Recently, a reporter was inquiring about people who live double lives. Why do they do it? Can they maintain double lives for a long time? What are the dangers?
Like most of us at Lovefraud, I have some experience with this. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, cheated with at least six different women during our 2.5-year marriage. He had a child with one of the women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of the child, which was the second time he committed bigamy. And of course, he took a quarter-million dollars from me—spending much of the money entertaining these other women.
Not everyone who lives a double life is a sociopath. Some people, like spies and undercover cops, are doing their jobs. But for all those people who don’t have a legitimate reason for creating an alternate existence—why do they do it?
Exploitation
Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people simultaneously.
This is especially true of the parasites that sponge off of their romantic partners. I’ve heard of many, many cases in which sociopaths, both male and female, are involved with two, three or even more romantic relationships at once, and taking from all of their partners—money, sex, cars, entertainment, whatever. Essentially the sociopaths are looking for supply, and the more sources of supply they have, the better.
Promiscuity
Another reason for double lives is the promiscuity of sociopaths. Most sociopaths have a high appetite for sex, amazing stamina, and get bored easily. Consequently, what they really want in their sex lives is variety. So they hook up with a variety of people, in a variety of places, and engage in a variety of sex acts.
Often, however, the sociopaths’ sexual partners do not share these wide-ranging proclivities. But the sociopaths don’t bother to tell the truth about what they’re doing. The sociopaths simply pursue their sexual agendas with multiple people, but keep everyone separate. Sometimes this involves elaborate ruses and manipulation.
Thrill of the game
This leads to another point—many sociopaths simply love the game. They love getting over on people—one expert called this “duping delight.”
For example, one night shortly after we were engaged, my ex-husband came to visit me. He was driving a strange car. When I asked him whose car it was, he told me an elaborate story about it belonging to a military buddy. The truth was that he had another woman staying with him for a week, and he drove her car to my house. I don’t know what reason he gave her for taking her car, but whatever it was, it was unnecessary. He could have driven his own car. I believe Montgomery just wanted to take her car to visit me for the thrill of getting over on both of us.
I’ve heard of other cases like this. A woman brought one man that she was dating to a trade association dinner in which another man she was dating was being presented with an award. Why? For the fun of seeing one guy squirm, and the other guy clueless.
Mask of normalcy
Finally, some sociopaths hold a job, have a family, maintain a house and go to church to provide cover for their true pursuits—sex, drugs, crime and perhaps even murder. This is how some famous serial killers operated, such as Dennis Lynn Rader, the BTK killer. He worked, was a church deacon, and killed 10 people. His wife of 34 years never knew of his desire to “bind, torture and kill.”
Even when they aren’t killers, many sociopaths establish “normal” lives to make it easier to pursue their exploitative interests. Some sociopaths are also extremely concerned about their image. They want to keep their places in society, and having a spouse, family, job and a hot car all contribute to their status.
In answer to one of the questions at the beginning of this article, many sociopaths can, indeed, maintain the double lives for many, many years. I’ve heard from plenty of women who were married 10, 20, 25 years—and then were shocked to discover what their husbands were doing throughout their entire marriage.
Dangers of the double lives
Yes, I suppose some sociopaths face danger because of their double lives—but honestly, I’m not overly concerned about them.
But the dangers to unknowing partners are serious. Sociopaths bleed their partners of money to fund their extracurricular activities. As I reported in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, 20 percent of Lovefraud survey respondents said that their sociopathic partners infected them with sexually transmitted diseases. In this blog, I’ve reported at least two cases of men who were convicted of knowingly transmitting HIV to unknowing sex partners.
But even when partners aren’t physically harmed by the double lives of sociopaths, the psychological damage of betrayal is profound. Discovery of the truth leads to two kinds of shock: The shock at the callous actions of the sociopath, and the personal shock that the partner was totally in the dark.
Recovery, for the targets, can be long and difficult. In the meantime, the sociopaths simply move on to another life.
Libra, we do get addicted. Know that you do not need him. It’s your addition that’s crying for attention so you can recognize what is triggering it. Once you know what it is and what triggers it, you can work on resolving it, keeping it at bay, and not letting it control you.
