As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
V.abraded, you may have allowed him to treat you that way, but you do not deserve to be treated that way. He is NOT right to treat you poorly or to use you. Don’t doubt that. Say it over and over if you must, “I deserve to be treated well” “he does NOT treat me well.”
We have all allowed them for some period of time to treat us poorly because we wanted to believe that they loved us, but they cannot love.
You believed a lie. That does not make you bad. Now that you know the truth, there are still consequences for having believed the lie, but you can recover now that you know the TRUTH. You can heal. You can get away from him. Godspeed.
I totally agree. His ex wife has to know what he is capable of. I spent 8 years with my s and is girlfriend of 2 months wouldn’t listen to me–only to his lies. And, yes, I understand because I got caught up in his lies when people tried to warn me about him. There’s only so much we can do, and we can drive ourselves nuts trying. I’ve finally cut off all communication with the girlfriend because communicating with her about him only kept his mistreatment of me on my mind. I want to forget about him and move on. Now, that I’ve accepted that he is a very sick man and that I did nothing to deserve his treatment, I am SO very thankful that he is no longer a part of my life. Communicating with the girlfriend just kept him in my life. I cleanse myself of his filth and had to give up on her to do it.
Good morning all –
V.Abraded – I spent 20 (’85-’05)years tangled up in a non committed relationship with a sociopath. He is my son’s father, and for a multitude of honest reasons, I didn’t start to untangle myself until year 17(2002)…then it took 3 more years to get the “spider-webs” off of me. Now, after 23-years, I am looking back and I am like ‘well, that was all for nothing.’
Since we were uncommitted, I dated men (looking for someone to save me). Meanwhile, he lived with 7 other women + me at one point, from 88 -present. And each relationship he had was as worthless to him as the next. He cheated on all of them…with me…and god knows how many other women. Meanwhile, these women loved him, some saw a future with him. A couple wised up quickly. There were some I ended up talking to…None of them walked straight away. They were living together and in too deep…Now, over the course of ‘our’ lifetime, I have talked to somewhere around 15 women that he was casually dating or living with. The majority of the remaining 8 headed directly for the exit. The ones that were living with him…he had it all worked out what he would say about me; after all, he had been through this with me before, and there was ammunition in that alone to make me an unreliable source of information. There is a brick wall outside, I wanted it to change colors…Well, it got painted…that is more than I can say for the women that lived with him.
All of the women that previously lived with him that I have spoken to, all have the same story. They asked him to move out, they wanted a break up: but he convinced them he would do better, do right, shamed them, and ended up with a ‘stay’ on his eviction. Little did any of them know, he was already working on his next victim. And he slowly, but surely moved into the next victims house, and out of theirs…and didn’t even bother to tell the previous victim. They were going out of their minds, wondering what part of the earth he had fallen off of? Where was he sleeping? Why didn’t he come home? They became little investigators and found out that he had moved into another womans home. Why didn’t he tell them? Because that would have given them closure, and he needed to make sure that door was open in case he wanted to come back.
When I was reading about the ex-wife, V.abraded, I was picturing this web from a similar spider. My S wasn’t a money taker from me (not to say that there was never money provided stupidly), so, in that sense..I always felt I was treated better (LOL). But he has WITHHELD 40k in child support…anyway, that is neither here nor there. Back to the ex wife. Warning her? You can’t warn someone who has studied the leopard already. You can have a woman to woman chat with her. Call and ask for an opportunity to talk with her, apologize for your part in whatever hurt you caused her. And have the discussion based on closure for yourself…not on jealousy. They may not have ANYTHING going, he could have lied to you about her willingness to take him back. You could inform her of the actions about the children. Bury that hatchet and work together. She is healing too..she looks great and now HAS A SELF ESTEEM, because the person who was telling her she was worthless is NOT a MAJOR FACTOR in her life. With a sociopath, there are always several things you don’t know. They use diversion and manipulation…and you are still in very deep, emotionally. He will never give you the closure you need. You have to make your own closure…just like when there is a sudden death from car accident or airplane crash…that is the kind of loss you are experiencing, except your ‘dead’ one is coming back and picking at your scabs.
