As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
v.abraded:
I was amazed the first time my S’s (former) best friend (of whom he “stole” $130,000) first told me he was a Sociopath. It was so incredible to tick off every item on that list, and think “that is him!!” And the Trickster checklist was the same. Amazing how they are so alike.
Roller Coaster of emotions is an apt description. I am attaching a poem I wrote some months ago, but have never given to him:
My Heart
My heart was broken quite in two,
Without any thanks to you.
It was damaged from the start,
And then you chose for us to part.
I trusted and believed in you,
We danced the dance that lovers do.
Life twisted, turned, was out of control–
Like a roller coaster on a spiral roll.
The faith I had in you was destroyed,
For with my heart you played and toyed.
You could not honest and truthful be–
You killed the love that I had in me.
Through trials, turmoil, hurt and pain,
Out of the sunshine had come the rain.
It had drenched me, dampened my soul
Like a nasty, blistering, festering boil.
But out of the darkness has come the light
I’m blessed with wisdom and foresight.
My eyes opened; I see you as you truly are.
You are not a bright and shining star.
My friends have surrounded me with love,
And I have had help from God up above.
Each day will be better than the day before,
Thanks for leaving and opening that door.
Peggy Pseu
11/25/07
Please stay away. I know from personal experience that there is a very strong pull just to see them/talk to them/be with them one more time…but then they are winning. Then they still have the upper hand of manipulation, control, and lies. Time and distance will heal you.
Loving, nurturing, caring, and intelligent women seem to seek someone to “help” or “save”. Hence they use our humanness, our kindness and the intrinsic goodness in our characters against us.
Don’t walk away…run…and never look back. Life with a sociopath is, in fact, nothing but “smoke and mirrors”. There is nothing real there. And there are no happy endings.
An alalogy I use is a beautiful, detailed, profiled gold coin, very shiny and beautiful on one side…and the cheapest molten metal on the other, where the features and character are indistinguishable. This, to me, is a Sociopath. They present beauty and light, but in fact are nothing but cheap, molten metal. There is nothing of beauty or substance in them.
Blessings to you all.
“Peggy Pseu”… a pseudynm
One other thing that Aloha referenced and I have found to be true is this:
Sociopaths are cowards.
They like to bully, but often it is bullying from a distance… i.e., bullying behind a lawyer, bullying behind the phone, or bullying via words on the internet. My Sociopath would not allow me “closure” or to confront him with the truth. He could not face looking me in the eye, even though he had left some things at my home that he badly wanted. He’s a big, buff, bodybuilder type of guy and he has no “balls”. Of course he will not admit to anything, because it is always someone else’s fault.
I find the cowardly part of their personalities fascinating (as with the abandonment of children and the lack of dreaming).
Have you other ladies experienced this cowardice?
Cowards… Yes, I experienced this with the Bad Man. He was arriving at my house once to start in on me and when a friend of mine pulled up at the same time, he turned tail and was out of there. Of course, they only like to be abusive psychos in private. It’s more fun that was because it makes it hard to prove that such a nice man on the outside is such a monster on the inside.
Also, sometimes when Bad Man was bombarding me with his psycho emails for days, the only way to make it stop was to show up at his doorstep. He would open the door and have this bad little boy look on his face. It was the strangest thing.
The B/M left his first wife and ran away to New York to make his fortune, he hated it because when he spoke of his eldest son ( first marriage) he told me that didn’t have any confidence his son is now 34, he didn’t like my reply that it must be hard for him to live under the cloud of 4 spoilt public school brats from second marriage who had everything (but reflect only material), but you know what the first son is the best because he wasn’t influenced by his Father other than flying visits when he returned to England. Sadly his daughter (by first marriage) has been tainted with money, yes he has bought her and now hates her Mother much to the joy of B/M I had to listen to his sob stories about how his first wife mentally abused him and actually felt sorry for him, although now realise that he was using reverse physcology on me, he also told me that his second wife tricked him into having four children… reading article it turns out that sociopaths actually encourage their wives to have children because it keeps them at home… I gain great strength from knowing that he is really a very sick man, and yes it is a mental illness with a physical sickness you have evidence, with a mental illness you don’t but I do think they probably suffer when they are alone with their thoughts. He used to bury himself in the Times crosswords su duko anything just as long as he didn’t have to look me in the eye, I thought it was pressure of work and would cluck around him making meals, making sure he was okay.. my God have I wasted some time. The support he gave me financially whilst I am trying to start my own business has ended upbruptly (suprise!), so yet another problem to sort but hey it’s only money Sod him and all who sail in him!!
