Downton Abbey was on TV last night, and Terry and I are among the millions of fans. Last night’s episode (Season 3, Episode 4) ended in tragedy because of behavior that looked so familiar to me.
(Spoiler Alert: The following description gives away the story.)
Lord Grantham’s daughter, Lady Sybil, is about to give birth. Rather than depend on the local country doctor, Dr. Clarkson, Lord Grantham has imported a more socially acceptable obstetrician, Sir Philip Tapsell, to deliver the baby. As the birth approaches, both doctors are in attendance at the estate.
Lady Sybil starts acting incoherently. Dr Clarkson fears that she may be toxemic. He recommends that they rush to the hospital so the baby can be delivered immediately by C-section. Sir Philip insists that nothing is wrong—Lady Sybil is experiencing a normal childbirth. The two doctors argue in front of the entire family and the nature of the argument is why I’m describing the show.
Dr. Clarkson worries that Lady Sybil may be in grave danger, but admits that he doesn’t know for sure. Sir Philip, on the other hand, is totally confident that nothing is wrong. He never wavers. He is pompous in his confidence. He practically sneers at the country bumpkin doctor for being an alarmist, and actually tells him to shut up.
Lord Grantham notes that Dr. Clarkson isn’t sure about the possible danger, whereas Sir Philip is 100% confident that everything is fine. He sides with Sir Philip, and they do not go to the hospital.
Lady Sybil goes into labor and the baby is born. But a short time later, she goes into convulsions and dies.
Argued like a sociopath
Dr. Clarkson was right all along. But Sir Philip spoke with unshakeable self-confidence, unwaveringly certain that he knew best. He argued like a sociopath.
I am not saying that the Sir Philip character is a sociopath. But I am saying that his extreme confidence, his self-righteousness and his hubris are all traits that sociopaths display when they are pushing to get their way.
I write about this in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud:
How do they do it? How do sociopaths convince you to go along with their agendas, even to your own detriment?
They command it. This is a function of their charisma because they command unflinchingly, with complete self-confidence, they get results. Now, this doesn’t mean sociopaths are always barking orders. Often the commands are delivered on cushions of sweetness, or camouflaged as appeals for sympathy. But in their minds, whatever sociopaths want, they are totally entitled to have. Therefore, when they make their desires known, they show no doubt, only certainty. Compliance is demanded, and targets respond.
Those of us who are not disordered usually aren’t as adamant in expressing our views, opinions or desires. We may think we’re right, but recognize that we could be wrong. We may know what we want, but we’re willing to compromise. So when we come across people who communicate vociferously and forcefully well, we tend to be bowled over. Because of the sheer force of their words, we tell ourselves that they must know what they’re talking about, they’re telling the truth, and they’re right.
My ex-husband’s convincing lies
I’m soon going to be on another TV show I’ll tell you all more when I have details. The producer asked me if I had any more video or audio of my ex, James Montgomery. Well, I found some tapes that I had forgotten about recordings of voice mails, and a recording of our first telephone conversation when I arrived home after leaving him. The tapes illustrate the steamroller tactics with which he argued even when he was lying.
Let me set the scene. James Montgomery swept into my life, portraying himself as a successful entrepreneur. He invited me to be part of his business plans, which, if I could help him get started, were sure to make us fabulously wealthy. He pressured me to lease a car for him it was in my name, and I made all the payments. To feed his unending need for money, I drained my savings and loaded about $60,000 in debt to my previously zero-balance credit cards.
Montgomery also told me he was a member of the Australian military who had heroically served in Vietnam, and still acted as a consultant, particularly on terrorism. He often flew to Florida, telling me he was stopping by MacDill Air Force base in Tampa, home of the Special Operations Command. While there, he was able to get around by borrowing the cars of other military members that were parked at the base.
In December 1998, Montgomery dragged me to Florida, saying he had a contract to open a Titanic show in Orlando. We spent money we didn’t have to move down there. A few weeks later Montgomery admitted he never had a contract. Then, while he was flying to yet another business meeting, I discovered that he had fathered a child with another woman during our marriage. I left Florida, and took the car that he had been driving.
So, here’s part of my conversation with James Montgomery when I was back at my home in New Jersey. (Warning: Contains some profanity.)
Here’s what I know now that I didn’t know during the conversation. My entire marriage was a financial scam. James Montgomery was never in the military. When he travelled to Florida, he was visiting other women including, but not limited to, the mother of the child., who probably owned the car he drove.
Yet listen to how he argued about the car. I was wrong for taking the car back to New Jersey, which inconvenienced him. I was wrong about him using cars from the base. And I was stupidly ignorant about the policy for using military cars. Montgomery was adamant and self-righteous in his argument even though everything he said was a lie.
At the time, the conversation was terribly upsetting. He threw many more accusations and threats at me, which, because of the conviction of his words, made me wonder if he was right.
Later, I discovered that everything he said that day, and practically everything he said during our marriage, was a lie no matter how convincingly the words were stated.
I didn’t know someone could lie with such confidence and conviction. And that’s how I got into the entire mess.
Good Morning, Seeing Clearly here, haven’t commmeted in a while but have come here quite often to read and learn. My reason today is that I clicked on the link that Kim Frederick posted. All (3) of my security walls flew open with a warning or threat. Please proceed with caution. Thank you all for being here.
Happy day to all of you.
