Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Jenna.” At the end, she posts a document written by her sociopathic ex about the price of his soul, which provides a unnerving glimpse into how he truly thinks. Names have been changed.
I have spent the last 18 years dealing with a classic sociopath, a man who lies beyond my wildest imagination. I have come to believe that he isn’t just evil that is too easy an explanation. Evil people can’t help themselves; they can be “born bad.” No, this man chooses to be sadistic and mentally cruel. He can be “nice” when he wants to. He has a now four-year-old granddaughter who adores him and thinks her “Papa” hung the moon. If she ever sees on her own what he is, he will be her first broken heart.
He calculates his moves and sets up his victims over a long period of time — feeding off one woman after another, using the exact same pattern, until they no longer are sating his appetite for whatever it is he hungers for money, respect, ego gratification. I have never met anyone like this before. He enjoys what seems to have been his life’s work. He often said he “didn’t like women or children.” I should have listened.
I met him through work in April 1992. I was 44 years old, attractive and I thought relatively intelligent. My boss knew him from a previous job, considered him an associate, and brought him in to do some computer consulting. Looking back, my first impression was that he was focusing on me, trying to impress me. I should have heeded my bells and listened to my first impressions. He was knowledgeable about everything, charming, and I realize now he talked only about himself, his business plans, his big ideas. Going for lunches developed into a relationship. He was never pushy or all over me just the opposite.
Moves in
He moved in with me on January 2, 1993 after I had broken off with him because I thought he was playing me. I went away that Christmas alone, and when I came home, he was ensconced in my home, with the fireplace burning, two dozen long-stemmed red roses, a bottle of wine and a six-page handwritten letter about what a fool he had been and how much he “loved” me. The fool was me; I let him stay.
I had been on my own for a long time so I tried to establish some beginning boundaries. The first year we were together, he had to pay half the rent and half the living expenses, but slowly that morphed into us having joint accounts, and making decisions as a couple.
Within two months, he would fall asleep on the couch watching TV. I worked, he didn’t. He was trying to build a consulting business, but I think he did nothing most days. I’d come home and he’d be busy doing dishes that he had obviously just started, so it would look like he was busy.
No sex
Within six months, he withdrew sex. “I don’t know why” was his stock answer to every attempt to work through this. I thought maybe he had problems so I backed off and learned to live without a normal and healthy love life. It was step one in completely undermining my own self confidence, self image and willingness to walk away. I was mature, had not been committed enough to really work at previous relationships, so my mindset was, “I love this man and I am going to work at this.”
In 1994 he got a job that lasted four months. He talked me into starting my own business and I did freelance accounting. When he was fired from his job I was never able to find out why, but they let him go on a Tuesday and paid him only to the end of that day, which had to mean just cause. Knowing what I know now, no doubt he was inappropriate with female staff or maybe even male staff, because now I wonder about everything. Nothing was as it seemed.
August 1996 and he has just started his second job lasted six months, during which, I find out, he has been having an affair with the receptionist. He moved out March 1997 and came back begging me to give him another chance in May, saying he was nothing without me; he might as well go live on “skid row” because he would never be able to get off the couch again if I wouldn’t take him back. We had a business to consider he reminded me. He made love to me four times during the “take me back” stage. Soon as he was safely back, sex stopped, but he did come to bed at night. In later years, he would sleep in the living room, on the couch every night, in his clothes and only came downstairs to get a change of underwear, knowing that hurt me and was the exact opposite of what I wanted.
In business together
Over the years this scenario was repeated. In 17 years he held down four jobs, all of which lasted max six months. He talked me into going into business with him and we are 50% shareholders in a small home-based business that supported us from 1999 onward. I am seriously living to regret this, as I divorce and try to extricate myself from him. He talked on the phone a lot, and I did all the heavy lifting.
I had my life savings, which wasn’t much, but it bought us the home I live in now. We moved here in 1999. Yet another “job” he had, this time contracted through our company. He lasted five months in what was supposed to be a five-year contract.
I have to say that the privacy act and employer’s unwillingness to share information is a tremendous handicap to women in my position. Even as 50% owner of the company, no one is willing to tell the truth. If any one of the people who saw through him, anywhere along the line, had had the courage to tell me what my husband was up to, it would have opened my eyes. I was getting his side of the story only, and his best skill is, he is a honed and practiced liar. No matter how suspicious or concerned or questioning I might be, he could talk himself out of it, so I’d wind up giving him the “benefit of the doubt.”
