As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Free:
The only way I see this coming back, is for him to ‘claim’ your harassing his family.
Spath tried this with me…….never flew, but nonetheless…..an attempt.
In early separation, I was in contact with his step mother……I wanted to know the ‘truth’ about WHY they ‘never’ liked me……she said….well….we were wondering why you didn’t like us? Spath told SM and his father along with me….each didn’t like or want anything to do with…and werent’ welcome in eachs homes…..so we all fell for it and stayed away….. SPLITTING!
I wanted the truth…..and we both got it. I also got so many more answers and cleared up everything….I don’t regret these numerous 4 hour conversations on the phone.
I will caution you…….please do NOT develop or renew a ‘love’ for her….because she WILL continue to betray you….it’s her son and she won’t jump ship from him….she may be open with you now….but once her son is around, he WILL bulldoze her and win her over. It’s just the way it is. He ‘needs’ ‘team’ support and mom is an easy one, because she WANTS to believe her son……
This is the point spath needs to declare us crazy. We become mentally ill when we start exposing them…..ya know? So expect that one…..
Please dont share anything you don’t want ‘out’. Collect info….don’t give any ‘private’ feelings which could lead spath to more abuse of you…..
Understand this.
I’m glad you feel better……I remember ‘clearing’ the air with my MIL. It did feel good…..but it didn’t feel good when spaths brother told her that if she continued to speak to me…..HE would cut her off…..
I’ts the rollercoaster which jumps it’s tracks everytime…..
MIL didn’t outright cut me off…..but she tried the justification of well…..I just won’t call her….but i’ll talk to her if she calls me……to cover her ass.
I caught on….and when she told me about spaths brothers comments to me…..I told her…..well then, what do YOU want….
Now….I havn’t had a convo with her in a year or more…..she doesn’t respond to my Mothers day email…..even thought I sent her pics of ‘other’ kids in ski suits….because I was sure she was going to pass those right along to spath…..so I sent some strangers kids….and not mine…so spath couldn’t identify my kids ski outfits if he stalked them on the ski hill again. 🙂 BAAAAD EB….. 🙂
Anyhow…..You can always spath-back at him and deny or twist this conversation and put more heat on mommy by him…..she won’t like that…..undermine him right back!!!
Dear Free, I totally agree with ErinB, you cannot trust that his relatives will have any loyalty to you. In fact, it is a good thing to keep your mouth shut to anyoone who even might carry what you said back to him.
BELIEVE ME, I learned this the HARD WAY—-more than once!
((((((hugs)))))) and God bless.
Will the psychos’s next victim believe you? Probably not,
remember the psycho turns everything around, and suddenly
you are the abuser.
You are the sick one, not them.
I think that once you get rid of your psycho, the farther away
you are the better it is. No contact with psycho or next victim
My psycho had her next victim call me and tell me off, and then she put a restraining order on me.
My life was pretty good, I had a decent job, I was doing ok
and then I met Mrs. Wonderful,
the mask fell off quickly, Mrs Wonderful became Psycho Bitch
My life became a living hell, it took a lot to get rid of this demon,
I can hardly wait for my psycho to screw her next victim
it’s coming,
I hope she gets it really good.
Usually I’m very nice, and I don’t like to hurt anyone,
but both the psycho and her new victim screwed me,
so may they both rot in hell.
Today, here on earth..
My advice close the fricken door and run, do not get involved
its not worth it, you might end up opening Pandoras box.
Dear Imfree,
QUOTE: “you might end up opening Pandora’s Box”
TRUE!!!! IMO Anytime we give narcissistic injury to the Ps, they will retaliate if they are able at all. They don’t just voluntarily sneak or crawl away.
As for your X and their new victim, it is not uncommon for a psychopath to hook up with another psychopath, and the result can get very very BAD.
While warning others is a “nice” thing to do, what are we going to do, set up and keep following the P so we can warn his/her new victims forever? Nah, that actually rents them space in our head, In order to heal, IMHO we need to forget about them if possible, and following them around even with information I think can trigger US, and hurt them little if any.
Imfree, {{gentle hugs}}. My experience in dealing with spaths has been that the desire for “payback” is 100% normal and an essential step on the healing path. ACTING upon that impulse, however, becomes a very dicey emotional, moral, and ethical issue.
On the one hand, the spaths have truly earned our vengeance. They have caused such deep and traumatic damage that they deserve some payback.
On the other hand, exacting vengeance to satisfy our injured psyche puts us at nearly the same low level as the spath.
The one mantra that I still have to repeat (sometimes, out loud) is: what goes around will come back around.
Warning possible victims seems reasonable, but would they listen to us or pass us off as being the crazy bitch/bastard that we’ve been described to be? My dad tried to warn me by asking, “Are you SURE this is what you want?” before I married the ex spath. He didn’t take it a single step further, but he threw that simple question out there and I ignored the depth of the query.
Brightest blessings!
imfree says: “Will the psychos’s next victim believe you? Probably not”
Indeed. Why waste any more energy on these creatures than we already have. Warning the next victim is a recipe for further misery and frustration. Also, you are not really moving on from the sociopath. Warning the world about sociopaths in general is much more productive, than a personal vendatta against one sociopath which only fuses your conciousness with the sociopath for longer than is healthy.
