Recently, a reporter was inquiring about people who live double lives. Why do they do it? Can they maintain double lives for a long time? What are the dangers?
Like most of us at Lovefraud, I have some experience with this. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, cheated with at least six different women during our 2.5-year marriage. He had a child with one of the women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of the child, which was the second time he committed bigamy. And of course, he took a quarter-million dollars from me—spending much of the money entertaining these other women.
Not everyone who lives a double life is a sociopath. Some people, like spies and undercover cops, are doing their jobs. But for all those people who don’t have a legitimate reason for creating an alternate existence—why do they do it?
Exploitation
Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people simultaneously.
This is especially true of the parasites that sponge off of their romantic partners. I’ve heard of many, many cases in which sociopaths, both male and female, are involved with two, three or even more romantic relationships at once, and taking from all of their partners—money, sex, cars, entertainment, whatever. Essentially the sociopaths are looking for supply, and the more sources of supply they have, the better.
Promiscuity
Another reason for double lives is the promiscuity of sociopaths. Most sociopaths have a high appetite for sex, amazing stamina, and get bored easily. Consequently, what they really want in their sex lives is variety. So they hook up with a variety of people, in a variety of places, and engage in a variety of sex acts.
Often, however, the sociopaths’ sexual partners do not share these wide-ranging proclivities. But the sociopaths don’t bother to tell the truth about what they’re doing. The sociopaths simply pursue their sexual agendas with multiple people, but keep everyone separate. Sometimes this involves elaborate ruses and manipulation.
Thrill of the game
This leads to another point—many sociopaths simply love the game. They love getting over on people—one expert called this “duping delight.”
For example, one night shortly after we were engaged, my ex-husband came to visit me. He was driving a strange car. When I asked him whose car it was, he told me an elaborate story about it belonging to a military buddy. The truth was that he had another woman staying with him for a week, and he drove her car to my house. I don’t know what reason he gave her for taking her car, but whatever it was, it was unnecessary. He could have driven his own car. I believe Montgomery just wanted to take her car to visit me for the thrill of getting over on both of us.
I’ve heard of other cases like this. A woman brought one man that she was dating to a trade association dinner in which another man she was dating was being presented with an award. Why? For the fun of seeing one guy squirm, and the other guy clueless.
Mask of normalcy
Finally, some sociopaths hold a job, have a family, maintain a house and go to church to provide cover for their true pursuits—sex, drugs, crime and perhaps even murder. This is how some famous serial killers operated, such as Dennis Lynn Rader, the BTK killer. He worked, was a church deacon, and killed 10 people. His wife of 34 years never knew of his desire to “bind, torture and kill.”
Even when they aren’t killers, many sociopaths establish “normal” lives to make it easier to pursue their exploitative interests. Some sociopaths are also extremely concerned about their image. They want to keep their places in society, and having a spouse, family, job and a hot car all contribute to their status.
In answer to one of the questions at the beginning of this article, many sociopaths can, indeed, maintain the double lives for many, many years. I’ve heard from plenty of women who were married 10, 20, 25 years—and then were shocked to discover what their husbands were doing throughout their entire marriage.
Dangers of the double lives
Yes, I suppose some sociopaths face danger because of their double lives—but honestly, I’m not overly concerned about them.
But the dangers to unknowing partners are serious. Sociopaths bleed their partners of money to fund their extracurricular activities. As I reported in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, 20 percent of Lovefraud survey respondents said that their sociopathic partners infected them with sexually transmitted diseases. In this blog, I’ve reported at least two cases of men who were convicted of knowingly transmitting HIV to unknowing sex partners.
But even when partners aren’t physically harmed by the double lives of sociopaths, the psychological damage of betrayal is profound. Discovery of the truth leads to two kinds of shock: The shock at the callous actions of the sociopath, and the personal shock that the partner was totally in the dark.
Recovery, for the targets, can be long and difficult. In the meantime, the sociopaths simply move on to another life.
Marie, I totally agree with you, and you know I had no doubt that you would scrub toilets if you had to to provide for yourself and that baby girl! You are a CAN DO gal! I hope you have family and friends where you are going to help you get settled, but getting away from him is the best thing you can do for yourself and the baby!
