UPDATED FOR 2019
I confess. I am one of those people who fell for the sociopathic seduction. I was swept up in the excitement, sex and love bombing by the sociopath and committed to the relationship far too quickly.
James Montgomery proposed to me four days after we met in person. I said yes.
I sometimes excuse myself by explaining that we’d been corresponding via e-mail for about a month after meeting online, so it wasn’t like I only knew him for four days. But then, of course, a month isn’t very long either.
I take some comfort in the fact that I am certainly not alone. Many, many people describe the beginning of their relationship with a sociopath as a “whirlwind romance.” In fact, one of the warning signs of sociopathic seduction that I identify in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, is “moves fast to hook up.”
As research for the book, I conducted the online Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey, which was completed by more than 1,300 respondents. When asked to identify behaviors of sociopathic seduction that they saw in their relationships, 77% agreed with “moved fast quickly proclaimed love, quickly wanted to be exclusive.”
But would I have escaped the bogus marriage if I’d gone slower? I don’t know.
Ten days after I left James Montgomery, he married another woman. Yes, that was bigamy.
But this woman, whom I call “Kim Goodson” in my book, Love Fraud, had been involved with Montgomery for seven years. Montgomery had gotten married twice during this time — to me and a woman before me, Gale Lewis — and continued to see Kim all along. At one point, Kim actually learned about Gale and broke up with Montgomery, but still he was able to reel her back in.
So here’s the point: Although sociopaths may move fast to hook up, they may also engage in the long con.
Married to a stranger
Many sociopaths can maintain the loving charade as long as it takes to hook you. Then, once you’ve signed the dotted line, everything changes.
I’ve heard from many people who reported that they dated the sociopath for several years before agreeing to marry, and the person was a perfect romantic partner the entire time. Once they committed to the relationship, the charade ended.
In some cases, the about-face was sudden and shocking. Here are some anecdotes of sociopathic seduction that I collected in another Lovefraud survey:
From very loving to cold indifference — started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible.
Initially there were dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
Affection, sex, expressions of love, gifts, everything seemed almost perfect. Once I moved in with her everything changed. I almost left the first week but hung in for 6 months of hell.
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
At first, he’d call me a dozen times an hour to tell me he loved me, couldn’t live without me, needed to hear my voice; then when me got married, that stopped — and he didn’t tell me he loved me ever again. He “won his prize.”
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
The long con
I’ve also heard from people who were married to a sociopath for years, even decades, and never knew that the sociopath was living a completely double life.
While the sociopath was gainfully employed, acting as an attentive husband or wife, and a pillar of the community, he or she was also engaging in fraud, drugs, and/or extramarital sex with women, men or both.
In these cases, the targets were often cover. They provided the sociopath with a veneer of respectability so that the predator could pursue his or her hidden agenda.
So here’s what you need to know: If someone is pushing you into a relationship at warp speed, this is definitely a warning sign of sociopathic seduction that should not be ignored.
But someone who is not pushy can still be a predator.
Some sociopaths, when motivated, can keep their masks firmly in place as long as necessary to accomplish their objective.
Listening to your intuition
That’s why it’s so important to listen to your intuition.
Your partner may be doing or saying all the right things. But if you feel nagging concerns, if there is a problem with your partner or relationship that you can’t put your finger on, this may be all the warning of sociopathic seduction that you ever get. Be sure to pay attention.
For more on sociopathic seduction strategies, read my new book, Seduced by a Sociopath — How antisocials, narcissists and psychopaths use human nature against you, available in the Lovefraud Store.
Lovefraud originally published this story on April 14, 2014.
How childhood pain leads to involvements with sociopaths
Very good post, as always 🙂
The one idea I would add is to add a LOT of strength to the final recommendation. Don’t wait until intuition starts telling you something is amiss. Since sociopaths won’t change themselves (just who they manipulate), run a full nationwide criminal background check and also check their education, certification, professional licenses (MD, etc), credit history, residence history, employment history, history of marriages and divorces, and children. If your sweetie is a sociopath, it’ll show up. You’ll be able to tell from the results. If she or he has lied to you about any of that stuff, leave and do not return. Ever. It only gets worse if you go back. That’s not just a red flag – that’s a deal breaker. Get out now.
