Recently, a reporter was inquiring about people who live double lives. Why do they do it? Can they maintain double lives for a long time? What are the dangers?
Like most of us at Lovefraud, I have some experience with this. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, cheated with at least six different women during our 2.5-year marriage. He had a child with one of the women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of the child, which was the second time he committed bigamy. And of course, he took a quarter-million dollars from me—spending much of the money entertaining these other women.
Not everyone who lives a double life is a sociopath. Some people, like spies and undercover cops, are doing their jobs. But for all those people who don’t have a legitimate reason for creating an alternate existence—why do they do it?
Exploitation
Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people simultaneously.
This is especially true of the parasites that sponge off of their romantic partners. I’ve heard of many, many cases in which sociopaths, both male and female, are involved with two, three or even more romantic relationships at once, and taking from all of their partners—money, sex, cars, entertainment, whatever. Essentially the sociopaths are looking for supply, and the more sources of supply they have, the better.
Promiscuity
Another reason for double lives is the promiscuity of sociopaths. Most sociopaths have a high appetite for sex, amazing stamina, and get bored easily. Consequently, what they really want in their sex lives is variety. So they hook up with a variety of people, in a variety of places, and engage in a variety of sex acts.
Often, however, the sociopaths’ sexual partners do not share these wide-ranging proclivities. But the sociopaths don’t bother to tell the truth about what they’re doing. The sociopaths simply pursue their sexual agendas with multiple people, but keep everyone separate. Sometimes this involves elaborate ruses and manipulation.
Thrill of the game
This leads to another point—many sociopaths simply love the game. They love getting over on people—one expert called this “duping delight.”
For example, one night shortly after we were engaged, my ex-husband came to visit me. He was driving a strange car. When I asked him whose car it was, he told me an elaborate story about it belonging to a military buddy. The truth was that he had another woman staying with him for a week, and he drove her car to my house. I don’t know what reason he gave her for taking her car, but whatever it was, it was unnecessary. He could have driven his own car. I believe Montgomery just wanted to take her car to visit me for the thrill of getting over on both of us.
I’ve heard of other cases like this. A woman brought one man that she was dating to a trade association dinner in which another man she was dating was being presented with an award. Why? For the fun of seeing one guy squirm, and the other guy clueless.
Mask of normalcy
Finally, some sociopaths hold a job, have a family, maintain a house and go to church to provide cover for their true pursuits—sex, drugs, crime and perhaps even murder. This is how some famous serial killers operated, such as Dennis Lynn Rader, the BTK killer. He worked, was a church deacon, and killed 10 people. His wife of 34 years never knew of his desire to “bind, torture and kill.”
Even when they aren’t killers, many sociopaths establish “normal” lives to make it easier to pursue their exploitative interests. Some sociopaths are also extremely concerned about their image. They want to keep their places in society, and having a spouse, family, job and a hot car all contribute to their status.
In answer to one of the questions at the beginning of this article, many sociopaths can, indeed, maintain the double lives for many, many years. I’ve heard from plenty of women who were married 10, 20, 25 years—and then were shocked to discover what their husbands were doing throughout their entire marriage.
Dangers of the double lives
Yes, I suppose some sociopaths face danger because of their double lives—but honestly, I’m not overly concerned about them.
But the dangers to unknowing partners are serious. Sociopaths bleed their partners of money to fund their extracurricular activities. As I reported in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, 20 percent of Lovefraud survey respondents said that their sociopathic partners infected them with sexually transmitted diseases. In this blog, I’ve reported at least two cases of men who were convicted of knowingly transmitting HIV to unknowing sex partners.
But even when partners aren’t physically harmed by the double lives of sociopaths, the psychological damage of betrayal is profound. Discovery of the truth leads to two kinds of shock: The shock at the callous actions of the sociopath, and the personal shock that the partner was totally in the dark.
Recovery, for the targets, can be long and difficult. In the meantime, the sociopaths simply move on to another life.
Athena, yes, very true about loving a projection. These people find out what you really desire and then feed it back to you. Makes it a deep attraction.
OxD, yes, the desire for vengeance is constant and poison. Although I recognize it, I can’t seem to shake it. I also carry regret for my actions and ultimately getting the last laugh made me the bad guy. I have since stopped her twice trying to con others. I still feel a need to visit local farmers markets and tell those trusting folks. She was trying to get a man to partner a farming venture, buy land and such but, he withdrew after talking to me. 3 years later and I still find it necessary to tell people, it is certainly poison and a huge anchor. Although I recognize it, I don’t want anybody to hurt like I did.
