As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Gettingit:
It is fantastic when we see the ‘getit’ in the kids!!!!!
It gives me great pleasure when my kids speak aobut Cluster B signs witht their friends and others…..educating others about what took me 40 years to learn!!!
Hopefully……this info will give them a leg up!!
Good going!
Thanks ya’ll. I’m getting ready for work and making myself beautiful. I’m SO glad I got the new hairdo last week because it made me feel more confident. I am going to just make sure that I look awesome everyday when I go to work. When he was trying to persuade her to come back to him, he told her a bunch of lies to make it seem like I was never very important to him. Her told that I wasn’t very attractive and that I looked like a man. NOT. Big fat lie-and he admitted that in August when we last spoke. He told me that he would tell her whatever lie he had to so she would take him back. One of my biggest fears is accidentally seeing him. Part of his routine is picking her up at work for dinner in the evening. He would leave my house, talk on the phone with me til he got to her work and go eat with her. Then after he dropped her to get her car. We would talk on the phone while he was driving home and we would text all night until he went to bed.
I DO NOT want to run into him or them together, until I am in that police uniform-then I will be the most confident. I will be feeling so awesome then. I just really hope we don’t cross paths at all. I have no desire to see her. I don’t know if she’s an spath as well, but there’s something wrong with her.
Like him, she’s all about money and status and she plays the victim very well. She let him BUY her back after he left me and I later found that I was the fourth documented woman that he did this with and she let him back in each time. There is something seriously wrong with that-I’m just sayin!!
Hi everyone,
I’m new to this site. My story will be posted here soon, I think, but in the meantime I have a question. I was the ‘Other Woman,’ unknowingly (although there were always red flags). He told me he was in an open relationship, but when his words didn’t match his actions, I decided to send an e-mail to break it off. I get an e-mail back from his girlfriend of over ten years telling me that she loves him (he told me they were together primarily to share the cost of living) and that our ‘friends with benefits’ relationship never happened, because if it did, “he would have told me.” I never responded to her, and I sent him another e-mail telling him I would not contact him again and that I expect the same from him.
The sexual relationship only lasted three months, but I witnessed enough strange behavior in that time to think that he is a psychopath. Most distressing, I think he used the ‘wounded bird’ routine to make me hate his girlfriend, and I did, for a while. However, I think she is the victim. At the very least, she is being used, manipulated, and emotionally abused. I have followed the No Contact rule, but I feel that in a way by being silent I am protecting him. I don’t think he could physically harm anyone, he’s too passive for that, but there is always the risk. His girlfriend told me his sister works at a local university, which I confirmed. I thought about contacting her, because his girlfriend will not want to hear from me, and maybe the sister (whom I’ve never met) will be able to talk to the girlfriend, but I’m pretty sure he may have ‘warned’ his sister about me. I’m not sure what to do. Do I stay silent and hope his girlfriend sees the light, and risk her or someone else getting hurt, or do I try to contact someone, and risk getting called ‘crazy’ or even have someone call the police? Warning others seems to have mixed results. At the very least, I want to contact his girlfriend and tell her that I’m sorry I hated her, and that I wish her the best. I knew both of them through work, and I never thought she was a bad person before I got involved with him.
Thanks,
Heather
Heather, I tried to contact my EXs newest victim. They are really good at hovering over their prey, grabbing the mail, phone calls and screening what they want the latest victim to see/hear. They are good at distancing their victims from family/friends of both parties (his and hers). You can try speaking with his sister, but, I am sure, he has her wrapped around his fingers too and he will use the excuse that you are “just” a disgruntle EX. They “our EXs” have perfected their craft of sliminess over the years. They’ve been manipulating others since childhood. It’s not a new thing to them.
Besides, most people will not or can not hear what you have to say when their heart is involved.
Just pray for her. That’s all you can do.
And stay NO CONTACT with him or anyone involved with him. This is for your own sanity. No matter how low you caught him doing, you haven’t witnessed anything yet … they will and can go lower than low the next time around… and there is always a next time.
They are the snakes of the world, that sliver on their bellies through life.
Peace and welcome to the club!