The LoveFraud resources guide lists two investigators – I have no connection with them in any way- but readers might want to contact them if there is a concern with the person they are with:
http://www.lovefraud.com/resources-guide/lovefraud-professional-resources-guid/wpbdm-category/06-private-investigator/
Hi Donna, this is my first time posting a comment. I have just recently bought two of your books and have finished the first one, Love Fraud. Although my husband does not have all the red flags, he does possess most of them … totally scary. I found your website and your books because I did a search on the internet for pathological/compulsive liars, so I already had my “gut feelings”; your website and books confirmed my feelings. So … I’ve been married for 3.5 years. Third marriage for me, second for him … we have no children together (thank goodness). The lying, the volatile language, (he’s verbally/emotionally abusive, not physical) and being in control started a few months after we were married. The beginning of the relationship was just as you described … a whirlwind … swept me off my feet. Moved in together after 4 weeks of dating (it was his house that he shared with his previous wife), married 9 months later. Things changed a few months after we were married. When I questioned him on why his behaviors and actions changed, he replied, “We’re married now. I don’t have to do that/be that way anymore”. His control is subtle/manipulative … he doesn’t come right out and say “no” but he makes the situation so unpleasant that I choose not to follow through with whatever the plans were. Example: he doesn’t say that my grandchildren can’t come to the house, but when they are there, he makes the time so unpleasant that they don’t enjoy the time that they are there, and I don’t enjoy it either, so when I want to see them, I go to their house. Controlling of the money is not an issue, at least I don’t think so …he has his money and I have mine and we split the expenses 50/50 (except for the house taxes, since the house is in his name only). Finances is the only “red flag” he doesn’t possess, and he’s held the same job at the same company for 30 years, so he is reliable and dependable as far as work goes. But he does lie (although he doesn’t own up to it … always an explanation or a different version which then make me question my sanity), and he does steal from his employer, and he definitely has anger issues … will go ballistic and then will be calm as if that was normal. Never apologies. Does think he is above the rules, “Rules are for other people, not for me”. And everything has to be a certain way, compulsive, with his house and his yard. Well, I didn’t want to live like that any longer … didn’t want these characteristics in a husband, so I started moving out yesterday while he was at work. My conscience and guilt got the best of me and I ended up calling him at work to let him know. We talked when he got home. He doesn’t want me to leave … he’s happy … he’ll go to a therapist if I feel that will help … he is still very much in love with me … he had plausible answers to all the lying incidents I brought up … he cried … said he is sick to his stomach … doesn’t want to lose me. I’m trying very hard not to get sucked in/fall for his words but it is extremely difficult. Is this the real thing or is it a ploy? Could he possible change to be a better man? Just felt the need to share my situation in hopes that there may be others out there who could share their stories. I could use the support and guidance. Thank you.
Diane111, I want to applaud you for coming here to post your story, that takes a tremendous amount of courage. When I finally found proof of my husband’s two year affair he balled like a baby..sobbing, “please dont leave me”, “i will change”, “i will do what ever it takes”…I was done…this was my escape finally…but he sucked me back in made me feel sorry for him (yes, for him) and used gas lighting abuse to the fullest extent to make me self doubt my reality. My gut was screaming to run but mind after his gas lighting was literally to exhausted to find the door out of the relationship.
We went to marriage counseling where I told the counselor the first day that he never had remorse for anyone, never showed guilt, never followed rules, lied about everything, cheated, at the time I did not know what domestic abuse really was so I did not tell her I was being abused and sadly she never asked me point blank or explained what domestic abuse was… now that i am educated so know I can tell you he was verbally, emotionally, mentally, financially (he controlled all the money) everyday and he was physically abusive not hitting me but shoving me, pinning me against a wall or the bed preventing me from leaving, again at the time I did not know this was physical abuse, I told this counselor he was manipulative and would manipulate even her…never did she say you are describing a sociopath get out now!!
I now know everything that I stated about my husband that day was every trait of a sociopath without even knowing what I was describing!
