Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Jenna.” At the end, she posts a document written by her sociopathic ex about the price of his soul, which provides a unnerving glimpse into how he truly thinks. Names have been changed.
I have spent the last 18 years dealing with a classic sociopath, a man who lies beyond my wildest imagination. I have come to believe that he isn’t just evil that is too easy an explanation. Evil people can’t help themselves; they can be “born bad.” No, this man chooses to be sadistic and mentally cruel. He can be “nice” when he wants to. He has a now four-year-old granddaughter who adores him and thinks her “Papa” hung the moon. If she ever sees on her own what he is, he will be her first broken heart.
He calculates his moves and sets up his victims over a long period of time — feeding off one woman after another, using the exact same pattern, until they no longer are sating his appetite for whatever it is he hungers for money, respect, ego gratification. I have never met anyone like this before. He enjoys what seems to have been his life’s work. He often said he “didn’t like women or children.” I should have listened.
I met him through work in April 1992. I was 44 years old, attractive and I thought relatively intelligent. My boss knew him from a previous job, considered him an associate, and brought him in to do some computer consulting. Looking back, my first impression was that he was focusing on me, trying to impress me. I should have heeded my bells and listened to my first impressions. He was knowledgeable about everything, charming, and I realize now he talked only about himself, his business plans, his big ideas. Going for lunches developed into a relationship. He was never pushy or all over me just the opposite.
Moves in
He moved in with me on January 2, 1993 after I had broken off with him because I thought he was playing me. I went away that Christmas alone, and when I came home, he was ensconced in my home, with the fireplace burning, two dozen long-stemmed red roses, a bottle of wine and a six-page handwritten letter about what a fool he had been and how much he “loved” me. The fool was me; I let him stay.
I had been on my own for a long time so I tried to establish some beginning boundaries. The first year we were together, he had to pay half the rent and half the living expenses, but slowly that morphed into us having joint accounts, and making decisions as a couple.
Within two months, he would fall asleep on the couch watching TV. I worked, he didn’t. He was trying to build a consulting business, but I think he did nothing most days. I’d come home and he’d be busy doing dishes that he had obviously just started, so it would look like he was busy.
No sex
Within six months, he withdrew sex. “I don’t know why” was his stock answer to every attempt to work through this. I thought maybe he had problems so I backed off and learned to live without a normal and healthy love life. It was step one in completely undermining my own self confidence, self image and willingness to walk away. I was mature, had not been committed enough to really work at previous relationships, so my mindset was, “I love this man and I am going to work at this.”
In 1994 he got a job that lasted four months. He talked me into starting my own business and I did freelance accounting. When he was fired from his job I was never able to find out why, but they let him go on a Tuesday and paid him only to the end of that day, which had to mean just cause. Knowing what I know now, no doubt he was inappropriate with female staff or maybe even male staff, because now I wonder about everything. Nothing was as it seemed.
August 1996 and he has just started his second job lasted six months, during which, I find out, he has been having an affair with the receptionist. He moved out March 1997 and came back begging me to give him another chance in May, saying he was nothing without me; he might as well go live on “skid row” because he would never be able to get off the couch again if I wouldn’t take him back. We had a business to consider he reminded me. He made love to me four times during the “take me back” stage. Soon as he was safely back, sex stopped, but he did come to bed at night. In later years, he would sleep in the living room, on the couch every night, in his clothes and only came downstairs to get a change of underwear, knowing that hurt me and was the exact opposite of what I wanted.
In business together
Over the years this scenario was repeated. In 17 years he held down four jobs, all of which lasted max six months. He talked me into going into business with him and we are 50% shareholders in a small home-based business that supported us from 1999 onward. I am seriously living to regret this, as I divorce and try to extricate myself from him. He talked on the phone a lot, and I did all the heavy lifting.
I had my life savings, which wasn’t much, but it bought us the home I live in now. We moved here in 1999. Yet another “job” he had, this time contracted through our company. He lasted five months in what was supposed to be a five-year contract.
