Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Jenna.” At the end, she posts a document written by her sociopathic ex about the price of his soul, which provides a unnerving glimpse into how he truly thinks. Names have been changed.
I have spent the last 18 years dealing with a classic sociopath, a man who lies beyond my wildest imagination. I have come to believe that he isn’t just evil that is too easy an explanation. Evil people can’t help themselves; they can be “born bad.” No, this man chooses to be sadistic and mentally cruel. He can be “nice” when he wants to. He has a now four-year-old granddaughter who adores him and thinks her “Papa” hung the moon. If she ever sees on her own what he is, he will be her first broken heart.
He calculates his moves and sets up his victims over a long period of time — feeding off one woman after another, using the exact same pattern, until they no longer are sating his appetite for whatever it is he hungers for money, respect, ego gratification. I have never met anyone like this before. He enjoys what seems to have been his life’s work. He often said he “didn’t like women or children.” I should have listened.
I met him through work in April 1992. I was 44 years old, attractive and I thought relatively intelligent. My boss knew him from a previous job, considered him an associate, and brought him in to do some computer consulting. Looking back, my first impression was that he was focusing on me, trying to impress me. I should have heeded my bells and listened to my first impressions. He was knowledgeable about everything, charming, and I realize now he talked only about himself, his business plans, his big ideas. Going for lunches developed into a relationship. He was never pushy or all over me just the opposite.
Moves in
He moved in with me on January 2, 1993 after I had broken off with him because I thought he was playing me. I went away that Christmas alone, and when I came home, he was ensconced in my home, with the fireplace burning, two dozen long-stemmed red roses, a bottle of wine and a six-page handwritten letter about what a fool he had been and how much he “loved” me. The fool was me; I let him stay.
I had been on my own for a long time so I tried to establish some beginning boundaries. The first year we were together, he had to pay half the rent and half the living expenses, but slowly that morphed into us having joint accounts, and making decisions as a couple.
Within two months, he would fall asleep on the couch watching TV. I worked, he didn’t. He was trying to build a consulting business, but I think he did nothing most days. I’d come home and he’d be busy doing dishes that he had obviously just started, so it would look like he was busy.
No sex
Within six months, he withdrew sex. “I don’t know why” was his stock answer to every attempt to work through this. I thought maybe he had problems so I backed off and learned to live without a normal and healthy love life. It was step one in completely undermining my own self confidence, self image and willingness to walk away. I was mature, had not been committed enough to really work at previous relationships, so my mindset was, “I love this man and I am going to work at this.”
In 1994 he got a job that lasted four months. He talked me into starting my own business and I did freelance accounting. When he was fired from his job I was never able to find out why, but they let him go on a Tuesday and paid him only to the end of that day, which had to mean just cause. Knowing what I know now, no doubt he was inappropriate with female staff or maybe even male staff, because now I wonder about everything. Nothing was as it seemed.
August 1996 and he has just started his second job lasted six months, during which, I find out, he has been having an affair with the receptionist. He moved out March 1997 and came back begging me to give him another chance in May, saying he was nothing without me; he might as well go live on “skid row” because he would never be able to get off the couch again if I wouldn’t take him back. We had a business to consider he reminded me. He made love to me four times during the “take me back” stage. Soon as he was safely back, sex stopped, but he did come to bed at night. In later years, he would sleep in the living room, on the couch every night, in his clothes and only came downstairs to get a change of underwear, knowing that hurt me and was the exact opposite of what I wanted.
In business together
Over the years this scenario was repeated. In 17 years he held down four jobs, all of which lasted max six months. He talked me into going into business with him and we are 50% shareholders in a small home-based business that supported us from 1999 onward. I am seriously living to regret this, as I divorce and try to extricate myself from him. He talked on the phone a lot, and I did all the heavy lifting.
I had my life savings, which wasn’t much, but it bought us the home I live in now. We moved here in 1999. Yet another “job” he had, this time contracted through our company. He lasted five months in what was supposed to be a five-year contract.