I stayed another 7 years after the few marriage counseling sessions he would allow me to go to he wanted us to stop…he became 1000 times worse after these sessions because he knew that I opened the door to the outside world by going to counseling…even though he shut that door abruptly by telling me after the first session with this marriage counselor “that I should not trust her” (he repeated this over and over to mind control me) he knew I was able to go again and find out the truth about him, which he was not going to allow.
When I left I found out about three of his mistress in two different states..he cheated dozens of times on me now I know but he would never let me escape from him.
After 12 years of marriage I literally crawled out of my marriage a broken women…I was once a strong women. My advise is exactly like Donna’s to get out asap the longer you stay the worse it gets and harder it gets to leave…
Here are things that I wish someone would have told me to do while I was still in the marriage but was ready to leave finally:
1) research “exit plan” on the domestic abuse violence hotline website & google “dr phil exit plan”..and start getting your plan together to leave him..dont weaver
2) find a counselor who is extremely knowledgeable about domestic abuse (go secretly now without your husband knowing).
3) if you have health issues find a good doctor to get your body working again research adrenal fatigue. Health issues are very common for women who are dealing with a sociopath.
4) go to your local abuse center for free women group meetings
5) open a secret bank account maybe even in a trusted families name start putting cash aside asap for lawyer fees, future living expenses
6) interview lawyers and hire one verbally now not financially so when you are ready you have picked the best lawyer in town preventing your ex from doing so
7) read everything you can on this disorder to open your mind especially about “gas lighting abuse”
8) look for a new place to live ie a condo building that is secure…talk with your local real estate broker
9) tell yourself everyday: There is no cure for this disorder
10) tell your most trusted friends & family what is going on in your relationship have them come to Lovefraud.com to read everything so they full understand what is going on.
11) know that you are not alone…keep reaching out for help from friends, family, domestic abuse center, counselor, doctors, etc
12) read “no contact rule narcissist” when you leave him change your phone number, do not text him, email him just go through your lawyer only
13) check to see if he has any past restraining orders and have a friend/family member get his divorce papers from the court and read them there maybe critical info that his ex wife went through the same type abuse.
14) Listen to your Gut…don’t weaver..your gut always will lead you in the right direction…it led you to this wonderful site after all !!!!
15) look at the facebook pg After narcissistic abuse (there are almost 40,000 people who have left/are planning on leaving their abuser it will give you great insight into your situation.
Have a plan and leave asap!!
ps my biggest regret now is that I did not listen to my gut and leave sooner…I tried to talk myself out of leaving a million times with such things as maybe Im not seeing thing clearly, maybe he is not as bad as I think, maybe it’s me, what about my vows, marriage is hard work I need to work harder, on and on…bottom line he will NEVER have a healthy normal loving, respectful,kind hearted relationship with anyone…and I accept that fully now that I am educated fully. Learning about this disorder is my closure on my marriage that I prayed for everyday & night.
How true H.G., it is incredibly hard to face the truth that someone you love (my only child)does not have, nor is capable of loving me-nor any one else. The SP just uses, manipulates, calculates, for his benefit. As long as they get what they want, their needs are met-all is well. But once that may change, you are no longer needed.
russconte:
Totally agree about the background check. But many SP’s will talk their way out of what was found or pass the blame on others. My son even passed a lie detector test when applying for a job! Scary”
Hi,
I very seriously doubt he took – much less passed – a lie detector test, because it’s illegal in most job interview situations. The name of the law is the Employee Polygraph Protection Act of 1988, and it specifically prohibits most private employers from using lie detectors for pre-employment or during the course of employment. It does not cover local, state or federal governments.
Here is the government’s web site that covers the laws and punishment – up to a fine of $10,000:
http://www.dol.gov/compliance/laws/comp-eppa.htm
I hate to disappoint you, but I’d bet he lied about taking the lie detector test. Federal law requires records of the polygraph be kept for at least three years. You might want to ask him to produce a copy of the records, but I think you know how that will turn out.
Donna…do you know if Montgomery is still with Kim? Just curious.
Good for you! Thank God you were able to get her away from him!
Diane111,
Donna and Jan7 are totally right on. You may be tempted to think ‘geez, I am not getting a very balanced view…they don’t really know him…maybe I am exaggerating and need to look at what I’ve said about him….’ Don’t torture yourself.