I found a host of articles about the word choices and speach of psychopaths who had been convicted of murder. The point, though, is not that they were murderers, but that they were psychopaths, and that they could be identified by their speach patterns.
Here’s one:
http://www.disinfo.com/2011/10/identifying-psychopathic-killers-by-their-own-word-choices/
That was an interesting article, Kim, and there were some other interesting links on the same page….like the one about handedness
Thanks Kim,
I also clicked on the “read more” to the source site for the longer article.
Isn’t it interesting they speak more about and put more emphasis on physical needs. It reminds me of the “positive disintegration” theory where the level I integration is the one that dominates the psychopath’s personality: “Marked by selfishness and egocentrism (both reticent and explicit), those at level one development generally seek self-fulfillment above all, justifying their pursuits through a sort of “it’s all about me” thinking; or, more simply put, they adhere strongly to the phrase “the end justifies the means”, sometimes disregarding the severity of the “means”.
Since they have such low degree of emotions and no regard for other human beings their daily life pursuit is for those “primary” needs, but never those of emotional/mental and social development (soul searching). They simply do not have what it takes to develop on those levels, nor can’t perceive it. All that stirrs them and they can actually experience is physical stimuli. Hence food, sex, and material bling bling is their most important need, not able to conceive that a hug, a smile, a good conversation, doing something for someone else can be more satisfying than food, sex or bling bling.
darwinsmom-
More moments of feeling slapped in the head! The stuff about ‘primary needs’ got me.
My ex-gf started out with me about being a ‘spiritual ‘ person.
There were the Wayne Dyer books, Sunday School memories, family values….
But that was all talk. She only seemed to function in the realm of what you mention as ‘primary needs.’ For her, life seemed to revolve around those things. There were epiphanies and realizations and all the stories about abuse and hardship but – why didn’t I detect a ‘soul’ and a ‘heart’?
In the end she wrote: “I’m tired of feeling guilty for wanting what I want.” (Material things – mostly.) I feel like I need to find that letter and read it again.
KatyDid-
Thank you for all that you wrote.
It means a lot to me.
my 3 yr old granddaughter looked up at me one day & asked me, why did i divorce her grandfather, my husband, the father of her mother? at this point i was two marriages later- the second husband who’d rescued me from that first one turned out to be a much more dangerous type of sociopath- at least that was how i thought of him at that point–
but what do you say? how do you possibly quantitate succinctly and understandably 12 years of the worst quicksand a human being can walk through, put it into terms not only justifying your actions but also simply enough that a very young child can understand? my mind spun. between this, my first grandchild, and myself, was a very straight and strong line of communication, always. it was importanat to me.
finally, my spinning wheel mind stopped. on one phrase that defined it all…and so very very much more.
“he lied” i told her. “he lied about everything. always. you can’t live your life with that in your closest circle. it will kill you and everyone dependent upon you.”
it almost had, still is a daily threat because i raised my children in a life that was, at it’s best, an illusion, at it’s worst, homeless…threatened by a whole order of people who were similarly “challenged”. nothing and no one was safe for us, as he had inserted lies about me to my own family and any friends along the way. i was, unbeknownst to me, “the bad guy”. he even, when i made it clear i really really was serious about a divorce (not the kind of games he’d played with me constantly) he took our first-grade son out and did his “poor poor me” act, crying on this very young child’s shoulders that mommy had been the one screwing around all along, that mommy was just toying with his poor heart, etc, etc…that i was the liar, the thief of the life, the one who’d always jerked the rug out from under his feet….that i was destroying poor poor daddy, who simply had no one else to cry to but his loving little son, so sorry, i just had to have someone, he said to this 7 yr old child….
sure he did. so i will always have that planted doubt and fear to deal with from my son, worse, so will my son. this is how a truly adept sociopath controls the people closest to him…
There are sociopaths everywhere but.. and their main tool is their ability to lie..
http://blog.womenexplode.com/2012/05/09/sociopaths-and-psychopaths-in-the-fields-of-.aspx
Darwinsmom,
I noticed priest/pastor on the list.
When I was a kid in Catholic school we had a 5th grade teacher who was a nun. She came to school crying so often that she had a nervous breakdown and had to leave her job. She told us that the other nuns were bullying her because she didn’t want to give up wearing her habit (the nun’s veil), although they had been given permission to dress as regular people.
Looking back now, I see that she was attacked by spath nuns. What I can’t figure out is why a spath would become a nun. Sure, it’s the perfect mask, but what’s the upside? Lots of victim-supply?
That conversation sent chills up my spine. I so remember those totally confident outbursts that made me doubt my own memory, sanity, and self. They could go on for hours, battering my self-esteem and self-confidence even lower.
It has been 5 1/2 years since I left our relationship and 11 years since we met. I have had extensive counseling and I know everything you say to be true. Even so, there are times I look back with longing for someone who wasn’t really ever there. Such is the sociopath. Such is the wound they leave.
Such is the co-dependent enabler.
I do, however, have a much better, calmer, more peaceful life and I am quick to recognize my own triggers and the dynamic I want to avoid in relationships with others (all relationships – sociopathic people don’t have to be partners, they can be friends, family members, business associates, etc.)
Thank you for this site, Donna, you have turned your experience into something so positive and helpful. It has certainly helped me.
sky,
The dutch word was more general for someone holding a power function in the church. It could include women.
As for nuns: there was a certain special status to being a nun, certainly for women at a time who didn’t have much career opportunity anyways. The internal structure is very hierarchical.