As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
I did it!! I warned a potential victim and she took me seriously!!
The S and I are headed to court on Monday. He has a Myspace to promote his music career. He can’t pay child support but he has professional portraits done…a customized car. Sometimes he brags about connections and what not. I am trying to gather the proof anyway I can to verify that he has an income as a music producer…and is earning his living, tax free, doing it.
So I have been doing some covert cyber-snooping. He has 400+ friends and I have looked at everyone of their profiles to find his music clients. Turns out 10 are clients, 430 are ‘fans’.
He has his profile set up saying he lives in Georgia and Beverly Hills. Uh – He lives in San Diego.
So, there was this one girls profile I read..she seemed very sweet and had pictures of her kids and her mom and admitted to living in foster care. And I noticed she was leaving some personal comments on his page…comments that say “I am feeling close to you”. Well, He would delete these comments. So I KNEW she was a potential victim. He lives with a woman now, and he deleted his girlfriends comments too.
So I thought and thought…and finally decided to make an anonymous myspace page and I sent her an e-mail. I spelled it out without making it personal..I sent her the links to what makes a person a sociopath and to Lovefraud. Her first reaction was of course to assume that I was a former girlfriend..or even a current jealous girlfriend…Jealous period…But she remained open minded. She said that they were only talking online and he seemed nice – you know how that goes. I sent his current girlfriends myspace page to her with pictures of them together…So her eyes were opened now. So She sent him an email that said “So do you have a girlfriend” I told her he would avoid answering initially. He responded “Why? Do you want to fill out an application for the position?” And she hunkered down and asked “why didn’t you answer my question?” and he replied “No. Why? Do you want to try for the position?” ANd she was e-mailing me at the same time and I was breaking down what he meant and what he would do next “If you want to get personal, then call me XXX-XXX-XXXX and we can go over it personally. Call me Right Now.” Well, she didn’t call and and she didn’t respond to his emails. So then he starts sending her e-mails “What is wrong with you, what kind of game are you playing? I gave you my number twice and you didn’t call.” Mind you, it has only been 1 or two hours, this all happened this morning. He said” Answer why ur actin all funny? I thought u were cool?? But if u wanna play games.. i’m deleting u as my friend.. Don’t have time 4 bullsht…U got til tomorrow 2 answer.. then i’m pullin ur plugs!
So then he goes into CAPS MODE “YOU ARE A WEIRDO. IF YOU DON’T RESPOND TO ME, I AM DELETING YOU AND YOU WILL HAVE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF FOR PLAYING GAMES” then he went to delete her from his friends and she had already deleted herself and he said “F-ING COWARD!! I SEE YOU ALREADY DELETED YOURSELF BEFORE i COULD DO IT To which she replied “Ah, I see your true colors are coming out, good luck with your career. Take care”
And He replied “No – your true colors are coming out. Mine stay out. So why won’t you call me? wtf? why are you being this way?” He turns back to sweet in mellow in 5 minutes. And that was the end. She got the picture. I was right there schooling her on deception and avoidance tactics and blame shifting and him attempting to make her distrust her instincts….And he showed off just like I knew he would. But I feel so great.
Sadly, there are about 50 other potential victims in his city listed as friends, and 380 in the world that have signed on and agreed to be his friends. There are some that look they don’t have enough self esteem to trust themselves or any other woman.
I just thought about this girl, and her kids, and being a single mother, and having your youth and your beauty and happiness, and I just knew he could rip it away from her. She is a really nice girl from talking to her period, and maybe I made a new friend out of it myself.
Bye for now…
RW
Congrats RW. That is a nice story to read!
To Righteous Woman.
Girl! I share your joy in this! It is scary creeping out on the ledge to help someone but you may have averted disaster.
I have had the pleasure of helping 3 women directly that found me or I found them through CL. Two of them I guess I kind of consider my friends in a weird sort of way. They are wonderful women.
One dated the Bad Man for 5 months and the other was lured to the islands and relocated there in part due to their online conversations… she thought he was the man of her dreams.. sound familiar? She lives on Maui now… in FACT.. in the STRANGEST twist of events, she lives on the same property where I lived with the Bad Man and works for the couple that we rented from at their “center for healing” which I will leave the name out. They are a piece of work too. So this woman has now made contact with three of the darkest characters on Maui. How sad is that?