Sounds like you have started to take some steps forward, keep on that path. Pick up the phone, or have her mutual friend do it (That is how I became friends with my sons,sisters, mother, the kids are 9 months and 7 days apart in age, do the math, and you can figure the sum of the hurt). You never know, you may find someone who strengthens you. She is NOT everything he ever told you. She is probably not even a quarter of the things he told you. He is a LIAR. Everything he says is a lie and serves some ulterior motive. EVERYTHING. There is always a game in play. Settling down and having a wife, is to serve some other purpose, not because he wants to be settled down.
I will be curious to know what you decide and the actions you took to implement the beginning of this part of your healing process….Keep us “Posted”.
RW
Thank you all so much for your comments and input, have spent the day mooning about (British Time!) taken my sweet dog out and generally felt sorry for myself, why is it that when the sun goes down thoughts turn to that complete waster? One thing I didn’t mention is that for the past year he has been impotent, and I even blame that on myself although I know he is taking various drugs for his heart condition and have looked them up and yes impotence is a side effect… so the thoughts and blame go around and around making me feel less and less like a woman, but I know I am not unattractive apart from scowling at every man I come into contact with .It all reads like a really bad novel, a ball of string, however hard you pull the end the ball becomes tighter. Part of me feels sorry for him because he has made such a complete hash of his life, regardless of money and power he really doesn’t have anything tangible in his life, and even buys his childrens affection with generous allowances, none of them has ever worked, all public school educated, and one of his sons was sent home for bullying and drugs, he almost found that funny and wasn’t in the least embarrassed by having to visit the headmaster, and yes I did make the comment to him that I hoped his children hadn’t inherited his traits. He spends his time with people who don’t know him flies around in high circles, I’m glad I haven’t got to see him again because quite honestly I think I would smack his veneered teeth down his throat, but that is the anger in me it has to go somewhere so I put it into words. One day maybe I will see the funny side because there really has to be one? Take care all of you
Impotent? – Awesome! – That is as good as having it fall off!!!
Don’t blame yourself for anything he feels, wants, needs, desires or lacks. Think about what You FEEL, WANT, NEED, DESIRE AND LACK. And don’t have it have anything to do with him. S/N do the blame game so well..and plant it in your mind…like farmer that drops seeds onto the soil…simple as that. You are not a pile of dirt. A good con man can turn anything into your fault…just remember, if not for him chasing after you in the first place, and the 1st lie and the second lie and so on…YOU wouldn’t be in this situation…Not your fault…HIS fault. Don’t take responsibility for anything for him.
I wish you well…Have a beautiful evening –
RW
LOL! The girlfriend that I’ve tried so hard to warn says that my ex S is having ED problems so she’s not really worried about him cheating on her! Yeah, right….then she says that she can’t even brush her teeth for him copping feels! Boy, Can I ever relate to that. The two must surely deserve each other!
Hm, I would think it would be humbling for a sociopath to have to admit to being impotent. Being “Mr. Big Shot,” seems to include big studly sexual prowess. The xs told me that he was struggling with the same thing. Only it seems that he just wanted me to stop pestering him. For the 3 yrs he said he was impotent, he was sexually assaulting my daughter. The ED was just another ruse.
While a sociopath unable to perform is a pleasant notion, I wouldn’t just take their word for it.
Oh yes…I meant to comment on the lying aspect of the impotence thing and it slipped my mind…How right you are..It was probably a big fat lie.
I often wondered why my S was often impotent- and in the beginning I atributed it to being 56 and having some heart/circulation problems, but often it entered my mind that between having an active sexual relationship with me and how much did he cheat on the side to the point that by the time we were together in the week, he was worn out already. By the end of our relationship I could pretty much be sure he was using up all his energy burning the candle at both ends. So ya, who knows if an S is actually impotent or not. The answer is a big secret, along with everything else.
And the questions go around and around.. regarding impotence… it would be interesting if the phychologists could answer this one, not sure how this site works and whether there are any professionals who read it? And guess the other scary thing is the S/Ps who read the site too, could we be feeding their egotistical sick minds.. I am sure the ones of greater intelligence have the ability to manipulate the norm, which probably makes them even more dangerous. Have to leave this subject because it goes around and around. I think we should have a thread which could make some of us laugh, because amongst all of the grief and heartache we must have some funny stories to share? I know I have a few! So what do you think