(The article below is copyrighted © 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not meant to imply that females aren’t capable of exhibiting the attitudes and behaviors discussed.)
What does it mean to say that someone has sociopathic tendencies, versus full-blown sociopathy, and does the difference even matter?
The simple answer is that someone with sociopathic tendencies will exhibit sociopathic behaviors and attitudes sometimes, while elsewhere he may seem to possess (and, in fact, may possess) a somewhat genuine (if limited and unreliable) capacity and desire to respect others.
In contrast, the full-blown sociopath’s respect for others, when apparently evident, is never really deeply genuine, but rather driven more by expediency or, more specifically, by the lack of any immediate opportunity to benefit from disrespecting or exploiting others.
Another way to say it is that the full-blown sociopath will almost always capitalize on perceived opportunities to exploit others for his own gain, whereas an individual with “sociopath tendencies” is likely to be somewhat less predictably exploitive in his interpersonal relationships.
In my experience, to identify that you are involved with a partial versus full-blown sociopath is not grounds for optimism. So long as sociopathic tendencies are present, their “quantity” seems to me to matter little. In the end, the individual’s prognosis is the same—hopeless. He is no less treatable or curable for the comparatively inconstant expression of his sociopathy.
In some respects it may be more disconcerting to be involved with a partial sociopath than a full-blown one. This is because the partial sociopath’s seeming capacity to be a “real,” sometimes (if selectively) attached human being can serve as a sort of tease—one finds the seemingly less exploitive aspect of his nature even more confusingly impossible to reconcile with the more exploitive one. One seizes on his capacity for “selective humanity,” misjudging it for his potential for ongoing, reliable empathy and respect for others.
Of course this is a pipe-dream, because the partial sociopath’s capacity for “sensitivity,” perhaps even for certain forms of loyalty, is ever-presently compromised by the underlying tug, and ultimate grip, of his underlying sociopathic orientation. He will inevitably, with utter certainty, drift back into his more exploitive mode and exhibit again, at some point in time, the shocking markers of his sociopathy—his defects of empathy in the context of his audaciously violating behaviors.
I want to stress this very carefully: to the extent that someone has sociopathic tendencies, implying that his sociopathy doesn’t necessarily encompass his “whole character” (as in the case of the full-blown sociopath), this is something like comparing two very dangerous, ultimately untreatable cancerous malignancies—the first hasn’t perhaps “metastasized” fully, but is definitely malignant with absolutely no cure and no chance of meaningful remission; whereas the latter shows perhaps evidence of a global invasion, i.e. “sociopathy run uncontrollably wild.”
I’ve worked for several years with a client I regard as having clear-cut sociopathic tendencies and find her to be among the more baffling clients I’ve worked with. There is the strangest, most jarring mix of humanity in her personality, a capacity for generosity, yet alternating with a historical pattern of cunning, lying behaviors and a chilling capacity to comfortably disown remarkable abdications of responsibility.
She has exhibited these dizzying, confusing qualities in her relationship with me. She has lied to my face countless times and produced fantastic, absurd, and obviously specious explanations for behaviors that someone fully unsociopathic would feel anxious and embarrassed to assert. When confronted with her dissimulation, she conveys (and seems to feel) little to no shame, just the knee-jerk inclination to perpetuate and elaborate the deceptions.
She is opportunistic and someone who has “worked the system” in a variety of unethical ways. Ultimately she lacks either the willingness, or capacity, to truly own the varieties of ethically dubious, sometimes alarmingly irresponsible behaviors that continue to sabotage her otherwise seemingly considerable potential.
She is a complex person, a very attractive and seductive individual, and I believe she possesses a dimension within her characterized by seemingly real generosity. At the same time, she can be shamelessly manipulative and deceptive, and can be “counted on” ultimately to be only “unreliable.” She seems destined to leave those in her life periodically stunned by the betrayal of their faith and trust in her.
She will never change. There is a sociopathic element in her character that I believes explains these patterns and that leaves her, in my view, permanently untrustworthy.
I’m interested in readers’ feedback on this subject.
