As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
Regarding sociopath’s being constantly busted and discovered, I think that it comes from their inability to plan ahead, their inability to integrate small pieces of information into one piece, it comes from their chronic irresponsibility and their deattachment (if I get busted I just move on to another victim). My ex even lies to her own mom.
I agree with Liane, blood relatives must be the ones who should warn, but it can never happen because it takes SO MUCH courage from the mother/farther to admit to themselves that their kid is psychopath. All parents are prone to those fake hopes, that one day their kid will get better…
Thank you soo much for this site. It has helped my put my experience into perspective and made me a better therapist, much better…
As for warning…I did warn the next victim. I wrote a very clear and concise letter telling her what happened to me and that I wanted to let her know. I’m sure he has already tapped her for money. How much, I’m not sure. But he is handsome, “caring” and really good at this. As a matter of fact, he is currently doing time in Chino State prison for fraud after defrauding me and my friends out of several million dollars.
I never heard back from the next girlfriend/victim. I have the feeling that she just couldn’t face the possibility that I was right because she has probably already fallen into his trap. She had plenty to loose, too. I happen to know that she had a home from a previous marriage, along with other assets. She’s a very nice person…just like myself. I pray for her.
On our site we do exposes on cyberpaths. In the right hand margin under the heading EXPOSE THEM! there is a whole list of places to post your sociopath’s information.
Then all you have to say to the perspective victim is “do yourself a favor and google him”
Be ready for the tired ole’ “she’s a scorned woman” defense. And when you post them, make the information so general they may not know its from you. If you can link to court or jail information already online about them – that’s a plus.
After living 15 years with a socio-psycho, having been warned in the beginning, not listening myself, and now seeing his continued behavior even after jail time, a year of freedom and now back in jail, I wanted so desperately to clue these other people in. I came to realize that in most instances you’re not taken seriously, how could such a great, generous, loving……you name the adjective, be such a bad person, how could he really be like that, you are a woman scorned…..
I’ll offer information if asked, and like the comment posted by Fighter, just tell them to google the con, see what’s out there.
It’s not made national news, but our local news is having a grandiose time with the latest victims and particpants of my ex’s last esccapade…I’m just so glad that I was not a part of it, that I had already been freed from this relationship.
I warned. One heeded after a while, but perhaps she was more astute and didn’t buy into his crap. The others went right to him and said oh honey, look at these awful things being said about you. There were comments on a website from many women this man had decieved. Did she listen. No. She stood by his side thinking their amazing connection (after 2 weeks) was true, soul matched love. You see, she was already hooked and bought his lies about how it was the other crazy women who were full spite, no doubt.
But I felt compelled to do my civic duty on behalf of womanhood. I did not want to punish him or get back. I wanted to put it out in the universe because maybe, if someone had warned me I would not have had to experience the soul torturing hell of life with a narcissist/socio and the unbearable difficult healing…the lost time. The crushed spirit. I wanted to spare another soul. But they don’t listen. Would you? Would you really when you’re in the throws of the charm phase? Did you even listen to your own inner voice when the red flags appeared? neither did I. So why would anyone listen to a stranger. The bitter ex no less.
Yes, deep down we all fear she will be the one he truly loves. Well, you were once that woman to the one who preceded you. And looked what happened. It will happen again, but once he knows his current victim has been warned, he is like a virus and will mutate his agenda and game to be even better at it next time. So truth is, we might actually be facilitating his sickness onto another by helping him evolve to an even higher level of deception.
It just goes to show that these predators can always find the wounded zebra in the herd. And there are so many, we were once one too.
I would say, from experience, trying to warn just keeps you in the sick game. And it never works.
