything), and it’s just going to hurt him so much when she figures the spath out and dumps him like all of us have. I tell myself that there is nothing I can do – I couldn’t try to “reason” with him or appeal to how this will affect my ds if I wanted to – but it still sucks to be sitting here being so powerless. Luckily there’s about a zillion posts I have yet to read on LF to help me through it! Thanks for being here, y’all.
For what it’s worth, I too was warned about my ex by members f his family and I ignored those warnings. He played the “good guy” who had made a few mistakes and that’s how I first saw him. I went with the old adage that everyone makes mistakes and everyone is entitled to a 2nd chance. And in all of this, he was sending flowers on a regular basis, showing up where I work, calling me several times a day, even after he had moved in with me. My head was spinning!
My ex is a pro at B.S. He will and can, fool almost everyone. I have thought seriously of “outing” him, but I don’t think it would do any good for any woman in the future. He has an arsenal of things that he uses to pull people in and I fell for every one of them.
freemama, the hardest thing to do is nothing. the hardest thing in the world for me has been to know that there are certain things I cannot change, at least not yet. In time, you WILL be free of this monster and in time, things will come out alright as long as we keep doing the next right thing. Hang in there!
I learned, the hard way, to say NOTHING to my ex’s mother. I found out she was taking what I said back to the ex. She also hid a lot from me. She was NO friend. She is a perfect example of those who enable the spath and as far as I know, she still is. These idiots are good at getting family members to fall for their crap and I’ve learned that blood doesn’t necessarily = family. I have friends I’m far closer to than her or other family members.
I think the past indicates what the future behavior will be with certain individuals. I have learned the more silent I am, the quicker he does himself in with others and he’s proving that to be right over and over again.
LF is definitely the place to come when you need to know you aren’t alone. Many times, I’ve come here and read articles and comments from others and I know it’s helped me SO much! I don’t always post. I DID want you to know you are not alone, though!
Hugs,
Cat
I tend to come from the viewpoint (after much personal anguish and soul searching), that we are somehow meant to have sociopaths come into our lives.
As difficult as this may be to take, nature/creation/the universe/god or whatever, found something in us that needed to be “shaken up” and hence the arrival of these creatures into our lives. The can be no personal evolution in a one season life.
Unless the next victim was in personal physical danger, or their children, I would not warn them. Mainly it is none of my business and the way I see it; being a sociopath is an endless spiral into oblivion and decay and this is why sociopaths need victims. They are going down the drain from the moment they are born and see their victims as a flotation device to somehow delay their death spiral into nothingness. Sure they are driven by power, control and personal gratifaction. But things things are fleeting spasms of shallow victory for the sociopath.
The sociopath’s victim(s) on the other hand, if they can learn from the experience and come to terms that maybe, just maybe they needed the experience to help them grow, then perhaps the whole thing is a blessing in disguise? That’s the way I see it now. Sure, for a long time I wasn’t seeing it this way. But I do now.
After the sociopath has left us destroyed, we deal with the pain, anger, humiliation and sorrow. Then what? We either spend the rest of our lives trying to make something which hardly cares “suffer”, or we used the experience to reinvent ourselves and move on. That’s the sweetest victory of all.
There is also another negative aspect of constantly warning the next victims…that you are not really escaping the toxic hold the sociopath has on you. There is no evolution in this.
Just got back from spath’s mother’s house, and I did confront her about knowing she loaned him the money to get a lawyer to help him lie in court and get way more custody than he deserves. I said I didn’t know what to do with the horrible feelings of betrayal I felt, but I didn’t want to lie or pretend I didn’t know. She said the spath told her I would probably never speak to her again, but he was wrong! She really didn’t know the whole sordid story. She said he’d convinced everyone, including her, that he was a changed man, to which I replied “Well then why didn’t he tell the truth in court and accept the consequences of his actions?” She couldn’t answer that. I laid out everything he lied about in great detail. I told her I knew about the new girlfriend (who he meant online, natch) and that he violated his promise to the court not to involve a new woman in my ds’ life for at least six months after all the previous affairs he exposed him to. He had lied to her about that, too – claiming she hadn’t met my son when he’s been talking about her to me for over a month, and there were actually pictures of my son on her website from April. (He admitted in the discovery papers that he was in a “committed relationship” with her. That’s how I knew for sure) She kept asking questions, and more and more lies were revealed. She knows he abused his first wife, too. She really didn’t know about all of the abuse towards me. Funny how he didn’t mention any of that. She begged me to have some sort of relationship with him (“friendship”), and I said the only way I could heal was to be no contact with him. I said if he was willing to admit to the court that he had lied, admit he was abusive to us, and enroll himself in a batterer’s prevention class, I might entertain the notion. Of course I know he’ll never do any of those things, but it seemed to ease her mind that I had not completely written it off. Ball’s in his court.
I know all of this could be used against me. I know he will lie, just as he’s lied to everyone. But it was good to get it off my chest. He’d set up so many barriers between me and his family. This was literally the first honest conversation I’ve had with her in 5 years, and the first time she really heard the truth. I kept my cool throughout. She is pretty upset about new girlfriend being in my ds’ life, and wants to talk to him about that. I’m prepared for him to fly off the handle, because heaven forbid he doesn’t completely get his way in anything.
I hope this wasn’t a mistake. I’m just so tired of keeping his secrets and allowing him to malign me to everyone after all he put me through. I was the one who lost everything trying to make him love me when he’s just not capable of any real feelings. I don’t expect anything will be made right. I’ve learned better than to get attached to any outcome. I do feel better for clearing the air. We’ll see what happens.