Thanks Wini,
I don’t think it’s a club any of us want to be in, but it’s good to know we’re not alone. I think I’m starting to realize that I have to look after myself first, and by having any sort of contact with anyone involved with him, I am not caring for myself. Of course, every time I think that, I immediately think of Scott and Laci Peterson…
I worry about his girlfriend more and more. I think she is fairly isolated. She has contact with her (not well) parents, but she shares the same friends with the psychopath. She can’t drive, she doesn’t take public transit, she doesn’t even walk very much because she is obese and not well herself. I hope something will change for her, for the better. But unless something drastic happens, I’m sticking to the No Contact rule, for him and everyone around him.
I’m also beginning to wonder if they target us (kind, compassionate people) because they know we have a conscience, and they know we want to tell everyone what really happened, but that just gives them an opportunity to work their black magic to make us look crazy and dangerous, and they get to play the victim, their favorite role.
I read on another thread about a theory which suggests that very sensitive people are more likely to be ensnared by a psychopath, I’m inclined to agree. Some people warned me about him, but I thought maybe they were just looking at the surface, so I tried to get to know him better, but there is only surface with these people. My sensitivity wanted me to look deeper, to see the kind, sweet man he really is, but I never found him. If you think you’re highly sensitive, you might want to check out Dr. Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Person. Thanks again!
I was warned by his last girlfriend, but he was very good at his profession of deceit and manipulation. He spent months making her look like a raving jealous lunatic, including evidence of hateful e-mails, etc. So, when she contacted me, I completely dismissed her e-mails.
After he conned me and left me in ruins, I found myself checking up on him through FaceBook and noticed him starting to pray on a woman who was a domestic violence victim. I was horrified thinking that he might do the same thing to this very fragile woman! Guess what happened when I tried to warn her? After he made extreme efforts to make me look crazy on FaceBook, she dismissed me just like I had dismissed his last girlfriend. It haunts me every moment of everyday.
Heather – I really hear what you’re saying! I think as compassionate people (and therefore easy targets), it’s natural for us to want to warn others. That poor girl! I think of my own situation, where my ex spath cheated on me for two years with a girl who was told we were “just two people who have a kid together”. She bought it completely, and was satisfied with her “friends with benefits” status. When I kicked him out, he dumped her immediately. Not so fun anymore when it’s on the sly. When he told me of the affair, I looked up her number on our phone records and called her for an entire day, leaving messages demanding an apology from her for her own sake, as what she did was, in my opinion at the time, a HORRIBLE thing. She ended up trying to get a restraining order against me, which was dropped because I clearly never threatened her, and I never contacted her again after that day. I keep hoping that one day she will contact me with that apology, but only so I can tell her I understand what really happened, and it really wasn’t her fault. We were both very decieved and undeniably hurt, and blamed the wrong person. It was still wrong what she did, but I know now the lies he told her must have been very convincing despite the obvious evidence to the contrary (like buying a home together… that didn’t tip her off?? Really?
Anyhoo – I’m not giving advice, just saying I understand. How devastated she would feel to know the truth, and how much she will blame YOU for it before she ever thinks of blaming him! Not sure that’s a position you want to put yourself in. It’s a shame, though. As we all know, we just don’t get the years we wasted trapped in their web back. For some of us – especially those with kids – they should have been the best years of our lives! Sociopaths will never care one bit about taking that away from us and moving on to the next victim.
I can’t believe it. I was so stooopid. I started feeling sorry for “her”, the ex-GF, stalker. I’m so hurt now. I thought all that pain was behind me.
My first post here was the 28th of June, where I stated that Yes, please warn the next victim. Now I think the past victim, the Ex Ex, (who stalked me for a year) was a sociopath. As I mentioned Monday night, the police came by and said that they would call her and try to get the two of us together to “talk”. I thought we could “help each other”… I thought she was also a “victim”…
Police called me this morning and said he finally got a hold of her. She was coming up here to “drop off a guy’s wallet that he had left there last night”. I didn’t have to think too long to figure out who that might be. What I didn’t count on was that he would go with her to the police station.