Job in Florida
On April 21, 2009 my husband (he wanted to get married in 2003) left “on business” to take a consulting job in Florida. When he left, I prayed that this would be make it or break it. My health and spirit were so broken that his decision to take this job was almost a relief.
A month after he was gone I began to feel better physically, but such was my commitment to my marriage that I actually said out loud, what worried me was he would want to come back, and I wouldn’t want him to. I would feel obligated to take him back, even though I knew I was living in a toxic relationship. A counselor said to me afterwards that if you have a kind heart, cut people some slack and believe in God, and in doing unto others, you are custom made for this type of predator. They count on it! Your decency and your ability to love and forgive are the very tools they use against you.
First month, he web-cammed daily while I helped him get set up, furnish his apartment and paid his bills. He phoned me 10 times a day on his way down to Florida, saying how much he missed me already.
Cheating
The lies kept up until June 27, 2009 when he avoided an opportunity to web-cam home to see our 3-year old Granddaughter who was visiting. Everything began to add up. I spent all day July 1, 2009 trying to figure out how to hire a private detective in Florida. Turns out he had put himself on a dating site within three weeks of arriving there, and he had “grown an inch” from the time he left here. By August he was on Craig’s list as well and had grown yet another inch!
I had to take control of our business servers and over the course of the next few months I received emails from two women, who came after the one the private investigator filmed him with. His story to them he had been a widower for 40 years, had raised his two girls alone, his wife had been tragically killed in a car accident, t-boned when his youngest was just 2 months old. He had sacrificed himself to raise his daughters. Turned out I wasn’t the dead wife he was speaking of he was actually referring to his first wife, who is alive and well and who is still married to the man who really helped her raise the children.
Second woman who contacted me, did so because she had been told I was his “cousin” and I “worked for him” and she wanted to know if I was going to be helping her learn how to work for him. Both the women who contacted me were kind enough to send me the “ads” they answered, and photos of themselves and one even send me photos of them together, which I could have lived without.
My honesty saved the two women who connected with me, but every woman who crosses his path is at risk. I have come to see that he is like a reverse serial rapist. It is all about power and control, and once he assesses what you want and need most from him, in my case, warmth, love and affection, he withholds that from you. He apparently was quite lustful with the women he met on line and I wonder now, who was he cheating on me with during the 10 years we’ve been in this town? A man doesn’t go from being celibate for 17 years to suddenly being active. I now consider it a gift that he didn’t touch me at least I know my health isn’t at risk.
The document
Interestingly enough, in the “document” you read below, the woman referred to as “Marsha” is in fact his first wife (you know, the one who wasn’t killed in a car accident). The second woman he mentions, is the woman he cheated on “Marsha” with and left Marsha for. It would seem that none of us who came after mattered at all.
I found this document while searching his computer using the word “university” because he claimed to have a Bachelor of Commerce degree and I wanted to share that with my lawyer. This document, written by him on Oct. 1, 2005 at 7:30 pm, popped up. His oldest daughter’s birthday. The night after my 58th birthday. Two years and one month to the day after our marriage, and two months before he would “set me up” by putting me as sole director of our company, which as it turns out, has backfired on him, but it was part of a long-term plan he had and was slowly working on, a trap that would be used when he was ready to spring it.
I can tell you that when I opened this document, it embarrassed me to read it. I never knew this man at all. I have no doubt that I was in my office working, or making dinner, or cleaning up after dinner, while he sat in his office writing this. I can tell you that knowing what I know now, he doesn’t have “a soul to sell.”
I’m weeks away from my divorce being final. He has fought me every step of the way, threatening me, filing lawsuits against the company, using the business and my fear of losing my home and what little security I have left. He has harassed both me and my lawyers, gone out of his way to increase my legal fees, hoping to break me. He represents himself, and at every turn is foxier and more cunning than one could ever believe. Normal does not apply. I wonder what the women before me went through and know in my heart, they went through exactly what I am going through. I can’t wait to get rid of his last name legally.
He threw away his life and I need to be punished for that. I wasn’t supposed to find out. I was supposed to continue in the role I had played, the easily conned wife who kept knocking herself out trying to make her marriage work, while he kept his options open and explored for greener fields.