I have to say that the privacy act and employer’s unwillingness to share information is a tremendous handicap to women in my position. Even as 50% owner of the company, no one is willing to tell the truth. If any one of the people who saw through him, anywhere along the line, had had the courage to tell me what my husband was up to, it would have opened my eyes. I was getting his side of the story only, and his best skill is, he is a honed and practiced liar. No matter how suspicious or concerned or questioning I might be, he could talk himself out of it, so I’d wind up giving him the “benefit of the doubt.”
Job in Florida
On April 21, 2009 my husband (he wanted to get married in 2003) left “on business” to take a consulting job in Florida. When he left, I prayed that this would be make it or break it. My health and spirit were so broken that his decision to take this job was almost a relief.
A month after he was gone I began to feel better physically, but such was my commitment to my marriage that I actually said out loud, what worried me was he would want to come back, and I wouldn’t want him to. I would feel obligated to take him back, even though I knew I was living in a toxic relationship. A counselor said to me afterwards that if you have a kind heart, cut people some slack and believe in God, and in doing unto others, you are custom made for this type of predator. They count on it! Your decency and your ability to love and forgive are the very tools they use against you.
First month, he web-cammed daily while I helped him get set up, furnish his apartment and paid his bills. He phoned me 10 times a day on his way down to Florida, saying how much he missed me already.
Cheating
The lies kept up until June 27, 2009 when he avoided an opportunity to web-cam home to see our 3-year old Granddaughter who was visiting. Everything began to add up. I spent all day July 1, 2009 trying to figure out how to hire a private detective in Florida. Turns out he had put himself on a dating site within three weeks of arriving there, and he had “grown an inch” from the time he left here. By August he was on Craig’s list as well and had grown yet another inch!
I had to take control of our business servers and over the course of the next few months I received emails from two women, who came after the one the private investigator filmed him with. His story to them he had been a widower for 40 years, had raised his two girls alone, his wife had been tragically killed in a car accident, t-boned when his youngest was just 2 months old. He had sacrificed himself to raise his daughters. Turned out I wasn’t the dead wife he was speaking of he was actually referring to his first wife, who is alive and well and who is still married to the man who really helped her raise the children.
Second woman who contacted me, did so because she had been told I was his “cousin” and I “worked for him” and she wanted to know if I was going to be helping her learn how to work for him. Both the women who contacted me were kind enough to send me the “ads” they answered, and photos of themselves and one even send me photos of them together, which I could have lived without.
My honesty saved the two women who connected with me, but every woman who crosses his path is at risk. I have come to see that he is like a reverse serial rapist. It is all about power and control, and once he assesses what you want and need most from him, in my case, warmth, love and affection, he withholds that from you. He apparently was quite lustful with the women he met on line and I wonder now, who was he cheating on me with during the 10 years we’ve been in this town? A man doesn’t go from being celibate for 17 years to suddenly being active. I now consider it a gift that he didn’t touch me at least I know my health isn’t at risk.
The document
Interestingly enough, in the “document” you read below, the woman referred to as “Marsha” is in fact his first wife (you know, the one who wasn’t killed in a car accident). The second woman he mentions, is the woman he cheated on “Marsha” with and left Marsha for. It would seem that none of us who came after mattered at all.
I found this document while searching his computer using the word “university” because he claimed to have a Bachelor of Commerce degree and I wanted to share that with my lawyer. This document, written by him on Oct. 1, 2005 at 7:30 pm, popped up. His oldest daughter’s birthday. The night after my 58th birthday. Two years and one month to the day after our marriage, and two months before he would “set me up” by putting me as sole director of our company, which as it turns out, has backfired on him, but it was part of a long-term plan he had and was slowly working on, a trap that would be used when he was ready to spring it.
I can tell you that when I opened this document, it embarrassed me to read it. I never knew this man at all. I have no doubt that I was in my office working, or making dinner, or cleaning up after dinner, while he sat in his office writing this. I can tell you that knowing what I know now, he doesn’t have “a soul to sell.”
I’m weeks away from my divorce being final. He has fought me every step of the way, threatening me, filing lawsuits against the company, using the business and my fear of losing my home and what little security I have left. He has harassed both me and my lawyers, gone out of his way to increase my legal fees, hoping to break me. He represents himself, and at every turn is foxier and more cunning than one could ever believe. Normal does not apply. I wonder what the women before me went through and know in my heart, they went through exactly what I am going through. I can’t wait to get rid of his last name legally.