I have to say that the privacy act and employer’s unwillingness to share information is a tremendous handicap to women in my position. Even as 50% owner of the company, no one is willing to tell the truth. If any one of the people who saw through him, anywhere along the line, had had the courage to tell me what my husband was up to, it would have opened my eyes. I was getting his side of the story only, and his best skill is, he is a honed and practiced liar. No matter how suspicious or concerned or questioning I might be, he could talk himself out of it, so I’d wind up giving him the “benefit of the doubt.”
Job in Florida
On April 21, 2009 my husband (he wanted to get married in 2003) left “on business” to take a consulting job in Florida. When he left, I prayed that this would be make it or break it. My health and spirit were so broken that his decision to take this job was almost a relief.
A month after he was gone I began to feel better physically, but such was my commitment to my marriage that I actually said out loud, what worried me was he would want to come back, and I wouldn’t want him to. I would feel obligated to take him back, even though I knew I was living in a toxic relationship. A counselor said to me afterwards that if you have a kind heart, cut people some slack and believe in God, and in doing unto others, you are custom made for this type of predator. They count on it! Your decency and your ability to love and forgive are the very tools they use against you.
First month, he web-cammed daily while I helped him get set up, furnish his apartment and paid his bills. He phoned me 10 times a day on his way down to Florida, saying how much he missed me already.
Cheating
The lies kept up until June 27, 2009 when he avoided an opportunity to web-cam home to see our 3-year old Granddaughter who was visiting. Everything began to add up. I spent all day July 1, 2009 trying to figure out how to hire a private detective in Florida. Turns out he had put himself on a dating site within three weeks of arriving there, and he had “grown an inch” from the time he left here. By August he was on Craig’s list as well and had grown yet another inch!
I had to take control of our business servers and over the course of the next few months I received emails from two women, who came after the one the private investigator filmed him with. His story to them he had been a widower for 40 years, had raised his two girls alone, his wife had been tragically killed in a car accident, t-boned when his youngest was just 2 months old. He had sacrificed himself to raise his daughters. Turned out I wasn’t the dead wife he was speaking of he was actually referring to his first wife, who is alive and well and who is still married to the man who really helped her raise the children.
Second woman who contacted me, did so because she had been told I was his “cousin” and I “worked for him” and she wanted to know if I was going to be helping her learn how to work for him. Both the women who contacted me were kind enough to send me the “ads” they answered, and photos of themselves and one even send me photos of them together, which I could have lived without.
My honesty saved the two women who connected with me, but every woman who crosses his path is at risk. I have come to see that he is like a reverse serial rapist. It is all about power and control, and once he assesses what you want and need most from him, in my case, warmth, love and affection, he withholds that from you. He apparently was quite lustful with the women he met on line and I wonder now, who was he cheating on me with during the 10 years we’ve been in this town? A man doesn’t go from being celibate for 17 years to suddenly being active. I now consider it a gift that he didn’t touch me at least I know my health isn’t at risk.
The document
Interestingly enough, in the “document” you read below, the woman referred to as “Marsha” is in fact his first wife (you know, the one who wasn’t killed in a car accident). The second woman he mentions, is the woman he cheated on “Marsha” with and left Marsha for. It would seem that none of us who came after mattered at all.
I found this document while searching his computer using the word “university” because he claimed to have a Bachelor of Commerce degree and I wanted to share that with my lawyer. This document, written by him on Oct. 1, 2005 at 7:30 pm, popped up. His oldest daughter’s birthday. The night after my 58th birthday. Two years and one month to the day after our marriage, and two months before he would “set me up” by putting me as sole director of our company, which as it turns out, has backfired on him, but it was part of a long-term plan he had and was slowly working on, a trap that would be used when he was ready to spring it.
I can tell you that when I opened this document, it embarrassed me to read it. I never knew this man at all. I have no doubt that I was in my office working, or making dinner, or cleaning up after dinner, while he sat in his office writing this. I can tell you that knowing what I know now, he doesn’t have “a soul to sell.”