And every day, she walks in my footsteps, and washes her clothes in the machine where I washed my clothes and works for the tweekers I lived under… and listened to their bizarre arguing.. bizarre in that they were relatioship coaches and they sounded like a couple of third graders fighting… but with bad words.. really bad words.
Anyway, it is powerful when you know your stuff inside and out and you were able to predict your BM’s every move before he did it. I am sure you had that woman’s attention. Tell her that there are probably 50 or so readers that are applauding her right now.. and you RW.
I had the opportunity tonight! I battled inside whether I should say anything or not. He and I just ended in December. I have ended it for four times in two years now. He talks me back in and we go the whole pattern. Well, he always blames me for “probably have some man on the side I’m wanting to see, so I dump him”. It has nothing to do with any man, its been his cheating and lying! I was in love with him the entire time, hurts and all.
Well tonight I went to a concert and who should walk in all touchy, feeling, lovey-dovey.. but him and a woman. A bit later she walked out right past me to the restroom.. so I took a chance and went there too. As luck would have it, we had the sink area to ourselves and I told her I noticed who she was with and as a woman-to-woman I wanted to warn her of what she was getting into.. his treatment of me, and his ex wife of 22 years, and 3 other woman I that have talked to me or I to them about their relationships with him. All the same.. Sociopathic all over it.
She was shocked, she said they’d dated a month now and it seemed sooo very unlike him! I told her that during this time, he will treat you like a queen, you will be so wined and dined and catered to – that you think you found the best guy ever. But give it time, and the sneaky stuff begins..
Anyway – I feel good to have helped her out ( she is pondering it all very deeply. Could see it in her face during the concert) but yet I’m a little afraid of when he finds out. That is the scary part of it, is the S finding out. She was very thankful to me and appreciative. I dont know what she’ll do, but hopefully not go 2 years like I did before she sees it all.
His last girlfriend did me the favor and clued me in. He was actually sleeping with her all along. She didnt know he and I were that serious, she claimed. We were, for 2 years and spent tons of time together. He must have alot of energy for 56. I’m 44 and she’s 45 and how did he manage to live two lives, I’ll never know.
But Wow did it hurt tonight to see someone in “my place”. He took her to see music we used to see, all snuggly and happy as clams. yuck.
The question to warn or not to warn is a tough one. You feel bad if you stand by and watch someone pick up a poison snake. Yet, many times they look at you as “the woman scorned” (which isn’t unreasonable to think in their position). Also many times by the time you get the chance to tell them, they are so deep in the N-fog that they can’t see the truth in what you said, because of the “honeymoon” phase they are in.
If she tells him what you told her (and she may) it may actually provoke him to spite, malice, revenge and/or violence. They never forget a slight and seldom don’t try to get revenge for it. If per chance you do get some potential victim to listen and the P knows it was you that warned them, be on the look out for what they may do to you.
I have tried repeatedly to warn my ex s current victim. She just can’t see past him! I’ve directed her to the information and she’ll tell me that the info doesn’t fit him at all. I keep telling her that she doesn’t know him. She admits that he requires her undivided attention 24/7 but says she doesn’t mind giving it to him. Then, she tell me that it’s stressful for her. I’ve told her that he treated every woman in his past exactly as he treated me. He tells her that he treated me worse than anyone. She believes him–everything he says. She keeps coming back with “he says he REALLY loves me, he says he’s REALLY happy with ME”. It’s all about he says, he says, he says. All I can say is that the poor girl is stupid. He’s already gotten her over $30,000 in debt. He’s told her that he does believe that he has a problem and should probably see a counselor but doesn’t follow through. One minute he tells her that I was good to him and the next minute that I treated him badly and deserved everything he did to me. The girl is so blinded that she can’t even catch his contradictions! And, to be quite honest, she’s a fiesty little thing herself. Plays a lot of games. Flirts with other guys to try to make him jealous, etc. I’m starting to wonder if they aren’t two of a kind! When she told me that everyone thought I was crazy, I finally gave up–decided to just let her learn the hard way. She’ll see who the crazy one is in time!
You are very brave ladies.
