Recently, a reporter was inquiring about people who live double lives. Why do they do it? Can they maintain double lives for a long time? What are the dangers?
Like most of us at Lovefraud, I have some experience with this. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, cheated with at least six different women during our 2.5-year marriage. He had a child with one of the women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of the child, which was the second time he committed bigamy. And of course, he took a quarter-million dollars from me—spending much of the money entertaining these other women.
Not everyone who lives a double life is a sociopath. Some people, like spies and undercover cops, are doing their jobs. But for all those people who don’t have a legitimate reason for creating an alternate existence—why do they do it?
Exploitation
Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people simultaneously.
This is especially true of the parasites that sponge off of their romantic partners. I’ve heard of many, many cases in which sociopaths, both male and female, are involved with two, three or even more romantic relationships at once, and taking from all of their partners—money, sex, cars, entertainment, whatever. Essentially the sociopaths are looking for supply, and the more sources of supply they have, the better.
Promiscuity
Another reason for double lives is the promiscuity of sociopaths. Most sociopaths have a high appetite for sex, amazing stamina, and get bored easily. Consequently, what they really want in their sex lives is variety. So they hook up with a variety of people, in a variety of places, and engage in a variety of sex acts.
Often, however, the sociopaths’ sexual partners do not share these wide-ranging proclivities. But the sociopaths don’t bother to tell the truth about what they’re doing. The sociopaths simply pursue their sexual agendas with multiple people, but keep everyone separate. Sometimes this involves elaborate ruses and manipulation.
Thrill of the game
This leads to another point—many sociopaths simply love the game. They love getting over on people—one expert called this “duping delight.”
For example, one night shortly after we were engaged, my ex-husband came to visit me. He was driving a strange car. When I asked him whose car it was, he told me an elaborate story about it belonging to a military buddy. The truth was that he had another woman staying with him for a week, and he drove her car to my house. I don’t know what reason he gave her for taking her car, but whatever it was, it was unnecessary. He could have driven his own car. I believe Montgomery just wanted to take her car to visit me for the thrill of getting over on both of us.
I’ve heard of other cases like this. A woman brought one man that she was dating to a trade association dinner in which another man she was dating was being presented with an award. Why? For the fun of seeing one guy squirm, and the other guy clueless.
Mask of normalcy
Finally, some sociopaths hold a job, have a family, maintain a house and go to church to provide cover for their true pursuits—sex, drugs, crime and perhaps even murder. This is how some famous serial killers operated, such as Dennis Lynn Rader, the BTK killer. He worked, was a church deacon, and killed 10 people. His wife of 34 years never knew of his desire to “bind, torture and kill.”
Even when they aren’t killers, many sociopaths establish “normal” lives to make it easier to pursue their exploitative interests. Some sociopaths are also extremely concerned about their image. They want to keep their places in society, and having a spouse, family, job and a hot car all contribute to their status.
In answer to one of the questions at the beginning of this article, many sociopaths can, indeed, maintain the double lives for many, many years. I’ve heard from plenty of women who were married 10, 20, 25 years—and then were shocked to discover what their husbands were doing throughout their entire marriage.
Dangers of the double lives
Yes, I suppose some sociopaths face danger because of their double lives—but honestly, I’m not overly concerned about them.
But the dangers to unknowing partners are serious. Sociopaths bleed their partners of money to fund their extracurricular activities. As I reported in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, 20 percent of Lovefraud survey respondents said that their sociopathic partners infected them with sexually transmitted diseases. In this blog, I’ve reported at least two cases of men who were convicted of knowingly transmitting HIV to unknowing sex partners.
But even when partners aren’t physically harmed by the double lives of sociopaths, the psychological damage of betrayal is profound. Discovery of the truth leads to two kinds of shock: The shock at the callous actions of the sociopath, and the personal shock that the partner was totally in the dark.
Recovery, for the targets, can be long and difficult. In the meantime, the sociopaths simply move on to another life.
Ox Drover
Hurt, think of this guy like Ted Bundy “he was such a good friend and a nice guy WHEN HE WASN’T RAPING AND KILLING WOMEN.” LOL No one is “bad ALL the time” and no one is “good ALL the time” But you look at the worst things people do…..and judge by that.
