Lovefraud recently received the following question from a reader:
When a sociopath targets his victim, does he think and create a plan as to HOW he is going to manipulate his prey to glean what he wants, or is this just second nature to him? How can he spend MONTHS being such a kind, considerate person, going out of his way to do the “little” things that matter in life, before turning into the evil monster?
When you have been deceived and manipulated by a sociopath, the most difficult idea to grasp is how totally different people with this personality disorder are from the rest of us. Their behavior is different from everything we thought we knew about human interaction.
Sociopaths—both male and female—seem to be missing the parts that make the human race human. There is no deep warmth. There is no true caring. There is only fake warmth and fake caring, which disappear immediately once sociopaths decide they have no further use for us.
How do they become like this? According to Dr. Liane Leedom, it’s their different motivation.
Power motivation v. love motivation
Normal people, who do not have a personality disorder, are motivated by both love and power.
We feel emotional love for family, friends, neighbors, and even animals or causes, that are important to us. We care about everything we love, which makes us take action to please, support and protect them.
Normal people also have a healthy power motivation. This is what makes us pursue achievement, leadership and recognition. But our power motivation is kept in check by our love motivation. Therefore, although we strive for accomplishment, we’re willing to strive fairly, without injuring other people as we pursue our goals.
In sociopaths, there is no balance between their love motivation and power motivation. The defining characteristic of real love is caring about another person’s health and wellbeing, and this is practically nonexistent in sociopaths. Their power motivation, however, is out of control. All they really want is to win, to control and to dominate others.
Born to be manipulative
Sociopathy (technically called antisocial personality disorder or psychopathy) is highly genetic. That means children can be born with a genetic predisposition to the personality disorder. Whether this genetic predisposition “expresses,” or becomes active, depends in part on the child’s environment, including the parenting he or she receives. When sociopathic parents are part of the child’s life, their notoriously bad parenting may encourage their offspring’s latent disorder to develop.
When children are born with a genetic predisposition to the personality disorder, what it means in practice is that they have a stronger power motivation than love motivation. From a very early age, these children derive little pleasure from warmth, affection and closeness, and much more enjoyment from getting what they want. Therefore, the children learn, essentially through trial and error, how to behave in order to get what they want. They learn manipulation techniques—and spend their lives perfecting them.
Games sociopaths want to win
To get back to the Lovefraud reader’s question, I think sociopaths pursue both avenues of manipulation, depending on the individual and circumstance. Yes, they think and plan about how to get you to deliver what they want. And yes, they’ve been doing it for so long that much of their behavior is second nature. They are opportunistic, so when chances to manipulate you pop up, they know exactly how to capitalize on them.
Because their objective is to win, sociopaths view their interactions with you as a game. Some sociopaths have the patience to play the game as long as necessary in order to score that win. Then, when they’veachieved their objective, they’re finished. The charade is over, and you find, to your horror, that everything the sociopath said and did was designed to deceive you.
Even tonight my s-path husband accidentally sent me a text message intended for my 16-year-old son: “Even if mom asks don’t let on that we had this conversation. But when it is natural to say so, tell her that you’ve noticed that I’ve grown in many areas (my business, care of the property, etc). And that you know I care about her very much.” And so the children of spaths are used as conduits to further the parent’s agenda. After 7 years of separation, the s-path husband is aware that I’m very close to filing for a divorce. He has enlisted the sympathy and support of our very large family. I am amazed at how he rationalizes and reconstructs history. He seems to believe in these rationalization, that he is in fact self-decieved. Is it really possible that he is a cold and calculating liar? His thinking is so convoluted and his defense mechanisms so impermeable! When I’m in his presence I’m in danger of being pulled back into that strong current. I believe the rule of “no contact” protects us from further self-doubt and emotional turmoil.. He is so convincing, I fall into the whirlpool of momentary self-doubt .