I think a lot of women have been brainwashed to an extent by the media to look for revenge agianst men. You see it in popular culture from stupid songs about getting even, to endless scenes in stupid TV shows and movies were the girlfriend/wife trashes the guy’s apartment while “Sisters Are Doing it For Themselves” plays in the background. Is this kind of pop culture vendatta which in most cases is written by men who work in TV, a healthy and meaningful approach? Just because some TV star was paid to act in a scene like this, or some moron pop star sings a song about it, does it mean we have to emulate it?
All I see through this whole discussion are people who can not move on the sociopath experience in a personal sense. They want revenge. Revenge is OK to point, but once it becomes an endless obsession the sociopath has a tighter grip on you due to the fact you are giving the creature energy you need for yourself.
They way I see it the recovery from the sociopath goes like this:
SHOCK AND HORROR – ANGER – REVENGE – RECONSILIATION – MATURITY – RECOVERY and PERSONAL GROWTH
The concept with warning the next victim is that the next victim won’t be the last victim of the sociopath. The sociopaths just move on and find new targets? So what is the point – spend the rest of your life warning endless victims? You’ll only go mental looking for a “sweet revenge” that almost never happens and you never get to the RECOVERY and PERSONAL GROWTH stage.
Forget what TV and Pop Culture has programmed into your head and learn to think for yourself without emulating something Hollywood invented. Move on and let the cards fall as they may. Karma and natural law will take care fo the sociopath in time. Your job is to look after yourself.
Ugh. I know y’all are right. Did everyone see me asking for advice about it and didn’t get any??? 😉 Why oh why do I act on my instincts. I’ve been doing very good with the no-contact thing with HIM. Ignoring his off-topic e-mails with their subtle jabs. I do have to deal with the mom a lot. That’s where we do the exchanges.
So what should I do – call her back and tell her to forget ever speaking to me?? Won’t that make me sound “crazier”? Refuse to engage further? Ugh ugh ugh. I saw “restraining order” and remembered how much I hate getting those. After the ex revealed his 2 year affair with a woman I caught him with 3 TIMES and he lied about it, I called her number and demanded an apology. That’s it. Very nice and polite… but I did say that she NEEDED to apologize to me. Guess what? No she didn’t! I got served, we went to court and the judge dismissed it fortunately. The ex spath was standing with me, and the judge totally called him out…. “You DO realize that you are the reason these two nice women are standing here today, right?”
Also – it’s kind of difficult to “move on” when you’ve got a kid together. Believe me if I didn’t I would have moved several states away to get away from him! I’ve got our permanent parenting plan hearing in December. There is no “revenge” I could take if I wanted to. Aside from little annoyances here and there, he’s been compliant so far. It actually sucks that his behavior is so good, because naturally he’s going to get pretty close to joint custody. He can maintain for long periods of time before he starts “the game” with his victims.
Let the cards fall, I guess. All I did was talk to his mom. Obviously it will go no further than this.
Free:
Don’t have any regrets about ANYTHING…..none of us can undo the past……
But just realize….to every ‘action’ there is a ‘reaction’.
It’s about predicting behaviors and moves……in protecting oursleves.
I would keep smiling to ‘mother’ at drop offs……and change topic to childs activities or new recipes you’ve tried…..and if she digs for info…..provide false info to head her off or divert subject….stub your toe and need a bandaid etc….
We do things we learn from…..some ‘work’ some don’t…..
DEFINATELY DO NOT RETRACT ANYTHING!!!!
But if spath calls you out on this convo…..twist it, deny some of things, and pull a counter spath on him….MAKE HIM THE CRAZY ONE. it’s none of his business.
But expect mom to betray what your expectations are…..tha’t’s for sure!!!
If he’s a decent father to Jr….then Jr. deserves a relationship with daddy. If he’s abusive to Jr. Then fight for your baby.
Keep it about Jr and his relationship with his parents….not him and you.
Separate the two….compartmentalize YOUR relationship with him……..
You are not an ax murderer…..you are not a stalker, you are not crazy……keep your head up and go with your GUT!!!
Freemama, {{Hugs}} When children are involved, it is (IMHO) imperative to let the attorney and court do the talking. Even when delivering a child for visitation, no discussion, no eye contact, no acknowledgment of the spath, at all. This includes discussions with the children ABOUT the spath. All answers to all questions should be reduced to this one, simple response, “Those issues are between your mother/father and me and they do not involve you, at all.”
The Family Courts are full of spathic collateral damage and most judges are either tired of hearing it, or they are not aware of anything other than The Law. Thank goodness your Judge set the blame squarely on the shoulders of the spath where it belonged!
EB is spot-on: NO RETRACTIONS.
As former victims, we have a continuous NEED to explain ourselves and our actions. Where children are concerned, they are not mature enough to PROCESS adult issues.
If there’s someone else involved with the spath games, leave them OUT of the loop. They will be in the same place that you’ve been in, at some point. We cannot force these people to be accountable for their active or passive participation with the SPATH GAMES. They are just as much victims as we once were, but they have NO business in MY business. Regardless of whether it’s brother, sister, mother, father, or Catch of the Day, they are not involved in the issues between ME and the SPATH.
Brightest blessings.