I’m weeks away from my divorce being final. He has fought me every step of the way, threatening me, filing lawsuits against the company, using the business and my fear of losing my home and what little security I have left. He has harassed both me and my lawyers, gone out of his way to increase my legal fees, hoping to break me. He represents himself, and at every turn is foxier and more cunning than one could ever believe. Normal does not apply. I wonder what the women before me went through and know in my heart, they went through exactly what I am going through. I can’t wait to get rid of his last name legally.
He threw away his life and I need to be punished for that. I wasn’t supposed to find out. I was supposed to continue in the role I had played, the easily conned wife who kept knocking herself out trying to make her marriage work, while he kept his options open and explored for greener fields.
PS: Job in Florida lasted four months, then they let him go. I have no doubt he is trolling for his next food source as I write.
The Price of My Soul
- To return to Easter, 1956 when my parents moved.
- To have all of the knowledge that I have now and have had in the past.
- To be popular with both boys and girls. At school, in clubs and all other parts of my life.
- To excel in sports without injury, particular in hockey, track, football and baseball. To be good enough in football, baseball and track to attract quality athletic scholarships.
- To excel in school without undue effort. To receive the highest marks in every subject, to effortlessly complete all homework and assignments. To receive the highest possible marks on all tests and examinations. To be the valedictorian in both High School, University. To be first in my class in Graduate School.
- To have the inherent ability to make the right and correct choices regarding education, finance, investments and career.
- To be attractive, fit and athletic for my entire life. To live well in to my 90s and to be happy, contented and satisfied with my life. To die with no regrets.
- To never smoke or partake of non-prescription drugs. To always drink alcohol responsibly and never get drunk or impaired.
- To never have an illness and to be immune from all disease.
- To be hardworking, focused and disciplined. To be courteous to everyone. To be calm, soft-spoken and fair. To have, and experience, no prejudice.
- To be unusually attractive to all women, of legal age, regardless of age, race, color, marital status or religious beliefs. To have the inherent ability to communicate my interest to a particular woman and to have her feel a tingle in her loins and know that, by overtly contacting me, she will experience the most satisfying sexual encounter that is it possible to have.
- To have the inherent ability to bring women to the deepest orgasm possible at my whim and thought. To do so, if I wish, just by touch, by stroking, or by any other means that I wish. To have women become addicted to sexual relations with me. To be completely uninhibited in sex and to have each of my partners wish to be willing to try anything. To be able to bring my partners to orgasm orally, anally, vaginally and any other way I choose. To have them long for each way. To be able to bring women to multiple orgasms, including ejaculation, and to be able to experience multiple ejaculations, myself, within minutes of each other. To never lose this ability until my death.
- To never, either myself or a chosen sexual partner, experience a jealous husband, fiancé, lover or friend. To never end a sexual relationship in any way other than as enduring friends.
- To have women become so addicted to my sexual prowess and their satisfaction that they will do anything that I wish to continue the relationship. To have them recommend me to their women friends and to have those friends join us in the relationship.
- To have this attraction begin from the moment of puberty and, until I am of legal age, to have these relationships with women older than myself.
- To have these women pay me for my company until I have graduated from school and have become a wealthy person. It would be my expectation that, beginning at 13 years of age, I would earn $100 per week from each of my lovers and that I would have five lovers. I would expect my income to increase with each year until legal age.
- To have the inherent ability to save my money and to invest in the most profitable manner. To always know the correct time to buy stocks, bonds or other investments and to always know when to sell at the maximum profit. To never make a losing investment.
- To always know the correct time to create a new company or service and to always know the correct time to sell the investment. To never lose money in this manner. To always have prior knowledge of startup companies and to know which ones will succeed and which ones will fail. To always know the optimum time to cash in the investment.
- To be financially well of by the age of 18. To be a millionaire by the age of 20. To be a multi-millionaire by the age of 25. To be a billionaire by the age of 30 and to be the richest man in the world by the age of 40. To remain so until my death.
- To be asked to mingle in the highest levels of society all over the world. To be politically astute and to have political influence worldwide.