He threw away his life and I need to be punished for that. I wasn’t supposed to find out. I was supposed to continue in the role I had played, the easily conned wife who kept knocking herself out trying to make her marriage work, while he kept his options open and explored for greener fields.
PS: Job in Florida lasted four months, then they let him go. I have no doubt he is trolling for his next food source as I write.
The Price of My Soul
- To return to Easter, 1956 when my parents moved.
- To have all of the knowledge that I have now and have had in the past.
- To be popular with both boys and girls. At school, in clubs and all other parts of my life.
- To excel in sports without injury, particular in hockey, track, football and baseball. To be good enough in football, baseball and track to attract quality athletic scholarships.
- To excel in school without undue effort. To receive the highest marks in every subject, to effortlessly complete all homework and assignments. To receive the highest possible marks on all tests and examinations. To be the valedictorian in both High School, University. To be first in my class in Graduate School.
- To have the inherent ability to make the right and correct choices regarding education, finance, investments and career.
- To be attractive, fit and athletic for my entire life. To live well in to my 90s and to be happy, contented and satisfied with my life. To die with no regrets.
- To never smoke or partake of non-prescription drugs. To always drink alcohol responsibly and never get drunk or impaired.
- To never have an illness and to be immune from all disease.
- To be hardworking, focused and disciplined. To be courteous to everyone. To be calm, soft-spoken and fair. To have, and experience, no prejudice.
- To be unusually attractive to all women, of legal age, regardless of age, race, color, marital status or religious beliefs. To have the inherent ability to communicate my interest to a particular woman and to have her feel a tingle in her loins and know that, by overtly contacting me, she will experience the most satisfying sexual encounter that is it possible to have.
- To have the inherent ability to bring women to the deepest orgasm possible at my whim and thought. To do so, if I wish, just by touch, by stroking, or by any other means that I wish. To have women become addicted to sexual relations with me. To be completely uninhibited in sex and to have each of my partners wish to be willing to try anything. To be able to bring my partners to orgasm orally, anally, vaginally and any other way I choose. To have them long for each way. To be able to bring women to multiple orgasms, including ejaculation, and to be able to experience multiple ejaculations, myself, within minutes of each other. To never lose this ability until my death.
- To never, either myself or a chosen sexual partner, experience a jealous husband, fiancé, lover or friend. To never end a sexual relationship in any way other than as enduring friends.
- To have women become so addicted to my sexual prowess and their satisfaction that they will do anything that I wish to continue the relationship. To have them recommend me to their women friends and to have those friends join us in the relationship.
- To have this attraction begin from the moment of puberty and, until I am of legal age, to have these relationships with women older than myself.
- To have these women pay me for my company until I have graduated from school and have become a wealthy person. It would be my expectation that, beginning at 13 years of age, I would earn $100 per week from each of my lovers and that I would have five lovers. I would expect my income to increase with each year until legal age.
- To have the inherent ability to save my money and to invest in the most profitable manner. To always know the correct time to buy stocks, bonds or other investments and to always know when to sell at the maximum profit. To never make a losing investment.
- To always know the correct time to create a new company or service and to always know the correct time to sell the investment. To never lose money in this manner. To always have prior knowledge of startup companies and to know which ones will succeed and which ones will fail. To always know the optimum time to cash in the investment.
- To be financially well of by the age of 18. To be a millionaire by the age of 20. To be a multi-millionaire by the age of 25. To be a billionaire by the age of 30 and to be the richest man in the world by the age of 40. To remain so until my death.
- To be asked to mingle in the highest levels of society all over the world. To be politically astute and to have political influence worldwide.
- To never marry and to never have children. To die, peacefully and happy, having left a legacy of both deeds and money that will be invested for good. To have planned those investments so that they will never stop working for good.
- To have several loving relationships during my lifetime. To love deeply and be loved deeply. One of those relationships is to be with Marsha Jackson and the other with Susan Morris. Both are to be deeply satisfying for everyone involved but are not to be monogamous on my part. As in other relationships, they will be so satisfied that they will want to share me with their female family members and friends.