A suggestion. Read “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. He is against changing one’s phone number if one can afford not to do so. Instead, he suggests that you get a second line, keep that under the tighest of wraps so only people you trust have it, and let him continue to call the number that he has now. You “gray rock” his calls. He thinks he still has access to you, which he does except the access is now under your terms, not his.
Gavin de Becker has his own website. I found his suggestions very helpful and he seems to have better success at handling this sort of thing than what I’ve read elsewhere.
Getting back to the double-life, my P sister’s double-life is how successful she appears to be on the surface. She has had a job paying six figures for decades. She hasn’t stolen directly from somebody else meaning she hasn’t conned money from anyone. She’s smart and has her MBA. She also managed to inherit a sum of money, which was due my S mother’s manipulations, not hers.
Her custom-built-for-her McMansion was paid off before she moved in. She’s got “reasonable” moderately-expensive cars, paid off, nothing extreme or fancy, which only go to show that this is not a silly woman. Obviously, one can trust her reasoning.
She can spin the most convincing story, especially because she drips money and jewelry. She sighs over what she’s had to put up with and endure (SAY WHAT???) She uses the differences in economic situations constantly as proof of her superior take on things.
People don’t know what she is capable of. Some suspect, some are not surprised, but those who do not know her well, they just go by the outer trappings.
She is truly Michiavellian in nature. It’s all about her jealousy over people having anything that she doesn’t have. Money cannot buy good parenting, love, talent, gentleness, kindness, innate physical beauty, or genuine respect.
It’s about her sense of entitlement. It is less about going to any length to add to her treasures, she has proven that she can accomplish that on her own, and much more about destroying the good that others have so by comparison she appears that much better.
That’s even carried over into her marriages. She’s on her third husband, the brother of her first ex-husband. The first brother couldn’t handle her anymore and found another woman. She went after his brother so the world could see that their family of origin likes and wants her. The last I knew, the first brother was living happily in a no contact situation.
People are dazzled by what she owns and her fastspun logic. She’s even funny and humorous in her presentations.
It’s when you take a hard look or listen carefully that you realize that the facts don’t support what she’s claiming; or when you go searching for the things that people truly value, like friends or a family who wants to be with her, that you realize what isn’t in her life.
SO true. As soon as you love them the abuse starts. And if you keep loving them as they misbehave and abuse you they always up the ante.
They live by the strongest unacknowledged self-fullfilling prophecy I have ever witnessed: You will abandon me. Then they abuse you to the point where you have to get away from them.
Slimone,
Yep!
My spath even said, “I didn’t want to grow up because then you get a wife and she leaves you, then you’re alone.”
WTF?
How could someone be SO disordered and I missed all the clues?
Skylar;
Mine said on a online profile something like “I have given up the grown-up world to travel the world working for an airline.”
I second your WTF, since he was in his early 30s when he started his new “profession.”
My ex was always living multiple lives. I dont think there was every a time in 6 1/2 years that he wasnt seeing at least 1 other woman. For a time I believed the first 6 months he was just with me but then I eventually put 2 n 2 together and remembered a phone call from a woman asking for a John her name was cheyene or shanon turns out she was married and her husband divorced her over her affair with my ex and he caught them right at the time he and i were dating. Then at the end I knew he was having an affair with a married woman as her husband and I had both caught them. But boy was i surprised when I realized she was most likely a decoy from the other woman he was having an affair with and ended up dating after our break up. This woman was fooled as well, she is involved in politics locally and is an advocate for abused women. I imagine now that she has dumped my ex she realizes she was not only duped but she Helped him continue to abuse my son, daughter and I. Im sure she feels bad but I just cant bring myself to feel sorry for her because she is supposedly a trained abuse counselor and should have recognized the signs of my abuse before I did and instead she assisted in helping him use the legal system to make false police reports against me. They went so far as to file a police report that I had burgled her house which she should have known was rather stupid since i had only met her once and didnt know anything about her or where she lived. She should have recognized the signs of him ostracizing me from everyone. His constant claims that I was unstable yet when i did participate publicly with him i was friendly, talkative, polite wanting to arrange more get togethers etc. Im sure now that hes done similar stuff to her and she discovered his cheating and sexual obsession she realizes her mistake and I hope it helps her help others in the future. But as far as Im concerned as a female community leader, abuse advocate and counselor she Never Once attempted to find out anything about me and whether or not his claims/lies were true. I feel it was with in her duty to make sure before she joined her voice with his publicly and helping him get my son and I shunned publicly and I think she would not have been voted President or our counties Womens Democratic Party had people known her involvement in damn near destroying our lives. Good think im a Republican..LOL. Anyway this is how good these people can be, they can even fool trained professionals so dont feel bad that you have been duped by one of these people. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn the lesson and be that ONE Person that reaches out to someone else that ends up in the position all of us did if you ever have the chance. You will thank yourself later 🙂 Stay Strong and No Contact!
