Recently, a reporter was inquiring about people who live double lives. Why do they do it? Can they maintain double lives for a long time? What are the dangers?
Like most of us at Lovefraud, I have some experience with this. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, cheated with at least six different women during our 2.5-year marriage. He had a child with one of the women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of the child, which was the second time he committed bigamy. And of course, he took a quarter-million dollars from me—spending much of the money entertaining these other women.
Not everyone who lives a double life is a sociopath. Some people, like spies and undercover cops, are doing their jobs. But for all those people who don’t have a legitimate reason for creating an alternate existence—why do they do it?
Exploitation
Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people simultaneously.
This is especially true of the parasites that sponge off of their romantic partners. I’ve heard of many, many cases in which sociopaths, both male and female, are involved with two, three or even more romantic relationships at once, and taking from all of their partners—money, sex, cars, entertainment, whatever. Essentially the sociopaths are looking for supply, and the more sources of supply they have, the better.
Promiscuity
Another reason for double lives is the promiscuity of sociopaths. Most sociopaths have a high appetite for sex, amazing stamina, and get bored easily. Consequently, what they really want in their sex lives is variety. So they hook up with a variety of people, in a variety of places, and engage in a variety of sex acts.
Often, however, the sociopaths’ sexual partners do not share these wide-ranging proclivities. But the sociopaths don’t bother to tell the truth about what they’re doing. The sociopaths simply pursue their sexual agendas with multiple people, but keep everyone separate. Sometimes this involves elaborate ruses and manipulation.
Thrill of the game
This leads to another point—many sociopaths simply love the game. They love getting over on people—one expert called this “duping delight.”
For example, one night shortly after we were engaged, my ex-husband came to visit me. He was driving a strange car. When I asked him whose car it was, he told me an elaborate story about it belonging to a military buddy. The truth was that he had another woman staying with him for a week, and he drove her car to my house. I don’t know what reason he gave her for taking her car, but whatever it was, it was unnecessary. He could have driven his own car. I believe Montgomery just wanted to take her car to visit me for the thrill of getting over on both of us.
I’ve heard of other cases like this. A woman brought one man that she was dating to a trade association dinner in which another man she was dating was being presented with an award. Why? For the fun of seeing one guy squirm, and the other guy clueless.
Mask of normalcy
Finally, some sociopaths hold a job, have a family, maintain a house and go to church to provide cover for their true pursuits—sex, drugs, crime and perhaps even murder. This is how some famous serial killers operated, such as Dennis Lynn Rader, the BTK killer. He worked, was a church deacon, and killed 10 people. His wife of 34 years never knew of his desire to “bind, torture and kill.”
Even when they aren’t killers, many sociopaths establish “normal” lives to make it easier to pursue their exploitative interests. Some sociopaths are also extremely concerned about their image. They want to keep their places in society, and having a spouse, family, job and a hot car all contribute to their status.
In answer to one of the questions at the beginning of this article, many sociopaths can, indeed, maintain the double lives for many, many years. I’ve heard from plenty of women who were married 10, 20, 25 years—and then were shocked to discover what their husbands were doing throughout their entire marriage.
Dangers of the double lives
Yes, I suppose some sociopaths face danger because of their double lives—but honestly, I’m not overly concerned about them.
But the dangers to unknowing partners are serious. Sociopaths bleed their partners of money to fund their extracurricular activities. As I reported in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, 20 percent of Lovefraud survey respondents said that their sociopathic partners infected them with sexually transmitted diseases. In this blog, I’ve reported at least two cases of men who were convicted of knowingly transmitting HIV to unknowing sex partners.
But even when partners aren’t physically harmed by the double lives of sociopaths, the psychological damage of betrayal is profound. Discovery of the truth leads to two kinds of shock: The shock at the callous actions of the sociopath, and the personal shock that the partner was totally in the dark.
Recovery, for the targets, can be long and difficult. In the meantime, the sociopaths simply move on to another life.
The World Health Organization’s International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems, tenth edition (ICD-10), defines a conceptually similar disorder to antisocial personality disorder called Dissocial Personality Disorder, characterized by at least 3 of the following:
1) Callous unconcern for the feelings of others.
2) Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations.
3) Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them
4) Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence.
5) Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment.
6) Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.
This list seems to cut to the chase and puts less emphasis on criminal behavior.
In a very short time my x-spath exhibited 1), 3), 5) regarding guilt and 6), plus 4) if you exclude overt physical violence. I maintain this was simply due to his small stature and had our physical sizes been reversed, I might have experienced real violence. I did not know him long enough to assess him on #2.