This guy is not someone you can trust….and if you can’t trust someone, what kind of a relation-shit do you have with them? Not much.
Block him out! Cut him off! NO CONTACT!!!!
behind_blue_eyes
Hurt;
“It’s so hard when you don’t SEE a person very often and communicate mostly by email or phone.”
That is the realm of the sociopath.
hurt95
Ox – that is perhaps the most profound mystery to me. Always loving others and looking for the good in people, I originally thought I could rescue him from his demons, stemming from his childhood lack of parental love. But I soon gave up on that, as I realized he would not change. I believe as a narcissist that his depressive episodes are getting worse with age.. and maybe that is his due. But enough about him. To protect myself from the agony of seeing his name in my emails, I have blocked his email address several times through this process and guess what? The emails still came through. So once again I have labeled his messages “Junk – Delete and Block Contact,” hoping the label sticks!!
hurt95
After ten years I want him out of my head. Even through long periods in the past of No Contact, he was “there.” I hate that. NEVER in my life (and I am not young!) have I had trouble with this. Other relationships came and went, but this one left scars and a longing for closure that was impossible. There is no closure with a spath.
Louise
Oxy:
I know, I understand of course! I get it. And you are right. I was just saying that because hurt95 said that he always would reply to her so it was out of character for him to not reply and then when he did, it sounded like he was out of it emotionally. But no kidding…it’s obvious the guy is not trustworthy…haha! 🙂
behind_blue_eyes
hurt;
Not being able to get them out of your head seems to be the worst damage caused by sociopaths and stems from the good/bad treatment plus the withholding of “reward.”
Studies have shown these tactics are highly effective.
Louise
hurt95:
OMG…what you just posted is exactly me!!! It hasn’t been ten years, but it’s been over two years now and I absolutely CANNOT forget about him! It has to be because he is a spath…without a doubt. Just like you…in the past, relationships came and went…they ran their course, but not with this one. I also had long periods of no contact…four months, eight months, but he was STILL there in my head 24/7. It is driving me insane. I’ve asked myself over and over again why and it all points to him being a spath and the not ever getting closure. I even felt like I had closure at one point and then he just kept it going on…so I would have moved on, but then he kept me on the line. And then he disappeared again and then once again I was left without closure. I am beginning to feel like you…”there is no closure with a spath.” 🙁
Louise
BBE:
How do spaths know that these tactics are highly effective? Do they all go to the same “Spath School” or something…haha! I just don’t get it. They all seem to do the same crap…do we really think they are “studying” how to make us miserable? I just think they are so disordered that they just “do what they do” and they don’t care and in turn it’s all shit. I don’t know 🙁
hurt95
Louise and BBE,
After years of knowing this guy, I would say the “hook” was that he seemed to really GET me. We would talk for hours on end. Looking back, though, it was really more about him than me. Much more. There is no “spath school” but I believe they are adept at studying what works with us.. and there are certain types of women that are more prone to being pulled into their snare. We truly are a source of supply to them. I remember so vividly about a year into my affair with him and trying to cut it off. He was almost in tears, saying he depended on me to keep him “up.” I had never heard such a plea in my life and knew it wasn’t normal, but kept giving him the benefit of the doubt over and over and over. I can’t tell you how many times he let me down with cancelled plans, secretly talking to his ex wife on the phone when he was with me, telling me he was divorced when he wasn’t, telling me he was seeing a counselor when he wasn’t. As I said, making the list of Pros and Cons is very lopsided on paper.. but in our heads it somehow doesn’t feel that way. I empathize with you, Louise, for not being able to get him out of your head. That is the real torture and punishment which somehow doesn’t seem fair, does it? They are certainly not losing any sleep over us!
Louise
hurt95:
HA, yeah…you are right about them not losing sleep over us…are you kidding? It’s just horrible. It is a torture. A torture like I have NEVER had in my life…just like you said in your earlier post. I have never felt this way in my entire life. He cast a spell on me that I can’t break. Maybe I need to do an exorcism or something. Please keep posting as I feel like we are on the same wavelength here…thank you.