I think it was brave of Steve Becker to ask for feedback from the real “experts” on this subject, those of us who have experienced the true sociopath up close and personal and lived to tell about it. When I was in the midst of, lets just call it hell, I occasionally asked for an opinion outside of my comfort zone about my relationship, but I really wasn’t ready to hear or heed that assessment. I just wanted people to know that yes, I recognize something is, to put it mildly in my case, “off” about this person, but the final judgement, diagnoses, label, whatever you call it, had yet to be determined. It became more of a “please note” that yes, I am aware of his tendencies, I hear your concern, but I am on top of it and have it under control.
I have ultimately learned to trust my gut instinct about
people, believe that the majority of people are decent human beings, but I have some sort of “psycho radar” that I must acknowledge and be in a readiness state at all times.
I compare it to living among pit bulls, (no offense to you lovers of the breed,), but if I see one, or one moves into the neighborhood I have to have an exit strategy in place before I venture out. Not all pit bulls will kill you in one bite, but there is enough of a tendency, by nature or nurture, that implies a threat to my well being if I reach my hand out. I allow them a wide berth, and when the owner tells me his dog is friendly, I politely move away even further.
I think it was brave of Steve Becker to ask for feedback from the real “experts” on this subject, those of us who have experienced the true sociopath up close and personal and lived to tell about it. When I was in the midst of, lets just call it hell, I occasionally asked for an opinion outside of my comfort zone about my relationship, but I really wasn’t ready to hear or heed that assessment. I just wanted people to know that yes, I recognize something is, to put it mildly in my case, “off” about this person, but the final judgement, diagnoses, label, whatever you call it, had yet to be determined. It became more of a “please note” that yes, I am aware of his tendencies, I hear your concern, but I am on top of it and have it under control.
I have ultimately learned to trust my gut instinct about
people, believe that the majority of people are decent human beings, but I have some sort of “psycho radar” that I must acknowledge and be in a readiness state at all times.
I compare it to living among pit bulls, (no offense to you lovers of the breed,), but if I see one, or one moves into the neighborhood I have to have an exit strategy in place before I venture out. Not all pit bulls will kill you in one bite, but there is enough of a tendency, by nature or nurture, that implies a threat to my well being if I reach my hand out. I allow them a wide berth, and when the owner tells me his dog is friendly, I politely move away even further.
I believe that psychopaths/sociopaths are ‘mostly’
untreatable because of their desire to NOT WANT
any change at all.
Where the majority of us THRIVE on a constant
change, introspection, rolling with the punches, etc.,
in life, they have no desire or inspiration to ‘change’
anything about themselves because they are like sharks.
They hunt for meat and they eat and when they
are full, they leave the ravaged skeleton behind.
Sometimes. Sometimes they even eat that too.
I trust NO ONE around me any more.
Not after all the evil I have witnessed.
I am not interested in ANY THING other than
having it and keeping it FAR FAR away from me
for the rest of eternity. I don’t wonder anymore,
about any of it. There is no ‘figuring out’ the work
of the devil. It’s all to confuse and blindside you
by using your own emotions.
It has taken me a while to figure this all out.
I didn’t think I would ever make it back to the land
of the living, but I finally am making it. Don’t know
how long I have left, but all that matters is that I am
breathing and that “IT” is away from me now and it
is quiet.
I don’t believe they change, unless they truly want to. I
DO believe they are capable of change just like everyone
else on the planet. I will never believe otherwise.
It is a choice in life, for them, just as our’s is for us.
Because we don’t live like they do, doesn’t mean they aren’t
CHOOSING to be that way. If I were to give up my ‘choice’
theory, wouldn’t I be giving up on not only “IT” but perhaps
also a little bit on MYSELF?
I had blind optimism for a very long time.
Until I gave up hoping on anyone but myself.
In the end, it’s the only person you can really
and truly depend on.
Thanks Steve.
I always enjoy reading you.
Hope everything is well and going good for you.
Dupey
SPacific: You sound so surprised and shocked.
I hope you are safe and alright in your situation.
Take immediate evasive action!!!!!!
So sorry for you.
I know what that kind of shock is like.
I wish you well with blessings.
kim: they would train the spider to be a ‘minion’
and send it out into the world to do their dirt….