- To be an outstandingly accomplished dancer. To be able to bring a women to climax just by whispering in her ear while dancing. To be able to engage in a conversation, with a woman, about absolutely anything. To have her feel no offense at the most intimate of conversations and comments. To be able to bring her to climax during those conversations.
- To be appreciative and knowledgeable of the arts. To be an engaging and interesting speaker. To have an inherent ability to lead people in the direction I choose for them to go. To always do so for good, never evil.
- To be truly satisfied and happy in everything that I do. Especially in each and every sexual relationship that I have. To be able to give the deepest possible pleasure to my partner and, in turn, to receive the same.
Dancing,
“The guilt comes when I put up boundaries like the paper; or fight for my interests. He did so much for me and I feel he was kind and generous and I owe him.”
Remember that whatever he did, it was for HIS benefit NOT YOURS. He was never the person he made himself out to be. If he was, you’d still be together. The idiotspath that I had to deal with paid for my books for a course I was taking. He bought me a keyboard for my computer when I needed one. He was there when I had a family crisis. I hold no fondness for those things because I know that it was done to further ensnare me in his grip!
He also spoke of rape and was addicted to porn. Why give them the benefit of the doubt? We did that once, and look where that got us?
Dear Warrior,
What he was telling you about the GF that broke up with him and he had to have her one last time and she resisted—HE RAPED HER…..and what he was telling you is that he will do that to you as well…so expect it if he can accomplish it. you are his property. SHE was his property. Her resisting didnt’ mean anything to him. Your resisting won’t mean anything to him.
I suggest that you DO START SEEING HIM AS A RAPIST, and if you aren’t careful YOU are going to be the victim. He thinks and feels that he OWNS you.
With this information, I would install REAL cameras and recording equipment around my house, and get several cans of the wasp spray (shoot a long stream) and if it is legal and you are qualified, a gun….you shouldn’t live in terror, but you need to be set up to defend yourself.
The best behavior of future behavior is PAST behavior and he has already TOLD YOU wehat his PAST BEHAIVOR in this situation was….he will IMHO try to repeat that…to show you he is in CONTROL if for no other reason.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14689-handling-guilt/
What is guilt?
Guilt is:
* Feeling of responsibility for negative circumstances that have befallen yourself or others.
* Feeling of regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present.
* Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings or attitudes that were or are negative, uncomplimentary or non-accepting concerning yourself or others.
* Feeling of obligation for not pleasing, not helping or not placating another.
* Feeling of bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a situation in your typical, stereotype manner.
* Feeling of loss and shame for not having done or said something to someone who is no longer available to you.
* Accepting of responsibility for someone else’s misfortune or problem because it bothers you to see that person suffer.
* Motivator to amend all real or perceived wrongs.
* Strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a “wrong” course of action; however, you assign your own definitions to the words.
* Driving force or mask behind which irrational beliefs hide.
How do others play on your feelings of guilt?
People can and sometimes will:
* Make you believe they will suffer greatly if you do not respond positively to their request(s).
* Call on your guilt to respond to their requests, even when it means violating your rights.
* Respond to your irrational self by reinforcing your irrational thinking, giving you a sense of blame, for past, present or future actions.
* Build up a verbal or imagined scenario that portrays you at fault for inaction, thus guaranteeing your sense of guilt and your willingness to do anything to alleviate it.
* Accuse you of misdeeds, words or actions to arouse your sense of guilt and make you believe you are the one with a problem in an interpersonal relationship difficulty. (This effectively takes the pressure off of them.)
* Reinforce your negative self-perceptions, encouraging you to be guilt ridden and self-judgmental for their benefit.
* Build a case with moral absolutes to convince you of the “right way” to do things, avoiding that negative feeling of guilt for themselves.
* Set up situations for you in which you will believe your alternatives are limited to that which results in the least sense of guilt.
* Feign or fake hardship, illness, discomfort, unhappiness, incompetence or other negative behavior to arouse your sense of guilt and have you take over those tasks or duties bringing imagined negative consequences for them.