- To never marry and to never have children. To die, peacefully and happy, having left a legacy of both deeds and money that will be invested for good. To have planned those investments so that they will never stop working for good.
- To have several loving relationships during my lifetime. To love deeply and be loved deeply. One of those relationships is to be with Marsha Jackson and the other with Susan Morris. Both are to be deeply satisfying for everyone involved but are not to be monogamous on my part. As in other relationships, they will be so satisfied that they will want to share me with their female family members and friends.
- To be an outstandingly accomplished dancer. To be able to bring a women to climax just by whispering in her ear while dancing. To be able to engage in a conversation, with a woman, about absolutely anything. To have her feel no offense at the most intimate of conversations and comments. To be able to bring her to climax during those conversations.
- To be appreciative and knowledgeable of the arts. To be an engaging and interesting speaker. To have an inherent ability to lead people in the direction I choose for them to go. To always do so for good, never evil.
- To be truly satisfied and happy in everything that I do. Especially in each and every sexual relationship that I have. To be able to give the deepest possible pleasure to my partner and, in turn, to receive the same.
Shabby, the only souls “they” have are the soles on the bottom of their feet as they scurry off down the road to pounce on their next victim(s) …
Piece of cake, piece of huckleberry pie!
Jenna- Thank you for sharing your story and sharing the document! WOW! I guess he has let himself down tremendously with this wish list!LOL
Your husband was similar to my husband in so many ways! Thankfully you are now almost free from that twisted mind!
Interestingly mine always slept on the couch too after the honeymoon wooing period, and always with the TV going all night! His sleep was always disturbed and I believe he was tired all the time from all the plotting, sneeking & scamming he would be doing at all hours!
Mine also couldn’t hold down jobs and although he told me he wanted to have one relationship his parents could be proud of him for, I know in my heart that there is no way he was loyal to me. Why would I really be different from any other partner that he cheated on? I believe he had just got better at hiding it! Even if he was faithful to me, I know he would have not wanted to be. The only thing he was committed to was himself.
I loved the document you shared, a true insight into their minds!
I am glad you didn’t loose everything to him and you have fought him all the way until the end!
Stay strong, your life now is so much better already!
Dani S
Hi there! Yesss!! the TV (that I bought) he would leave on all night and fall asleep in the final stages of the relationshit…so I would come into the room and see him fast asleep in the dark, TV blaring…and I thought to myself, how could someone CHANGE so extremely from doting partner to this. When I’d confront him about it, he would just stare at me, message was do not piss me off or else….he also wanted to show me off to his parents, that he used and exploited…being in a relationship “looked good”and won him brownie points with his parents. They are like very large children crossed with the devil. Another thing he did in the final stages was play heavy metal music loud to shut me out. The lyrics in these songs gave me chills and he liked that. ..he could see my reaction…one song he strategically played and it was about f….ing ‘your daughter’….I have no doubt he would have f…d my mother, my grandmother,my best friend…. the family pet…nothing would surprise me anymore, I would’nt touch him with a barge pole unless it was a wooden one and I would drive it through his heart in self defense.
Frank Lee Speaking
Thanks for the link…really good stuff
Jenna,
When I read your story, I was saddened and p.o.’d that this man so callously disregarded all the hardships and pain He caused. That’s definitely a trait of these people. I struggle with anger every day (pretty much) over all the rubbish that my h-spath has caused me, finding this whole disorder incomprehensible. I’m just sorry that you were targeted, paying a huge price just for knowing him.
Hey Bullet Proof, you will have to find somewhere else to drive that stake into because they don’t have heart! I’m thinking of a really good place right night where to stick it! lol
Mine used to put the sound track to the soprano’s on really loud in his car as he drove up our long drive way home! bahahaha I think he thought he was a gangster or something! Although I wouldn’t trust him and am sure he fantasised about murder and control almost daily!
Bluejay they really are incomprehensible! I still don’t get it and reading Jenna’s doc of her spath really drove home, how sickening and delusional they are. They make me so angry!