Hello,
Great article Steve. More and more I am learning about sociopaths and their awful behaviours. I too got entangled in the web of a sociopath at my work. Spath mirrored my personality and made me believe we had so much in common. I guess that my other co-workers gave me too much praise about my personality and the spath became jealous. Anyway we became close friends and then I noticed little things that signalled that the friendship was not mutual. Of course my first reaction was to fix what was wrong in our friendship. Initially friend would take my advice and improve which was quite short-lived. Friend is kind and will to things for me and for others as well.
As time went on we became very close and so friend began to reveal more than bits and pieces of life past and present. As information was shared I would ask questions when certain things were not in line with my own standards. To me the “off things” did not seem like anything I could not help him to fix. I was so wrong. Our friendship grew tight and we would spend hours after work just chatting because this friend was like none I’ve had before. As we went along many months later the friendship now had strong elements of a relationship. However, friend would not talk about or admit our closeness. No sex was involved but we had become like a couple now when in private. One evening before we parted I asked friend to give me a kiss. I would normally friend on the cheek or forehead. My friend headed for my lips and then on to deep kissing. The next day friend would not talk about it at all. The long and short of some of the personal encounters is that it was beyond mere friendship and more of a gay relationship. Yet friend would never admit to our same-sex activities. Friend was heterosexual all the way regardless of the obvious.
As time went on friend would shared even more very personal matters past and present with me. I guessed it was to gain my trust more. The good thing is that friend was never interested in my personal life and I did not push to reveal much as personal information from friend was interesting. There is a narcissistic side to friend. I did not mind friend removing the mask to reveal the real person. But I tried to remain guarded as best as I could.
From what friend shared I realized that something was wrong as no person with a conscience would do those things and simply laugh about it or did not care. The majority could not stand ourselves if we did those things. By then I had began to do my research to first make sense of our close friendship. Was friend gay, straight or bisexual. I could not figure it out. It is in this blog I am now learning that spaths can be anything you want them to be. After a while I put aside the sexual orientation research and started researching friend’s personality and here I am today at Lovefraud and similar sites. I have been reading Lovefraud material for over a year now but whenever I was to post it was as if I did not know where to begin so I decided to give myself some time.
Basically as I spend time with friend and observe I realized that friend fit most of the sociopathic traits. Liar, cheat, cons, promiscuous, lack emotions, plays with people’s emotions for fun or to get sex, can become violent if pushed to the extreme, doesn’t like conversations of emotional or heart nature, has a lot of energy, uses smile to charm and lure victims, has had sex with teenager, the married, the engaged, the divorced, sex with people twice the spath’s age and older – no age barrier when it comes to sex. Spath’s first child was at age 16 yrs but disowned it – did not want the parental responsibility so early. Now spath laughs about engaging the child (age 10) into conversations and the girl child has no idea spath is one of the parents. Spath accepted child #2 and the boy is now 5. However, child #3 (girl) now age 3yrs is disowned and passed on to someone else just like child #1. When I talk about accepting child #3 spath because of the negative impact it could have on the child ”“ spath just laugh. Now that I think about the child might be better off not having spath as a parent.
The list of bad things shared with me is too long to mention. My friend is not lazy and works hard. I don’t findfriend to be dishonest where money is concerned. I have loaned friend money a few times and got it back at the agreed time. The first time friend borrowed a significant amount I got the run around in getting it back. When I stopped being nice and stood my ground I got back the money instantly. I guess that friend was just testing me at the time. That game was never played with me again. I always got repaid on time but I am careful not to loan money all the time. Again I can ask him to do chores for me and it is not a problem. I have learnt from Steve’s article and others not to let my guard down because of a few positive traits. Leopards don’t change their spots.
Somehow friend is not afraid to share with me the naughtiness of past and present things committed. Friend does lie to me a lot but later on reveals the truth. I am now able to spot the lies easily. The lying was never on me but about things relating to other people. Or a story might be told me earlier has now been altered to make spath look good. I still don’t trust him so I trod carefully. Friend does get moody at times but craves my attention at times maybe to relieved the inner torment. I guess that I often entertain friend by listening to the sexual exploit stories. I am guilty of giving a listening ear but that is the time when I am able to delve deeply in friend’s personal life by questioning. I can’t explain it but friend would tell me what I want to know when feeling at ease with me. Oftentimes witheld information or make it a challenge but somewhere down the line if my timing is right I would get the answers or truth I seek. I guess they like mind games. Friend would show me private text messages or allow me to go through the phone. I guess I have allowed friend to trust me too much and as a result there is no inhibition in sharing deep secrets with me.
