Recently, a reporter was inquiring about people who live double lives. Why do they do it? Can they maintain double lives for a long time? What are the dangers?
Like most of us at Lovefraud, I have some experience with this. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, cheated with at least six different women during our 2.5-year marriage. He had a child with one of the women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of the child, which was the second time he committed bigamy. And of course, he took a quarter-million dollars from me—spending much of the money entertaining these other women.
Not everyone who lives a double life is a sociopath. Some people, like spies and undercover cops, are doing their jobs. But for all those people who don’t have a legitimate reason for creating an alternate existence—why do they do it?
Exploitation
Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people simultaneously.
This is especially true of the parasites that sponge off of their romantic partners. I’ve heard of many, many cases in which sociopaths, both male and female, are involved with two, three or even more romantic relationships at once, and taking from all of their partners—money, sex, cars, entertainment, whatever. Essentially the sociopaths are looking for supply, and the more sources of supply they have, the better.
Promiscuity
Another reason for double lives is the promiscuity of sociopaths. Most sociopaths have a high appetite for sex, amazing stamina, and get bored easily. Consequently, what they really want in their sex lives is variety. So they hook up with a variety of people, in a variety of places, and engage in a variety of sex acts.
Often, however, the sociopaths’ sexual partners do not share these wide-ranging proclivities. But the sociopaths don’t bother to tell the truth about what they’re doing. The sociopaths simply pursue their sexual agendas with multiple people, but keep everyone separate. Sometimes this involves elaborate ruses and manipulation.
Thrill of the game
This leads to another point—many sociopaths simply love the game. They love getting over on people—one expert called this “duping delight.”
For example, one night shortly after we were engaged, my ex-husband came to visit me. He was driving a strange car. When I asked him whose car it was, he told me an elaborate story about it belonging to a military buddy. The truth was that he had another woman staying with him for a week, and he drove her car to my house. I don’t know what reason he gave her for taking her car, but whatever it was, it was unnecessary. He could have driven his own car. I believe Montgomery just wanted to take her car to visit me for the thrill of getting over on both of us.
I’ve heard of other cases like this. A woman brought one man that she was dating to a trade association dinner in which another man she was dating was being presented with an award. Why? For the fun of seeing one guy squirm, and the other guy clueless.
Mask of normalcy
Finally, some sociopaths hold a job, have a family, maintain a house and go to church to provide cover for their true pursuits—sex, drugs, crime and perhaps even murder. This is how some famous serial killers operated, such as Dennis Lynn Rader, the BTK killer. He worked, was a church deacon, and killed 10 people. His wife of 34 years never knew of his desire to “bind, torture and kill.”
Even when they aren’t killers, many sociopaths establish “normal” lives to make it easier to pursue their exploitative interests. Some sociopaths are also extremely concerned about their image. They want to keep their places in society, and having a spouse, family, job and a hot car all contribute to their status.
In answer to one of the questions at the beginning of this article, many sociopaths can, indeed, maintain the double lives for many, many years. I’ve heard from plenty of women who were married 10, 20, 25 years—and then were shocked to discover what their husbands were doing throughout their entire marriage.
Dangers of the double lives
Yes, I suppose some sociopaths face danger because of their double lives—but honestly, I’m not overly concerned about them.
But the dangers to unknowing partners are serious. Sociopaths bleed their partners of money to fund their extracurricular activities. As I reported in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, 20 percent of Lovefraud survey respondents said that their sociopathic partners infected them with sexually transmitted diseases. In this blog, I’ve reported at least two cases of men who were convicted of knowingly transmitting HIV to unknowing sex partners.
But even when partners aren’t physically harmed by the double lives of sociopaths, the psychological damage of betrayal is profound. Discovery of the truth leads to two kinds of shock: The shock at the callous actions of the sociopath, and the personal shock that the partner was totally in the dark.
Recovery, for the targets, can be long and difficult. In the meantime, the sociopaths simply move on to another life.
“Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people simultaneously.”
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Thank you, Donna, for this post.
Everything you said could have been MY relationship except for the ‘money’ part – he never took me for money but I have found out in the years I have ‘known’ him, that he has THREE different identities and two other wives now – the third just recently divorced him and took everything HE had. Right down to his socks and underwear!!! Imagine that. He has her tied up in legal proceedings at the moment, trying to get everything SHE HAD prior to the marriage.
Multiple ‘romantic interests’; conning; stealing from others; all of it was there. After ten years of believing a LIAR and a MANIPULATOR and always coming to his ‘aid’ and ‘defense’, suddenly all the cards were turned on me. I have been through just horrid things in the past ten years. BELIEVING A LIAR and someone who is a psychopath. I have been threatened with my life, subjected to things that nobody would believe.
Just about a year ago, I came to terms with this situation and I went NC last May and was NC for 9 months and BROKE IT to see if anything had changed about this person. Nothing changed; in fact, “IT” has only gotten WORSE, if you can believe that. FORTUNATELY, the ‘reunion’ was only through text messaging, so I didn’t have to deal with it live, up close and personal. He has been almost 1,000 miles away from me and I could still hear, taste, smell and feel that deceit and manipulation, right through the computer!!!