I carry real empathy for anybody who goes through this. It cuts you to the very base of your existence. Sometimes I think I’ll never recover. My family helps me, my daughter’s dependence on me helps me. Perhaps I will put the whole story up here one day.
Louise;
We are in very similar situations — short-term relationships that never got out of the “idealization” stage. Even our x-spaths are very similar in nationality, age and appearance. Even while being short-term, our x-spaths quickly displayed their nature, yet we ignored the red flags. It was you, if I remember correctly, who really made this point clear to me.
Everyone here agrees “getting over” a sociopath is different, partly being the negative aspects of the relationship are actually reinforcing. Now, add to that their mirroring. I hate the word “soulmate” and never used it. However, that is the feeling I had toward the x-spath — not a burning physical attraction, but a soulmate. Everyone here seems to use that term to describe their x-spath.
That is the psychology of it. The psychiatry has a similar, two part explanation. Any relationship ending is going to cause a depression and ruminative thought is part of the depression. However, the anxiety caused by a sociopath can be so damaging as to cause PTSD, which is essentially a complete disregulation of the HPA-Axis. The continuum of HPA-Axis disregulation has scary implications. PTSD is at the mild end. Next comes Cyclothymia, then Bipolar Disorder and finally Schizophrenia.
When I saw an article about Schizophrenia, one aspect of it, Negative Schizophrenia, really clicked, as it exactly described my worst-state condition: lack of motivation, anhedonia, social withdrawal and especially obsessive thought regarding one subject, obviously the x-spath.
I am not Schizophrenic but it all clicked. At the urging of my counselor (and Ox Drover!) I sought a new Psychiatrist. Both of them agree I suffer from Cyclothymia, not only as a result of the x-spath but everything else in my life over the last five years. He was just the last straw that broke the camel’s back.
Interestingly, neither of the doctors, both of who are highly regarded, saw the connections. The Psychiatrists even chuckled at the mention of Schizophrenia and I agree regarding Cyclothymia. But it was important for me to understand that obsessive thought is symptom of extreme HPA-Axis disregulation and by treating it, the obsessive thoughts started to diminish.
BBE:
Oh, goodness…you are so right. That’s exactly what happened. I was stuck in the idealization phase as it never went far enough for me to “hate” him. All was good and that’s where I became stuck. Yes, they are both English and that right there means a lot…it means the same culture, etc. Good point about how they displayed red flags from the beginning, but we ignored them…but you know what just hit me when you said that? I ignored them because I wasn’t interested in him at that point. I just had an “aha” moment. We were only talking and were friendly…he would tell me things outright…things like “She’s a bitch (wife) and I’m a dick.” “I’m unreliable.” “I’m not the marrying kind.” (HA, then why have you been married for 20 years!). You get what I am saying though? I heard these things loud and clear (obviously I heard them…I still remember them verbatim over two years later!), but they didn’t mean anything to me at that time because I wasn’t in love with him yet. We were only friends at that point.
Wow, I really need to research this Cyclothymia thing. I have it without a doubt! Yikes!! How can these jerks cause so much damage? I guess because we let them. Sigh. I am going to mention this today to my therapist. Believe it or not, I really haven’t told him anything much at all about my experience with spath. He is very Freudian and delves into childhood so the last session was asking me in great deal about that and some things were revealed that I hadn’t realized. I need to stress to him today how much I really am addicted to this guy and how this is my current problem. I will ask him about Cyclothymia and see if he has even heard of it. I am sure he has…hopefully! 🙂
Thanks, BBE.
PS: That is also EXACTLY what happened to me…it wasn’t necessarily the spath, but I also had five years straight of all kind of life events that happened to me…very stressful job, started a business on the side borrowing a ton of money from SBA to get it started, business failed, had to file bankruptcy because of it and I had PERFECT credit…that devastated me, dad was diagnosed with cancer and then died 13 months later (all this was going on while I was still working at a very stressful job; a lot of pressure to perform)…and then BAM about another year later, spath walks into my life. I just was coming out of all that had happened to me and then he came out of nowhere. Just like you said, “it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
Also, I forgot to tell everyone…my therapist has initially diagnosed me with an “Adjustment Disorder.” I questioned him about it as I didn’t agree with it, but he said it was only the “initial” diagnosis.
BBE:
I just researched Cyclothymia and it does sound like me. I know I am not Bipolar, but this is a mild form of Bipolar. I have never been able to figure out how I can feel fine one day and down in the crapper the next day. My moods are very unstable and have been for a long time. This may explain it. It also says there is a genetic predisposition and it’s no secret there is a lot of mental illness in my family so hmmmm…I am going to mention this today and see what my therapist thinks.