Very interesting article. I have come to the belief that all of us are 50% nature and 50% nurture. Then, as adults, we make the choices about what parts are good and respectful and what parts are wrong and disrespectful. I believe spaths can all make those choices. There may be some who projected spath behavior as children and then were nurtured correctly and make good decisions about how to behave and there may be some that have an almost identical proclivity for spath behaviors and appropriate nurturing and make a choice that being a spath is what they want.
Mine drank over the weekend. Broke another rule. I think it’s the last broken promise. The only thing left is not to pay his share of the bills. I found out on my own with information I kept from his debit card and confronted him with it. He says he’s in pain from the leg while waiting for the next surgery, doesn’t want the Lortab (doubt that’s true), tried drinking and got sick. He said, “I think I’ve paid for it.” I said, “No, I don’t think you’ve ever paid for anything you’ve done. You are a liar and you’ve hurt hundreds of people.” He becomes very upset when I remind him he is a liar. When I ask him what he would call it,he says “addict.” I let him know there are addicts who don’t ruin everything good and lie about everything possible. (Probably not many, but some…especially in real recovery). Sad. He hadn’t had a drink in four years to my knowledge. I need the money as I’ve said before. If it did make him sick, could be the last time. Who will ever know? He is in terrible pain supposedly and started walking the half mile to the local liquor store on a WALKER with a broken leg that has not healed properly after one surgery. He says “a guy” saw him and took him to liquor store and back. So some local person in my small town picked up a drunk on a walker and dropped it off at MY house! Idiots. I took his debit card and told him he gets no cash unless I know what it’s for if he wants to stay here. If he doesn’t want to stay here, he needs to take the VA housing when it is available. I think that is probably what he will do. He wants to drink himself to death because he is in pain. Spaths sure are weak weenies about pain. I guess they are “entitled” to never get old and sick after abusing their minds and bodies for decades. I personally think spaths and APD’s use lies and deceit as their ONLY plan. I don’t think the truth is even a viable choice for them at any time.
I am also interested in seeing a link to a low cholesterol study. Maybe if they are narcissists and want to keep their bodies lean? Mine has always had horrible cholesterol, overweight, and smokes.
I am very glad to see more people here whom have dealt with female spaths. EVERYONE whom has dealt with a sociopath needs reassurance and support and the more everyone who are willing to share and deal with the aftereffects regardless of gender, the better off the world will be.
Thank you for a wonderful article. Every time I start to soften, feel sorry for him, want to send something thoughtful & sweet to ‘The Illusion’ lovefraud brings me back to reality.
I have worked very hard over the past year to get on with my life, give myself some forgiveness for having been a victim of abuse which ends up with me forgiving him because he is SICK and TWISTED which is out of my control, so I start to remembed the good times.
..BUT fact is that he targeted me as a challenge. He destroyed my marriage ( like several women he destroyed before me) won me away from a wonderful man, then discarded me because I was no longer a challenge. He stole my integrity & shattered my soul which I need to keep remembering when I start to soften the thoughts.
The Gift, if I look at it in that light, is that my life now is so dramatically different & ultimately much better because now ALL that try to step over my now FIRM boundaries don’t have a chance. Good people have moved Into the spaces formerly filled by The Illusion and his brainwashed followers. Chaos is gone & I’m starting to live again.
Wishing us all continued strength.
Serenity, I can relate to your story. My sociopath attempted to steal me away from my wife and very nearly did. Luckily, after convincing me to cheat on my wife and sleep with her, she showed her true self before I actually left my wife to be with her. Apparently all she wanted from me was sex. She was so nice and sweet for about 3 months and then turned very ugly and evil. Thank God my wife was willing to take me back. And she had done this same thing to many others before me. Seducing married people, getting them to fall in love with her and cheat on their spouse and then dropping them is her favorite game and she’s very good at convincing even the most loyal spouse to do it. In fact, the more you claim to love your spouse in the beginning like I did, the more she enjoyed the challenge.
AV… i hadnt thought about it like that until your post. Thank you for clarity! The Illusion was envious of the great relationship I had with my husband…it was after he admitted that when he started his intense demolition process.
Truly what ‘they really want is to win, to control and to dominate others’ can’t be a more true statement.
