As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
I tried to privatly and tactfully warn her new victim. I went as far as to outright say that though he may not see it yet, keep my warning in the back of his mind for future reference. Well, she got a copy and presented it to the courts to prove I am a nut job. I’m still glad I tried to warn him, but it has caused alot of grief that I did..so be very careful.
In my case I tried to warn my ex’s new victim about his pathological lying once in person and once on the phone almost a year ago. I didn’t know then just how deep his problems are. Since we share a child together and I have to deal with him every day I sought out ways for myself to deal with him and in doing so learned he is a sociopath. After being branded a harrasser and nothing but a “lying bitch” by my ex’s new victim I know that trying to talk to her is out of the question. At this point I am finding myself glad that my ex choose someone like her to victimize. At least I won’t be feeling bad for her when she finally realizes him for who he really is.
Juanita4, LOL
Way to go: great attitude. lol
In many if not MOST cases you will not be believed, and even if you are, to warn off more FUTURE victims for the next 20-30 years means you have to devote your life to following your X-P and renting him space in your head.
What’s the point?
It is the RARE person like Donna who can internationally out her X-P when they do something that can be EASILY PROVEN like falsify military records and which cause others to take notice.
OK he falsified his college diploma, who cares? His boss? A zillion vets and patriots care when military honors are falsified. So Donna “got lucky” there.
So he cheated you financially, so who cares? YOU is about it.
Most people who have not been abused by a P 1) donb’t know what a P is, 2)don’t want to know cause it is scary 3) don’t really care about other’s troubles. (You should have been smarter you know, THEY would never let that happen to them) because somehow you sort of brought this on yourself. You just should have had better sense and been more careful.
Complaining about a Psychopath is sort of like an old biddy like me, complaining to a young vigorous and healthy 20 year old about my deafness, my eyes being bad, my back hurting, my arthritis, etc. NOT GONNA HAPPEN TO ME, they think, because they CANNOT RELATE to “gettin’ old”—–but they’ll get it sooner or later! LOL Now about that arthritis…….
LOL, Oxy, you have a great sense of humor. Good comparison too. I think my P actually might have landed himself a woman who is a P – if so, I cheer for her. She’s a royal Bi*** So, if she gets one over him, I’d be collecting emotional restitution. Yet, my child is now exposed to two P’s. I can only hope for God’s protection.
I’ve been reading these over. So many are about male psychopaths. Mine is a woman. All the best advice boils down to NO CONTACT. I my case I have to deal with her every 3 days for child visitation exchanges. There is a court order in place that eliminates all talking, but she comes ready for arguements. We have been ordered in to co-parenting counseling until the counselor cancells. It is a nightmare, sitting there being probed for information to spin lies in her defamation campaign. She cleaned out alot of my money, but now our child is of issue. It’s been a huge battle. So now we are ordered into a custodial psychological evaluation..Yahoo!!! But it may never happen…and my son and I suffer along as she gets her green card and lots of money from her new husband. Any hints out there to help a psychopath get caught in a custody evaluation? Your experience are appreiated. I ear the evaluator will belive her and make me out as the nut job…
YES!!! Please try to warn the next victim! I WAS the “next victim” one year ago. I was warned, but the person lied- so I wouldn’t listen to her after hearing that.
I began seeing someone who worked in an establishment I frequented every week for 20 years. He had been there for 5. I spent one year in what I refer to as “The Text Message Relationship” with him. It, as usual, started out quite innocently, and we were very much “in love”.
Almost from the beginning, he stood me up for dates. Nearly every single one of them. That should have sent me running, but you KNOW how it is…
He warned me at week 4 that his last relationship ended because she had been getting calls from someone who said he was sleeping with other women, and she confronted him. He said “she had such low self-esteem that she believed it”.
He told me that if it happened to me, he didn’t want it to “affect our relationship”. I assured him I was stronger than that…
Long story short, I got a call… Different message. Said he was “married and his wife was 8 months pregnant”. This was not true, and so I discounted it and she hung up on me.
He suspected a co-worker, and was quite angry- to the point of “wanting to kill her” and he told me he “wanted to hit her”… Yes- Red Flags.
I warned her and had a trace put on the phone. Got one call, and never heard a thing from the police. After the trace expired, the calls continued- all year.
I had no cell phone for several years (no signal from the house- work from home), but after I got a cheap TracFone, we communicated exclusively through TMs.
I was treated with the usual stuff- lending money, being ignored, the predatory stare, insults, wanting nothing but sex- and always on his terms, etc., and being “dumped” (coldly and then being treated as if I had never existed) on several occasions. After the last time, I did my research and came to the conclusion that he has nearly every single one of the Sociopathic Tendencies.
I put the trace back on the phone and discovered that it is his Ex Ex who has been calling. Now I want to talk to her to find out why. I am in the process of pressing charges against her, but will not if she will simply explain herself.
Like most everyone else, I simply want answers and closure to this horrible, hurtful episode in my life.
Yes, please try to warn the next victim. They may not listen at first, but they will thank you later if you do it honestly, and with good intentions. I know I will thank her if she will respond to my message.
Dear OakieEd,
AHHHHHHHH the old “Marry american, have a child and you have him in your clutches forever” trick!!!!!!! That’s smart alec answer, but I’ve known tooooooo many wolmen who pulled it off.
I feel sorry for some of the conditions these women were escaping, but so far I have only seen women who were psychopaths who had the guts to play that LONG CON JOB and gtet here, get6 the baby born before they showed their true colors.
Two psychopaths or at least a p and a borderline PD is a frequent hook up with FIREWORKS shows soon afterwwards.
Good ridance, ED, no matter what it cost you, you got to BEST END OF THE DEAL, hang in there and count your blessings!!!! ((((Hugs)))))
I REALLY need someone to talk to because I’m really freaking out right now!!!!
I’m really scared right now because I think I’m about to become a target all over again. Last year when my ex spath’s wife found out about us, she threatened to take me down. She forced me out of the hospital where I was working by blackmailing me. It was my second job and I needed it to help with the paycut cuz I was going to the police academy. We were both working at that same hospital even though I was there first. I haven’t heard from either one of them since last August and I thought I was done with them. After she threatened me, I had to change my phone number, email and I moved as well.
I JUST FOUND OUT TODAY THAT SHE IS NOW A NEW EMPLOYEE AT MY CURRENT JOB. SHE LEFT THE OTHER ONE AND CAME HERE!!!!! Once again, she is in a position of power and I’m not. My coworkers are mean and evil enough without her telling EVERYONE what happened with me and her spath husband. I am SO scared that she is going to start this drama up all over again. I need to stay at this job until I can get my weight down to go in the army or back to the police academy. I do not want to go work EVERYDAY and stress about running into her or having to talk to her on the phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!