Recently, a reporter was inquiring about people who live double lives. Why do they do it? Can they maintain double lives for a long time? What are the dangers?
Like most of us at Lovefraud, I have some experience with this. My ex-husband, James Montgomery, cheated with at least six different women during our 2.5-year marriage. He had a child with one of the women. Ten days after I left him, he married the mother of the child, which was the second time he committed bigamy. And of course, he took a quarter-million dollars from me—spending much of the money entertaining these other women.
Not everyone who lives a double life is a sociopath. Some people, like spies and undercover cops, are doing their jobs. But for all those people who don’t have a legitimate reason for creating an alternate existence—why do they do it?
Exploitation
Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people simultaneously.
This is especially true of the parasites that sponge off of their romantic partners. I’ve heard of many, many cases in which sociopaths, both male and female, are involved with two, three or even more romantic relationships at once, and taking from all of their partners—money, sex, cars, entertainment, whatever. Essentially the sociopaths are looking for supply, and the more sources of supply they have, the better.
Promiscuity
Another reason for double lives is the promiscuity of sociopaths. Most sociopaths have a high appetite for sex, amazing stamina, and get bored easily. Consequently, what they really want in their sex lives is variety. So they hook up with a variety of people, in a variety of places, and engage in a variety of sex acts.
Often, however, the sociopaths’ sexual partners do not share these wide-ranging proclivities. But the sociopaths don’t bother to tell the truth about what they’re doing. The sociopaths simply pursue their sexual agendas with multiple people, but keep everyone separate. Sometimes this involves elaborate ruses and manipulation.
Thrill of the game
This leads to another point—many sociopaths simply love the game. They love getting over on people—one expert called this “duping delight.”
For example, one night shortly after we were engaged, my ex-husband came to visit me. He was driving a strange car. When I asked him whose car it was, he told me an elaborate story about it belonging to a military buddy. The truth was that he had another woman staying with him for a week, and he drove her car to my house. I don’t know what reason he gave her for taking her car, but whatever it was, it was unnecessary. He could have driven his own car. I believe Montgomery just wanted to take her car to visit me for the thrill of getting over on both of us.
I’ve heard of other cases like this. A woman brought one man that she was dating to a trade association dinner in which another man she was dating was being presented with an award. Why? For the fun of seeing one guy squirm, and the other guy clueless.
Mask of normalcy
Finally, some sociopaths hold a job, have a family, maintain a house and go to church to provide cover for their true pursuits—sex, drugs, crime and perhaps even murder. This is how some famous serial killers operated, such as Dennis Lynn Rader, the BTK killer. He worked, was a church deacon, and killed 10 people. His wife of 34 years never knew of his desire to “bind, torture and kill.”
Even when they aren’t killers, many sociopaths establish “normal” lives to make it easier to pursue their exploitative interests. Some sociopaths are also extremely concerned about their image. They want to keep their places in society, and having a spouse, family, job and a hot car all contribute to their status.
In answer to one of the questions at the beginning of this article, many sociopaths can, indeed, maintain the double lives for many, many years. I’ve heard from plenty of women who were married 10, 20, 25 years—and then were shocked to discover what their husbands were doing throughout their entire marriage.
Dangers of the double lives
Yes, I suppose some sociopaths face danger because of their double lives—but honestly, I’m not overly concerned about them.
But the dangers to unknowing partners are serious. Sociopaths bleed their partners of money to fund their extracurricular activities. As I reported in my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, 20 percent of Lovefraud survey respondents said that their sociopathic partners infected them with sexually transmitted diseases. In this blog, I’ve reported at least two cases of men who were convicted of knowingly transmitting HIV to unknowing sex partners.
But even when partners aren’t physically harmed by the double lives of sociopaths, the psychological damage of betrayal is profound. Discovery of the truth leads to two kinds of shock: The shock at the callous actions of the sociopath, and the personal shock that the partner was totally in the dark.