He sounds abusive ‘enough’, and disordered ‘enough’ that he isn’t going to change into anything or anybody that he isn’t now.
Jan7 is so spot on with her advice I would take heed of everything she has said. My experience is different from many here as I have had multiple short time run ins with these types.
However, that doesn’t make much difference in terms of my being able to say to you, without much reservation, that learning all you can and BELIEVING what you read, and APPLYING it to your life is critical.
It gets worse over time, and gets way worse when you start to extricate yourself; then the lies/falseness/manipulation and pity ploys, or violence (verbal and physical), ramps up.
I’ve seen the tears, begging, and ‘remorse’ only to be nearly emotionally and psychologically beaten to death once the relationship was ‘reestablished’. And when you fall for the lies once you already have a pretty good idea WHAT you’re dealing with the feeling of shame is magnified. I wanted to punch myself for ignoring all the good advice I had gotten.
If you can spare yourself too much more abuse and start your plan to get away from him.
This is an awesome, affirming, and supportive site….
Once again, the comments in this post hit too close to home for me. I met my ex online while he was out of town. When he came to town, we met and had a few dates. He moved VERY fast! But by the 3rd or 4th date, he pulled away, leaving me confused and angry. I found out later there was another woman in the picture. I had no contact for a few months, then when it was time for him to leave town again, I get a message on his way to the airport. We resume online communication for a few months, see each other in person a few more times when he returns and were engaged shortly after with a wedding only a few months away.All of this happened within 9 months time! I got my first glimpse at the crazy the week before the wedding. He blamed it on pre-wedding jitters. The honeymoon was the first time he really laid into me, totally throwing me off guard. Within a few months of the wedding, I found myself throwing what I could into my car and leaving, only to be threatened if I left, followed by profuse apologies and tears. I felt like I had to stay and that leaving so soon after marriage would reflect badly on me! Can you imagine??!!It is with extreme shame that I admit that I stayed, bought into the lies, took the blame and put up with the crap to keep my marriage together. I believed you get married for life, take the good with the bad, and this was the man I married and I would have to deal with it. After my child was born, the abuse become worse, and the neglect he had for the child was too much. As much guilt as I still have for bringing a child into this marriage, and giving the child this man for a father, it was this sweet little baby who helped me grow a backbone, face this man for what he was, admit the horrors in my marriage to may family, and get out! The first time I said I was leaving, he cried, said he would continue on with therapy on his own, and begged me to help make him a better man and father. Sucker that I was, I stayed, but not for long. Within a month was out. The divorce was actually the easiest part of the past several years. The torture and abuse I have dealt with since, because I dared to leave this man, have been extreme. The child gives him an “in” with me. Throughout my entire marriage, there were too many times when every hair on my body stood up, where I knew in my gut this was not right, that his stories and excuses were just outright lies, and I STILL continued to give him second, third, fourth and fifth chances. Anyone who has a nagging little voice telling them that things aren’t right needs to listen hard to their own intuition!
The ex-spath didn’t use “I love you, can’t live without you” love-bombing to suck me in. I don’t think I would have believed that if he had said it, especially right away. He said things like, “I’m really tired of too young, overly dramatic, not very smart women. You’re really intelligent and I need someone stable.” It all sounded very reasonable and normal. Truth is, I don’t think he was interested in me romantically at all, but he had to use that to get me to do other things for him. Truth is, he didn’t want a relationship with any woman, ever. He wanted random sexual partners (and many of them) who would go home and leave him alone.
I’m educated in computer science and have a business background. He wanted that. He needed that. He actually moved somewhat slowly when it comes to romance, but within the first week of meeting him he bought a computer he couldn’t afford to impress me, ostensibly so I could show him how to use it. The night I went to his house to set it up was the night he did the “interview”. He probed and questioned about my life to find out what makes me tick. Within another week I was writing estimates and taking care of his business, which wasn’t much of a business at all. I discovered later that he was the next best thing to functionally illiterate and couldn’t do those sorts of things himself.
