Do sociopaths know what they are? Many, many Lovefraud readers ask me this question. The short answer is that some of them do and some of them don’t.
The man who sent me the following email certainly has insight into his own personality:
I would like to thank you for making your videos they have given me an insight into how you people recognize us. WE are not to blame for your short comings because you are weak minded and foolish enough to be taken advantage of. We are evolutions next step we don’t allow silly emotions to cloud our judgments. In fact we use our advantage for survival because we are natures next course. I know I sound very narcissistic and apologize for that but if you are so proud and concerned and attached to your emotions why not allow someone to make you feel like a queen for something as worldly as money? We give you what you are missing just as all of the world ecosystem has since the beginning of time. It’s funny how we have been so easily classified and even now as I attempt to alter myself in order to become unparallel to descriptions of us, I find it very difficult to even perceive. I would like to boast of my strategic victories over hearts but I would fear you making another video and making this game more difficult, of course it would make it much more challenging and pleasurable when enjoying the hunt.
This email is a great example of the sociopathic perspective, whether or not individual sociopaths are aware of it. Lest we forget, here is how sociopaths view themselves, the rest of us, and the world:
1. Sociopaths are superior beings, and everyone else is a mark.
2. If marks are dumb enough to be conned, they get what they deserve.
3. Marks deserve to be targeted because of their stupid emotions and consciences.
4. Emotions and consciences are useful in marks, because they can be exploited.
5. Exploitation is a perfectly reasonable way for sociopaths to get what they want.
This is why there is no rehabilitation for sociopaths. They do not feel that they have a disorder; rather, sociopaths believe they have an evolutionary competitive advantage.
Or, for those sociopaths who don’t have the intelligence or education to analyze their place in the world, they’re simply content the way they are and see no need for change.
IMHOPE: great! Put them in their place, Immy. Everything to a spath is manipulate-able (my choice of a word).
I am afraid my father may have been one…or at least a narcissist. My mother was no peach either. Their claim to ‘love’ us was based on their ‘need’ for us. If it suited their purposes they would damage us to the point where leaving them was extremely difficult. They bought us things but there was nothing in my life with them that suggested they had any interest in who I was, my thoughts or ideas, or reason to be a separate entity from them. The ridicule was subtle and unrelenting. The result is that I have a miserable life (except for my pets and husband) and my ability to keep jobs is always at risk.
The work place is one of the worse places (actually, the absolute worst) to experience sociopathy. I worked with people who could convince others, including bosses, that I was unredeemable. I was isolated and people avoided me like the plague. That is the worst part about spaths. They are extremely capable of turning the tables on you.
I am continuing to read the book about “successful” psychopaths. It is actually quite interesting in the right hands! Today, the author discussed several more studies and research and seems to have come up with the possibility that, for psychopaths, striking first and going for instant gratification is the only way to be…to win…to be successful.
One of the studies that caught my attention was one where they asked for the world’s best computer programmers to build super programs/computer “games” to see what “mental” strategies created a “winner.” It was called TIT FOR TAT. The winning “game” was one in which the “gamer” dished out whatever was dished at it. In other words, if a ruthless gamer tried to be ruthless, it was ruthless back. If a nice gamer tried to be nice, it was nice back. He didn’t give complete details and I am going to see if I can research this study myself. He says that the “games” seemed to work the same way the real world does. If we put our feet down swiftly and quickly against psychopathic behaviors, or dish it right back, they will back down. He says if psychopaths see that they will lose face and look like losers, they will back down.
Now, I am in complete agreement that “no contact” is the way to go for everyone who can possibly do it. But, I am not in a position to do that now. AND, I have been playing TIT for TAT without even realizing completely. I guess you could say that I am in step with the spath. If he’s obnoxious. I’m obnoxious and walk away. No more whining or begging or “why don’t you love me like you did?” anymore. I have been giving him back what he gives out. I have also struck first in different ways. IE: I find out he walked to get booze, I keep his debit card and he gets no more than two bucks in cash. I have told him far in advance of his hope that he get off the walker after recovery from the surgery that this will not change. That he can not be trusted and he will not be in possession of cash or the card. He can still order things on line, but this state doesn’t allow ordering booze on line. He was not supposed to smoke here and has been for two years (outside of course), so I have been talking about what other addicts are saying about how much better the nicotine vaporizers are, how much cheaper. I put it into his head and now he is going to order some. I have been doing his grocery shopping (all of this I get paid extra for) and I have been going to a much less expensive place and saved him money that way.