Although we work together I am working on breaking away from this person because the friendship has negatively affected my inner/emotional life to a degree. That I wil have to restored and it takes a lot of work but I want back who I was before I met this bastard. Spath knows that I have figured out the real persona because the mask is taken off around me all the time. But Spath seems not to care that so much has been revealed to me.
Thanks for reading and the very best to you all in the journey of your personal life.
Steve:
Excellent article! I suffered from the same confusion, in that I was baffled by the sometimes quite generous and kind things he would do for me vs the incredibly selfish and irresponsible actions he took the majority of the time. Mixed my brain all up! It also was what kept me in the relationship for as long as I did, always hoping that things would finally get better. As I said in another post, this is where the greatest harm is done, in that waiting period.
My spath was never physically violent towards me or really anyone else, unlike my spath parent. In my opinion, it actually made him more dangerous because he was so charming and likeable. He told me once, “I made a decision when I was younger, never to be mean.” Whether he did that out of genuine concern for the harm he was capable of doing to others, or whether it just made it easier to get others to fall for his schemes and cons, I don’t know. I know that at least I knew what was coming with my parent and could therefore protect myself better. However, I now hate them both equally, so really, what’s the difference. Another time, I asked him why he lied so much. “Because it’s supposed to be true!” was his answer after thinking about my question for a few seconds. I think if I had been more educated in what a spath’s characteristics were, I could have protected myself better, because he could actually be quite truthful at times when I confronted him in a relaxed moment. But then again, I don’t know. And honestly, when things were good, I didn’t want to rock the boat, since the good times were few and far between. In addition, he was an alcoholic, so I put down a lot of his traits to his drinking, even though I knew somehow, there was more wrong with him than alcoholism.
The best thing about your article was that it reinforced to me that there was nothing more I could have done in that relationship to save it. He is what he is, and I know that now. And really, with some thought, even if I had known what he was, the answer is still the same. Get away from him and stay as far away from him as possible. Even now, my heart breaks for what could have been. That is the hardest part of this whole thing. And very hard to accept, STILL, that it never will be. Well, as it says in the Big Book of AA (I have been around other alcoholics in my life), “ACCEPTANCE is the answer to all our problems today.” I have to say, that philosophy really works. As soon as I let go, my answers come!
Thank you again, Steve, for your insightful article.
Annie…
you seem to me to be extending needlessly an argument that is not even present between us? I’m genuinely confused, and perhaps alone in my confusion?
My articles issues a disclaimer each and every time recognizing the reality of female sociopathy. For many, that would satisfy, in and of itself.
In your case, based on your feedback, I’ve agreed to place that disclaimer prominently atop my articles. But that is not enough, still?
Moreover, I acknowledge, yet again, right here, the “reality” of female exploitation of males–I’ve written about it; in no way, shape or form have I ever disputed this reality.
Am i unable to state that, in my own personal clinical experience (and personal life experience), that I’ve seen more male exploitation of women than women of men?
Is this a slander against men (I’m a man, to begin with), given that I’m not arrogantly asserting that my own experience makes this factual, statistically; merely that it’s only what i’ve seen?
In no instance have I ever minimized the trauma that female exploiters can inflict on men. I’ve never suggested this doesn’t occur.
In a recent article I discuss a female with sociopathic characteristics? That means nothing, other than prompting you to question what her motives are in working with me?
Is there possibly some need on your end to manufacture the “myth” that I’ve been discounting the reality of female sociopathy and exploitation?
This is what I’m deriving from your continued focus on this. I suggest we retire this issue between us (which is really a “non issue”), and find something more fruitful to discuss?
newlife43:
It sounds like you were with the one I knew. Not violent at all. Extremely charming, which is also in my book, way more dangerous, etc., etc. I could go on and on.
Kim,
You crack me up too. I crack me up sometime’s also. Is this a sign of senility or insanity ? lmaorotfabm