Aren’t you getting sick of hearing about all these politicians and other powerful people who can’t control themselves? Are you wondering if they are all just sociopaths? Are all sex addicts also sociopaths?
In the wake of my own dismay at the sheer number of sex crazed politicians, I wanted to share some thoughts with you.
First of all, one of the psychopathy researchers I respect the most is Dr. Grant Harris. He has written a seminal paper COERCIVE AND PRECOCIOUS SEXUALITY AS A FUNDAMENTAL ASPECT OF PSYCHOPATHY He says that promiscuous, coercive and precocious sex is central to the psychopathy syndrome. However, if you look at the statistics on the PCL-R the most studied method of assessing psychopathy, the two items related to sex have the lowest item correlations with the total score and do not even seem to be related strongly to Factor 2 of that test which is a measure of impulsivity. So there doesn’t seem to be a particularly strong relationship between psychopathy and sex addiction. By that I mean not every sociopath/psychopath is obviously a sex addict.
In his book The Mask of Sanity, Hervey Cleckley commented that “impersonal sex” is part of the syndrome. He also noted though that psychopaths didn’t seem to like sex all that much. Many victims I have interviewed have mentioned that. Sociopaths seem to view sex as a weapon to be used on another person or withheld from another person to hurt them.
As Donna pointed out earlier in the week, there is a strong link between sex motivation and the perception of power; there is also a link between a person’s drive for power and their drive for sex that may be related to testosterone.
When I think about Arnold, Anthony, Elliott and Bill, what I find most striking is their ability to do what I would call dissociate because I can’t think of another word for it. In the moment they are conceiving, tweeting, meeting in the hotel or messing on a dress, thoughts about their families and all of us seem to be completely gone from their minds.
Another great thinker about psychopathy is Robert Reiber, Ph.D. who I had the good fortune to chat with about this very topic in person several years ago. He thinks that this ability to dissociate is what makes a psychopath. When I asked him what he thought about the idea that psychopaths are “without conscience.” He replied, “Of course they have a conscience.” He thinks though they have an uncanny ability to dissociate from their conscience and their memories.
Neither the ideas of Harris nor Reiber bode well for our politicians. But I have learned a lesson from my dogs that might be useful here.
My daughter and I have three Ibizan Hounds, they are sight hounds who also have this uncanny ability to dissociate. When they are hunting small prey they become so focused on the moment they forget we are there and run off. We have been able to prevent this from happening through the use of training collars. We very much wanted them to be able to run free in the woods, so we had to figure out a safe way to get them to come back. They easily learned to come to us to avoid a mild shock that the collars deliver via a remote that has a one mile range. There is also a vibrate button, so after the dogs were trained, the warning vibration is all that is needed. But I have noticed that when they wear the collars they do not become as engrossed in the hunt and they readily come back to my voice. Without the collars, I can be shouting right next to them and they don’t hear me.
So the answer is simple, politicians should wear the collar, and their spouses can keep the remote!
For more discussion about sociopaths and sex see:
I LOVE John Lennon. RIP
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Went to my therapist last night, 3 years now, wonder if I should be further along in my “recovery”.
In any case, she made two things super clear in my head.
FIRST, My spath was exactly who I wanted him to be, was gracious with amazing manners and testosterone through the roof. That’s the image I fell in love with.
SECOND All the “incongruent” things he did – like, sleep randomly with other women, not call me, not treat me well, not show normal signs of attachment, not love me back, lie constantly, is because he’s EMPTY inside, there is no love, and therefore no regulating mechanism to what he does or doesn’t do. That’s the SPATH.
I am trying to get over the anger with myself..
I’m trying to get over my anger with him, I’m trying to not be obsessive about this.
Other men Ive gotten over quickly.
Why is it so hard to get OVER the spath? Why is there so much “addiction”? If I could cut off my left arm and be done with this lingering sadness/obsessiveness, I would do it.