I have been there with a kid on each hip, and it is difficult, but you can do it…just remember to take time to smell the roses once in a while. That was one thing I did NOT do enough of. I spent way too much time working and doing for others and not enough for myself, so take my advice and spend your time wisely—and that includes recreation.
Where ever you go, keep in touch with us here at LF I hate not being able to keep up with “the REST of the story” when people drop off LF and “disappear.” LOL (((hugs)))
Thank you all so much for your support! I have many more negative interactions to recall with my Spath then good one’s that’s for sure.
The straw that broke the camels back (well, my back..) was a very intense demand from him for money. I’ve given it to him time and again. And, more than likely if I would have had it *again* I would have…but, I didn’t. So, he chose to sell his cellphone (2 days earlier I allowed him on my cell plan *again*) for cash, but that wasn’t enough. He said he had a tooth abscess (had come in a week early from offshore because of it) and needed to go to the dentist for pain meds and appt. I was working that day and unable to answer his emails(because the idiot sold his phone) in a timely manner. So, he became threatening told me he was going to get me fired from my job, and he was on his way to get $150. Well, at this point he borrows his sister’s phone and calls degrading me”stupid B” I need pain meds! You need to give me pain meds and money! I am crying and defending myself at this point. My boss hears my conversation. She walks over to my car (I had stepped out to have this conversation). And, she says “Don’t let him take over your life like this”. “This is ridiculous.” “You are at work taking care of 28 senior citizens”. And, at that moment I realized what a mess I had become for him. I was constantly manipulated and degraded by him for the simplest things.
So, in this timeframe, I go back to work and I hear my name over the intercom to come to the office. And, there he is…I walked outside with him as he said “you gonna help me or not”..I said, “I don’t have any money”. And, from that point he said the most awful things to me. “I’m going to burn you.” “I’m gonna make sure you lose your job”. Etc. Etc. Etc. Yes, he threatened to blackmail me.
Never trust a sociopath. Never ever do for them what you might do for your mom or dad.
After that encounter, I barely got an I’m sorry. He didn’t care that he ruined my entire day, or caused unnecessary stress and anxiety just so he could say the most awful things to me. And, he did this very often.
I didn’t hear from him until very late the next day. Apparently, he had gotten another phone and sent a text. “Hope your day was a good one”. Can you believe that?
Libra,
He doesn’t care about the money. He only cares about controlling you. He needs to know that when he says “JUMP!”, you will jump first and then ask, “was that high enough?”
If he takes you to a bridge and says, “JUMP!”, he needs to know that you won’t question him. IT’S ALL ABOUT POWER AND NOTHING MORE.
But I’m going to tell you a secret. This is what I found out when I read, Why is it always about you? The seven deadly sins of narcisissm, YOU have the power and it’s a very simple power because he is an addict and his addiction is control over you. Since he cannot actually control you, YOU control you, that means you have power over him. This is what scares him so much and makes him want to control you. Furthermore, he knows that he has control when you REACT to him. ANY REACTION confirms his power. If you run or if you cry, if you get angry or if you give him money, if you want an apology and demand it, these are all signs of his control over you. The only response to a spath is NO RESPONSE.
I had left my spath 3 times in 25 years and then I always took him back before. Why? Because he controlled my emotions instead of me controlling my emotions. I let him suck my emotions. I fed him the power he needed. I didn’t KNOW that this was his goal.
All the things you write about – the interactions, the details – these are just red herrings, distractions from the real motive: to make you squirt emotions. I could write a book filled with details and the rest of the LF crew could do the same: money getting thrown out the window, promises broken, bills unpaid, rages, tantrums, envy, triangulation, sex with multiple partners, drugs, alcohol, murder, suicide, theft. It’s a veritable soap opera. But all that drama is just means to an end for the psychopath because what he really wants is YOUR EMOTIONS for fun and games.
Your job is to not let him have any.
Once I understood what the spath REALLY wanted. He was putty in my hands. I played that game for a little while and he gave me money instead of me giving him money. Then he figured it out and it got harder. I really had no interest in it so I Gray Rocked him and he went away, for the most part.
