As many of us have painfully learned, before sociopaths dump one victim, they usually have already targeted another. In the following letter, a Lovefraud reader asked what she should do about the new victim:
I am finally away from the sociopath, although he still continues to contact me from time to time demanding money. He has a new target—as always, a financially secure woman, vulnerable and he has “given her a shoulder to cry on.” Her father just died, her mother has cancer and she stands to inherit some valuable land and she is already “hooked” thinking that he is “so caring” and “has been there for her and she for him.” He has told her I left him took all his money, etc.—the same story I got 10 years ago.
I’d like to be selfish in this, and just let him wander on to the new target, which means he will leave me entirely alone, but I feel so bad knowing he is going to ruin the life of a naive, vulnerable woman. My predecessor told me she “thanked God every day that I came along,” and part of me wants to do the same and let him “move on,” but I feel somewhere I should warn this woman. Had my predecessor told me everything she eventually told me, things would have been a lot different. I lost everything, including my social standing, my reputation, my integrity and self respect, not to mention my company and all my assets through his wild spending and lying about “business deals” and his abilities.
My question is this: Should I contact the other woman and tell her what I know? Or can I just “mind my own business” and let nature take its course. I wish someone had told me what I was facing.
Try to warn
This is a question I’ve heard many times. Should you warn the next victim?
In my opinion, if you can do it safely, I think you should try.
If you believe the predator fits the description of a sociopath, it may help to describe him or her that way. When people realize there is a personality disorder called sociopathy, and the disorder has distinct symptoms, it may make the warning more effective.
For example, if you said, “the guy (or woman) will cheat on you and take your money,” the next target, having already been told by the predator that you’re a disgruntled lover, may assume that you’re just bitter.
But if you said, “I believe the guy (or woman) is a sociopath, and to learn more about the disorder you should read Lovefraud.com,” maybe the person will go to the Internet, look up the behaviors and then recognize the symptoms.
Will the new victim listen?
The key question, of course, is will the new target heed your warning? We all know how good sociopaths are at flattery, soliciting pity and manipulation. The sociopath has already told the new target about all the terrible things you did to him or her. The sociopath may have the new target partially or totally brainwashed. Your words may or may not get through.
Still, you know what will happen to the new target. You know the pain and devastation the predator will inflict. You know what you’ve been through, and you don’t want to wish it on anyone.
In my view, you should try to prevent another casualty. But what do you think?
Should you try? Do you think the new victim will listen? Did someone try to warn you? Did you listen?
Please post your views on the Lovefraud Blog.
I am in this dilemma now, but I’m avoiding to tell her.
After I got rid of the sociopath, I had two terrible months, obsessed by him, checking his orkut and facebook pages many times a day, couldn’t think about anything else than him, it was a nightmare. but then, I decided to live and for the two next months I found out how good life can be when I feel free and not under constant threat. Never again I looked at his web pages until this week.
I was expecting already what was to come: he found another girlfriend in Brazil and worst: it seems that she is so much like me, not physically, but in interests. I’m truly sorry for her, but if I try to tell her, I would have two reasons and one of them not very nobel: try to save her and try to revenge, spoiling his affair.
To make things worst, yesterday was the first cold day of the year here in South Africa and it brought me so many memories that I couldn’t avoid to miss him, the man I loved, honest and loving, which never existed. It was the first day of the year in which I suffered like this. I actually thought I was free of the suffering related to this, I had just forgotten that never before I had spent winter without him – it’s been 2 years I’m here. Maybe it’s necessary to go through this pain again, so that again I can feel free of all that mad situation.
It’s so unbelievable that these people exist and I’m so glad there are other people here who may understand me.
Yesterday I was decided not to tell this girl, but now, realizing how traumatized I am, I start to think I should try to tell her.
I feel much better now that I wrote what I couldn’t tell anyone here.
Hi peggywhoever, I just saw your commentary, I think we were writing at the same time.
I would like to tell you that the sociopath with whom I was involved told me it was very rare for him to dream and was very bored when I told him my dreams (or anything about my life, actually), it seemed that he didn’t know about dreams… But I may be wrong, as he lied compulsively…
I think your theory is feasible – with my poor psychoanalysis knowledge – that “we work out our guilt/problems/fears in our dreams but they, with a lack of conscience, do not have a “need” to do this.”