The author talked a lot about how psychopaths will turn things around to make it SEEM like they are doing YOU a favor of some kind to get what they want. They always want to get something out of you. I guess I have turned the tables out of survival attempts and am doing that to him! AND my foot has firmly been put down. Live here by my rules or call the VA and get out. I show no fear. I show no desperation. Even if I am feeling them. I do not show him those things any more. If I cry because it could have been great if he hadn’t been a spath and followed through with his promises of the loving bounty he would bring to my life, he never knows it or sees it. On the other hand, I have become his caregiver….just like mommy was for his first 32 years (except SHE actually bought and paid for his cigs and booze!) and I am finding that if I tell him to do something that will help his leg recover better, he is doing it more and more. I think this book is actually helping ME. Some parts of it are narcissistic on the part of the author. Some of it is strange and some of his personal stories could be questioned. But, as far as seeking research and telling about it, he is telling me new things. I am afraid the book in the hands of a spath could make them FEEL successful for what they are. However, in my hands, it is a lesson that my tenacity and unwillingness to take BS off a spath, will pay off. I see so much more clearly how one thinks. That is one thing that makes me wonder if the author is at least a narcissist. And that makes this book helpful to victims. It is as if one of them is telling us how they think, why they think that way, and how they use it to their advantage.
Now, we can use this knowledge to our advantage. A solid “No. That won’t work for me. Bye.” can get mine to back down. Probably not when he was young if I had had this information. But, it’s working now. An insult begets an insult. A kindness begets a kindness. When I kept on being nice after being treated like dirt, he felt successful. Now, he doesn’t want back anything bad, so he’s is slowing it down. It will be interesting to see what happens if his leg gets better. My resolve isn’t going to change though. When it comes to a spath, no good deed goes unpunished and no bad deed deserves a reward.
Here is the link about the study relating to psychopaths. It is a PDF and it also includes “The Prisoner’s Dilemma” which is another example the author uses in this book to describe how Psychopaths see the world. Search at this link under “TIT for TAT game” and it does a much better job of explaining how responding instantly to obnoxious behavior will help us figure out if someone is a spath right away. http://www.sci.brooklyn.cuny.edu/~sklar/teaching/f05/alife/notes/azhar-ipd-Oct19th.pdf. I am not very good at copying links but if you look up TIT for TAT game experiment, you will find it.
FFWR – Karin Huffer, author of “Legal Abuse Syndrome” say that “Tit for tat” is the only way to deal with an abuser, i.e., a sociopat.
Hi Donna,
It IS working for me. No more Ms. Nice Guy. This book I’m reading is one the spath ordered from the library and had me pick up. It is about “successful wisdom” of psychopaths. I “borrowed” it from him and he probably won’t get it back. When he mentioned it, I said, “Well if you are going to order handbooks, I am going to read them first.” He said, “Sociopaths don’t need handbooks.” I said, “That’s true, but I do.”
It’s like observing a snake at the zoo. I have been posting some of the stuff the author writes about. I don’t agree with some of his personal asides, but the research is fascinating. It reminds me of the Patricia Evans recommendations for sticking up for ourselves against abuse. Too many woman are trained to “be nice” no matter what. Now, as I learn more, the spath will get Tit-For-Tat a lot more.
Thanks for everything you do to let us all share here. We can protect and prevent.
I think that in order to successfully utilize a “tit for tat” strategy in everyday life, a person must have (a) a healthy level of self-esteem, and (b) the ability to *discern* or recognize when another person is acting abusively toward them.
But those two conditions tend to not exist in those raised by psychopathic parents or narcissistic parents, or really any of the Cluster B disorders.
A parent with narcissistic pd or psychopathy will obliterate their child’s healthy self-esteem, and the child is conditioned to accept that being abused, neglected or rejected is what “love” is.
If “tit for tat” is another way of stating the concept of “mirroring”, then I guess I understand it correctly (?)