PS: Job in Florida lasted four months, then they let him go. I have no doubt he is trolling for his next food source as I write.
The Price of My Soul
- To return to Easter, 1956 when my parents moved.
- To have all of the knowledge that I have now and have had in the past.
- To be popular with both boys and girls. At school, in clubs and all other parts of my life.
- To excel in sports without injury, particular in hockey, track, football and baseball. To be good enough in football, baseball and track to attract quality athletic scholarships.
- To excel in school without undue effort. To receive the highest marks in every subject, to effortlessly complete all homework and assignments. To receive the highest possible marks on all tests and examinations. To be the valedictorian in both High School, University. To be first in my class in Graduate School.
- To have the inherent ability to make the right and correct choices regarding education, finance, investments and career.
- To be attractive, fit and athletic for my entire life. To live well in to my 90s and to be happy, contented and satisfied with my life. To die with no regrets.
- To never smoke or partake of non-prescription drugs. To always drink alcohol responsibly and never get drunk or impaired.
- To never have an illness and to be immune from all disease.
- To be hardworking, focused and disciplined. To be courteous to everyone. To be calm, soft-spoken and fair. To have, and experience, no prejudice.
- To be unusually attractive to all women, of legal age, regardless of age, race, color, marital status or religious beliefs. To have the inherent ability to communicate my interest to a particular woman and to have her feel a tingle in her loins and know that, by overtly contacting me, she will experience the most satisfying sexual encounter that is it possible to have.
- To have the inherent ability to bring women to the deepest orgasm possible at my whim and thought. To do so, if I wish, just by touch, by stroking, or by any other means that I wish. To have women become addicted to sexual relations with me. To be completely uninhibited in sex and to have each of my partners wish to be willing to try anything. To be able to bring my partners to orgasm orally, anally, vaginally and any other way I choose. To have them long for each way. To be able to bring women to multiple orgasms, including ejaculation, and to be able to experience multiple ejaculations, myself, within minutes of each other. To never lose this ability until my death.
- To never, either myself or a chosen sexual partner, experience a jealous husband, fiancé, lover or friend. To never end a sexual relationship in any way other than as enduring friends.
- To have women become so addicted to my sexual prowess and their satisfaction that they will do anything that I wish to continue the relationship. To have them recommend me to their women friends and to have those friends join us in the relationship.
- To have this attraction begin from the moment of puberty and, until I am of legal age, to have these relationships with women older than myself.
- To have these women pay me for my company until I have graduated from school and have become a wealthy person. It would be my expectation that, beginning at 13 years of age, I would earn $100 per week from each of my lovers and that I would have five lovers. I would expect my income to increase with each year until legal age.
- To have the inherent ability to save my money and to invest in the most profitable manner. To always know the correct time to buy stocks, bonds or other investments and to always know when to sell at the maximum profit. To never make a losing investment.
- To always know the correct time to create a new company or service and to always know the correct time to sell the investment. To never lose money in this manner. To always have prior knowledge of startup companies and to know which ones will succeed and which ones will fail. To always know the optimum time to cash in the investment.
- To be financially well of by the age of 18. To be a millionaire by the age of 20. To be a multi-millionaire by the age of 25. To be a billionaire by the age of 30 and to be the richest man in the world by the age of 40. To remain so until my death.
- To be asked to mingle in the highest levels of society all over the world. To be politically astute and to have political influence worldwide.
- To never marry and to never have children. To die, peacefully and happy, having left a legacy of both deeds and money that will be invested for good. To have planned those investments so that they will never stop working for good.
- To have several loving relationships during my lifetime. To love deeply and be loved deeply. One of those relationships is to be with Marsha Jackson and the other with Susan Morris. Both are to be deeply satisfying for everyone involved but are not to be monogamous on my part. As in other relationships, they will be so satisfied that they will want to share me with their female family members and friends.
- To be an outstandingly accomplished dancer. To be able to bring a women to climax just by whispering in her ear while dancing. To be able to engage in a conversation, with a woman, about absolutely anything. To have her feel no offense at the most intimate of conversations and comments. To be able to bring her to climax during those conversations.