Recovery, for the targets, can be long and difficult. In the meantime, the sociopaths simply move on to another life.
behind_blue_eyes
Hurt95;
Look at this topic too: http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/03/16/letter-to-lovefraud-she-was-deceiving-both-of-us-and-living-a-double-life/
hurt95
G1S,
I’ve asked myself that question a thousand times. Honestly, we have been close in a platonic way with the “undertone” of romantic feelings from time to time. I think I’m thrown by his behavior because he has never blown me off like this before. This is the guy that would email almost every day and if he didn’t hear from me for several days, would call or write to ask if I was okay.. kind of like a big brother. I have read that people can be depressed after surgery and even feel a personality change.. but he is acting like a different person. He has a girlfriend and I have acknowledged that relationship, so it’s not like I am waiting to get back with him. Guess it boils down to the pain of rejection from a close friend… if that makes sense!
Ox Drover
Hurt, be glad he has blown you off….why in the world would anyone want any kind of relationship with a psychopath or narcissist? “He’s a nice guy when he’s not cheating on his wife” DUH???
What kind of a friend is a DISHONEST man? BTW if he will cheat on her, he will cheat on you….and you might ask yourself why you are or were cheating on your own husband.
hurt95
Behind Blue, thanks for that link. Interesting story!
Ox – “why in the world would anyone want any kind o f relationship with a psychopath or narcissist?” Guess that is the theme of this blog, isn’t it.. that we know in theory it’s not healthy but stay in it just the same. You’re right, I have to let go of it now. I suspect he is toying with my head for some sick kind of thrill.
hurt95
What I should have said in the first post was that his message blowing me off was in stark contradiction to a message sent just a few days earlier, saying that he loved and cared for me and always would.. and that some of his depression was over losing what we had. Just WORDS, to be sure, but the message sounded so heartfelt when I read it. I always get sucked back in by his charm. That’s why his about-face surprised and angered me.. and it seems only something a narcissist or sociopath could do because they have no true conscience.
Louise
hurt95:
I have a different take on this. I have basically written almost exactly what he wrote to you to some of my friends. It is depression. I have told girlfriends the same thing only in different words…I just don’t have the energy to write at the moment…I can’t deal with all the emotional issues, etc. That was my gut instinct instantly when I read your post. I don’t think it’s you and my gut tells me he is not playing with you. Sounds like he is depressed to me. Just leave him alone for a bit and then check back in with him to see how he is doing. That’s all you can really do.
Ox Drover
Louise, she “discovered he was seeing others” (at the time he was cheating on his wife with Hurt as well) so this guy is not someone that is trustworthy….depressed? So farking what? This guy is not someone any healthy person would want on a platter, baked, with an apple in his mouth. He is a lying cheat…so so what if he’s depressed?
Quote Hurt: manages to hurt women that care about him
She needs this guy like another hole in her head. YOU may have done or said some things in your depression, but that doesn’t mean that others are like YOU in this aspect.
behind_blue_eyes
Louise;
Sociopaths are not immune from depression. Mine admitted to being on antidepressants “a couple of times…” In addition, there is some evidence he might be bipolar as well.
TB, his confessions regarding depression, while true, are probably part of the pity play. It worked on me.
hurt95
Louise,
Thank you.. he does have a history of depression and I have not ruled that out entirely. What really hurt was the anniversary of our meeting came and went with hardly an acknowledgement by him. I know depression is an after effect of some medications and surgery. All that said, He is a complicated person. If I listed all the things he has done that hurt me (and others), one would say HOW CAN YOU STILL BE IN CONTACT WITH HIM? Guess it’s because I blocked out the bad and looked at all the good I saw, and we had such a good time together most of the time. It’s so hard when you don’t SEE a person very often and communicate mostly by email or phone.
hurt95
Thanks for the feedback.. Depression or not, the pity play is entirely possible. I felt incensed that he could not step out of his world for one minute to consider how I might be feeling.. nor did he pick up the phone just to chat for a few. It really angered and hurt me after so much time.
Ah, but as Ox says, he is not trustworthy so how can we as non-spats really know what is going on inside such a mind? It all remains a mystery, never to be solved.