It was 16 months of hell – emotional and physical abuse, manipulation, the craziest gaslighting I could ever imagine. I kept trying to distance myself, just take time out to figure out what was going on, but he would suck me back in and keep me off balance. It was a constant push and pull,and by then he was saying that he couldn’t manage without me. That’s true enough because the “business” fell apart as soon as I was gone.
The crazy would still be going on today if I hadn’t said “enough, already”. He came back months later and tried to suck me back in with a business proposal. Another one-sided business proposal, no doubt. I told him to get lost – I don’t need him to earn money.
I know that I was never a romantic partner – not in truth, and never in his eyes. We rarely went anywhere together (he was always SO tired from work) and holidays were spent with my family, never his. I only met his mother once, and his father twice, and all three times there was nothing to outwardly “connect” us as a couple. After it was over I learned that he denied to EVERYONE, even his own mother, that we had a relationship. He told everyone I was his bookkeeper.
Dianne111,
As I read your story, it seemed like a copy paste story of my life with my ex, as it does for so many other lovefraud readers.
My ex (second marriage for both of us) even went as far as admitting himself to a mental hospital for 3 weeks treatment and underwent shock therapy too. It’s like taking a potato in your hand and saying it is rice. It might be a starch and can do the same nutritionally, but the fact is a potato stays a potato. Sociopaths will pull you into their web like a spider and destroy you.
My ex abused me in every way possible from the first week after the marriage. After 6 years of marriage, he sexually abused (his step-daughter)my daughter at the age of 9 and when I caught him out, we separated – ony to get together again after 6 months – WHY? you ask: well, he ‘gave his life to God’ and became a changed man – a miracle I had been praying for. I suffered no physical, emotional or financial abuse for 4years during the honeymoon period after this incident. To go 1 whole year without abuse was a miracle, let alone 4 years. So I believed he had changed. I believed enough to have a child of our own, a son.
But, alas, they don’t change – they cannot. My son was not even 3 years old, when after several warnings that I would leave him if he didn’t stop abusing me, he nearly strangled me to death on 25 April 2005. That’s when I realised I need to get out. I’M DONE AND DUSTED – NO MORE.
My ex, Keith Ebel, was forced to plead guilty to 5 charges of sexual molestation of a minor, and he has been placed on the Sexual offenders list, but this does not deter him from continuing his life of deceit with the next woman. Although I feel sorry for her, she doesn’t want to take heed to my advice,until she becomes a victim herself.
So,take heed of everyone’s comments and get out now.
A sincere and heartfelt “thank you” to each and everyone of you!! I am SO glad that I found this website and reached out by posting … it was such a relief for me to read your comments. I do have my family for support, which I am grateful for, but they do not understand the depth of the situation or the affect it has on your psyche. Thank you for “talking” with me. Going crazy inside your head is the worst. The very sad part for me to accept is that I am a 56 year old professional who should be smarter than this .. than him. How could I let this happen? Continue to happen? Two other characteristics that I didn’t mention are he is a racist … he uses the “n” word a lot, and he also does not care much for females. He always is making degrading comments towards females. We are definitely are beneath him in everything. He is just such a mean-spirited man. Reading over what I am writing, I’m thinking, “Why am I with him? Why am I feeling bad for wanting to leave? Why am I feeling for bad for him?” Why? Because spaths have a way to make you question yourself and everything that you know to be real. They cloud your judgment. They make you second-guess yourself. Your only saving grace is to leave and get away from their everyday manipulation. I do feel much stronger and confident after hearing your stories. I know now that leaving is the right thing to do … that I have to do it … for me (although I still have these feelings of guilt). I don’t feel so alone any longer. Thank you for that.
great article. Everyone wants to blame me for not seeing how bad he was before we got married but he is too good and has too many friends that are under his control. I don’t know if he would have ever let me go if I had broken up with him anyway. We are divorced but are being ordered by the court to go to joint counseling because we don’t communicate well. Duh! I would love to leave this man but he has the courts under his control and they won’t let me leave
Dianne111,
Just remember 1 thing:
If we were all clever enough to spot these sociopaths, we ourselves would be sociopaths.
So don’t beat yourself up about it. We were all given a brain to use for Good, not Evil.