* Threaten negative consequences, like going to jail, to the hospital, to the juvenile detention center, failing school, dying or divorcing you. This manipulation uses your guilt to benefit them.
What can guilt do to you?
Guilt can:
* Make you become over responsible, striving to make life “right.” You overwork. You over give of yourself. You are willing to do anything in your attempt to make everyone happy.
* Make you over conscientious. You fret over every action you take as to its possible negative consequence to others, even if this means that you must ignore your needs and wants.
* Make you over sensitive. You see decisions about right and wrong in every aspect of your life and become obsessed with the tenuous nature of all of your personal actions, words and decisions. You are sensitive to the cues of others where any implication of your wrong doing is intimated.
* Immobilize you. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying or being “wrong” that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence and the status quo.
* Interfere in your decision making. It is so important to always be “right” in your decisions that you become unable to make a decision lest it be a wrong one.
* Be hidden by the mask of self denial. Because it is less guilt inducing to take care of others first, instead of yourself, you hide behind the mask of self denial. You honestly believe it is better to serve others first, unaware that “guilt” is the motivator for such “generous” behavior.
* Make you ignore the full array of emotions and feelings available to you. Overcome by guilt or the fear of it, you can become emotionally blocked or closed off. You are able neither to enjoy the positive fruits of life nor experience the negative aspects.
* Be a motivator to change. Because you feel guilt and the discomfort it brings, you can use it as a barometer of the need to change things in your life and rid yourself of the guilt.
* Be a mask for negative self belief. You may actually have low self-esteem, but claim the reason for your negativity is the overwhelming sense of guilt you experience.
* Mislead or misdirect you. Because many irrational beliefs lie behind guilt, you may be unable to sort out your feelings. It is important to be objective with yourself when you are experiencing guilt; be sure that your decisions are based on sound, rational thinking.
What irrational beliefs or negative self-scripts are involved in guilt?
* I do not deserve to be happy.
* I am responsible for my family’s (spouse’s) happiness.
* There is only one “right” way to do things.
* It’s bad to feel hurt and pain.
* My children should never suffer in their childhood like I did in mine.
* My kids should have more material things than I did.
* It is my fault if others in my life are not happy.
* If my kids fail in any way, it’s my responsibility.
* It is wrong to be concerned about myself.
* People are constantly judging me, and their judgment is important to me.
* It is important to save face with others.
* It is wrong to accept the negative aspects of my life without believing that I am responsible for them myself.
* I am responsible if either positive or negative events happen to the members of my family.
* I must not enjoy myself during a time when others expect me to be in mourning, grief or loss.
* You must never let down your guard; something you’re doing could be evil or wrong.
* I must always be responsible, conscientious and giving to others.
* How others perceive me is important as to how I perceive myself.
* No matter what I do, I am always wrong.
* I should never feel guilt.
* If you feel guilt, then you must be or have been wrong.
Suggested steps to overcome guilt.
Step 1: You can recognize the role guilt is playing in your life by choosing a current problem and answering the following questions in your journal:
a. What problem is currently troubling me?
b. Who is responsible for the problem?
c. Whose problem is it, really?
d. What did I do to make this problem worse for myself?
e. How much guilt do I feel about this problem?
f. How much does the guilt I experience exaggerate or exacerbate my problem?
g. If I felt no more guilt what would my problem look like then?
If the answer to question “g” is that your problem can be solved by reducing guilt, go to Step 2.
Step 2: Redefine your problem with the absence of guilt as an issue.
In answering the questions in Step 1, you recognized that guilt was preventing resolution of the problem. To redefining your problem, answer the following questions in your journal:
1. How insurmountable is the problem?
2. Is this problem an interpersonal or intrapersonal problem?
3. If it is interpersonal: Can I help the other person and myself to set aside guilt and resolve this problem?
4. If it is intrapersonal: Can I set aside guilt or the fear of it and resolve this problem?
5. Does this problem have more than one solution? Can others and myself experience satisfaction, comfort and resolution with a minimum of debilitating guilt?
6. Whose problem is it, really?
7. Is it my problem or another(s)?
8. Am I taking on another’s responsibility?
9. Am I trying to keep another from experiencing pain, hardship or discomfort?
Step 3: If the problem is really someone else’s, give the problem back to the person(s) to solve and to deal with. If the problem is yours, go to Step 4.
