Aren’t you getting sick of hearing about all these politicians and other powerful people who can’t control themselves? Are you wondering if they are all just sociopaths? Are all sex addicts also sociopaths?
In the wake of my own dismay at the sheer number of sex crazed politicians, I wanted to share some thoughts with you.
First of all, one of the psychopathy researchers I respect the most is Dr. Grant Harris. He has written a seminal paper COERCIVE AND PRECOCIOUS SEXUALITY AS A FUNDAMENTAL ASPECT OF PSYCHOPATHY He says that promiscuous, coercive and precocious sex is central to the psychopathy syndrome. However, if you look at the statistics on the PCL-R the most studied method of assessing psychopathy, the two items related to sex have the lowest item correlations with the total score and do not even seem to be related strongly to Factor 2 of that test which is a measure of impulsivity. So there doesn’t seem to be a particularly strong relationship between psychopathy and sex addiction. By that I mean not every sociopath/psychopath is obviously a sex addict.
In his book The Mask of Sanity, Hervey Cleckley commented that “impersonal sex” is part of the syndrome. He also noted though that psychopaths didn’t seem to like sex all that much. Many victims I have interviewed have mentioned that. Sociopaths seem to view sex as a weapon to be used on another person or withheld from another person to hurt them.
As Donna pointed out earlier in the week, there is a strong link between sex motivation and the perception of power; there is also a link between a person’s drive for power and their drive for sex that may be related to testosterone.
When I think about Arnold, Anthony, Elliott and Bill, what I find most striking is their ability to do what I would call dissociate because I can’t think of another word for it. In the moment they are conceiving, tweeting, meeting in the hotel or messing on a dress, thoughts about their families and all of us seem to be completely gone from their minds.
Another great thinker about psychopathy is Robert Reiber, Ph.D. who I had the good fortune to chat with about this very topic in person several years ago. He thinks that this ability to dissociate is what makes a psychopath. When I asked him what he thought about the idea that psychopaths are “without conscience.” He replied, “Of course they have a conscience.” He thinks though they have an uncanny ability to dissociate from their conscience and their memories.
Neither the ideas of Harris nor Reiber bode well for our politicians. But I have learned a lesson from my dogs that might be useful here.
My daughter and I have three Ibizan Hounds, they are sight hounds who also have this uncanny ability to dissociate. When they are hunting small prey they become so focused on the moment they forget we are there and run off. We have been able to prevent this from happening through the use of training collars. We very much wanted them to be able to run free in the woods, so we had to figure out a safe way to get them to come back. They easily learned to come to us to avoid a mild shock that the collars deliver via a remote that has a one mile range. There is also a vibrate button, so after the dogs were trained, the warning vibration is all that is needed. But I have noticed that when they wear the collars they do not become as engrossed in the hunt and they readily come back to my voice. Without the collars, I can be shouting right next to them and they don’t hear me.
So the answer is simple, politicians should wear the collar, and their spouses can keep the remote!
For more discussion about sociopaths and sex see:
Superkid10;
My therapist gave me one session regarding the x-spath and then only allowed me to talk about “me” and moving on, not only regarding the x-spath but with other issues as well.
I never felt my therapist truly understood sociopaths, certainly the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” I met and felt he did not give me enough time to process what I went through. It was all very fast and very emotionally traumatic.
Even to this day, over two years past, I still have a hard time separating what I accept intellectually but feel emotionally.
From what I learned about sociopath, there is not a single trait of his not fitting those of a sociopath save for violence. I accept that I met and dated a sociopath.
Yet, I still emotionally “connect” with the person he presented. Perhaps the main reason is that since then, although I have met better people, I have not met anyone fitting everything I was looking for except the x-spath.
Why, because he wanted me to believe he was right for him, even though he was not.
BBE ~ “he wanted me to believe he was right for him,”
From your post above… WOW! It was probably a typo, but talk about Freudian slip!! Everything was all ABOUT him, without a doubt. We just don’t realize that at the time.
Yeah, your therapist probably didn’t “get it” about sociopaths. There is something though that I agree with your therapist on. The focus should be on YOU.