I would also like to hear others’ opinions about it.
I don’t know if Swivelchair is still on this site, but if so, can you shed any more light on this lack of dreaming by sociopaths? Or perhaps Dr. Leedam or Dr. Steve?
Also, vmpatricia, I had no success in warning the next victim, as they are in the “love” phase, and she was very disbelieving and hostile (although I suppose this is to be expected as heaven knows what he’s said about me) and she does not know me. I did speak to her about 1/2 an hour, and also spoke to her brother for 10 minutes and he told me a lot of personal information about her (including that he thinks SHE is a sociopath). Heaven help us if two sociopaths unite…then what? I am expecting a figurative train wreck as two greedy, self-centered, controlling people vie for the top position.
She then called the police on me after I contacted her brother (a week after I spoke to her, although neither she nor her brother told me not to contact them…in fact, the brother told me he wanted more information regarding the S). So I wondered if she didn’t want her family to know the defamatory information about her new love? It was somewhat shocking to receive a call from a police officer, and of course I will not contact she nor her brother (or of course the S) again (had only spoken to each of them once). But I hope at least a seed of doubt was planted in their minds, and I explained to both brother and sister, as well as to the officer that I was trying to warn/help her, particularly with finances, and also that he has a history of physical and verbal abuse (including assault) and that if she invests with him, she should hire an attorney so that her fiances are protected. (She is currently, no kidding, buying him a million dollar house with her money down in four months…how foolilsh is this?) He has ripped off people for hundreds of thousands of dollars, and I believe he (sociopath) will be in jail within 2 years for tax evasion/money laundering. I was upset and stunned by these events, but recognize that she is a victim, too, (although she does not yet realize it) and I pray for her. The Sociopath, of course, told her that I want him back (and was saying things about him to break up their relationship). NOT.
He is so conning and manipulative that even a very good friend of mine (for 13 years) who works for him is hesitant to talk to me. This is hurtful. I have proof and can substantiate everything I have told her (tax returns, tax records, financial documents, phone records, testimonials from his former best friend, business partner(s), ex-wife, and sister, etc.) But still he is SO CONVINCING that even my friend doubts me.
vmpatricia, of course he has found a new girlfriend, they cannot stand to be alone for long, and quite probably have one or more women waiting “in the wings” i.e., having emotional or physical affairs while in a relationship. It never ceases to amaze me how similar these stories are, different names, different places, somewhat different events, but the basic theme is the same…it’s almost like there is a “Sociopath manual” that they all consult. It’s frightening.
I also understand how we now question everything they ever said, with the pathological lying. I have figured out that I can take everything my Sociopath ever told me, turn it upside down or flip it 180 degrees, and that is about the truth. Everyone he said “screwed” him is somebody he screwed, everyone he said cheated on him is someone he cheated on, etc. Amazing. And of course, the Sociopaths are always the victim…and we are the crazy, psycho b’s when in reality it is the Sociopaths who are crazy. They have to set the stage for the next victim and are very effective at twisting the truth.
I hope that some good comes of all this, I have endeavored to try to “fix” some of the cruel things he has done, i.e., helping his ex-wife, but he has caused so much hurt, emotional damage, and devastation that one cannot possibly fix it all. His ex-wife has become a very dear friend of mine, and I am now good friends with his (former) best friend.
Sociopathy is a most fascinating study; one I wish we didn’t have to learn about. But alas, here we are.
I have blogged before under another name and written to Dr. Leedom as well about this same topic. Ny X is full blown N. I could tell the next victim had already bought into his lies by some things that happened and wondered if I should warn her before she married him and sold her home to jointly invest in a new one, (as I had done 13 years before). He had conveniently kept she and I separated….afraid she might find out the truth I suppose, including his bisexual escapades that finally forced me to wake up and leave. I’m sure she has heard the standard, “psyco ex” stories as his excuse to her for our not being aquainted.
However, I felt I was watching a sister walking into a mine field and should try…..at least try, even though I am very familiar with the concept of someone “not being ready for help or warning.”
What held me back, however, is that we have 2 children who are, (by divorce court order), still spending time with him. He already uses them, and anything to do with them, expenses, etc., to vent his rage and revenge for my many imagined crimes, which basicly boil down to me escaping (if you can call it that, because, here I am still fighting).
