I’m reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, which was the #1 New York Times bestseller when it was published in 2007. Gilbert tells her story of supposedly having everything career, marriage, home yet feeling depressed and unhappy. She left it all, got a divorce, and then spent a year abroad to find herself. She ate her way through Italy, studied spiritual practice in India, and sought to balance pleasure and divinity in Indonesia.
While going through her divorce, Gilbert had a relationship with a man whom she calls “David.” This didn’t seem to be a sociopathic relationship, just normally dysfunctional. Although they broke up, Gilbert, from time to time, pined for David. Her feelings came back to haunt her while she studied at an ashram in India. She was obviously despondent, so her wise and funny friend at the ashram, “Richard from Texas,” asked her what was wrong.
Here’s how Gilbert describes the conversation:
I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”
“He probably was,” Richard said. “Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so a new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it.“
Soul mate agenda
In my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, the #2 red flag is “sudden soul mate.” When you meet the sociopath, you feel like you’ve met the person you’ve been waiting for all your life. Why? Because the sociopath studies you, figures out what you’re looking for, and then transforms himself or herself into your ideal mate (at least in the beginning).
Many sociopaths actively push the “soul mate” agenda. In my Internet survey for Red Flags, 64 percent of respondents agreed with the statement, “The individual said we were ‘soul mates;’ I was the person he/she was waiting for.”
Sociopaths, of course, are using the “soul mate” terminology only as a tactic in their strategy of calculated seduction. It’s part of the act, and their real agenda is exploitation.
But as much as I hate to give sociopaths credit for anything, they may, indeed, serve a purpose in our lives.
Hooking our vulnerabilities
Sociopaths look for our vulnerabilities and then use them to hook us. Their actions are certainly despicable. But the fact remains that we’re the ones with vulnerabilities. These vulnerabilities are often detrimental to our happiness, and perhaps even our lives. The sociopath offers us a solution to our problems, an answer to our prayers. It is fake, but we don’t know that until much later, when everything falls apart.
As we’re standing amid the devastation that used to be our lives, wondering how we got into this mess, the truth may be right in front of us: In some way, we were vulnerable.
If we’re honest, we can identify the weakness, pain or mistaken belief that may have been hidden even from ourselves, but the sociopath was able to find and use. Then, we have an opportunity to truly heal not only from the sociopath, but from the vulnerability that the sociopath targeted.
Shattered
This certainly happened to me. When I met James Montgomery, I was 40 years old, had yet to marry, and worried about my biological clock ticking. I was primed to be plucked. When I discovered Montgomery’s betrayal, and realized that my marriage had been a scam from the very beginning, I was shattered.
But what, specifically, was shattered? The walls I had built around my heart. These walls were based on my fear of being hurt, my disappointment at feeling so alone in life, and my mistaken belief that I was not worthy of love. The betrayal by James Montgomery caused me so much emotional pain that I could not contain it, and the pain burst out of me, taking the walls with it.
And with the pain and the walls out of my system, real love was able to enter my life.
Two-fold recovery
So was James Montgomery my soul mate? I guess it depends on how you define the term. Richard from Texas, quoted above, would probably say yes.
I certainly agree that James Montgomery demolished who I was and changed the course of my life. But I’m the one who worked to clear out the emotional debris and discover who I really am. And that’s what I hope you will do as well.
I am not making excuses for sociopaths. But I talk to a lot of people who have been involved with them, and usually, when I ask, they can identify the weakness that made them vulnerable to manipulation.
So make your recovery two-fold. Work on recovering from the sociopath. Then identify and work on recovering from the original vulnerability. Your life may change dramatically, and for the better.
Hi Donna,
Great article! While I never felt quite the emotional connection to my spath many have felt ( I am too walled off and defended) “soul mate” still fits. I met my in-laws at an out-of-state wedding, several years before I met my ex! I used to tell that story so often–and laugh about “our destiny.”
Well, we had a destiny–not what I had in mind, of course. But I do agree that my experiences with him pointed out many of my own flaws and weaknesses. I was married to him for 28 years. And I have often said that, while I would not wish this on my worst enemy, I would not wish it had never happened, either. I am a VERY different person than the one who married him–and completely for the better. To be honest, I am not sure what my life would have been about, without the lessons I have learned (and sometimes am still learning) from this experience. Of course the loss and hurt–especially for my children–is terrible. But I have grown into a kinder and better person.