Nobody in the world could be more magical, soul mated, successful, passionate… blah blah…than he was and he literally wins won everything he covets & goes after. He figured out a weak chink in my armor & didnt stop pursuit until I gave in, he won, then moved onto the next one… poor soul eloped with him within 5 months after he dump me ( public postings about soulmates, most passionate… blah blah) now she’s his possession & slave (boys & girls please note: if its too good to be true its NOT REAL!).
My spouse does not know everything, but he knew enough that he should have walked away from me. He really must be a good guy if he took me back & offered forgiveness. Been a hard road tho.
I’m so happy for you that your wife took you back as well, and wish you peace & kindness.
serenity,im sorry to hear of your experience….i truely know how you feel…im glad to hear you are moving on with your life and healing……its so easy to fall into that place again of feeling sorry for them….cause thats what they do,they play on our emotional heart strings and we want to rescue them…..but would they be there to rescue us? no ! they dont think of our feelings and only see their own needs……your right what we had was an illusion…….god i was so happy with my illusion……hadnt a clue what was going on …..guess i was just so trusting and caring and forgiving i made excuses for things and let her have free rein to do what ever she wanted…i was happy at the time to do that as i felt safe with her….that was the illusion….i wasnt safe at all…i have been so devasted for a long time realising what happened….i let myself fall apart and give up on life cause i have been so hurt……..people always said time is a great healer and i would say they hadnt a clue……but yes i guess like all things..time does heal and life has a natural order of healing…and it has taken me almost 3 years to get to this place where im starting to recover my life…..
i was really enlightened by what you said serenity about the gift…!
there is definitely something to be learned by our experiences with a disordered person,a person with an anti social personality disorder/sociopath………like you i have learned to have boundaries that i dont think were ever in place in my life…….now i keep myself very firm and protect myself and my litle world from harm……and every time i get sad and feel loss of the ex in my life i think of all that she did to hurt me….all the deceit and lies and i think to myself do i want to be hurt again…as much as i sometimes miss her/miss what i thought i had/miss the life we shared for so long….i dont miss the chaos/the dramas/the fears/the stories/the illness now i know all made up…..and i dont miss having someone live off me…..i have learned through this experience what i want out of life,what i will except and what i wont except and im happy to hear im not the only one setting new boundaries and trying to recover their life…..
during this experience i never thought id recover…..i used to walk around thinking of killing myself everyday..the loss of the relationship was so great coupled with the uncovering of the truth,but i knew the relationship was over and i had to walk away….and knowing that i walked through hell…..i cant believe i have come this far…some days are harder than others but i have alot more good days…..now thank god.
i knew i had to go no contact cause the hurt/the anger and the hate for what she did to me was too much….and it was going to consume me……i dont want to be that kind of person who hates…then im letting her abuse continue as i abuse myself…..it will take time and patience and lots of prayer/lots of meditations/lots of reading/lots of me time and healing /and most of all no contact so as i can move on and let go of the anger towards her and move on with my life……cause i know if i was to see her and talk to her i would fall into that same trap of feeling sorry for her again and giving what little is left of me…..and for the first time in my life i have to think of me and walk away….BOUNDARIES…! thats what i have learned too from this experience……
my councellor asked me to rewrite my script in life…….and i have been sitting with this for a few weeks…she said write what you want out of life /your dreams /your hopes/what you like to do……what you want for your self and look back and think how has my script changed now since before i met the spath…well i have definitely changed..for one i used to think i had to give to make someone happy…so she had me at the word go,she must have thought all her christmas`s had come at once…..me the no limit giver and her the ultimate taker……now i realise i dont have to give to be loved….but first i must learn to love myself…..
definitely this experience has changed me…..i wouldnt have asked for it….never.but i will seek better treatment from a partner and trust wont come easy….
once again serenity i wish you well in your continued healing and send you blessings.