Dr. Leedom’s advise to me was this….”I think the damage that could come to your sons by interfering in the relationship is not worth the minute possibility that you might help someone. She has “visions of sugar plums” here and will reject your councel. Focus on your sons only and leave him and his new relationship to their own misery. Your sons are likely to have to overcome both genetic and environmental risk to be fully the men God meant them to be.”
I took that message to heart and did not send the letter I had prepared for her. I am glad. He’s getting worse and more aggressive as it is and I don’t trust his reaction should his “facade fall away” leaving him emotionally exposed to his “real self”. An N or S with “nothing to lose” is a scary, maybe even lethal, creature indeed.
So, just a reminder, beware for your loved ones if they can’t protect themselves. Remember to the N or the S, not only are you and the new victim THINGS to be used to accomplish his goals, supply N feed, or keep up the facade, (and therefore expendable and replaceable), but so are the innocent children of these parasites/creatures.
Hi peggywhoever, I’m so sorry for the things that happened to you, I know how this feeling of injustice hurts.
More and more, with the experience I had trying to tell others who he is and reading the comments in this website, I realize that there is something really peculiar about how the world is not concerned or interested in this kind of injustice and that in most cases we cannot expect justice regarding these disgraceful situations which we lived. Maybe this is because of two things: – most of the people who know about the existence of such perverse people are the victims of them, the other ones are the psychologists, psychoanalists, psychiatrists etc. – and the other reason might be their skills to manipulate.
The fact is that we have to accept it and try to live apart from it, believing that good men exist, somewhere they might exist!
I’m sorry for my poor English, I don’t know if I made myself understandable.
All the best,
vmpatricia:
Thank you. Everyone at Lovefraud has had injustices, that’s why we’re here…either verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, or soul injustices. But I believe the people here are 1) identifying 2) researching 3) consoling and 4) healing
I believe that the truth will become self-evident. I believe that the truth will surface, and eventually these predators will be exposed for the conniving, manipulative, cruel people they are. And then, of course, they move on.
Ever notice a sociopath doesn’t have much of a past? Just a history of broken relationships…with family members, friends, business associates, spouses or significant others. (Of course, they were always the victim!) So the Sociopaths just take out an eraser every couple of years and start over. New relationship, new friends, new job, new location, new house. It would be interesting to get all of their victims together in the same room!
Of course, Sociopaths are cowards so could never face this….they can only do their treachery in private, because their mask must appear “perfect”. They can’t face the “broken mirror” reflected back at them with their imperfections.
My Sociopath used to say “nobody cares”. Because HE didn’t. I know that there are many genuinely concerned people in the world, but the general consensus is “just get over it” or “move on” because unless someone has had this experience they cannot relate to the heartfelt, bone-chilling, deep and penetrating sense of betrayal. And there is also the sense of folly or foolishness, for allowing yourself to believe the lie. And everything about the Sociopath is a lie.
I do believe that good people exist. I believe that most people are intrinsically good.
Escaped, you have a powerful argument about a P “with nothing to lose”—they can become desperate and more aggressive and dangerous–like a wounded and hungry lion.
I am sorry that you are still having to deal with this man because of your sons and that they too are exposed to such a father.
Dr. Leedom is a wise woman, and she has/is “been there.”
Several of my friends from an online forum warned me about my ex’s behaviors. Due to the fact that my ex was so charming and manipulative, people who liked him said that the women who were trying to warn me were just nuts.
I wished I’d listened to my so called “crazy” friends. After we broke up my ex convinced everyone I was paranoid.
I found out he quickly latched onto another woman. They got married. I have been told his wife is from Indonesia and married him to get a green card.
Even though i would like to drop a hint, I don’t think she would believe me. Plus i don’t know the woman.
What i generally do is advise my friends to read Gift of Fear. I think there are ways to educate folks without putting oneself at too much risk.
What bothers me is my ex is now a father. I worry about what will happen to his daughter. I feel like the situaiton is totally out of my hands. I have decided though if he ever harasses me again I will take some kind of legal action. Sooner or later, his wife will find out he is a liar. When i dated him he commited fruad, vandalism, and had a sense that the rules didn’t apply to him. What bothered me more than anything was he seemed to take pleasure in causing other people pain. I want to believe that he has changed, but I doubt it.
metachosis :
My sociopath, who is nearing 55, seems to have gotten worse with time (in reference to your statement, “I want to believe that he has changed, but I doubt it.” I know this is true because I have had lengthy discussions with his ex-wife (of 28 years) and it has been very insightful.