- To be appreciative and knowledgeable of the arts. To be an engaging and interesting speaker. To have an inherent ability to lead people in the direction I choose for them to go. To always do so for good, never evil.
- To be truly satisfied and happy in everything that I do. Especially in each and every sexual relationship that I have. To be able to give the deepest possible pleasure to my partner and, in turn, to receive the same.
lmaorotf – I had a good cantalope the other day…water melon sounds real good tho…I used to sell watermelons on the side of the road with my dad and uncle – i think they were one dollar for the biggest – oh I remeber those black diamond melons i can smell em now – no i dont remember it being hot like this when i was a kid…
It wasn’t this HUMID when we were kids, just dry heat up here in the hills.
One year my grandpa planted 3 acres of melons and the mice ate the seed, so he replanted and they came off late, at the time they came off they were a penny a pound, so he didn’t even pick them up or bring them to the house.
I would go out every morning when it was cool, and break a big melon and eat the cool heart out of it, and I GRAZED my way through three acres of melons before he turned the hogs in to eat them. Ahhhhh that was HEAVEN on earth!
Stone mountain was the “brand” of melons back then, but I like the Black Diamonds too. And the peaches n’ creame sweet corn. I used to graze my way through his field corn too, till he figured out it was me and not the coons getting the green ears! I was smart enough to make it look like it was coons doing it but he finally caught me! LOL Got away with it for a couple of years. I like sweet corn or even field corn that is young green and raw. Throw the shucks to the donks and they will BRAYYYYYYY for you
what are we haven a picni9c over here?
nah me and ox are remembering the ice age back when we were kids
No, EB wasn’t too rough. Thank you all.
My lack of confidence and confusion stems from lack of guidance from my lawyer. He sends a letter, here is his lawyer’s stuff, tell me when you’ve reviewed it.
I will give docs to his lawyer by 22nd. If my fin planner isn’t ready with report, I’ll tell my lawyer she needs more time and why, esp. if she needs more info from him.
I asked for an appt for a 2nd opinion with R. the baracuda lawyer. I HOPE I can see him Tue/WEd and hear his advice. I’ll switch on the spot if I can be clear of how he’d attack bec. with current lawyer it’s clear as mud.
H’s lawyer used a veiled threat in interrogatory that I he’ll use “witnesses” regarding my nonexistent affairs. It’s a no fault state anyhow, but my lawyer said that he CAN bring up things like this, and he DID respond to the accusation to the family masters and mentioned H’s abuse that I tolerated a long time.
I wonder if my lawyer (esp. the baracuda one) CANd and SHOULD go for the jugular in asserting greater fault in H based on my report of emotional and mental abuse? I have journals with records of his behaviors, but no police report. Once he locked me out of the house with small child in the car and I brought back cop so he’d let me in. Thre is no record at police bec. it’s too long ago. Another time he broke down door jamb to come in my BR and pressed me against wall holding me by the neck, but I have no proof or witnesses, thoug it might be in my journal. CAN I use these against him? In interrogatory he answered a question, “I never touched DW in anger.” He did not hit me, but he did grab me by the neck that time, drove maniacally in the car many times, punched holes in walls and dented furniture, and broke a door out of the wall. In a no fault state, I wonder if these are a waste of time?
Yes, my first reaction is to fall for his intimidation each time. I didn’t react by writing to my lawyer, or by writing to my husband. I DO know that my fin. planner is working to come up with a documented fact based report about how to divide assets, what I want and need, and why based on real figures.
I think I have to switch lawyers bec. this one give me no confidence and no guidance and definitely does not go for the jugular or let on that he can and will.
Thank you very much for the push, bop on the head, and pep talk. Please stick with me in the next week, I’ll report developments with fin planner and hopefully 2nd lawyer’s advice.
THANK YOU!!
Oxy, I enjoyed reading about your childhood memories … running through your grandfather’s fields. I believe if we focus on the fond memories in our life, tuck the bad ones way to the back of our minds, the fond ones flourish to the surface … ensuring we stay happy, content and mellow as we age.
It’s our choice how we want to live. I opt for happy, content and mellow.
Thanks for sharing your memories with us.
Warrior…..we are here….and ain’t going nowhere.
I would stick to financial facts only.
Let him be the muddy water mud slinger….if he can’t prove anything……well who looks like the ass?
If your gut says to switch….then switch!