So, thanks Ray! I appreciate the help you provided while I was on my journey. 🙂
I saw the movie, Eat, Pray, Love but did not read the book. However, after I read your article I had an OMG moment. All of the former Spaths in my life have said how “we were meant to be together” and how I was their “soul mate”. And considering each one of them left me broken and in pieces and would have to say I agree with Richard from Texas. I think that the ones that are “perfect” are the ones that will hurt you the most. Yet, each one that broke me, gave me the opportunity to rebuild who I am. After this last Spath (who broke me in many ways) I learned that I have a lot more fight in me than I ever thought I had and that is when I decided that he will never break me completely – his deception only made me stronger and better.
As he spends all his time “acting happy” I will spend all of mine actually “being happy” and that is a huge difference. He taught me not to trust, or believe in love, but he taught me to love who I am. I have days that I wonder why, guess I always will, but I have more days being thankful that I am free to be me.
I never believed in “soul mates”…even when my ex would tell me in the beginning we were, I would think…are you kidding me we are complete opposites…why compete opposites?…because I knew he was a liar couldn’t figure out why he would lie about little things and did not know how to deal with his lying, he talked badly about everyone in his past, now i know he was plant his seeds of lies in my mind so that if I ever ran across anyone that knew the truth about him and told me I would not believe them (now he is doing that about me)….one being his dad who tried to warn me but I did not believe him because his son had already planted lies in my mind about him….my ex had a aggressive past including getting into fights and as an adult he still had no remorse for them, the list can go on and on….we were the complete opposite in our thinking and actions, I had zero interest in dating him let alone marrying him….but I now know I was quickly mind controlled/hypnotized by him because I have witnessed him do this to everyone in the court house, it’s quite shocking when you know exactly what is in his bag of tricks.
What Richard does not know is a sociopath will mirror there victims in the beginning to control them…to make the victims think they are the ones…but it’s all a con…the one that is saying you are their soul mates are con artist.
I read this book ironically during the time I was so emotionally beaten down during my marriage and wanted to leave…I thought the way she felt that first night in the bathroom was exactly how I felt as her own husband could not stick to a plan nor did he worry about their financial future, she was the adult and her husband was the child wondering to no where….I also thought David was much like my ex, meaning he moved quickly with the relationship “love bombed” and was not empathetic to her when she was struggling with her divorce/depression from ending her marriage. A normal guy would have stepped back from a new relationship where the women was crying all the time and sleeping on the floor to get away from him…not david. Also after several months he calls her out of the blue to see how she was, like he was trying to keep the hooks in her, he was a struggling actor who most likely did not have a lot of money and needed someone to support him….he seemed very narcissistic especially after the way things ended with them before they went on the trip.
I think if you feel you have to run away from a relationship like she did twice, you are most likely dealing with a narcissist or a sociopath and you feel the only way you can clear your mind and actually think is to escape them then you should not have that person in your life, a normal person will respect your boundaries.
Hi Jan7. As usual I’m enjoying all Donna’s hard work putting together these articles for us and everyone’s comments too. The part of your comment about mind control & or hypnotism really caught my attention. I’m interested in learning more about this as I’m quite sure there were elements of this early on while dating the sociopath playing the role of my wife. She is amazingly adept at securing that quick bond with people. I see techniques she uses on every site that I’ve found. She has continued her smear campaign. Good Times. While I know I have witnessed her engaging in these behaviors I’m struggling with being able to clearly explain or put into words( that don’t sound too crazy ) lol. Anyway I know it’s a bit off the main topic here but if anyone wants to share any info or experiences I would appreciate it greatly.
Exactly a normal person would respect our boundaries, which my soon to be ex has crossed so many times. Too many for me to even count. A normal person would feel the pain they are inflicting, feel remorseful and show empathy. Katareaux, my husband can go in as many cruises with the mistress/co worker as he wishes. And yes he can act as happy as possible. It’s just a cover up anyhow. He can never be truly happy because he hates himself. My therapist mentioned something very interesting. If he would not blame someone for his actions, the guilt he normally feels, just would eat him up. It is so much more convenient to blame someone than to man up and tell the truth. He is not a man, he is a coward. To leave a family, walk away from loved ones, start a new relationship right away, that’s the mist cowardly act a man can do. My therapist along with my attorney remind me regularly that I should not feel any sorrow for him, ever. I am now at a point where he is absolutely nothing to me or my son. And yes I learned a lot from this experience. I wish I would have not stayed 20 years but I know for myself that I did everything in my power to make this work. I know I was a great wife and mother and that he never deserved me. Once he runs out of money this “girl”, 18 years younger than him, will throw him away anyhow. Or even if he gets bored with her, she will be history. For men like this the only solution is that they stay out of any relationships because they just don’t get it. Without love, trust and commitment they will never find any happiness. Even with a 20 year old sexy co worker.