Please read the article on Gray Rock, if you haven’t already. It explains the mechanism for getting rid of a psychopath with out drama.
I see you’ve gone NC for 16 days – CONGRATULATIONS! If you can avoid contact with him KEEP IT UP! If he shows up at your work or you encounter him somewhere that you can’t avoid, use the Gray Rock method.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Libra girl,
He is treating you like his own personal ATM and he expects you to give him money when he pushes the button and if you don’t then he pounds on the machine, cussing it like shiat!
If he keeps up this harassment, get a restraining order…your boss is your witness.
If he shows up at your job, do NOT step outside to talk to him. Say simply and CALMLY, “please leave now, or I will call the police” then if he does not leave, CALL THE COPS. Change your telephone number, get the cell number you gave him canceled. Change your e mail address or block him (if he’s using other’s phones and computers which h e probably is then you may have to change it in order to keep him blocked) but if he does e mail you don’t read it, just put it in a file to keep to show the cops if you need to get a restraining order. Keep your doors locked, change the locks if he has a key….
The point of all this is that he will drag you back into the drama rama and you will continue to be his personal ATM, and that is all you are to him. He didn’t have a dentist appointment, he wanted drugs….maybe he should get a job instead of coming after you for money. Maybe he never thought of that.
Libra,
Its about making a decision and following through. What makes it tough is not the decision to walk out. That, as you know is the easy part.
You could walk away with nothing more than the clothes on your back and build another life where the spath has no access to you.
There comes a time in life when you realize that you are not what you own, that’s stuff. And there is plenty more stuff in the world to replace it.
You are not your job. That is what you do and you can do it again or do something else.
Those things are easy. There are lots of ways to resolve them. And you can get lots of help to make the resolutions.
So what ties you to the drama?
WHen I was a child, one of my favorite stories was bout the horse. Black Beauty. Many years later they made a movies of the book I had loved so well.
In it was a chapter about how the barn the horses lived in caught fire. And they had to be blindfolded to be led out.
Because the animals knew they were safe in the barn and they were fed there. When the instinct to find safety in panic set in, their instinct was to run back to the barn.
Since (in the story) the building was on fire, it was not a safe choice.
But, like the horses in the story, we make choices based on that same inclination to stay where and do what we know to be familiar. It is a huge decision to strike out and change everything all at once.
And even making interim decisions to manage one thing (like no contact with a spath) can be stupefying when it rattles what we are familiar with.
Because what the spaths take from us besides money and stuff is our confidence. Our courage. They rob it first by isolating us and then, when we realize what they are and what we have been caught up with, the shame torments us in to thinking that it is all the same and we can not free ourselves from that misery either.
It is a horrible burden we are given in exchange for caring to begin with. And it is harder still to know where to lay that burden down. As though we have to find some special place to put it before we can be free.
So we carry it with us from home to work and back again. Into social gatherings. Out with us wherever we go and who ever we go with. We carry the weight of being responsible for being involved with these disordered who have used us and made us feel really bad about it when we discover what is true.
Its as though we’ve swallowed something as heavy and awkward as an anvil and then, unable to digest it tried to walk around like nothing is wrong.
When what is wrong is carrying that anvil around. Because when we feel threatened by the enormity of not having it in our lives, we are uncertain. We experience cognitive dissonance. We do something that doesn’t make sense. We try to own the anvil we have swallowed.
Somehow, just letting go of that anvil has an amazing effect.
Herman Hesse wrote something about how until you make your decision, nothing can be done, but once you do, then Providence moves with you.
Based on experience, I would say it is so. And until you let go of the anvil so that you can pick up your adamant with both hands and the full capacity of your mind, the ambivalence always leaves the door open for another drama.
Comforting because even though your adrenals are pumping, its what you know. Its familiar. Its drama.
I know. I lived through a lot of those dramas. And then an attorney who was very sane showed me how easy a restraining order is. And when I went in front of the judge. I didn’t have to explain much after the part about the threat to kill my dog.