Step 4: You must confront the real or imagined guilt or fear of guilt preventing you from either handing the problem back to the person(s) whose problem it really is (Step 3) or from handling the problem on your own. Consider the following:
a. What fears are blocking me at this moment from taking the steps I need to resolve this problem?
b. What are the irrational beliefs behind these fears?
c. Refute the irrational beliefs using the steps given in ” Handling Irrational Beliefs .”‘
d. Initiate a program of self-affirmation as presented in ” Self-Affirmations .”
e. Use an imagery scenario with “guilt” as an object you packaged in a nice box. It is brought to a mountain top and thrown off a cliff for good.
f. Affirm for yourself that:
* You deserve to solve this problem.
* You deserve to be good to yourself.
* You deserve to have others be good to you, too!
Step 5: If your guilt is not resolved after completing Steps 3 and/or 4, return to Step 1 and begin again.
Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14689-handling-guilt/#ixzz0uuIOjDVX
Hi HealingFast,
Thanks for your note.
It is very complex, and very hard to see him as black or white.
He is not all bad, he can be gentle–he’d brush the dog and give him baths; he’d give the bird treats or water; devoted to daughter always going to her baseball or basketball games; etc. I guess he has a “pack” mentality and will protect his family.
It’s problematic when he said to our daughter “I don’t care about anything, I don’t even care about YOU!” while he was moving out 2 yrs ago. Later he told her, “I wanted to mess you up so I could hurt your mother”.
When I filed, he wanted daughter to go inside and give him batteries. I think he wanted to put them in the garage remote opener, not knowing I had changed the remote combination. When I told him sorry don’t have any batteries for you, he had a fit and said “I”m your ENEMY now. You had a friend in me, but I”m your enemy now”
Oh…yrs ago in therapy, I told the therapist that his sexual fantasies are troublesome bec. he fantasizes of tying up a woman, and coercing her, and I was bothered by it. He wouldn’t go back to the therapist bec. he judged his fantasy and said there was an element of sadism, wanting the other to suffer, rather than, say, fantasizing about being on a cruise. He felt mortified that his private vulnerable inner fantasy was put down or judged.
Also, he told recent couples therapist he wanted to write a movie script–criminal ties up beats up and blackmails the husband, kidnaps the wife, boat chase, time bomb, suspense, in the end turns out the “culprit” was on the woman’s side and all was staged…He complained that I was not supportive of his creative ideas bec. I made a comment that I am not a fan of all the violence and find it disturbing and didn’t want him sharing these ideas with me. He wanted me to be open-minded and show interest, and beyond the violence there was meaningful plot and a deeper value.
Oy, OxDrover, it’s hard, it’s hard.
I cannot see him as a rapist. I cannot. It’s too horrible. I am a rape survivor, and can’t and won’t look at him that way. Contol freak, yes. Vile nasty mouth, yes. Angry, temper tantrum throwing, foaming at the mouth control freak, yes.
It’s been years ago since he described this. I don’t know his words, whether he said she “resisted” or am I interpreting his story. I am recalling a glimpse of a conversation from many years ago, and even that was a glimpse of a reported event.
Were they broken up or on the way to breaking up? Did she consent to sex to appease him? Was he a spurned lover bec. he saw her obviously having been sexual with someone else and then got blindly jealous?
As for wasp spray, I have a can around bec. I DO have wasps in the gutter and I just killed their nest in the garage window–a side window, not the one he looks at where the car comes in, LOL. I chuckle every time I see the can thinking of you.
It’s hard, Oxy. I’ve lived with the man 20 years and know him intimately.
Dear Warrior,
I know you are saying you “know him intimately” but at the same time I am HEARING ALSO DENIAL….”I cannot see lhim as a rapist, it is too horrible.” then you go to “well he said it a long time ago” AND N”DID SHE RESIST?” Does it matter if she fought like a banshee or gave in rather than fight and maybe have him injnure her,m if she SAID no it was RAPE.