So many of my ex’s victims were ‘warned’ (including me) but without a peg to hang stuff on (ie the diagnosis ‘sociopathy’) many of us persisted in feeling sorry for him, persuaded by him and thinking surely NOBODY could be that bad/hard-faced.
After a period of wondering if I should carry on warning potential victims I realised that there were too many of them, that I would end up being seen as having ulterior motives, and that I had to accept that regardless of who I warned that he would find a victim somewhere. I just hoped that it wouldn’t be someone I knew and liked and worked with!
I think that it’s so important for us to educate everyone we know. I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve recommended this site to. The book I’ve been writing is now heavily focused on this sort of message. Even if only my mates get to read it then that’s something!
Good on you two for doing this, as it took real guts – not just because of the the potential of being regarded as ‘scorned’ or the P getting annoyed with you, but the fact that any contact with these monsters brings up all sorts of horrible memories and feelings.
I am new to this group so would like to say hello to you all! I seem to have been totally preoccupied this week with trying to find out about sociopathic behaviour. For thirteen years I have been involved with what I now know is truly dangerous man and has turned out to be one of my worst nighmares, although it would appear that most of you have been involved with men who have taken you for financial gain, I have had the opposite the man I loved has been generous with money, frugal with the truth and a convincing liar, on his journey he has tainted my children, my family and my friends, and I have allowed it to happen. He is a powerful man and is well known in the business world. I now seem to be spending my days and nights asking myself how I could have been so naive, for so long. Initially he chose to target me when I was at my most vulnerable, my health and marriage were in tatters, I was an attractive victim, he claimed to be, unhappy, mistreated, misundertood, unwanted, bottom of the pile etc…. I finally divorced my husband and life although tough was good, my children were happy and accepted him into their hearts he became their good friend. Little did I realise that all the time he was leading a triple life. Anyway enough of this, I am in the position of now having finally exposed him and having written him a ‘your game’s up letter’ I hear he is now trying to rekindle his marriage his wife who has turned into a beautiful butterfly since their divorce three years ago she used to be rather dowdy with low self esteem due to being at at home full time Mother of four) is now having a fantastic life, she divorced him for millions however her children and family life mean the world to her, even though she has been humiliated by his actions he has seduced Mothers of his childrens friends, and a myriad of unsuspecting women. I have to somehow let her know and warn her, she is not a stupid woman and must know some of his history.. but not all, I could say let them get on with it but I do know what his ulteria motive is and it certainly isn’t because he loves her, it’s all about power and fortune because she has what he thinks is his and doesn’t want another man to have HER or HIS money. Unfortunately he did have a very deprived childhood this may be what has contributed to his phyche but he is never the less dangerous in every way… any advise would be gratefully received.
Dear V.abraded,
I read your other post about not knowing how to move forward. I assumed you were still entangled with this man, now I am not so sure what your actual situation is.
As far as warning his x-wife, my opinion for what it is worth, and not knowing the details etc, would be that you need to concentrate on YOU right now. She knows him if they lived together for so long, and if she is reenteraining a relationship with him now, I would be willing to bet that she knows a great deal of his behavioral history. If they have only been divorced for three years and you have been in a relationship with him for 13 years, I would be willing to bet that she would only see you as a scorned woman.
My advise to you in all aspects of your life is get free of this man, and take care of yourself. Get whatever help you can and support you can from your friends and read and learn about sociopaths/psychopaths. God bless you and help your healing. ((hugs)))
Dear OxDrover He was so adept at convincing me and so many others that he had an open marriage, he even employed a close friend of mine as his PA and involved her with his family affairs and she confirmed that they did have a dysfunctional relationship albeit created by him. this man for all his wealth is so convincing, he tells such a sad story. I have so much to tell his wife, which involved his children in an extremely manipulative sick way.Yes he is dangerous, but only because of his influencial position, I have doubted myself for so long and totally forgotten who I am, with the I will love you forever scenario. I also realise that the letter I sent him could send him over the edge and without being dramatic I am fearful and know I maybe shouldn’t have done it but for my own sanity felt he had to be exposed, even now I am battling with the thought that he may be the one in the right and that it is me.. but deep down I know that isn’t the case and have to come to terms with it