She claimed that he had been living with her “90% of the time”. (He told me he was single— I’d been to his apartment MANY times…I still don’t believe it.) She didn’t want to talk to me- in fact she requested that I never contact her (after over 100 calls in the past year to ME), now she was trying to paint me as a stalker if I tried to contact her.
I told the police that since she won’t talk, I want to press charges. Two things that made me feel slightly better were that 1) Since S/P was considered to be “living with her” he would also be charged with stalking. (At least I get a little bit of “the last laugh” here… even if it is only for the two to get their names in the paper…) 2) Policeman was actually STUNNED that my S/P would leave ME and go back to THAT. He couldn’t even say HER. He was astounded. Said she looked OLD and ROUGH… (Like, over 60— and he’s 33!!!) I’m thinking drugs???
Anyway, I am just trying not to cry too much. It makes me think that they were just targeting me to get money, and when that didn’t happen, he “dropped me”. Well, he got some money… but not what they were hoping to get. I’m totally devastated.
I really did hold out that last little thread of hope that he loved me once and that things changed…or he did. But now I have to face the reality that I was never considered a human being by either of them.
I confronted him in the store today to tell him that he did a stupid thing (I KNOW, but I was SOOO MAD) and he just said, “Get away from me lady,” as if I was some crazy freak. I saw him a couple other times, and the last time I just stared him down. For a fleeting second there, I saw that puppy-dog look in his eyes, but I am so not going back there.
Thought about leaving here when I sell (If), and then thought Hell No!!! The police are doing a thorough background check on BOTH of them (small town, big difference in socioeconomic situations) so I HOPE they find SOMETHING.
How dumb can one be? I think he was giving her an alibi, and that there is some other reason for his “being there for her”. He certainly wasn’t living with her… OH hell… who really knows? I just want to get on with my life and get rid of this carp.
It is just so painful. LIE LIE LIE… A year ago I accused him of being a liar and a cheat…he made me feel so guilty, I spent three months apologizing… Now I see that my instincts were correct. I just let his “hurt feelings” get in my way of reality…
Ahhh, what is reality anyway??? Dammnation……………
sagee – anymore contact from them you document. and you have to find a way to not engage – because it will mess you up. his lies, her lies, it’s ALL LIES.
in the beggining we cant’ afford to wonder what was lie, what wasn’t – ’cause that kind of thinking belongs in relationsips – even shitty ones – that are NOT disordered. that kind of thinking DOESN’T apply here. you need to get that to get unhooked.
it IS painful – horribly horribly so. but you see the lies they are spreading already – the gaslighting. what you need to do is NOT consider THEM HUMAN. swithc everything back to you and what you think and feel – it’s the way most of us get free.
it’s great that the police are interested. help them in any way that you can.
keep writing.
SageeGirl, the first N I dated after my divorce had many women calling me after we broke up (for good). This went on for years until I moved and he no longer had my number. What did the jerk do? He then these women my work number. Good grief. There phone calls went on for years … and I’m sure they are going on to this day (LOL).
Long story short … most of these women are just “normal” folks going through the roller coaster ride with an N. They have no clue what we know … that these folks CAN’T change. I had women that were constantly after me. One women would put 3 penny sized nails against my tires. When I’d back up to drive out of the drive way … of course the nails pierced my tires. She then found my new home and took sand paper to the paint job on my car. I suspect she was the person who broke into the trunk of my car and stole thousands of dollars worth of shoes I was bringing to the shoe repair shop when I got the chance. Her obsession with my EX was off the wall, to say the least.
Just feel compassion for them because:
1. They have yet to find their way to this site … to learn the truth … and eventually heal.
2. If they don’t find this site or read any of the materials out there about “these” kind of people they can go years on that roller coaster ride with buckets of tears to shed which doesn’t sound good in any of our thoughts.
3. Who on this site would ever want to be back in that horror stage when the rug is pulled out from under you and you are trying to get your balance (aka the initial shock of it all)?
P.S. I remember seeing my EX years later and I asked him to answer this one question I had … “how do you get women to call another woman and act like this”. All he said was “it’s easy”.
Basically, just be glad you are on the path to healing.
Peace.