Here is a quote from the book that hit me between the eyes. Wouldn’t it be great if young woman entering into serious relationships heard this and had those of us who have lived this explain it to them?!
“I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.”
just read the book “Daring greatly” by Brene Brown. according to her, vulnerability is not always a weakness. i have seen so much on lf about vulnerability being a weakness. my wife was hooked by a sociopath for 2 years. she saw that he exploited her vulnerabilities and i think she tried to rid herself of them in order to get out and away from him. now she seems distant,at times seeming to “catch herself from getting too close to me. i think Brene is right. vulnerability is required in any authentic relationship in order for us to “show up” and “be seen for who we are”. i think my wife has closed that off for fear of being hurt again.
sincerely, rgc
rgc112063,
I never thought about it like that,but you make a very good point!
When I realized what I was dealing with,that my marriage was a sham;that there had never been any love,etc,I too wanted to close up tightly like a flower closing it’s blossoms;no longer allowing it’s beauty to be enjoyed.I wanted to lick my wounds.No one understood anyway!
What brought me out of that feeling,was the counseling I received;the support here at Lovefraud and of friends and my pet chihuahua…she taught me to love and laugh again!
Its interesting to try and understand this, it has a two fold effect: one – it takes the guilt out of thinking your soul mate is a demon from hell and two – gets you to dig deeper in an understanding as to what would make you prime real estate for an spath to move in and take over.
I want to be really clear because it may help others: I came from a family where I had an spath/psychological hedonist for a father. I was badly abused in every way possible. I lived most of my childhood accepting as children do that one of my parents was deranged. I made bad relationship decisions based on this relationship most of my adult life. I either picked men who were tall dark and handsome, or men with a personality deficit that usually defined itself as some sort of violent tendency.
Its easy to repeat history. However, digging deeper, psychologically the unhealed child searches a lifetime to keep going back to the start in an effort to make it right.
Over and over again, we seek to put ourselves in a situation where the wounded child will try and recover the relationship so that they can feel justified or somehow emotionally set straight if the situation rectifies itself and the person in question reforms, loves them, and all is well with the world.
There’s the vulnerability. How to heal it? Acceptance….flat out acceptance of the vulnerability and that the true way to heal is through healing yourself, and/or being able to make a serious relationship partner determination with a person who is healthy.
Even now I struggle with going back in my mind, over and over again, to the spath situation, to see if I can’t find some vulnerability in him, that I can crack, and get a human response from. Thats the child, she’s in here, and she wants to have a normal childhood with normal parents.
Its a big chasm for me to try and get across. Thanks for this, because at least it fortifies my strength and resolve in healing that vulnerability.
Yes! With wonderful clarity, you have described the lonely, costly, misleading road so many of us are compelled to travel through life. Thank you for putting words to this self-defeating predisposition. That is the first step to breaking free.
Brene Brown’s books are great another topic that should be taught in high school. She stated on the Oprah show Life Class (see Oprah’s site to watch the the two part show) that you must be careful who you show your vulnerability too, you must only show it to people who have “earned your trust—this is important advise”I think most who come out of a sociopathic relationship are shell shocked, their minds have been scrambled and we must once again learn to trust our gut instinct until that time I believe most will keep their fortes walls up high with everyone, even someone they trusted in the past. you may want to do things to prove you can be trusted (do things around the home/for the relationship without her asking), it will take some time maybe even a year or two, maybe more”show her your kindness, your vulnerability. Sociopaths destroy so many people clearly he impacted your entire family. It’s good that you found this site to understand what he mentally/emotionally did to your wife.
they have an uncanny ability to make us believe we are their ‘soul mate’ when in actuality we are their ‘soul bait’. I am grateful to say, however; ‘I escaped the demise of a sociopath and my children are “alive!”!
Maybe a little off topic, but what blows me away is the sheer infantilism of their behavior. Imagine only seeing in another person what you can get from them!
I’ve found the best cure for me is to not expect anything from other people. I love, I care, but I try to be as self-sufficient as possible. I have had various predators pursue me in the past 10 years but their motives and “techniques” were obvious to me. Plus, they had no hook because I wanted nothing from them. Sometimes what they perceived as my weakness was laughable to me (for example flattery, or the spontaneous inappropriate marriage proposals)
I can only hope I haven’t become cynical and cold.