Recently, a reporter was inquiring about people who live double lives. Why do they do it? Can they maintain double lives for a long time? What are the dangers?
Like most of us at Lovefraud, I have some experience with this. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, cheated with at least six different women during our 2.5-year marriage. He had a child with one of the women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of the child, which was the second time he committed bigamy. And of course, he took a quarter-million dollars from me—spending much of the money entertaining these other women.
Not everyone who lives a double life is a sociopath. Some people, like spies and undercover cops, are doing their jobs. But for all those people who don’t have a legitimate reason for creating an alternate existence—why do they do it?
Exploitation
Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people simultaneously.
This is especially true of the parasites that sponge off of their romantic partners. I’ve heard of many, many cases in which sociopaths, both male and female, are involved with two, three or even more romantic relationships at once, and taking from all of their partners—money, sex, cars, entertainment, whatever. Essentially the sociopaths are looking for supply, and the more sources of supply they have, the better.
Promiscuity
Another reason for double lives is the promiscuity of sociopaths. Most sociopaths have a high appetite for sex, amazing stamina, and get bored easily. Consequently, what they really want in their sex lives is variety. So they hook up with a variety of people, in a variety of places, and engage in a variety of sex acts.
Often, however, the sociopaths’ sexual partners do not share these wide-ranging proclivities. But the sociopaths don’t bother to tell the truth about what they’re doing. The sociopaths simply pursue their sexual agendas with multiple people, but keep everyone separate. Sometimes this involves elaborate ruses and manipulation.
Thrill of the game
This leads to another point—many sociopaths simply love the game. They love getting over on people—one expert called this “duping delight.”
For example, one night shortly after we were engaged, my ex-husband came to visit me. He was driving a strange car. When I asked him whose car it was, he told me an elaborate story about it belonging to a military buddy. The truth was that he had another woman staying with him for a week, and he drove her car to my house. I don’t know what reason he gave her for taking her car, but whatever it was, it was unnecessary. He could have driven his own car. I believe Montgomery just wanted to take her car to visit me for the thrill of getting over on both of us.
I’ve heard of other cases like this. A woman brought one man that she was dating to a trade association dinner in which another man she was dating was being presented with an award. Why? For the fun of seeing one guy squirm, and the other guy clueless.
Mask of normalcy
Finally, some sociopaths hold a job, have a family, maintain a house and go to church to provide cover for their true pursuits—sex, drugs, crime and perhaps even murder. This is how some famous serial killers operated, such as Dennis Lynn Rader, the BTK killer. He worked, was a church deacon, and killed 10 people. His wife of 34 years never knew of his desire to “bind, torture and kill.”
Even when they aren’t killers, many sociopaths establish “normal” lives to make it easier to pursue their exploitative interests. Some sociopaths are also extremely concerned about their image. They want to keep their places in society, and having a spouse, family, job and a hot car all contribute to their status.
In answer to one of the questions at the beginning of this article, many sociopaths can, indeed, maintain the double lives for many, many years. I’ve heard from plenty of women who were married 10, 20, 25 years—and then were shocked to discover what their husbands were doing throughout their entire marriage.
Dangers of the double lives
Yes, I suppose some sociopaths face danger because of their double lives—but honestly, I’m not overly concerned about them.
But the dangers to unknowing partners are serious. Sociopaths bleed their partners of money to fund their extracurricular activities. As I reported in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, 20 percent of Lovefraud survey respondents said that their sociopathic partners infected them with sexually transmitted diseases. In this blog, I’ve reported at least two cases of men who were convicted of knowingly transmitting HIV to unknowing sex partners.
But even when partners aren’t physically harmed by the double lives of sociopaths, the psychological damage of betrayal is profound. Discovery of the truth leads to two kinds of shock: The shock at the callous actions of the sociopath, and the personal shock that the partner was totally in the dark.
Recovery, for the targets, can be long and difficult. In the meantime, the sociopaths simply move on to another life.
This is exactly what happened to me.I was the other women being lied to.the wife as well as myself were total victims. It’s been 6 months no contact and a long but brighter road ahead. I am so grateful that this site exists. It’s my only insight on the mind and working of these disgusting people and the damage they cause. This man has almost all of the red flags and now I get it. It was easy for this man because I knew him since I was age six. An old family connection so there was instant trust when we reconnected. I was blind but was important is now I see.
Donna, thank you so very much for this article – it couldn’t have been posted at a more appropriate time.
I have been sort of backpedaling and trying to convince myself that the exspath had held a government position for nearly 2 decades, that we owned real estate, that our bills were paid (so I believed), and that it really wasn’t THAT bad, was it?
Dear godalmighty, he compartmentalized his interests in violent sex against women even before we were married. He maintained this interest and his vile activities with others throughout our marriage. Sex with him was like having sex with a stranger – always – no words of endearment or whispers of love. Just a thoroughly icy distant stare throughout the process without any concern for my pleasure. His self-indulgent legitimate “nonsexual” hobbies that changed nearly like clockwork every 9 months.
THEN….the liquidation of my private resources. NOW….he’s exacting financial retribution for having been kicked out of the deviant closet and being exposed for the Thing that he is – a USER and TAKER.