Hi Babs, If you put in a search for Axelrod study of the Prisoner’s Dilemma and TIT-FOR-TAT, it does a lot better job of explaining the research. It is pretty complex and I can’t fit it all in here. But, it is a type of mirroring although mirroring is usually used in couples counseling where both people want to cooperate. Since narcissists, spaths and other personality disordered people often don’t want cooperation, the way to keep a psychopath at bay is to give back what they dish out, back them off, let them come back and be cooperative, forgive quickly (which I call detaching because I don’t feel much love for this person), act like it didn’t happen and be nice back to them once they have “learned” to act nice or they will be hurt in some way.
IE: Mine has no one to go get his cigarettes if he does not act appropriately towards me. If he is obnoxious, I walk out on him and go to my place. (I don’t think this would work if one were living together with one of them and did not have a private locked area of the house away from them.) I watch TV or read a book or something. Then, he wants his cigarettes, so he will call and apologize. I say, “Thank you.” He then will get his cigarettes. The longer he waits to apologize, the longer it takes me to getting around to getting his cigarettes. He is learning that his instant gratification impulses will not be met by me without advance requests and kindness. It is working well enough in my situation. However, I would never stay in this situation for anything but rent money.
I agree that being raised by narcissistic or spath parents makes it very difficult. I have experienced that. A book I recently found very helpful is “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.” There is a section for children of narcissist parents. Also, “Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist” was helpful. And, of course, I refer to the books of Patricia Evans often. She has an answer for every type of abuse. Reading books, counseling, sharing and getting advice here, etc. is raising my self esteem again. Some non-profits and the mental health association may offer self esteem courses. I attended one at the YWCA many years ago which led to my attending college and getting a degree at 41.
While horrible parenting will always instill doubt and the possibility of “targethood” rearing its ugly head in our lives, we can learn how to raise out own self esteem and create a support system…either someplace like Love Fraud or a personal circle of friends. I believe with continually reading and working on myself and getting counseling when I can, I can raise my self esteem. My favorite part of self esteem is to act as if I have the courage to follow through with my “rules” if a spath crosses my boundaries. I am finding that more and more, I do have the self esteem to do it.
Thanks for the head’s up on the article / book / author suggestions, I will look into those! I guess I just stumbled onto the technique of “mirroring” by accident, as an adult; I’ve just always treated other people the way they treat me: I give them the first “turn”, so to speak, then I reflect back the way they behave toward me. But I’d like to study the other parts of “tit for tat” more closely which appears to be a way of “teaching” someone (in particular, someone who is a spath) how to treat you.
imhope, your comment is one of the best I’ve read on here. Babs, I hope it works for you, but spaths don’t like to be turned on and try to retaliate if they can, so be very careful what you do. If you can prove criminal behavior, let the police have what you know on them and let them handle it. Jail is sometimes the only way these “misfits” can be removed from your life although many will only hang around as long as you provide for them in some way they want–when you stop being a provider for them, they will move on to someone else who will. That said, it doesn’t solve anything for you that has already been done to you, but it is still good to get away from them, if possible, and live the rest of your life knowing that people like them exist in this world and how to recognize them so another one can’t harm you again in any other way. They are truly a scourge to our society, but are out there in numbers that are more than we can verify. The amount of damage they do financially, emotionally and to our faith in humanity is beyond any study we have now. All of us on here have suffered in some way–some much more than others–but we all share in the fact that we have been impacted negatively in some way by these people. They are evil, pure evil, and apparently unable to change. The craziest part may be that they can be very sweet and wonderful people to some while making the lives of those of us on here miserable. Mine did some very nice things for some members of her family, but also lied to them all and kept them in the dark as to what she was really doing with her life. Not one person that I ever was in any contact with that knew her had ever been told truthfully by her hardly anything that she did. She would lie about her age, her birthday, where she was, who she was with, about working (she had several different “professions” she told different ones that she was working in, but had never worked an honest day in her life), how she had the money she had, how she got the vehicle she was driving at the time, where she got a computer, where she was a student (hint: NOWHERE), where she lived, and anything else you can come up with. She lied about her children, their names, their ages, who had custody of them, how they were born, their “illnesses”, anything that could make you sympathize with her, or give her money to “help” them with, or whatever it was she wanted, or needed at the time. Even her mother wound up being ashamed she ever gave birth to her even though she supported as much as she felt she could. Her sister disowned her, her stepbrother used her, but didn’t trust her, and even her grand parents were ashamed of her. She had two ex-husbands who would be prime suspects if she was ever killed from the hate she left them with towards her, and her “fiancee” when I last saw her was heading toward being another future “hater” of her. Amazingly, as most of you can attest from your own experience, she seemed totally unfazed by any of this and seemed amazed that anyone would think she had ever done anything wrong????? They have no conscious as has been well documented on here, and no heart unless it can be used for their own purpose. The most amazing thing to me is that law enforcement agencies, or maybe lawmakers, haven’t cracked down on the criminal type of behavior that many of these exhibit. So many of the “crimes” they commit aren’t physically hurting anyone so I guess that’s why, but financially, they have ruined many of us, and emotionally, the toll is even greater. Maybe we ought to send all of them we can identify to an island to live on with each other and see how long they can exist that way? Seriously; this site gives many of us sanity when it seems our whole world has gone insane. At least we know we are not alone.