I’m having a BAD DAY. I have been doing well and then took a call from the Spath last night!! I was a bit bored, had drunk too much wine and let him talk to me. I’ve told him I will not go back to him and I don’t even like him. He is still coming out with the same old lies blah blah blah. I wanted a bit of drama and chaos and I’m paying the price today. I have a toxiic hangover from the contactI’ve blocked him on my phone butcould see that he had been trying to phone and texted him to tell him to stop stalking me.
It was interesting that he let his ‘nice’ mask slip a few times and threatened me about contacting my children and ex-husband. The problem for him is, that he hasn’t got anything to tell them about me. I actually have nothing to hide. All the same, I didn’t like his attitude.
I know that all he wants is to gain control and he is desperate to see me in person to try to ‘lovebomb’ me and get me ready for disposal. 95% of me is not tempted to see him, but 5% is. That part of me that is the addict, the drama queen. The part of me that misses the non-existent person I thought the spath was. Before the ugly reality of his mental illness became apparent.
Since the spath has been removed from my life, I’ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone and moving forward. Today I feel like I’ve gone backwards. I feel miserable, can’t concentrate, and I don’t want to see anybody. I feel empty most of the time if I’m honest and I’m sick of it. I need to stop ALL CONTACT, including looking at his new victim’s facebook page. But I find it hard, I’m still raw and angry.
He does know I don’t like him or want him, so hopefully he won’t contact me again. He’s busy grooming his ex and his new woman as well as arranging one off sex with various other women. I think he’ll leave me alone. And I need to leave him alone, He can offer me NOTHING but lies and pain and will strip me of any self respect that I’m building up.
I know there’s a gift in this for me and that I’m already a stronger person, but some days I’d just like to lead a simple life and not have to ‘grow’ and ‘be strong’. It is PTSD and sometimes, the shock of it all just takes over me and I can’t function normally. And I’m resentful that I had to have a spath in my life. It just isn’t fair
Jayo: so sorry about the contact… I know how that feels. When you talk to them you think in your head that it is not going to affect you that you are strong…. then when the “fix” is over, the roller coaster ride begins again.
I’ve learned and am still learning this the hard way. Then I get so down on myself….. what a destructive cycle….
Jayo – Sometimes there are relapses. We think we’re strong enough to handle the contact. We allow the contact to happen. Then we feel like crap. Many, many people have had your experience.
All we can do is resolve, once more, to keep “no contact” in place. Blocking the calls is one thing. But what really needs to happen is that you stop “renting him space in your head.” The objective is to get to the place where what the sociopath did to you, and what he’s doing to someone else, simply doesn’t matter any more.
You’ll get there. Use your will power to enforce no contact, and gradually his grip on you will dissolve. Stay focused on what is good for you.
Oh yes well put tobefree. Each time l have looked at an email or listened to a voice mail since l last saw my abuser in November ( he’s married and has harassed me since l ended the ‘relationship’ after discovering he was still living with his wife ) it’s with an attitude of … ,l can handle this, it’s not direct contact, I’m well enough today for it to remind me he is disordered, and not be emotionally affected. Crap, of course. I feel panicky, confused, violated and weepy each time and NEVER learn anything that helps me recover or which answers questions I’ll never get answers to. The only outcome to any contact even reading his emails and not replying is more evidence of what I know anyway. He is a highly narcissistic individual with a sadistic highly controlling deviant element and a pathological liar. He is remorseless in his emotional sexual and physical abuse of two sons two wives me and no doubt others. It’s a horribly difficult nut to crack, accepting that once you get to ‘they have the traits of a psychopath I must stay away always’ ANY contact unless you have children and they have access is a totally self destructive waste of time. Let’s all put down the path pipe!
Hm my edit didn’t post. I ended it after he admitted he lived with his wife and then sexually assaulted me in an isolated rented holiday apartment
Jayo, try not to think of it as unfair. That can be tempting God knows but it doesn’t empower us. The best outcome for we survivors is to accept the painful truth that deceitful destructive people exist and by their red flags we will now know them and can make self protective choices as we move forward. Don’t be down on yourself about slipping off the no contact wagon but get the hell back on it. If you have had a drink post a note on your phone and computer : I have alcohol in my system and am not thinking straight but l will not break no contact.