As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
One Step, you are right. I am attributing human qualities to them, and in turn, consciences and souls… Things they do not possess. I was so afraid that he would turn on his ex for being the stalker…instead he was right there at her side at the police station. WTH??? I expected HER there—not HIM… She said they had been “seeing each other off and on for 12 years”… He told me they “split up and she went back to SC and she stayed here”…LIAR.
I have been past her house (it’s right on the main road to their town- can’t miss it), but NEVER saw his truck there. I think he/they are doing things that are not legal… He’s MUCH too worried about “being found out” than he would be if he were simply seeing someone else.
Gaslighting— WOW! How different it is when you are the focus! It’s easy to watch the movie and want to warn Ingrid Bergman, and then love her final scene. But we never get that final “screw you” moment…that’s why I took the few seconds to tell him that he did a stupid thing: by stating that he also “lived” in the house from where the stalking originated, he implicated himself, and he would also have to be charged! Ha! The police told me that they have three different birth dates and several names so far! HA!
Wini- I hope that woman had to have the shoes repaired before she wore them! Yikes- I can’t imagine all those calls. At least I know what to do now…
The police have been very understanding- at least they know how vulnerable I feel. (Thanks small towns with no violent crime!) He told me that he was going to find out everything he could about their past. He said he wouldn’t be surprised if they “ran”…
The troubling thing about this woman is that she had him believing that his co-worker was doing the stalking on not only me, but my predecessor. (His ex before me). He was so mad that he “wanted to kill her”, and he told his boss that he felt like hitting her. He had the most intense HATRED for her it was scary. When I began to question this, he started to turn on me… I guess I was pulling out his little rug…
This is what I tried doing back in May, and I thought I was doing really well- until today. I will let the police do their jobs now and try to keep to myself.
“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. A little while and the wicked will be no more…but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for He knows their day is coming.” Psalm 37
sagee – we wouldn’t be here is ‘they’ we like us.
you are right, weird carp going on there. and right in butting out and in documenting and reporting!
My x-spath is a 36 year-old gay male who is HIV+ and has a taste for younger guys, much younger. He uses multiple profile names with slightly different details. 5’8″ in some, 5’9″ in others. One has pictures of his otherwise unspectacular chest shaved smooth. Another profile says his chest is hairy. One has a “central city” location, another the “south end.” I only know those where he uses his correct age, but he changes his birth month. Sometimes he says he smokes and drinks, sometimes no to both. The only consistency is that he cannot spell very well.
One says “safe sex only” but he has an x-tube profile showing his favorite porn video to be one depicting “bareback” sex. In addition, he has an active profile on a “bareback” porn site. There, his “favorites” include a movies entitled “Poz Messy Hole” and “36 Year-old F***KS 18 Year-old Boy.”
Regarding drugs, he always says no but drill deep and one of his profile questions says he likes to use drugs to enhance sex. In addition, one of his Facebook friends is a 22-year old piece of white trash who, one his Facebook page, has links to his profiles on various gay dating sites. On these gay sites, the 22-year old openly advertises his likes for unsafe sex and crystal meth.
I know my x-spath is a heavy drinker. Given what I know now, I am certain he is a drug user as well. Alcohol, drugs, unsafe sex and HIV are a dangerous combination. Add in that x-spath is slight, charming and soft-spoken chills me. Even though I had visual evidence in his appearance that he is HIV+, it never struck me until after the fact since he does not on the surface seem to be the promiscuous type
Part of me wants to post all his various profile names sites such as Truedater.com and other similar sites and also wants to post a couple of general warnings on those dating sites he frequents. However, I will not do any posting. One, it violates my NC rule. Two, since each of the dating profile names he uses is the same as one the porn sites, I hope that those looking to meet him are wise enough to perform some Googling.
Most import, I feel that some of the obsessions that seem to inevitably result from dealing with a sociopath come from our desire to now control their behavior. Nothing I can say or do will control him, as he is a sociopath. The more distance, the better I am.
While I have concern regarding the spread of HIV to innocents, I need to draw a line there too, as there are better people to spend my time and energy trying to help than those willing to take drugs and engage in unsafe sex.