Dear TNVICTIM:
What scares me is how they can ‘turn things around’ so that “you become them”. My spath was extremely clever in that she absorbed my qualities into her (and even became much better looking) and I ‘became her’…a gross ‘thing’ that no one wanted to be around or even talk to.
And it carried over into my adult life. I am now an empty shell, and although still good looking at 62, I am far from happy or successful.
When we become the ‘spath’ (on the surface)…we can still be our former/real self and be a good person inside but the public at large, even our FAMILIES, can see us as the sociopath. This is what happened to me.
Unfortunately for me my parents were sick narcissists and my maternal grandmother was completely wigged.
What do we do when we have ‘become them’ in the eyes of the world? How do we tell our story to those who ‘might listen’ (which is really no one except a counselor).
We don’t even feel we have the ‘right’ to speak up and I have been ‘closed up’ and silent for decades. We turn our face away from evil too often.
On jobs it is the ultimate misery to have to work with a spath. I was literally ‘followed around’ and the spath made a point of sitting next to me…there was no support from H.R. or my supervisor. As long as she was a great worker (so was I) and a ‘glib talker’ she could get away with it. She kicked my computer CPU over once…spread lies and rumors about me…interrupted me when I spoke to others…reported that I was leaving early (I had to get a physician to vouch for me that I was in his office and not ‘gone’ from the work scene).
But the one I grew up with (first example in this post) was beyond evil. My psychiatrist called her ‘diabolical’. The damage she did was colossal.
At least we have this site to share our experiences …one wonders why “God” or whatever you believe in would allow for these people to exist.
Sociopaths believe they are superior but they are NOT ”“ anyone can use deception and be self absorbed but society cannot survive on the basis of such “traits”. There is nothing special about psychopaths they miss out on emotions we all treasure, they cannot be fully embraced by society because “normal”social interactions with them are impossible. They pride themselves on actions anyone can engage in at any time if one chooses to do so. Its not hard to lie and cheat or be cruel and take advantage of others, I can easily do all of that trust me. You are wrong if you believe future societies will function on the basis of people with these “qualities”. The basis of survival is ingroup formation including morals to strengthen the group, you will always be an outcast without special abilities, sorry but that’s the truth. Why do you think the GFC took place because greed and deception is the basis for functioning,future societies?
rather than being progressive and special most Psychopaths are regressive… children unable to suppress their urge to act on instinctual drives for longterm gain
I think regressive is a great word to describe a spath. Returning to childhood tantrums and the need for immediate gratification unless halted.
notsuperior: I have re-read your comments. I hope you will post again as you have a lot of insight to offer here.
You are getting close but they are worse than that. Even small children as young as 3 or 4 can have a lot of empathy…especially around the sick and elderly. It comes naturally unless you are born without it. A Psychopath is born without it and more like a vampire…and the first vampire story was writtne by a victim.
Hi Delores: I agree. Not only are they born with it, but the book I’m reading has a lot of research to prove that they learn how to cultivate the loss of empathy into a recognition of it in their targets! So, as a sub-human to the left on the evolutionary scale, they can recognize it and understand it without feeling it and use the empathy of full human beings to create their lizard devastation. I never knew that there were people who could tell me they were human like me, or had even a higher level of moral beliefs, and be completely lying using a lizard brain that is secondary to fully evolved humans. Research is showing more and more that all human brains are not equal.