Cowardice! Oh yes! He is the biggest wuss that I’ve ever known. He acts like a frightened paranoid 10 year old! He will not come and collect his belongings, either! He tells his girlfriend that he doesn’t want me to scream at him! LOL! I’ve NEVER raised my voice to the man–not eve when he was leaving me for her! I’ll tell you one reason that I believe they are such cowards: they are guilty of SO much–sleeping with other men’s wives, hitting on them and even their young daughters. I think they are totally paranoid because they fear that someone might just do them harm any second! They know how evil they are and how much they upset and anger others with their actions! My ex s tells his girlfriend that I’m crazy and would like to kill him! His ass aint worth killing and certainly not worth anymore punishment to myself! Yes, they are ALL cowards. I even read this somewhere else!
I’ll tell you ladies who are concerned about the next victim something I learned. I tried repeatedly for months to warn the 29 year old that my ex left me for about him–all the while she was spending her money like crazy and going in debt for him beyond her means. It seemed that he could talk her into anything–she’s caught up in his fantasy world. She’d tell me how his attention needs drove her crazy, then she’d tell me that she didn’t mind focusing all her energy on him–very confused girl. She’d talk about him, agree with me and then when I’d asked her why she didn’t remove herself, she’d get all defensive of him. I finally lost totally patience and said EVERYTHING about him in the most negative way possible and then told her that she was pretty much an idiot. I, then, cut off all communication with her. And you know what? I’m finally moving past the whole mess! I think releasing the anger and the absolute hate I feel for him needed to be gotten out of my system. I certainly gave her something to think about. The seed is definitely planted deeply in her mind–the rest is now up to her. I’ve washed my hands of it. I think most of these new victims just have to learn the same way that we did. We cannot possibly compete with a sociopath’s lies and tactics.
peggy whoever; what do you mean when you say lack of dreaming in the sociopath, just curious as i havent heard this one before but i am sure its true. can you explain. thanks.
I certainly wish that someone had warned me… and I could not in good conscience not warn any possible victims.
My story appears under the Case Histories here, and when I learned that the X was dating a 56 year old widow, a friend of mine sent a copy of the story to a friend of the new girlfriend. The lady broke off the relationship by telling him that he had a ‘bad reputation’ and that she didn’t want to be victimized like the others.
So, thanks to my story being published here, someone was saved the misfortune I had. Apparently, the story and the link to this site got wide distribution in X’s hometown and his ‘bad reputation’ was exposed.
My advice to others is that even an anonymous letter may plant a seed of doubt. We can’t save everyone, but for some a word of warning can accomplish much.
I think Louise’s story is a fine example of exposing the P, however, the results (or lack of resultls actually) that Tami got seems in my experience more the “norm.” The down side of “trying for months” as I see it is that it keeps you “in the loop” with them, rather than focusing on your own healing.
I tried franticly, drove myself “crazy” trying to warn and protect my own mother from my P-son and his plot to kill me, and I assume her as well for the proceeds of our family trust. We aren’t wealthy but we had our lands and homes placed in a trust before my husband died and my step dad died, to protect them from my DIL and as a “spend thrift” stop.
Though I had all the hard evidence, my mother refused to listen because by then she was so deep into the fog with them and also because they had told her horrible stories about me. Plus, factor in her enabling (and I wonder if many of the victims we are trying to warn aren’t trying to “save” this poor man from people like us)
I was warned about a P boss I went to work or, I didn’t listen.
I was warned about abusiness associate P, didn’t listen then either.
No time that I have ever tried to warn anyone have they listened. The only thing my franticly trying to warn my mother did was cost me $10,000 in legal fees.
I should have saved myself a lot of grief if I had walked away a long time before and not kept trying to “save” my mother. She didn’t want to be saved. I think many victims are the same way, by the time they are in the fog and fantasy they will fight and scratch to stay there.