It will delay your case by several months to give him time to prepare…but hey….you’ve come this far huh…….
In my case….switching was a KEY move for me. But each case and person is different with different circumstances involved. Only YOU can decide that……but now is the time to make all decisions and stick with em.
If your fiinancial person can’t get the records done….HAVE HER submit a letter……
Not you.
Sure, anyone can bring up anything……I know in my state…..(com. prop state) lawyers won’t do it unless it makes a difference…..because it makes them out to be hounds….and scoundrals….they dont’ want that sort of rep with the judges…..they want to be respected and given the benefit of the doubt when needded for their client….that they are doing all they can to ‘move’ the cse along.
YOU know all the facts in your case….don’t ‘think’…..act….(on your instincts).
My attorney sent me docs to review THEN we’d discuss. She’d advise and I’d either agree or not….and we’d make a decision on proceeding forward. I was very intent on certain things……like a deposition….not so much for the divorce….BUT for the cleanup later….GREAT MOVE…and she never questioned me…..I paid her, she did it. It wasn’t underhanded or nasty….it was just a deposition of which she asked the 14 pages of questions I wanted ‘memorialized’ under oath….along with her questions. It was a succes.
YOU need to be clear with any attorney….ask him ….how does he communicate with his cleints…..insist on email communication…because it’s documented….and quick. Insist on meeting a few times to ensure your on the same page….but not neceeary too often….if your emailing inbetween. Ask him his procedure of returning phone calls…..and be clear on this.
Ask him how he proceeds through this divorce process….
and KEEP IT business!!!!
Make clear he understands what a cluster B personality disorder is……..and what he’s dealing with….
they don’t cooperate , lie when mouth open, and the rest is ‘
normal’ male behaviors during divorce…..hiding assets, quitting jobs, claims less than has…..etc….all the things attorneys see day in day out….but each man thinks he’s paving new ground.
Ask him ‘how’ far will he go to protect you and child in this?
If your up and up with him……and don’t appear underhanded…..he’s gonna respect you and fight for ya.
tha’ts the goal!
They don’t want to be your physchologist…..they want to be your attorney.
You’ll do fine!
DancingWarrior……..the responses to your current issues with the attorney and pre-trial bullshirt are spot-on, kiddo.
During the court proceedings with the ex spath, I had to develop a mantra, of sorts: lawyers are PAID to do these things. It’s nothing personal, Dancing, it’s business. These attorneys don’t have even a fleeting thought of you or the soon-to-be-ex-spath after billable hours. It’s BUSINESS. Once Court is over, all of these attorneys get together at the Lawyer Pub and drink together while they discuss particular aspects of their legalese and who did the better job.
The words and tone being used are simply to cause the opposing side to cave in, period. The sooner the attorney can clear the case, the quicker they can move on to the next paying client – plain and simple. For the spath survivors in these situations, it’s very easy for us to be triggered by the veiled threats, demands, and accusations. SAY YOUR MANTRA!!! “They are paid to do this, they are paid to do this, they are paid to do this…” and so on.
I had to force myself to accept this Truth, and whatever you have to do to “get it” about the culture of “Law,” DO IT. Practice deep breathing exercises to help yourself relax. Say the mantra until you believe it. Take a hot, soaking bath and read a good book while you’re soaking.
EB’s post, above, is spot-on, again. MAKE SURE that your attorney clearly understands Cluster B traits – in layman’s terms. Ask your attorney the “hard” questions that EB suggested – HOW FAR is the attorney willing to go to earn his/her fees? The attorney has the POWER to file motions, demand disclosure, and open the nastiest can of worms on your behalf. They are on YOUR payroll, Dancing, and it’s important that they know that YOU know this.
God bless you, Dancing – this legal dance is never simple, especially if a spath is involved. Come onto the blog and rant, rave, and vent your fears and vulnerabilities. Then, when it’s attorney-time or showtime in Court, put on your Big Girl Pants and prepare for battle. Throw off the gauntlets and let the dance begin!! Strength, courage, and fortitude – you have these attributes, or you’d still be with the spath!
TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brightest blessings to you!!!!
Hi EB,
Thank you. My Lwyr wrote me to “review and let’s discuss”. I’ve had the talk w/him about not being on the same page before masters hearing and he said he understood me.