My X BF P burned the house of the last GF (we couldn’t prove it in court but we know, she knows, I know) and would have done the same to me except I convinced him I had security cams that would catch him and that ALSO my sons would hunt him down like a rabid skunk and he believed me….he did “get even with me” but it was not burning my house.
So what I am advising you to do is to THINK THE UNTHINKABLE and get your head out of saying there is ANYTHING you can’t believe about a psychopath—because there is NOTHING THEY WON’T DO UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES. What he said to you about using your daughter to hurt you—that is the truth. Believe that. We must LISTEN because sometimes they DO TELL THE TRUTH. If I had listened when my egg donor told me the truth that she only accused me of being after her money IN ORDER TO HURT ME. It would have saved me a lot of pain.
I know it is difficult to believe these things because we don’t want to, but sometimes it is better to SEE THE TRUTH aand not step on the rattle snake in the road than to say, “Oh, it’s just a piece of rope, it can’t hurt me.” Just a word to the wise, my dear friend. God keep you safe. PS I am also a rape survivor so I know somewhat of where I speak.
EB, thank you for that link and print out. I have copied it and will be going through that over and over in the near future.
I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately (are your ears burning) and I told son D about your “fat girl on the sea saw” thing, and that you were very much like another friend of mine as far as your guts and back bone are concerned. He was Impressed!
I just wanted to slow down a minute and tell you just how much I enjoy our online friendship and how I also value your spunk and moxy! You are a great lady, EB! You’ve over come a lot and you are still in there fighting the good fight!!! TOWANDA for you!!!!
Oxy~
I really appreciate your thoughts and friendship! More than you know.
I value all of your experiences and wisdom and your willingness to share with all of us here!
What you’ve lived, the choices you make to overcome and protect and all the hardships you endure are an inspiration.
I am hoping that we have peace one day and can sit sipping lemonade on the porch , care free and – wasp spray free……with our only care to be ‘how are we gonna raise those oxtuplets’ and ‘who’s gonna go to town to get them frozen peas’.
Thank you for your love oxy!!! I feel the same about you girl!
(wipe the tears)
🙂
Oh, I watched Oprah yesterday which I don’t usually do and the oxy-mom was on there….house in foreclosure and all that…showed some film of the kids.. O would ask her a question and she would skate around answering it….tried to act like she was raising those kids all by herself when in fact she has a “nanny” and “other helpers” so she can get some sleep.
Also said she did NOT want publicity! LOL ROTFLMAO
What a crazy woman! Poor kids.
Now there’s a prancing whackjob…..
See….if she can do it…..so can you!!!
Dear Oxy,
I will keep my antenae up. Security cameras looking better and better.
I don’t want to repeat myself if I’ve already written this-apologize in advance. I was 20 when I got raped in the lobby of my apt. building. Every day coming home was traumatizing reminder of the event. I met H. within a year of that, and I saw him then, and still in my fantasy today see him, as a protector. “He” took me away from the awful memory, across the ocean, and in my mind I believed that miles would wipe it out of my mind and heart.
One night I felt the burden, and confided in him about the event. He was sympathetic and comforting. After reading literature on abuse, in the back of my mind, I think he despised the “weakness” in me because of the story I confided. I think he had a humiliating experience with a male neighbor from childhood, so whatever is unspeakable in his own memory, maybe got transferred on to me as “weak” or despicable.
Also, after I became pregnant, and after I had the baby, there was a big change–verbal abuse and punching walls began. I read it is not uncommon that an abuser acts abusively after he perceives the woman in a more dependent or vulnerable position in pregnancy.
As far as my denial. Oxy you are right. A defense mechanism learned in childhood, witnessing my dad hit my mother –how do I reconcile a father I love and depend on, with an abusive monster? Denial, “My father is not so bad.”
So, it’s hard to admit my own stupidity and weakness that I tolerated abuse for 20years.
I am sure you know Streetcar Named Desire. Stella won’t believe Stanley raped her sister. So she doesn’t believe her and chooses denial instead.
I would never blame a woman. No means no. Period. And I know rape is not about sex but about control and domination.
So, I wanted to be rescued from a rapist, only to run into the arms of a rapist? Sleeping with the enemy for 20 years.