Skylar and Darwin,
I laughed out loud at the mask part. That is really what happened and your words cheered me up. I needed it since I am about to go into an interview for a position I’ve been waiting for. 🙂
Of course, I get a text from the spath now saying,”Hey drunkster i found out about sum classes u shld really take it will help get ur life on track it helps build ur self esteem its called purifying my poison i sighned u up”
I literally just copied and pasted that. To me that just made him look even more stupid and is not getting a response.
He is making it a lot easier for me thank god.
I hope you all know how much I appreciate this blog and your posts. When the days get rough it helps to know you are not alone and people made it through.
Ox Drover, I will defintely keep in touch with the LF community. I have come here to rant, rave, seek advice, and be comforted. And you have all let me do just that. So, when life is much improved (and it already is, going on 8 months of NC), I want to come back and report on that, as well as be able to cheerlead the new folks who need to know it gets better, the same way you all have been doing for me! (((HUGS!!!)))
MiLo, what a lovely post to read today.
“Now you know why I am so impressed by you. You are the daughter I wish I had. You are the mother I hoped and prayed my daugher would be. You and all the other mommies on here that are doing what is right and good for their children have my admiration.”
My life never felt like there was a purpose to it until I had my daughter. And like you, I would do anything to give her a good life 🙂 (((HUGS!!!))) I like to give big hugs 🙂
slimone says:
“SO true. As soon as you love them the abuse starts…”
Or at the very least start to show any real intimacy towards them. Why? Subconsciously, they know they are a fake. Thus, when you say something like “I am really starting to like you…” or even prepare an intimate, cozy dinner, they react negatively.
However, keep it purely physical and they will come back for more.
I am NC as well, for the umpteenth time but this time the LAST time… I had experienced him beofre as a user, liar and cheater, but not yet as a STEALER.
He is so cheap and could not stand the fact that increasinlgy I was now not letting him milk me for dinners and activities, but increasinlgy asking him to pay his way, and take me out etc…and began feeling he wasn’t getting any “supply” from me anymore. Hi solution: he stole some jewelry from me, in order to pay himself back…and then abandoned me…classic, right?
Appalling, of course, and even if I confronted him with it, he lied through his teeth without flinching, denying it was him….even volunteered taking a lie detector test (grandstanding). I know it’s him as he is the only person to have been in my house. Not only the theft but they like to toy with you, and he recently got into hiding some of my things…and then putting them back in place a few days later…it’s all part of the CRAZY-MAKING.
No more…this was the final straw on the camel’s back…I am done, and now the price tag was not only emotional, as it had only been for years for me…I have now “paid” for the sociopathic experience with family heirlooms. Sad that it had to get to that…but perhaps that’s what it took to finally cut the chain for good, as I am so very upset. Nothing will ever allow my self-esteem to ever take him back in after this.
Very true and something that I can relate to.
For years I have watched my younger sister lie, manipulate and con others emotionally. As a young child she always craved being the centre of attention. When caught in acts clearly guilty of herself she would twist stories, take excerpts and use for her own personal gain whilst the whole time blaming everyone else for the very acts she was guilty of herself.
She was always living a double life and still does.
Throughout her teenage years would be very promiscuous, when caught cheating on boyfriends would blame them.
Now she is married and has cheated on her husband at least 8 times, all the time saying that she had to go through with it as the other party forced her to.
I became wise to her actions and no longer have a relationship with her. Her sole aim now is to try and destroy existing family relationships whilst still lying and manipulating people.
For a long time I thought I was the one in the wrong and trusted her only to realise I was also being manipulated. Other friends have come forward experiencing the same treatment and are completely bewildered at her lack of remorse, even when she puts on a good act and cries at the drop of a hat.
It is good to know that I am not the only person who has experienced this damaging and destructive behaviour.