Yes to the cog dis – our minds are playing tricks on us!
We remember the nice things and forget the ugly. It’s how we are built….
Well, after breaking NC that lasted 9 months, I went back and we spoke, from afar, over text messaging and the facade still very much exists. I have gone NC again for something like the FIFTH TIME. (How many times will it take for me to get it right!? RIGHT?!!!)
I am finished with this ‘roadshow’ now and that is truly what it is. There is NOTHING NICE about this person. All the things I THOUGHT were ‘nice’, really are only more facades to manipulate and to ‘play’….
Multiple sex partners; multiple victims; so much so that law enforcement is now on to him! He is being watched and has been told that he is in A LOT of trouble. YAY! Someone has finally seen it!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has been busy spreading his ‘DISEASE’ amongst the unsuspecting…
I can’t save the world but I CAN and I WILL save MYSELF!
I am in counseling continuously from the damage this has all done to my life. But, I am coming a long very well. I AM sorry I broke NC only to have to start all over again, but well, this fifth time is a ‘charm’…I am more aware and educated and after having become more aware and educated, I can look back and see every “RED FLAG” that exists…every single one of them.
No, I do not want this for my life and while I can’t change “IT”, I CAN and DO intend to CHANGE MYSELF. I have been NC, this FIFTH TIME, for going on a couple weeks now and trust me: IT IS HEAVEN not having to deal with the load.
THIS is where all this stops. Right here and right now. There will be no more.
There are just people in life that are narcissistic and ugly and out for themselves and we need to learn the “red flags” like Donna has said and remember them and move on. There ARE people in the world who would love and care about us and APPRECIATE our kindnesses. We don’t need to subject ourselves to this ugliness.
Thank you Donna for always seeming to come up with information pertinent. You are a BLESSING to so many…
Dupey
Ugh,
Bad evening for me today… His sister-cousin chatted to me tonight over gmail. First it was all innocent, but then the cat came out of the bag; she needed to ask me something. His mother had found something on google about him, something I must have posted about him, and was heartbroken over it. She found the post I made about him on playersblock last year. But the sister seemed to think it was a recent one. Anyhow, I told her that yes I once posted a profile on him to warn other women, and I certainly don’t feel bad about having put a warning about him on a site like that. What I posted is the HARSH TRUTH.
I don’t wish ill on his family, his mother… I don’t want to hurt them, and I recognize how a post from his ex-victim about him must hurt them. But ultimately, it’s him who’s hurting them. He’s the one wrecking people’s lives, including theirs, saddling them with the responsibilities of his lifestyle… his son being the biggest one. Unfortunately for them, they’re bound to him with malignant hope for the rest of their lives. The sole family member who knew what he was, his father, is dead. I’m the lucky one: no child with him, not married, and he’s far removed from me.
His sister-cousin told me she always reckoned me to be mature…. I guess she implied that she thinks it was childish of me, that I did it out of malice, spite and revenge, immature…
It came from an ice cold angry place, for sure. But the anger was deserved, and not out of proportion to all the bad he did. It’s the truth. It still is the truth. Had I not posted it, it would still be the truth. It wan’t revenge, it wasn’t malice that made me post it. Exactly because other victims never relayed info to me until it was much too late, I felt that there ought to be some internet profile to this globetrooting spath for new victims to come across.
And I hate the fact that this has been pryeing my mind all evening…….GRRRRRRRRR
darwinsmom: I can completely relate to you.
Do not feel ‘guilty’ about expressing yourself. You did the right thing for YOU at the time and you still ARE by being NC with “IT”. Yes, you ARE the lucky one: no children; never married to it and far removed. Just like “I” am fortunate to not have “IT” anywhere near me. And it won’t be, not ever again.
Do NOT pay attention to what these other people are saying.
They DO and ARE hanging onto that ‘malignant hope’. I think everyone of us has had that, at one point or another, and that’s why we ‘hang in there’ and ‘don’t give up’. WITH NORMAL PEOPLE, that is an excellent trait for us to have – but with people such as this, it is a malignant tumor that grows within us a little at a time until it consumes us.
YOU ARE mature – don’t you listen to what they are saying.
PREYING on your mind – that’s one of those ‘slow release time bombs’…put it out of your mind and stand on “WHO” you are and your value and worth.
That ‘ice cold, angry place’…it’s okay to HATE them.
Goodness knows they deserve every ounce of it, just don’t let them destroy you in the process.
Blessings of peace,
Dupey
They love law suits. Make sure what you wrote was based in fact and that it isn’t something he can sue you about.
I wrote in general that he cheated, he stole, he lied…
Where is he gonna file it? In Nicaragua? In the UK? In Costa Rica? In Belgium? He ain’t a resident in Belgium, and I’m not a resident in any other of those countries. So good luck on that for him.