When I quit enabling my mother, who had decided she wanted to be my dependent she became frantic and latched on to the fantasy held out by the Ps that they would take care of her, stay with her 24/7 they would be financially dependent on her, and she would be in control and “queen bee”–she didn’t want to hear what I had to say.
IN retrospect, 99% of the crazy and 99% of the fear and pain I caused myself by trying to “warn” and save her—If I had a video tape of them butchering a baby it wouldn’t have made any difference to her. They “offered” what she wanted.
I had a friend who married one last fall. I wanted her before she started dating him that he was a P (4 previous marriages) and even his family couldn’t stomach him. (He was an employee of mine that I eventually fired for “attitude”) She was so desperate to remarry (after her BM left her for her best friend) and he was handsome and “charming” and layed it on thick, that she married him anyway. I didn’t go to the wedding. Her closest friend also sees what he is, but she wouldn’t listen to her either.
I think Louise’s case where a man’s reputation “got out” is unfortunately too rare, so I would pick and choose at the very least how I tried to warn.
Jules:
I read about the lack of dreaming here on Lovefraud, and cannot personally substantiate any “facts” regarding this, although I know my Sociopath did not dream, or dreamed minimally (maybe twice in 3 years). He specifically told me he DID NOT DREAM, and I consulted his ex-wife (he was married to her for 28 years) and she verified this. I wonder what you other ladies have found about this? I would tend to believe it has to do with their brains being wired differently, and their lack of a conscience, i.e., we work out our guilt/problems/fears in our dreams but they, with a lack of conscience, do not have a “need” to do this. But this is purely speculative on my part, I have no research or studies to back this up. Following is the original post regarding this, I hope it’s ok to copy it here, Donna (by the way, Donna, any time I copy something here I get all sorts of weird characters, particularly with using ‘ or ” and have to edit it ). I am also attaching a link to a website regarding white matter in the brain of pathological liars…perhaps someone with more knowledge than I in this area can evaluate if this is a connection.
Peggy Pseu
Swivelchair says:
Hello everyone,
I suppose the self-reporting aspect is the most problematic I mean, these people know how to game the system.
From what I can gather, I think the part of the brain that feels emotion is unplugged. They understand how to use emotion to manipulate others, but they themselves can only imagine what feelings are.
So perhaps the best way to figure out if a person is a psychopath (or sociopath or whatever the proper name is) is to see if they have the capacity to actually feel
emotion, rather than just look like they emotion.
One more thing: “Do you dream?” or “What do you dream about?” may be a question that can determine if someone is a psychopath (sociopath,etc.)
I’m trying to figure out if psychopaths (sociopaths, etc.) dream. There are some old research papers, from about 1980’s, that say that there may be a disconnect between the part of the brain that dreams in the brain stem area and the frontal lobes, which are involved in higher order thinking. There are also papers dealing with alcoholism, and the effect of prolonged alcohol or drugs on the white matter, the neural wiring. that seems to ‘unplug’ the thinking part of the brain from the emotional part of the brain. I thought this was interesting because the brain stem area (the pons or pontine, and what I don’t know about it is alot) is an archaic area involved in base-line, animalistic processing. Like, crying or screaming. The frontal lobes have to do with understanding that other people think things, and fairness, and guilt and complicated thoughts (again, I’m sure there are experts here who can correct, but I think that’s the basics).
So “do you dream?” may be a question that can determine if someone is a psychopath (sociopath, etc.). I’d be interested in anyone’s comments on that one.
http://neurologicalcorrelates.com/wordpress
Sunday, 3 February 2008 @....... 3:40pm
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/01/25/questions-that-best-identify-sociopathy-in-a-person/
“RESULTS: Liars showed a 22-26% increase in prefrontal white matter and a 36-42% reduction in prefrontal grey/white ratios compared with both antisocial controls and normal controls. CONCLUSIONS: These findings provide the first evidence of a structural brain deficitinliars, they implicate the prefrontal cortex as an important (but not sole) component in the neural circuitry underlying lying and provide an initial neurobiological correlate of a deceitful personality.”
PMID: 16199789 [PubMed – indexed for MEDLINE]
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16199789?tool=scanb