Dear Babs
My spath brought me back to God, because as I lay prone in the hospital and she stared at me with the ice beams she uses for eyes, I realized that within her I could see the Devil, or a demon of some kind, that this evil I only thought possible in works of fiction, in Lifetime movies, was staring me in the face, probably salivating over the sympathy she would get if I died at age 31 and, oh, what to do with all that life insurance money? And knowing this true darkness exists, I knew then that the light to counter it must also exist. It was through that light that my spath found out that prey can bite back – and bite back hard. I was suspicious of her and didn’t trust her with money. She did burn through all of my savings (but because I used them I have never been close to bankruptcy or anything and they are currently being rebuilt.) I laywered up and left her with nothing but beat up old furniture. She was enraged that I divorced her, that “the game” didn’t end with me broken, broke, and completely emotionally devastated. Not being a very smart spath, I was able to turn the tables on her. I cut off contact aside of what the court ordered and she could not get to me. She hatched a bunch of revenge plans, most of which involved bringing men into the house and screwing them in my bed, on my couch, in my car, etc, but she has a grating personality once the initial charm is gone and didn’t count on people who knew us liking me despite all the horrible lies she told them about me, and they came forward and warned me about her. So, I always knew what she was up to and foiled all of her plans. With the game up, she was already indiscriminately having sex with multiple partners -male and female- while searching for a new victim. Not going to pretend I didn’t hurt bad over all the sex she was giving away when I found out from friends who were turned off by “her becoming a giant slut all of a sudden,” since she’d been denying me sex since the day we got married (she claimed she was on her period so we didn’t even do it on our wedding night. Red flags everywhere.) Like many have posted it was abundant in the past but then that person who was a perfect match for me disappeared and only showed up every now and then, I guess to keep me hoping this sad excuse for a wife and lover that I had was the mirage, but I got wise and figured her out. She looked stunned when I told her what I thought she was doing, what her “game” was, how she’d been taking advantage of me. I’d noticed, but didn’t listen to myself until then. Her eyes got huge and her jaw dropped. It was like she couldn’t believe I’d figured it out. She was so stunned she admitted that, yes, that is exactly what she was doing. That was when I decided for good that she had to go. That was a year ago; somehow, she is already engaged again people have mentioned, though I’ve asked not to get any news about her. I know the guy too, from back in HS. I feel sorry for him but he fits the victim profile, the kind of guy she would target. I am sure his background crossing mine is not a coincidence, as we went to HS in another state. I think she is still playing her game, trying to worm her way onto my radar, I don’t know, but I hope she is not obsessed with me. Wish I could warn my old buddy but…I am not stirring up that hornet’s nest. Been stung enough. I am done with the spath. Very happy for this site because I needed to really understand what I was dealing with, that I am not the only one, and that what I saw was real and not just in my head. As far as the Darkness, where it exists there must also be Light. You can take that as God or any way you want, but I think the light is what separates us from them.
Darth,
Sorry about your buddy,but you gotta get on with your life and your healing!
I agree with you that no matter how evil or clever these spaths are,they cannot prove more powerful than the Source of Light!
I believe there are “devolved” humans (or regressive and notsuperior stated) and “evolved” humans. I believe sociopaths ARE the Missing Link and no one has been able to figure it out except those of us whom have dealt with them. I do not believe in a God who is all powerful as that God should easily be able to get rid of a Devil, which I also don’t believe it. I believe there may be a kind of “wall” of afterlife because quantum physics proves that molecules have “brains” of their own. I don’t believe any one religion or deity is THE one truth. I believe that humans are here and in the moment, they are either one of the devolved ones or one of the evolved ones. My job is to stay away from the devolved ones. I have dealt with both evolved and devolved humans for over five decades now. One is a professed Atheist who can keep his mouth shut about it. Most of the others are professed religious followers and can’t keep their mouths shut about it.
The most important thing is to recognize abuse and sociopath behaviors against us. As we have found, people are often not what they say. They are mostly what they do and sociopaths are found saying all kinds of things and doing all kinds of other things. It helps me to detach from their devolution and recognize them as disordered “missing link,” feral humans and to get away with them. I don’t want to give them any more supernatural powers than their deluded minds already tell them they are.