Bullet you are so very right, they are like a little demented child, desperately trying to play grown ups but fail miserably and tantrum every time they fail or have been caught out! Mine loved to do the silent treatment ! It is great now I permanently silenced him by walking away, or was that running way! lol
Bullet proof- Of course you bought the TV lol and no doubt paid the electricity and paid for the comfy couch he laid his miserable,body on lol….grrrrrrr! Has anyone located that Island for them yet? 😉
ooo so excited, just came across Love Fraud on Face Book. l love the amount of work and support Donna has put into reaching out to so many people effected by the spath’s.
Donna you deserve the launch of your book to be a sensational success!!! This has been such a powerful tool in my recovery and words cannot express my gratitude and also to the bloggers, that have been the voice of reason, understanding & support…. 🙂
Jenna,
My deepest empathy to you. Thank you so much for including his document, it’s good to know their writing style. Like others have mentioned about his list, there is no depth, no soul, no love. That also disturbed me about my former psychopath, there was no inner life, or if there was, it was very dim, therefore, we had no real intimacy.
Two things struck me about your story. One is that they use good human traits, things that make life enjoyable and worth living, like kindness and love, and use our good qualities to hurt us. It’s intolerably cruel. The other is your term ‘reverse serial rapist.’ You are so right on. Rapists and psychopaths who use sex to get what they want are two sides of the same coin. We consented to sex, but with men and women who don’t actually exist.
Also, please know that you did not do anything wrong. I hope all goes well with your divorce.
Heather
My gosh, I always marvel at the fact that these vampires are all the same. Different faces and places but the same, no soul, cruel, without compassion, and they know it. They defy the law, and anything that is sincere and compassionate, and they smirk with a twisted smile.
I was married to one for 18 years, he deserves an academy award for the best leading actor. He was smooth, charming, knew how to cover up his tracks. I know I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I was a good wife, mother, and took care of my kids and him with the utmost dedication and love. He knew that my life revolved around my family and friends and used them all as leverage. Red flags through the years, but I did not see them clearly. I often thought I was seeing things and second guessing myself, how could I doubt this adoring and kind man, who showered me with gifts and compliments ? Everytime I asked for something, he would perform his song and dance and tell me how the kids would enjoy something else better…blah, blah, blah. It worked. One and half years ago. I was tired of not “connecting” its like a new me took over…enough. I told him a few things that I really wanted and no if ands or buts. His face turned into another persons. I literally saw a different look, his eyes were cold..cold…cold..it sent a shiver through my spine. I was done, although I did not know it right then and there. He was never the same again. Cold cold, disrepected me, silent, never home. I thought I was going crazy. I cried day and night, did not know what was going on. He started to punch holes in walls, scream at me, inches away from my face. Horrible. He was working with my kids in trying to entice them to live with him. Told the kids (12 and 16 at the time) that I was going crazy, thats why I was crying all the time. They wer confused, not knowing what was gong on. Their Dad must be right. I knew he was up to no good. Left it alone, and let him do his thing. Told my family. They were surpirsed, how could this man be the same husband ? Its a good thing I was a good person and credible throughout my life. ONe day he hit me, and my kids saw it. That is what changed everything for them. They instantly knew he was not the same man. He left and never came back, tried to get a hold of the kids but they hung up on him. He finally realized that he was done, discarded me and the kids, has not contacted them since. He already had another women ready, she had 4 kids, and they are his also. My God, these people are monsters. I will never be the same again. My kids are fine, I am focused on making their life good. My daughter is in University, my son is in High School and both love me and respect me. We are a good team, and I thank God every day for the chance tolive again. My kids were spared in the battle, his leaving on his own accord was the best thing. He was a monster disguised as a good husband and father. What a performance. Now we are getting divorced and it is quite the battle. At this point I do not care, what is money compared to regaining my life and my kids life. My daughters ambition is to become a physiocologist, and to really work with personality disorders. I think she will be very good. Take care Jenna, keep thinking that its all past now, the future is so easy compared to what we have endured and seen. Talking about been taken up to a spaceship with aliens….no one really believes us unless they have been throught it. Love to all