Here, I’ve been feeling sad for what I’d lost on an emotional and financial level. I’ve been questioning whether things were as bad as all that to end the marriage. Anyone else do this in their process? PLEASE, advise on this!
I should be feeling righteous indignation and moral outrage! Instead, I’m feeling sorry for myself, I guess, and how I shouldn’t be IN this position! OKIE DOKIE!!!!
I really need some “Towanda,” at this point! LOL
THANK YOU, DONNA!!!!!
Truthspeak, most of us have done that very thing, question ourselves when confronted with the truth. Deep down I knew what was wrong but I sure didn’t want it to be so and doubting myself seemed reasonable. NOT! But getting through that was tough. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
Truthspeak:
It’s cog/diss and it’s horrible. We all do it. I think it’s because we wanted it to be real and not a lie…we wanted all the lies to be true. It’s really tough, but we will all get to peace someday.
Donna ~ Very timely article for me. I come from an entirely different side of this “Double Life” and for me I am not sure there is any recovery.
“Another reason for double lives is the promiscuity of sociopaths.” “Consequently, what they really want in their sex lives is variety. So, they hook up with a variety of people, in a variety of places, and engage in a variety of sex acts.” Well, that about covers it for my daughter.
While I have been aware for a long time that she is on multiple dating web sites, advertising herself as straight, bi-sexual and lesbian, depending on the site. I have been aware that she has had countless sexual partners. Last week was the final piece of information in her “thrilling” “double life”. She was arrested and convicted for prostitution.
How does a mother recover from that, how will her son, who I raise, recover from that when he grows up, how will her three year old daughter recover from that when she is growing up? Where will our recovery come from?
And you are right Donna, she will “simply move on to another life” She is living “Bella Vita” (beautiful life)
{{{{{{{MiLo}}}}}}}
I have no words of wisdom that might help you, right now. Just commiseration and comfort. If I could, I would gather you up, hug you tight, and pat your back and cry with you. OxD knows too much about this horrible burden that you’re carrying, as well as others. We’re all here to accept your rants, your raves, your despair, and your resolve.
Peace, Milo.
Truthspeak… it is the cognitive dissonance indeed making you try to lessen the outrageous acts your ex has done.
Our mind is prone to twist reality and facts to our own convenience, to make it concordant with our investments and choices. If we buy an expensive cell phone with all the gimmicks that we don’t even use or need, especially when it wasn’t totally within budget limits, we’re not likely to admit to oursleves or others that we bought the wrong phone for us… we’ll ignore the fact that we’re annoyed at not making certain features work because the phone is just not programmed in a handy logical way, and meanwhile praise the rest and even blame ourselves for not beig able to use the phone as the sales guy told us we could. That we bought a bad design will be overlooked.
When you are confronted with factual aspects that are not in agreement with your choices and expectations, the this creates a state of cognitive disssonance mentally. But the mind dsilikes being in a cognitive dissonance state and will foremostly try to alleviate it so that it feels right again in the brain. Since you cannot undo your prime wrong choice, the easiest way to do this for the mind is ignoring the wrongs, giving superior weight to the good (more points), and blaming yourself instead of the obect of the choice.
And this is what your brain is tryng to do right now, Truthspeak… trying to escape out of the cognitive dissonance. Unfortunately, to recover from a spath, the only healthy choice is to live in this state of cognitive dissonance, even though it makes you momentarily less functioning (it costs more energy to remain in a state of cognitive dissonance, than to rationalise it away with distortion of reality). The state of severe cognitive dissonance you’rein right now can take several months to ease off. Once you reach the state where you accept your last choice (to go NC and rid the spath out of your life) as THE RIGHT CHOICE, rather than the old choice of being in a relationship with the spath, the dissonance will wear off, simply because then you’ll be using all the arguments and rationales to ease off the dissonance PRO staying away.
In order for you to accept that your last choice was the right one, you must be able to face the reality that your initial choice (and all the subsequential ones whenever a red flag was thrown in your face and you ignored it) was a wrong one.
Truthspeak ~ Thanks so much, hugs (((()))) right back to you, sounds like you could really use some of those too.
I guess I really don’t care about the recovery, I have reached that indifferent stage. I have disconnected with my D even though I am under a court visitation order that makes it necessary to communicate with her. Gray rock, rocks for me.
BUT, what will having a “mother” like this do to her children? Even with all the love and support we give our Grandson and the limited contact he does have with his egg donor, sooner or later he will have to come to grips with this kind of “double life”. And what an example to set for a little girl, I can’t begin to imagine.
Truthspeak – along with the cognitive dissonance that Darwinsmom explained, I think there’s another explanation for how you feel. It’s the psychological bond that forms whenever we’re in a relationship with a sociopath. Psychological bonding is a normal part of being in any relationship, but the sociopaths hijack the process and introduce fear and anxiety, which actually strengthens the bond. So even though you know the guy is bad news, you still have a psychological compulsion to remain in the relationship. The compulsion needs to be broken, and it’s much like breaking an addiction. I do explain this more in my new book.
MiLo – your situation is so painful. Hugs.
I think the message that the kids need to get is that it’s not them. Their mothers’ behavior is not their fault. No matter how the mother acts, they are still great kids.
From the your posts that I’ve read, I’m sure you are giving your grandson that message every day.