FFWR~ [“missing link,”] i believe you might be right…like Bigfoot, something ugly, stinky, evasive and dangerous, i think you’ve got it!
I totally agree with you that this is no place for religion. I think that we all can agree, by virtue of the fact that we are victims of spaths that at least on this subject none of us are blessed, more like cursed. Having said that, we are all here not only to vent to those who understand our experiences, but to help us all find the “blessing” of healing, through the compassion and understanding of each other, where the divine has seemed to fail us.
Something that i have felt by reading here, is that not everyone here who has been the victim of a jerk has actually been touched by a spath. There are lots of nasty idiots out there that are not pathological, so my suggestion is to continue to read testimony here to determine exactly what kind of “jerk” you have dealt with. Many of us have heard others say “move on”, that’s easy to say for someone that has never been mowed over by a spath. Many of us have “moved on”, but understand the seriousness of a true spath and feel the need to pass on the warning. Spaths don’t get better, they get worse. They don’t learn how to be better people from their “mistakes”, they learn how to be more successful with their next victim. They for the most part have no ears, only mouths. They listen to nothing, believe nothing and care for nothing but their own agenda. I hope that we can paint a accurate picture of these monsters so that everyone here, victim or not will learn to recognize spaths to avoid ever being a victim.
Hugs,
Renee
Thank you very much, imhope. Too bad sociopaths don’t disappear when we take try to take their photos like Bigfoot does!
I agree with you about telling someone else to move on. I think it is very cruel. I have pretty severe PTSD and so many people have told me that…as if someone with so much pain and an altered brain according to research, can just say, “OK. Thanks. I just needed you tell my brain what to do, so now I’m sure it will!”
I especially appreciate what you wrote about sociopaths just finding a different, or sneakier way, to take control. I have also found that to be true. Even their faces look like they are a different person every five minutes as they try all of the tactics trying to find one that will work.
This site and a large majority of people here have been very helpful and real to me. But, I know what you are talking about. I always hope to give and receive suggestions that will help. And, as you reminded, there is no “pat” answer to the devastation of a sociopath.
FFWR~
Yes, i believe it’s a nasty thing to tell someone to “move on”. Wonder if they would give that type of advice of a rape victim or for one mourning the death of a loved one? No one knows what stage someone is at in their dealing with trauma. I have suffered both, being in relationships with men that were unpleasant, but being in a relationship with a spath is a whole different ball game. Unless you have been there, you have no idea.
I too suffer from PTSD and it effects everything in your life. I have been divorced for over a year now and still would rather be home than in public. Sometimes even meeting family members gives me uneasy feelings. I would under NO circumstances EVER consider even a date with another man, much less ever have a relationship or marry. The only feelings i have left for the spath are bad. I will go to my grave concerned about who he is hurting next. It’s like knowing a serial killer, but no one believes you. Not that i haven’t had people come to me and say OMG, that man is a freak! Until every person that comes in contact with him is aware, i will feel responsible for their welfare. This man is an evil doer. They/we say they care about no ones feelings but their own, but the truth is, they don’t think anyone has feelings but them. No matter what he did to me he always poo-pooed that it hurt me in any way. He never let me up for air in the 4.5 yrs i was married to him. Every day it was something else. He wouldn’t work. He would get a job and get fired. He would tell me he had been to work when i got home, him, still in his work clothes, the shower still wet from the shower that he took minutes before i got home, to make me think he had been to work. He had phone sex with men. He answered personal adds on Craigslist from men and women. He stalked women on FB that contacted me telling me about his harassment. He was constantly in “roll play” chatrooms, playing the little boy that Mommy was groping for sex. He would contact old girlfriends and try to get them “back”, girls from his teens and he was 50+ at the time. There were constantly porn virus’s on the computers. I begged him to leave, he would say, “i’m not leaving, i have a good deal here”. He was a monster. Stold as much as he possibly could from me. That kind of deception is hard to swallow. It’s like, here, swallow this watermelon! All i’m left with is wanting to warn the world. He still threatens me with everything you can think of. His fantasy has always been to get me fired from my job. He wants me to think the only reason i have my job is because he is such a nice guy that he doesn’t get me fired, not that he has anything that he could use to get me fired, but he was always trying to drum something up. Hard to understand why someone who wouldn’t work and enjoyed the fruits of their wife’s employment would want to get her fired…sick, sick, sick!