Do what I do anytime I get that “well, there were good times.” Go down the list and use a concrete example of when these behaviors were exhibited.
hurt95:
Thanks for sharing your story. UGGHH. The webs we weave. It sounded very painful for you and I’m sorry you had to go through that.
You mentioned that you hired a detective to get all his text messages. How did that work?? I thought that was only possible in criminal cases or only when court mandated or something?
Good morning, Louise..
How are you feeling today.? You have lots of support on this blog which I hope will keep you feeling strong and in the No Contact zone.
When the detective got that information for me the laws were not as strict. This was more than 5 years ago and it was fortunate that I was able to get the information quickly. Again, this was not like me to go to such extremes but the situation distorted my judgment and I was obsessed with finding the answers. Anyone reeling from the sting of deception can understand that level of obsessivness, I suppose!
Another thing I thought about when I woke up this morning… whenever I would tell him how much he hurt me, he would often reply, “We are BOTH hurting,” or I am hurting as much as you. I could never understand his saying this when HE was the one creating all the drama and triangulation with the various women. It was almost as if he was complaining about what HE created! It was a true disconnect.. and the more I read about narcissism and sociopath tendencies, it made sense. It’s the inability to empathize and it is very real. As time went on, I saw this more and more.. but again was blinded by what I thought was love.
Looking back, it was always about him. When he would ask about things going on in my life (and he was a good listener), I would fool myself into thinking that he really cared about me. Then he would often forget he had already told me a story and would repeat it a few days later, which told me he was in touch with other women and just couldn’t remember who he told.
Without a doubt, it is an addiction that we have to them. Along with that, in my case, I just so desperately wanted him to do something, ANYTHING, to show me that he really wasn’t evil to the core. I ended up spending years of my precious life wishing, hoping, wanting him to SHOW me that he was sorry. Never happened. Never will. He is not sorry despite all the feigned sobbing he did to pretend as though he was.
Silvermoon said: “I know. I lived through a lot of those dramas. And then an attorney who was very sane showed me how easy a restraining order is. And when I went in front of the judge. I didn’t have to explain much after the part about the threat to kill my dog.”
I never went this route and will always regret that I didn’t. He did kill my dog.
So for those of you still enmeshed that have the ability to get the authorities involved, DO IT. You will regret it if you don’t. It is so true that when you are involved with evil, it starts to affect your own moral compass and what you know to be right and true. You lower your own good standards and allow them to brainwash you into thinking you’re silly and that their behavior is more the norm than the exception. I am lucky to have made it out alive. We are all lucky to have made it out alive.
BBE, THANKS!!!! for that information above, I was not aware of that classification and I think it makes a LOT MORE SENSE than the DSM’s classifications.
hurt95:
I am OK this morning. Just OK. Not great, but OK for the moment. It’s moment by moment.
Yeah, you were lucky you were able to get that info. I would LOVE to be able to do that. Sure wish I could. Probably could if I paid someone enough.
Yes, it is ALWAYS about them. Mine ALWAYS had the control. But it’s kind of funny when they think we are stupid…sometimes let them think that and then we can have the last laugh.
I will write more later. I have to get ready to meet a girlfriend for lunch.
BBE:
I am not ignoring you. I will answer you later today about how counseling is going and some other things. Have a good day!
Ox Drover;
I do not understand why the Psychiatric/Psychology community simply does not recognize that there are SOCIOPATHS (as defined by the WHO criteria) and PSYCHOPATHS (as defined by Hare and DSM criteria).
Perhaps too Sociopath hits too close to home?
Louise;
Yes let me know how it goes. Tonight, i am going to a mood disorder support group.
FYI, there is some great stuff here:
http://www.mdsg.org/index.php
BBE, I think it is more about the EGO of some of the PhDs….remember the old joke about what a HORSE that is designed by a committee looks like? A CAMEL! Everyone has to put their own hump on the thing.
Hare prefers the “Psychopath” term and others prefer “sociopath” because psychopath has been made into “serial killer” by the media.
Actually, I think there is NO difference between a socio and a psycho-path. To distinguish one as being criminal and one not criminal is cutting too fine a distinction I think.
Another part of the problem too, is that some of the “experts” are so dense that they cannot recognize a psychopath unless it is in prison stripes.
The 4 years I spent working at a college (a very well known and very highly regarded) I learned that the PhDs almost all have some EGO problems and don’t know what they don’t know, but they want to be experts in it anyway. LOL
PhD sometimes means PILED HIGHER AND DEEPER!
I do like the definition you posted though, makes a lot of sense.