Thanks Dupey… that’s why I wrote the post above… just writing it down was the affirmation of it for me. I don’t feel bad about the confrontation of early this evening anymore now. Would it be something I’d do again and again about him? Nope.. I’ve got better stuff to do in my life and my head than post a profile about him on every warning site available on the internet. What got me was the empathy and sympathy I feel for his mother and his sister-cousin. If the mother even knew how bad he talks about her to people she’d be even more shocked… he painted her as an unfit mother and whore to me when I started to date him. By all other victim witness accounts who knew her better than I did, she is nothing of the sort… and actually believes the worst of him of the whole family, perhaps even more so than his father did (and he knew). He definitely wanted to compartmentalize us though, and the immediate reason for that would have been that the Nicaraguan girl he had impregnated a couple of months before I met him was living at her home, and afterwards that his son lived and was raised by his mother… a son I knew nothing about until a year almost after he was born.
I was married to a cop who lived a double life. He was married to me and living with another women. I have since divorced him. He married this other women. I know he is in it for the money. Her family is well off. I do believe they get a charge out of being decietful. It gives them the ultimate high knowing they are getting away with something. I would not be surprised if this girl and I were both at the same events and he was feeding off of it. Just another reason to thank God for divorce!!!!!!
darwinsmom: right….good luck to that loser filing anything against you for your truthfulness!
Since I wrote my last post to you, I am and have been being stalked by telephone now. Even though I have screening on my phone and the “IT” and all ‘minions’ blocked, they just go to a different phone and call….
THAT/THIS is going to come to an end real quick; trust me!
I am not going to tolerate it. And, no, there is no way I am going to change my number. Everyone in my life has this phone number.
You see, that is how “IT” has sucked me back in, over and over, breaking NC: the threats, etc., I somehow have thought that if I speak with “IT”, I have a little ‘handle’ on what is happening….that was a trick: ‘threaten’ a little, ‘be nice’ a little, then pour on the ugliness…when I have had enough of it, I tell “IT” to go away and leave me alone and it doesn’t matter to “IT”. It just keeps on keeping on….
I can promise THIS MUCH: law enforcement is ‘on to’ “IT”. From the big guys all the way on down through local levels. And it’s not just in MY AREA – he has a whole bunch of people, in different parts of the country, truly wanting to put him away somewhere. I know it will happen sooner or later and I will provide all information I can when the authorities approach me. I will.
In the meantime, I am concentrating on my life and myself and this garbage can go right in the trash where it belongs.
THAT is how I kept getting sucked back in…I see that now. It’s really kind of strange how sooner or later, we build up a different line of thinking in all this. And, I sure do have one now!
Just keep safe everyone and keep them away from you. I am fortunate that where I live, I have COMPLETE back up from the local authorities, over “IT”…and gaining momentum. “IT” is a very dangerous and violent person…
The best vengeance is to live your life well.
Dupey
I unsubscribed from a website that is supposed to connect you to lost relatives, etc. Yet, I can’t get this site to stop sending me emails. I had initially signed up with this website when I was Google searching my mother’s name. This website had a profile for my mother. I was curious to see what info they had on my mother. So I signed up for free membership. My mother died in 1987 and her age would be the stated age (in profile) if she had lived.
I notified the website that she is deceased and take her name off site. Yet they keep sending me emails stating this is someone I may want to contact.
That website reminds me of an abusive relationship. They apparently search the death records to get names. They exploit the dead and exploit the loved ones!
It is free to join but costs money to contact anyone.
Say if I didn’t know a person was dead and I attempt to contact them at this site assuming they are alive. I would have to pay money and sit and wait for a email response from someone who is dead. I could continue to pay monthly membership fees thinking this person just doesn’t get on computer much.
I think it is cyber space grave robbery.
That site reminds me of a sociopath who sees a weakness and profits off it.
I just got another email from them to contact my mother and my anger is going over the top. I clicked the spam button. I think a government agency needs to be notified about this. I just don’t know who to call.
My ex-spath spent a lot of our joint money on his other women. When I married him he told me we had to work extra hard to pay off his bills so we could get on with our married life. He had me helping him out financially while he took the extra we had left over taking out his other women.
I didn’t know it then but I was his enabler.
He even stayed long enough in the marriage to buy his next wife an engagement ring at my expense believing it was another bill we had to pay off. What a dope I was. Incredibly naive. I just believed him and took him at his word.
He’s buying the rich girl a $5,000 ring at my expense and I was so gullible I didn’t even know what was going on. I really hope karma bites him in the butt good for taking advantage of my naivety.
I have a feeling it will. You can’t play with people’s souls and win. Not for the long term. What goes around comes around.
This is why young people have to be educated about psychopathy.
To Joanie123,
They are so slick. It is easy for me to say don’t blame yourself. Cause I still feel stupid and used and wanting justice.
As I’m posting this to you I am attempting to find a way to post a comment about the judge who denied my restraining order. Here it is a year and a half later and I still feel so damaged by the way that judge ripped me apart when I was just trying to stop a bully from bullying me. I feel victimized much worse cause I may depend on the court system for whatever reason and to think that I will have to face this judge again? He is the only judge out here.
The spath tells such a good story that he can get you to believe his lies. The court will believe his lies. People who see through his lies will keep quiet cause they figure it’s none of their business. The only people who will speak up are the people who tell you what to do. Sister, cousin, friend…and they come off as over-bearing about it to the point where you stop telling your business.