Thanks for listening,
Renee
imhope: I am glad to listen to a fellow sufferer. I believe that is the best way to get it out, feel heard, and help each other here. Vent to me any time.
I am so sorry to hear that your sociopath is still terrorizing you. I have a borderline ex-husband who has resorted to the type of “emotional blackmail” you are talking about…including that he would get me fired as well as other types of small blackmails. Do this or that or I will call your family in the middle of the night type of threats. I call them his fits. I still allow him in my life as well as the spath to whom I rent. Both for survival reasons at this time in my life. Not the most healthy choice, I know. But, a choice I have made nonetheless…for now.
The borderline can retain empathy and can be very kind in between his fits which happen about 5 times a year. The spath is very transparent and has no feelings for anyone but himself. He is the one that is into transvestite porn and is very difficult when he can’t manipulate me. He has tried a few of those types of threats also. It can cause a paralyzing terror, can’t it?
I hope yours will move along, but I also know what it is like to feel you need to warn people. I isolate a lot and this web site has been very helpful to me. But, sometimes I wish I could just start driving and go stay where no one knows who or where I am.
imhope: Are you still around?
FFWR, I am sorry you have been subjected to misplaced “Christianity” by anyone on here. This site was set up for those of us who have been negatively impacted by sociopaths, or in some cases, psychopaths. It wasn’t to discuss religion, per se, either as a particular faith or as those who don’t believe in any religion. The object and reason is for us to relay our feelings, experiences and lessons learned due to our encounters with the spath we had. Basically, it is to allow us to understand that there isn’t something “wrong” with us because we allowed a sociopath to enter our lives and disrupt it the way they did. We aren’t the perpetrators, but the victims, and there are many of us. Unfortunately, there are many sociopaths in the world- not confined to one country, one continent or any particular region within those. History is full of them, too. Whether we accept more scientific evidence of our existence on this earth as to how we have evolved to this point, or believe in a spiritual being that has the power to interject itself into our lives, or not, at it’s whim, I guess does not take away the fact that each of us on here was, or are, affected by a sociopath in some negative way. Many of us have found it to be a lesson in life, albeit a very painful one, and have moved on mostly and living now with the knowledge that such people exist and that they are cunning, conniving and can be very convincing when it comes to getting us to do what they want from us, or to take what they want from us. I’ve found from my experience and from reading of others on here that they are really very sad people. They have little to live for, no real hope for the future, or much of a life that anyone would want to live. They strive on matching wits and outsmarting others, and feel most superior whenever they are being successful in convincing us to do something we would never normally do. Life is just a game to them, but their reward is never enough, and never satisfying for long because they constantly have to keep up false pretenses to exist in our lives. That’s hard and tragic for anyone to have to do constantly. However, it is not the intention of anyone on here, or at least it should not be, to further inflict pain upon each other here. We have faced an unfortunate part of life–some are still experiencing it, and are on here to seek some understanding and help in getting over it. Most of us are not professional psychologist, or even close to it, but each of us has a story we know only too well, and in telling it and what we have learned from it, hopefully help the rest of us in easing the pain inflicted on us by our personal experience(s). I hope you find peace in your life, some solace to know you aren’t alone–the rest of us have been “suckers”, too, and can begin to live your life again w/o having to worry about what has been done to you. Whether we are religious, or non-religious, we have all been affected by what has occurred to us, and have come here to seek something positive from life again. Hopefully, you won’t find any more negative comments toward you, or any of your beliefs from anyone on here. That’s not what the site is about. For everyone else, it might be an eye opening experience for us to not inject our own personal beliefs in such a matter as to make another feel that they are being scolded, or condemned, or harassed. God knows we have all been thru enough of that to even seek out this site in the first place. If you don’t believe in God, then, you know that yourself. Let’s just stick to sharing our experiences with our sociopaths, giving any lessons we have learned from our experiences, and listening to each other to see what else we might have not had happened,but could have. We can learn and support each other, and draw strength from each other if we will just do that, and leave theology to our churches, synagogues, mosques, or scientific journals. Everyone have a nice day!