Shell, South Africa
Thank you, Shell … a very good way to look at it. And you hit it right on with Good vs. Evil. The Good in us isn’t suspecting anything bad in the other person. Why would we? They are showering us with love, etc. … we are good, caring women who can’t comprehend why another person, especially someone who we are sharing an intimate life with, would be anything but loving to us, would never do anything to hurt us on purpose, thus the manipulation leading us to second-guessing ourselves. It’s mind-blowing. And because we are good and caring, when they display the tears and make promises and beg, we give in. Again, thank God for this site and support-system.
It is so very true about how fast they work! My son had his MO down pat, and it was the same with the many, many women he tried to get hooked into marriage. Unfortunately, my ex-daughter-in-law (though I love her dearly, I really think of her as my daughter)was the first one he hooked (she was looking to be loved because of a sad childhood). He came on very fast after the first date, with the notes, flowers, calls, same lines he feed to all the others of “I never felt this way before” and “We are meant for each other”, etc,etc. She felt like he was moving way too fast and she cut it off. This is where she went wrong-and a caution to others-She gave him another chance! Biggest mistake of her life. He laid low for awhile (about 2 weeks), came back, less strong this time. Within a month, before she knew it, he popped the question with the ring in hand! We found all this out after he deserted her(things changed right away with him after they married when she got sick and it wasn’t “fun” anymore)because he kept her at a distance from us knowing we might try to tip her off. I never could figure why I couldnt get close to her-he brainwashed her that his parents were evil! After he left her, we met with her and offered our support, we compared notes and found this out. Believe it or not, he was hurt and angry that we helped her get a job, moved her to another place to live, and took her out for her birthday! I asked her if she would have believed us about him and she said no she wouldnt have because he was so convincing. I regret to this day not alerting her to his ways. When #2 was on the hook, we did write her a letter, trying to make her understand the truth, she did break up with him (which he said he would never forgive us for)and disappeared. Though in everyone’s eyes, we were the villians for doing that.
My advice is: keep your eyes open before you get taken for a very painful, hurtful ride. Ask questions, get to know the family. GO with your FIRST gut feelings. What I shared about my daughter-in-law, was only the tip of the iceberg of what she went through. She not only lost her heart, she lost her health, her trust and other things not as important like her good credit, her job, her savings, etc.
I wish my son’s extended family were more like you. They HELPED the ex-spath pull the wool over my eyes. He also threatened them and said he’d never talk to them again if they told me anything…and they chose to keep his secrets, even after I had a child with this monster. I think they are mostly concerned with their own image than anything else. They certainly aren’t concerned with my son. Their lack of action tells me all that I need to know and we are both better off without them.
This sounds like my 16 year old son. He can be fun, charming, and he’s good looking. His 14 year old girlfriend’s parents liked him a lot. He was wanting to meet up with her in the neighborhood, but wasn’t happening very fast. He tells lies to other people about us. People will feel sorry for him. I wanted to somehow tell her and the parents to watch out for him. I did meet her and say, “A can be charming and sweet when he wants something.” He was very angry with me. Finally he secretly went to their home when the parents were sleeping and the girlfriend let him in. He stayed there till 5 am. I only found out the next morning. I told her parents, because they didn’t not know. They broke off the relationship. I was glad.
Hi Diana111, when you are in the sociopath craziness everyday it’s hard to think straight to leave because you are completely mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from all his craziness that you can not think yourself out of the relationship you are just in survival mode.
It’s exactly like asking a tornado victim why they didn’t just get in the car and drive away from the tornado just before it hit their house. To an outsider of a tornado it would make sense to get in your car and leave the danger…to the victim with the tornado over their home it makes no sense because you are in survival mode just trying to stay alive and not get hurt. When there is a lull in your storm hon you must get out…start making your exit plan to get out of this storm.
You are going to be ok once you free yourself of this horrible man. You deserve so much more then a man who is mean spirited. You are going to survive and thrive once you leave and put distance/time between this man. What you have posted clearly indicates this man falls in the sociopathic spectrum and that he is not going to change ever.
Jan7,
Your tornado example is so true. It’s a whirling derby and it’s hard to see through his storm.