Shouldn’t you still try to warn women if the man has been convicted of felony domestic violence and multiple counts of misdemeanor injury to children? The man I was involved with had these convictions before I met him (he said he hit his wife by accident and he really hadn’t hurt the children any more than that a lot of other people who had unintentionally put their children in harm’s way – the conviction for the injury to the children was the result of a jury trial), and while I was with him, he was charged with a felony assault of a police officer – he later pleaded guilty to the charge. He also had been accused of molesting step-children from two different marriages (though charged, he was never convicted). Also, the breaking point in our relationship was when he broke into my home, raped me and during the whole ordeal, he repeatedly threatened to hit me, mutilate me and kill me. I did file a police report but nothing has been done. I briefly posted him on dontdatehimgirl.com but removed the posting after he contacted me and called me names, asked why I would hurt him like that, etc. The counselor I’ve been going to, who met with him and I together before this happened believes he is a psychopath, in part because of his violent past but also because he said he didn’t see what the big deal was – he was just being mean and he would have really never hurt me. I’ll never know because I complied with every sexual demand he made and eventually got free and ran out of my house without my clothes on to get help. That night, based upon his violent past and the look in his eyes when he alternately yelled at me or coldly told me he was going to slit me open, I believed I would be dead that night if I didn’t get away.
I have thought of reposting him. I only found about his past in bits and pieces. He has a sister whom I talked to when I first was going out with him. She would only tell me, if anything, he had a drinking problem. I do not count on her to warn anyone about her brother’s violent nature and that he is a full blown alcoholic. She told me a lot more toward the end of out relationship and only after I was finding out for myself he had a lot more issues than just a drinking problem.
I and others believe unless he gets help – which he says he doesn’t need, he will do this again to another woman and maybe even kill her. It hasn’t been an easy decision as to how much effort I should make to warn others and still be safe.
I don’t think it does a bit of good to warn anyone. It just fuels the fire. Somehow that other person pulled a psychopath to them – maybe it is something they have to learn about, too.
My mother married a psychopath who did finally murder her. She had been warned by his 3rd ex wife. Nobody could have talked her out of being with the guy. It was like some final destination for them both, a downward spiral, sort of like that movie “War of the Roses”.
I ended up raising their daughter (my 1/2 sister) with no help from her father and was glad to do it – that was 30 years ago and it all turned out fine in the end, it really did. With everyone the wiser for it. (He ended up dying a toothless bum in some seedy hotel)
I think this topic is very important and ought to be discussed more.
I personally don’t think there’s any broadly correct answer to it. I think it depends… on many things, and every situation should be considered on its own.
Sure, I think one has a certain moral obligation to attempt to warn someone else of danger, if it doesn’t put the warner in danger, of course.
BUT. That the danger could come from the person you are warning!
I think people who are setting out to warn someone else should probably decide whether they’re healed from the situation enough to handle the potential reactions of the person they’re warning.
It can be emotionally devastating to have someone verbally cut you down because they think the sociopath is the cat’s pajamas… They may call you the scorned woman making up lies, accuse you of being jealous, or launch any number of verbal attacks against you… though it’s actually against the unacceptable information you’re attempting to report, and they just don’t want to hear.
And the danger could be worse. I have heard of women who committed criminal acts against ex-girlfriends of their new lover… thinking all the while that they were right & just, and that these exes deserve to pay… because the guy convinced them of it.
So in some cases, I think it’s more important to keep your own sanity, dignity, emotional stability, and certainly your own well-being, than to stick your neck out to warn other people.
Specific other people.
Instead of that, I generally spread the word about the tactics of sociopaths & narcissists when the opportunities present, and the person is actually interested, with anyone I know or meet if it’s appropriate or timely.
For example, I don’t go out of my way to try and educate people against their will. That’s just wrong, of course.
But if someone starts talking on the topic of strange or inappropriate behavior of people, or liars, or things of that nature, I will relate the interesting and useful things I’ve learned about sociopaths and narcissists from the books I’ve read.
If someone has one in their life, they usually ask me for full information on the books I’m talking about, and I give it to them. At least 2 people I know of have bought “The Sociopath Next Door” after the topic came up casually and I recommended it.
Maybe I don’t have the time, energy, or desire to go follow around the disturbed individuals I’ve known over the years, to try and warn the people they’re preying on these days…
But I know I’ve done the right thing, and continue to do the right thing.
And maybe it’s helped somebody. Even if it was somebody hurt by someone I don’t know from adam.
And therefore I do it without stepping personally into the active co-dependent cesspool that whirls & orbits around sociopaths, narcissists, and the like.
Because besides, I’ve found when I step into that quagmire, I wind up being hurt more than I’ve been helpful. I don’t go there unless I’m pretty sure the good will WELL outweigh the potential ill. The cost/benefit ratio just really sucks in that pond usually.