And I realized, that there is a whole world of sanity out there. In it, some days are like a slow moving muddy river on a hot summer day. And on those, I find that it is very pleasant not to be carrying the anvil any more. On those days, when its exciting is because of something truly wonderful and beautiful
Something like noticing the first blossoms of spring. Which, before I might not have noticed in my hurry to run back into the familiar drama. Heart pounding, breathtaking crises tend to blur your ability to see detail and keep life moving fast… And there is always a story to tell about it. One is never bored. But how can you be when you are entertaining a spath who regards you with the same level of interest as a fly tied to string?
I am grateful for the sanity that the law enforcement and legal community showed me how to find. From the attorney, to the judges to the marshalls and the others they have opened that door and showed me that there are some places to put the anvil down and enjoy something entirely unfamiliar that today, I will fight even harder to keep than I was able, by myself to fight to gain.
There is nothing special about putting down the anvil or blindfolding yourself to the “barn on fire” so you won’t run back in there. And there are people who can and will help because like us, they know that what you are going through isn’t they way things have to be.
When you decide, Providence moves with you.
And we, will be right here.
Wow, it happened to me exactly like this!!!
The guy was living with me, got engaged to me, planned a child with me (was his idea, i was on the pill), and when i got pregnant he wanted to get rid of me, but in a way i wouldnt suspect him, so he continued lying and having a double life.
During this time he had a wife with another child, lived with her as well and maintained a house with her the way he did with me..
He succeeded this by lying to both of us about his job- he told her he had to work during the night while he was with me and to me that he has to work during the day….
the truth is he never worked a day in his life, the bank account we used (i never saw her name on it) was their mutual account and he was stealing small cash from her and telling me he worked for the landlords for small cash because they didnt pay him for the job!!!
while both of us (his women) were starving to death, me pregnant and her saving from diapers to her child, he was going and gambling in casinos….
I survived, that’s the way they do it all right! What a horror for both of you! I’m glad you are free of him! I’m assuming you get no child support from him. Does he demand to see the baby?
Well, good luck to you and your “sister wife” that you didn’t know about each other.
OxD, Silvermoon, Donna, Skylar, BBE, and everyone else – THANK YOU SO MUCH for responding to these combined cries for sense! The explanation of cognitive dissonance was extraordinarily helpful to me, and the sharing that others who have loads of healing time under their belts experienced the same danged thing.
I had my mini-meltdow and took OxD’s advice to look at beater vehicles – no luck as I don’t make enoug per month. That was yesterday. This is Today. I’m going to approach some people to see if I can’t borrow this money to get me through this divorce.
I would like some feedback about attorneys in these matters. There are no children involved. He lived a double life that was maintained before we married and throughout the relationship. He also drained my private assets and I won’t go into details about that simply because I believe that he’s been visiting this site. I ask my attorney to provide an answer that I can give the bank about the vehicle, and I’m met with silence since last week. NO response and no reassurances from her.
Anyone else have these types of experiences with their attorneys?
Once again, THANK YOU ALL for the boost of confidence and Towanda. I AM GOING TO MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN if my attorney won’t. Sheeeeeesh, for all of the money that they earn, you’d think that they’d actually WORK for it.
🙂
Isurvived, LPMarie, et al…..one thing that I can say with absolute certainty is that spaths follow a distinct pattern of behaviors, even if each situation is different from the next.
When I began reading back some of the older articles and the responses and replies, I could clearly see that there are specific behaviors that are almost always conducted in the same pattern from one spath to the next. The METHODS and details may be quite different, but the patterns are almost always identical.
My mutual love and encouragement goes out to those of you who are struggling, right now., especially those who are struggling with NO CONTACT. No matter what we want to make ourselves believe in order to cope with the pain a bit easier, they do not – do not – DO NOT “feel” anything for us other than ownership. We have no more meaning to them than a disposable lighter and this rings true with the offspring that they produce. In the World Of Spathy, there is ruler and one citizen, and they are both one and the same Sociopath.
Brightest healing blessings.
No they feel nothing, you are simply an umbilical cord. They have no feeling for their children and exploit them as well if they can, bringing them in as accomplices in their fraudulent schemes if they can and controlling them too if they can.