I have wondered why he stayed with her for so long…he said it was because of the child he was raising (not a biological child and not formally adopted) that was 14. But in 4 years, he has only purchased one gift for this child, and has never made any attempt to see him (he has abandoned 3 sets of children).
The reason I believe he stayed with her is because of the “money”. He owned a home with his wife (which he sold without her knowledge, consent, or signature by the way! How’s that for legal?) and I believe he did not want to give her 1/2 of their joint assets. His ex-wife also had two episodes that frightened me: 1) being hit in the head with heavy equipment that he loaded into their vehicle causing some memory loss and permanent brain damage and 2) an overdose of medicine and guess who medicated her? He left her with no job, no power, no water, and no food. And of course, he had no remorse…only said contemptuous and terrible things about her. He told me his ex-wife was crazy, and I’m sure he’s presently saying the same thing about me. When I called his present girlfriend, that’s exactly what she said, “You want him back, and both of you are crazy” (ex-wife and me).
His (former) best friend also told me he had liaisons with strippers and prostitutes. The sociopath told me he was “close personal friends” with a stripper but nothing happened. Ha.
He subsequently spent 3 years with me, had an affair (lied about of it of course), and now has a woman buying him a million dollar house after only 4 months (her money down, both of their names on the title). His sister (who hasn’t associated with him for 12 years) told me he was a millionaire 12 years ago (NOT). He doesn’t own any property, but gives the illusion he is a multi-millionaire with his grandoise presentation and fancy possessions. He told me his goal was first to be a millionaire by 55 (and that wasn’t going to happen) so then by 60. So, the man who swore he’d never marry again now has an agenda because the woman he is seeing has money in her family. And he wants it.
So, long story short, his greediness and materialism has actually intensified over time, his sickness is getting worse (IMHO). Scary thought that they may get worse, not better, isn’t it?
I also believe they can get worse.
This is what I’m watching right now.
The sociopath who almost destroyed my life found a new girlfriend and I could see on orkut – “Brazilian facebook” – that he wrote for her:
“Love of my life! I just loved that! Don’t worry about the English! It’s beautiful and I love it and you! I’m still working, but I’m almost finished then I’m going to eat something with my brother. Beijinho! Te amo!”
He is fat and flabby, but for being a foreigner lawyer who speaks almost perfect Portuguese, he manages to seduce Brazilian girls.
I was one of them, enchanted by his childish face, although he’s 35 and by his love for animals, classical music and Tintin.
He kept a girlfriend in Brazil since before he met me – I’m a Brazilian living in South Africa – and lied to me all the time, making up with words a character of an honest and loving person, for 16 months. His behavior always said the contrary, that he could enver protect me, love me and make me happy, as I was always waiting for any sign of affection. I started to think that that was what I deserved, that cold person, always acting as being superior than I, as if all the problems I had caused and as if he was perfect.
He never called me “love of my life” and I’m glad that, although he was acting like the “perfect man”, he didn’t really know how to make me happy, maybe he is actually homossexual, I doubt, but I’m afraid it’s going to be even worse with this girl, as he is exaggerating even more in the flattering…
It’s been almost 6 months we went together to Brazil and I found out about who he is. Never before I had such a shock. I suffered for the following two months thinking I wouldn’t survive to that pain, as I couldn’t understand what was happening. Never before I could imagine that people without remorse existed. I always thought people commit these crimes – lying for example – as an impulse and then they regret.
Then, I started to accept that these evil people exist and I suddenly recovered from the pain. This relief lasted more than two months and now that I found out about the new girlfriend, who is so much like me according to what I saw on her orkut page, I don’t know what to do.
Actually, I want to be quiet and see what happens, because if she is really like me, I know exactly what is going to happen. The only difference is that she is in Brazil and he is in South Africa.
I decided I’m only going to contact her if she decides to marry him and destroy her life or when they break up, then, maybe I can gather an army against him, of women who has been abused by this red neck son of a non-respectable old woman, who protects him in his lies, although she’s a christian missionary!
All the best for all of us.