This article intrigues me. Sex is always one of the big three why a marriage doesn’t work. It is also why I thought my husband would never cheat. He liked the o’s, but he didn’t seem to be into my body. He didn’t touch me in intimate ways. I NEVER felt connection there from him to me. I did him. In fact, sometimes he’d get me hot and bothered and then just go to bed and act so surprised that I was upset b/c he was just saying goodnight. He didn’t know I expected sex after his behavior (and yes, i know the dif b/w a good night kiss and that seductive lingering that says lets fool around.) So it really blew my reality when I found out he was cheating and with whom. It wasn’t until I found this site that a lot of his behaviors made sense only through the lens of a sociopath. And sex, really explains his cruelty, using my desire for closeness and connection (not even really sex, but the closeness that did sometime lead to sex) as a weapon to use to pull me in and then coldly reject me as a demanding b*.
H2H;
Oops, I see the typo, lol. My x-spath had about 5 red flags I ignored. One of them was regarding the person he dated before me. I asked him why it ended and the x-spath responded “he never made time to fit my schedule…”
KatyDid;
I believe all sociopaths have sexuality issues. Per the article above, several things resonate.
One is the disassociation. I clearly remember an incident when I got into an argument with a cab driver. Nothing major for New York City but the x-spath acted like a little boy in the corner when his parents fought. I realize now this is exactly what he was doing and I assume he was subject to an abusive environment when growing up.
Regarding sex, he seems to be the type into very kinky pornography, posting videos of himself masturbating, camming and perhaps erotic chat but to my surprise he may not be that very experienced sexually.
BBEs:
Without a doubt…spaths have sexual issues. I know my X spath sure did. This is making me wonder if that’s one of the reasons our relationshit didn’t last that long. He didn’t want me to find out what he was really like. So it was short lived before I discovered the “real” him in the sex department. Geez. There is always something with them…it truly is like peeling the layers from an onion.
Louise:
Same here as I have compelling strong evidence that my x-spath was HIV+ and when that issue came up in my life, he dumped me.
I just have to say, if it wasn’t for this site, my new therapist (who THANKFULLY is well-versed in psychopathy, unlike my last one, who harmed more than helped), and the book “Women Who Love Psychopaths”, I’d still be walking around in a fog of misery and confusion, hating myself and believing that his new relationship is wonderful because I couldn’t give him what he wanted, crying all the time, barely getting out of bed in the morning.
I still have a long way to go to undo the damage, but if I’d never googled “sociopathic relationships” I might never recover, which now I know I will. Think of all the women and men out there who never think to do just that and are living hellish lives and most likely blaming themselves.
I wish there was some way to get the message to the general public.
BlueEyes
I’m sorry about your experience with your therapist. When I go to mine (every week) I do mention the LF site. I have told her that it seems to me that half our time is trying to understand SPATHY and the other half is trying to heal. It’s not like we got hit by a bus. A bus we can understand. SPATHY is a whole foreign thing. It takes time to process it.
Two years post? Wow. I have a long way to go. I’ve been trying to be no contact – it’s hard to calculate how long because when his emails seep through, i consider that contact, and I relapse. Vise versa when I find myself compelled to snoop on him. I hate that about myself.
My therapist says it’s breaking an addiction and that I need an adrenalin rush of some other type. That is probably true. I just don’t know what to substitute.
My spath too made himself into being exactly what I wanted.
I loved him. I still do.
SK
Eva
Ruminating indeed.
My spath was Mr. Testosterone too. Hours and hours of phone sex. I don’t know how he paid for all of it. Sex with me – it would go 4, 6, 8 hours. What normal man lasts that long? He never admitted to taking Viagara, I really don’t think he needed it. I’d catch him by surprise and he’d be hot and horny in a second.
Of course, then, I suspect he slept with many women, some right under my nose. The last one I didn’t quite grasp at first – he went on and on about his “friend” – suggested we have a threesome – (excuse me??) – the woman was dark skinned and I am fair skinned – he said he liked to “mix things up”.
How gross.
Superkid