Treatment Approach:
1) It there is any depression, depression, this must be treated first.
2) Anxiety. While benzodiazepines can offer short-term relief, addiction is a real concern as well as side effects. Moreover, rebound anxiety when the drug wears off is real and horrible.
3) Insomnia. Like anxiety, medications can help in the short-term but are not a long-term solution. After several days they make me very depressed and rebound insomnia can occur.
4) Holistic. My experience with benzodiazepines and sleep medication was so horrible, I had to wonder why these medications are prescribed in such quantities. My only conclusion is that I must be particularly sensitive, because if everyone reacted the same way they would universally get a bad name. But ask your self a hard question — could my medication be making me worse?
Unfortunately, a holistic approach is difficult to follow. But it is not impossible:
No caffeine, or at the most green tea (or any tea) only in the AM. Teas have much less caffeine than coffee and these also contain l-Theanine which is calming. I find too much caffeine makes my mind race.
No refined sugars. In Bipolar individuals, sweets are known to trigger mood swings, so much so that a glucose tolerance test is sometimes used to confirm a diagnosis.
No alcohol. I admit this has been a problem for me. Not that I drink heavily anymore but still do in social situations. In addition, alcohol makes you forget for a while too but when it wears off, obsessive thoughts not only return but are magnified.
Exercise – not only does it make you feel good, but it blunts the body’s response to cortisol under non-exercise stress conditions.
Insomnia. Eliminating caffeine, refined sugars and alcohol will help in the long run. Good sleep-promoting habits are essential. These include going to bed and getting up at the same time, sleeping in a dark, quiet room, comfortable bed.
Computer screens are very stimulating as light emitted tends to be blue-spectrum. So, we can’t sleep and get on the computer. This is as bad as taking a cup of coffee. I cannot underscore the importance of staying off a computer at late hours. At the very least, get amber colored glasses to block the blue light. If you think this is hokie, look it up.
Louise;
And just like you, I was at first not very interested. My x-spath seemed like a nice guy, but there was something about him that was cold. In fact, it was a conversation where he said “it takes me a while to warm-up to people” where something clicked, as those words could be used to describe me. That is exactly when I began thinking that maybe I had found somebody.
While your past may predispose you to mood swings, IMHO, talking about your childhood does solve the present. You need somebody who understands the extraordinary stress of your last five years and takes a appropriate treatment approach.
BBE:
I will definitely respond to this later. I have to get ready for my appointment. Look for me later! 🙂
Louise;
I noticed that once I took a psychiatric treatment approach (anti-depressant plus holistic), my “romantic” attachment to the x-spath faded. That was huge, as I stopped believing that there was any real good in him. However, I have lack of closure regarding two issues: 1) never had the satisfaction of telling him I figured him out; 2) confirmation that I am right about him being HIV+.
As I mentioned elsewhere, while preparing for another trip to Europe, I went on a gay dating site to chat up some locals. Of course, the feel “safe” (and tbh maybe curious) I looked to see if the x-spath had a profile there. Sure enough, he does and is very, very active.
Of course his profile is a complete lie and its obvious he is trying to remain “under the radar” despite his high use. At first, I was triggered until I realized how pathetic he has become. Louise, you know London and suddenly he has moved to Kensington on a flight attendant’s salary, lol! He says he is looking for somebody that is good for him (no comment) and I cannot help but wonder how he explains himself when he meets somebody…
Still, part of me views this as a opportunity to put the last nail in the coffin by playing him. Several here have done that before and I think I can get my questions answered and then tell him that “a friend of mine knows you… and you are not 37, your picture looks a little photoshopped, you don’t live in Kensington, and don’t you have a big willy…”
At the very least, his head will be spinning for once…
Louise & BBE, when I was married to the first exspath, I believed that I was bi-polar because of incredible mood swings, hypersensitivity, and other things that pointed in that direction. I believed that I was suffering from an organic disorder, was placed on an antidepressant, and remained with the first exspath for 2 more years. What I did not understand at that time was that I was enduring domestic violence and abuse, on all levels, and I was no longer in control of my own life, much less emotional health.
Once I left the first exspath, I never took another antidepressant, again. I was suffering from situational depression – I KNEW that something was wrong, that being threatened with murder/suicide was not normal, that the behaviors that I witnessed were not normal, and I also believed that I had no options available to get the heck out. So, of course, I was depressed and unstable! LOL!!!!
Today, I know the difference between true clinical depression and situational depression where I’m concerned.