“If your up and up with him—and don’t appear underhanded”..he’s gonna respect you and fight for ya.
tha’ts the goal!?
I just DON’T KNOW that he’s gonna fight for me when that hour comes. I don’t know if I’m jumping to conlusions that he won’t. I am not sure he BELIEVES that I am not underhanded. It looks like he believes the other lawyer, or H’s weird lying idiotic insinuations. I don’t think he cares at all about cluster B personality disorder, when he says, “Oh you told me, narcissistic personality…he says it like it’s something generic like a guy with a big ego, or someone who’s just a regular pain in the arse, but not a toxic, malicious, sneaky, lying, sociopath. He’ll even defend him and say, “Maybe he just doesn’t LIKE talking to lawyers. I don’t know him. I don’t know why he’d rather talk to you.” Arrgh, frustrating.
Rick told me last year if H. wanted to pick up something from house, I give him his “toothbrush” at the door and say goodbye, or I put his stuff in a box on the porch so rain doesn’t ruin it and tell him when to pick it up. He was THAT clear and simple. And I hadn’t even engaged him to represent me then. My lawyer has never talked to me that direct and reassuring about my legal rights, so I feel insecure about what may or may not happen, and anxious about my rights and protection.
Fin. planner said she’d have stuff for me Sunday.
Please tell me if my plan makes sense?
Plan A:
meet with MY lawyer, discuss plan including my fin. planner’s advice/report. Ask him HOW he’ll fight for me/protect my and child’s future. Ask him HOW he’ll deal with offensive attacks and distracting behaviors from other side.
Next week I HOPE, meet with lwyr Rick, too, show him fin. planner’s advice and ask his strategy. Feel in my gut and see in my head whose approach rings correct for me.
PLAN B:
If I strongly lean toward more clarity and confidence with Rick as I have in the past, ask him what he’ll need to prepare, how much needs to be done, and how much time it should take to finish.
I’ve already done a lot–fin. affidavit will be ready, proposal and response and masters recommendation have been made. Now it’s a matter of strategy to get an advntage in negotiation–I am NOT SURE if a deposition would make a difference or be necessary. We don’t have a lot of money. It seems clear what he has. I don’t think anymore that he is hiding assets.
If my lawyer has paved the way with many of the clerical things and preliminary process, and Rick could just go for the offensive better–that’s what I need to understand.
I am sure Rick will want to get my business and he will try to persuade me that he can and will repreent me better.
I couldn’t afford him at $375/hour. His consult is $300/hour, which is fine. I don’t know if he can safely predict the number of hours he’ll reasonably need to conclude the job. The case has been in court a whole year and I believe both sides lwrys are under pressure to move it to conclusion. Pretrial is end of August.
What about this–the fin. docs H sent seem incomplete. The interrogatory asked for three years’ bank statements. Cursorily looking, he gave only current statement for some, and maybe less than a year of credit card. Do I pay money to demand ALL of the documents? Why are they really necessary if I know his salary, his retirement, and the BIG PICTURE numbers are revealed in the taxes and soc. security earnings summary? If my fin. planner can work with what he gave, then I figure why do I have to worry–she knows more than I do. Right?
Hi Buttons,
Thanks, Yes they are paid to do this. I guess what pushes my buttons is that I read between the lines and see just the things my husband WOULD or DID say, and the kind of horrible ugly bickering he’d engage in. So it’s like he is guiding her hand in writing nasty letters. Maybe I read into it by projecting my own anger at the husband and magnify the aggessive tone in the letter.
I always liked the potted plant analogy–when in court and these actors are presnet–X2B and his lawyer–that I can stay inside my body, breathe, and have them in my periphery as potted plants that have no power to injure me. I also liked the image of a worm in a bubble with the mouth moving, but the sound coming out doesn’t matter and can’t do any harm. 🙂
I cried today. I haven’t done that for a long time.
I have been mostly NC for 1 yr now.
I have never gotten him out of my mind though.
The scientific article on our brain’s addiction helped.
I have waffled between believing and not believing he is an S.
You know, give him a chance….
It was the Price of my Soul Document that really hit home today. Wanting to be paid for his sex. – whoa baby!!!
Oxy and Henry – it was your spirit and grit that made me cry.
I love you guys so much. You have saved my life.
I just need to clear my head of him forever.