Therefore, unless the “innocent” is well known to you personally, somebody you care about, avoid any warning. They probably won’t believe you anyway.
bbe – ‘not the promiscuous type’. while there is a direct link between promiscuity and HIV (the law of averages), there is not a link direct between a lack of promiscuity and safety from HIV. Sex, one time, of the right nature – either unprotected or with failed barriers and we are infected.
We really have to take this notion of a (real) lack of promiscuity out of our appraisal of who is ‘safe’ in terms of STD transmission..
One Step;
Your comment regarding HIV is quite accurate. An individual need not be promiscuous to become HIV positive, just unlucky. This was the case for a guy I dated last summer. He was in a relationship with a guy who did not reveal his positive status. Sex was always safe, but the condom broke. I cannot imagine the pain of not only becoming HIV+, but also learning your partner was not completely honest with you.
My x-spath indicated that he had his “kid in a candy shop days” but in reference to his past. I should have pressed him more on the present, but at that time I had no idea of the wolf in sheep’s clothing I was dating. Clearly now, my x-spath not only was promiscuous in his past but continues to be so in the present.
I keep thinking back to Lisa Scott’s “12 Characteristics of Psychopaths/ Sociopaths.” The Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde sociopath “…portrays false integrity…” I have talked about how on our third date he stormed out of a very nice restaurant because I “insulted his british reservedness” by asking him back to my apartment.
There was also an online chat where he continued to play the false integrity game. His chat name was “jvirginwright.” I joked to him that I needed know more about the virgin part. When he said “I guess technically part of me is a virgin,” I misinterpreted the meaning. Only after an awkward discussion (me not wanting to insult him again), did I realize he only meant that he had never been with a woman. Not only is he hardly a “virgin” from that gay perspective, he is actually obsessed with that kind of sex, particularly if it is unsafe.
Too bad most come here after the fact, because bizarre behavior and false integrity is an important early warning sign of a sociopath. If I knew what I know now, after that awkward chat I would have ended it.
Also according to Lisa Scott, a type of the “Promiscuous Psychopath” withholds sex or affection. She does not explain why. Now, I don’t care why. I only thank God sex was withheld from me.
Sitting here now, I cannot reiterate enough how completely unbelievable this entire experience has been. In some ways, I feel like the guy who had a date with Jeffrey Dahmer but got away. On second thought, I really didn’t get away, as this my x-sociopath is an emotional murderer.
HIV is more rampant in the straight world now adays, specially with older people..it’s the people who dont know they have it that spread it the most,,BehindBlueEyes would you have dated him if he had told you up front that he was positive?
hens;
Yes, I would have dated him. I dated an HIV+ guy after the x-sociopath. Actually, I believe it is safer to date an individual known to be HIV+ than the random hookups I was doing.
When you are with an HIV+, you know you need to be safe. Safe need not be boring, unless you are into bareback sex. As long as an HIV+ individual keeps taking his medication and his viral load remains undetectable, any other activity can be engaged without fear. Even if something happens like a broken condom, if the viral load is low you probably are not going to seroconvert and you know to immediately seek post-exposure prophylaxis.
The question is whether I would have continued to date him knowing his perverse sexual tastes.
I am sure somewhere in England there is a young council lad willing to date a kinky, fading, HIV+ flight attendant.
PS “council lad” is British slang for young white trash…
we just call em white trash over here..council lad would be a compliment.
Council lad isn’t quite the same as white trash b_b_e. I’m an ex council girl so I have to stick up for them. 🙂 We lived in a council house (inexpensive to rent, from the local authority) when we were younger. Decent folk but with not much money — because dad was a blue-collar worker — in the 60s and 70s. We don’t have council houses now, but Housing Assocation houses instead, for people who don’t earn a high income, can’t afford a mortgage or to rent privately (the prices are sky-high here). The people who live in them aren’t all trash. Some are and some aren’t. And some are on welfare and some work.
‘Chav’ is a word often used for trashy people here nowadays.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chav
verity;
My sincerest appology for my ignorance. Chav is more accurate.