Been there, done that – and the result was horrible.
As mentioned in the article, it could very well be perceived that you are a bitter, disgruntled ex… and that was exactly how his current victim viewed me.
Always keep in mind that they have ‘planned’ out their deception with current victims and/or future victims – they have already ‘sold’ them that you are ‘crazy’, ‘unstable’ and that you may well attempt to contact them to ‘slander’ them. They have already told them horrible stories of you, embellished with exaggerations and out-right lies… it’s called a ‘smear campaign’… and they definitely WILL Use your disclosures to criticize, blame, or discount you.
He did that to me – described his ex’s as ‘nut jobs’ and even gave specific examples.
In response to my warning to current victim – she said she ‘knows all’ – including my ‘horrible’ emails, etc… Of course, when I learned the truth of what was REALLY going on my emails were ‘horrible’ (found out that while he was proclaiming his exclusive devotion and commitment to me and actively planning our marriage, that he was cheating on me behind my back with not only THIS person; but another as well). Who in their right mind would react kindly to such emotional abuse, lies and outright deception!
It is beyond my comprehension how people can believe what someone says soley on ‘face value’ and in blind faith without finding out the whole story – myself, I am guilty of the same exact behavior… I did this very same thing with exN. Learned a HUGE lesson there – if all of your ex’s are ‘crazy’, ‘obsessive’ and/or ‘delusional’ … what on earth attracted you to them in the first place?? If they weren’t ‘nutty’ BEFORE you… what exactly makes them so NOW? Definitely worth investigation b/d *sometimes* just sometimes if everyone in your wake is ‘crazy’… sometimes it’s NOT everyone else!
Take it from me – sometimes warning current victims IS NOT worth it. They are already ‘sold’ (just remember back to that time when you were ‘sold’ – would you have believed anything negative an ex told you??) For me, all it did was allow him to injure me ONE MORE TIME.
loux2,
I agree with you totally. I did learn this lesson years ago when I was very young and my “very first love” (READ: crush and infatuation) turned out to be a player. I was just crushed and I went to my “big brother” (a close male friend who was my parent’s age) and sobbed out my story of pain and betrayal and he smiled and said, “I knew” and I screamed at him, “WHY didn’t you tell me.?” He looked at me and smiled and said, “Would you have believed me?”
It took me a minute to realize that HE WAS RIGHT. I WOULD NOT HAVE BELIEVED HIM.
Years later when I was working in student health at a nice little liberal arts college one of the student’s I had become friends with (and who had formerly been dating a girl I thought was personality disordered) came tome and told me he had broken up with her, etc etc ya da ya da. I said someting about I am glad that you are doing well, and I think you might find a more suitable partner and that (said casually) “I didn’t think you and she would be suitable” and he said “WHY didn’t you tell me?” and I smiled, as my friend had done 40 years previously and said “Would you have believed me?”
The very sharp young man thought a minute with his head cocked to the side and then smiled and said “Nah, I don’t guess I would have.”
My step dad, a school teacher, was very adept at “reading people” and when I would come home with a new friend (male or female) with whom I was “enchanted” sometimes he would tell me later, very casually, and quietly. “Hon, she/he won’t do” and I of course knew better and what a great kid they were —-and he was NEVER wrong. And I never believed him until afterwards….he never said “I told you so” (for which I bless him, but he HAD TOLD ME)
And, to his credit, he never fell for my P-son’s “repentence” but he didn’t badger me about my “beliefs” in my son’s repentence. He was already deceased when I dated my P-BF but I have no doubt that if he had met him, he would have seen right through him.
I wish now that I had asked him WHAT he saw in these people that were RED FLAGS for him, it didn’t take much though, because he didn’t have to be around them more than a time or two to make his judgment that “they wouldn’t do.”
He might not have even been able to put a “name” on what he saw, but some how he did. I have known others that seemed to have some way of picking out the “bad guys” from the good ones, but not as well as he did.
I only give “advice” to people who ask me “what do you think about my new BF/GF?” then I will say an honest (if tactful) answer unless I know that they have a criminal record or something like that, or know that they have outright lied to their new “love”–but, no, I agree with Loux that most people won’t believe you if they have already made up their mind that this is “prince/ss charming.”