SK
Superkid:
I feel the same way, boy do I ever. I’ve only had complete no contact for almost three months, but I have not actually talked to him face to face since August so that is 10 months. I caught a glimpse of him on a sidewalk in October so that is eight months since I have actually seen him. Nine months since I heard his voice as I called him (which was extremely rare for me) at the beginning of September. It is really tough for me. I don’t have any answers at all. I wish I did. I wish I could say something magical that could make it better for you and me. The only thing I keep thinking is that it wasn’t real so why am I pining over it?? This is what I keep thinking though and it is NOT good. I keep thinking but yeah, he is with his wife and they have a life. I don’t know what kind of life it is, but he is THERE. I know he is not physically abusive. So I guess I am “glorifying” their life when in reality his wife is probably miserable. I don’t know. It is tough to get over someone you thought was the absolute one for you. I also keep telling myself that there has to be something about him (spath, nephilim or whatever) that is not human…something that is sooooo beyond this world or whatever for me to feel this way. I never felt this way about any man and am not sure I ever will again. Everyone on here says that’s a good thing…I shouldn’t feel that crazy excitement again because that is what a spath envokes in us and I believe that. BUT…it sure feels good feeling like that about someone instead of being bored with someone. Sigh. I struggle everyday in one way or another about it. I don’t cry or mope all the time, but he is constantly in my head and I HATE that. And you know the main reason why? Because I know I am NOT in his head! That’s no fair! I am totally consumed by someone who could care less about me. Pretty sad. That’s one of the reasons I have been able to maintain NC. I tell myself I will not give him the satisfaction of letting him know I am thinking about him. I am not going to make him a priority in my life when I am only an option in his life.
We are here for each other. I will help you as much as I can. Hugs.
Louise
Hugs to you too. I feel exactly the same way.
It just baffles me that there were times where he pursued me in a total panic when he thought he was going to lose me. Then he turns around and gets remarried & sleeps with somebody else.
Ugh
superkid:
My X spath was the same way. Pursuing, afraid to lose, all that good stuff and then can just turn around and be on to the next one. That’s what they do! 🙁 And they do it very well.
I’m reading Wilhelm Reich these days, and it’s SO right on it. Somebody get out there and read every one of his books, huh?
Because he discovered that NOT ONE of his neurotic patients had gratifying sex lives. Neurosis comes from sexual repression and frustration.
Of course, your friendly neighborhood “therapist” is going to say, well, it’s not quite the whole story, we know a lot more today, and all that. But she’s wrong. Neuroses come from sexual frustration and are 100% cured from being able to gratify those needs. All the other drives exist, are important, but are secondary to that.
The other thing I learned is that porn and kinkiness are not sex. They’re ways to dance around it. Sex avoidance, actually. But look at how our culture defines “sexiness.” Lady Gaga? Bondage fantasies as “ok” and “normal”? (And I do have a few mild ones, so let’s not call it my “hangup” to be criticizing this.) You gotta be cool, babe! Wear that black leather corset, and learn that particular trick in bed. Stop being so “buttoned-up” and hung up! But none of this is sex, really.
I think people who are into this crap are truly frightened when faced with real sex. It’s so intimate, revealing, and demanding of their communication skills. They’re not all spaths; the expectation of jiffy-quick sex is pretty universal in America today.
By the way, check out Season 2 of “Breaking Bad” on Amazon, and there are some free scenes they put together to have fun with the characters. Check out when Hank and Marie do a little role play, “Good Cop/Bad Cop,” where she handcuffs him to the bed and demands that he confess. The problem is, he’s a real cop, and he keeps saying, “No, not like that,” and breaking the fantasy. Just a little fun with how silly it all is. LOL!
Superkid;
Regarding my therapist, while he was correct in trying to keep things focused on me, I don’t think he fully understood the impact the x-spath had on me.
Your comment about needing a new “adrenaline” rush is interesting. I think the biggest issue I faced since the x-spath was too much time on my hands — to think about him.
And spaths give you so much to think about.
Thankfully, the rest of my life is back in order and being busy again seems to be the single best way to get over them.
Louise;
Let me add that we not only get totally consumed by somebody who does not care about us, we get consumed by somebody who on the whole is not a very nice person.
To the latter point, I was fortunate to discover an online profile of my x-spath that is very detailed with various “matching” questions and personality quizzes. While in some ways we “match” very well, overall my x-spath does not come across as a very nice person, certainly not one I would want to date. I am not even sure I would want him as a friend.
Why do I still think about him? There still is a void in my life and as I have mentioned, to date I have not met anyone who had his general qualities.
For example, I met this one guy who really, really liked me. This guy is genuine, expressive, and in every way a better person than my x-spath. The problem was age: way too young. If this other guy was near the same age as my x-spath, I would not be sitting here typing this posting.