Last week, my husband, Terry Kelly, and I traded colds. I got sick first, and Terry made chicken soup and did what he could to make me feel comfortable.
Then, despite my best efforts to keep my germs to myself, Terry got sick.
By this time I was feeling better. So I went to the store and bought cold medicine, tissues and orange juice, because I’d used everything up. I made him chicken soup. I even made him a pot of chili.
As I did all this, I noticed a warm feeling within me.
It was the joy of taking care of someone I loved. I was concerned about his health and wellbeing. I was happy and energized to help him.
It was a feeling sociopaths never experience.
Three behavioral systems of love
When we talk about romantic love, what exactly do we mean? We may associate it with excitement, or a warm, squishy feeling about someone special.
But Drs. Philip R. Shaver and Mario Mikulincer, social psychology researchers, have explained romantic love in a way that’s helpful for people involved with sociopaths to understand.
Psychologists have come to believe that human beings have innate motivational systems, also called behavioral systems, which have evolved over millennia to help the species survive. Shaver and Mikulincer suggest that three of these systems are involved in the experience of romantic love: the attachment, sexual and caregiving behavioral systems.
Read:
Attachment, Caregiving, and Sex within Romantic Relationships: A Behavioral Systems Perspective, by Mario Mikulincer.
Real love
For non-disordered people, real love, therefore, has three components:
- Attachment attraction, the compulsion to be with the person we love
- Sex no explanation necessary
- Caregiving the desire to take care of the person we love
Sociopaths only experience two of these components. They definitely feel attraction, at least in the beginning of the relationship. And they definitely want sex. Usually lots and lots of sex.
But sociopaths do not experience caregiving. They really have no desire to take care of anybody not you, not their kids. They are only concerned about themselves. They do not think about what will benefit someone else.
Fake caregiving
In the beginning of your relationship, you may have seen what appeared to be caregiving. The sociopath was always doing things for you, or buying things for you.
This was not authentic caregiving. It was a seduction tool as the sociopath was reeling you in. He or she appeared to be concerned about you and your welfare, but it was an act. You may have noticed that once your were hooked, it stopped.
In fact, one of the big telltale signs of a sociopath is how this person behaves when you need help. Unless a sociopath has a specific agenda, a payoff for helping you, often he or she cannot be bothered.
Donna,
Interesting and enlightening article. What I experienced may be a bit different than you. What I experienced was that the sociopath wasn’t able to generate attachment, sex, or caring. Even though he wanted my time, my body, and bought me stuff. It was all a masquerade.
He was chronically detached, pathologically self-reliant. The authors of the article discuss this phenomenon at one point, and it jumped out at me because I never felt the sociopath was really and truly attached (connected and needing that connection for affirmation, security, and a sense of safety). He only needed people in the most fleeting sense. Even people he kept around for the ‘long haul’. They were just props, to try to normalize his otherwise senseless life, and this helped him lure in new targets.
The affirmation he sought was so superficial and fleeting it didn’t require any deep attachment. The same with the sex. And caring was void. When I truly was ill, or emotionally distressed, he had no recognition of it. What he ‘did for me’ was always on his time, and never connected to a genuine need or desire that I might have had.
I think during the lovebombing phase it appeared he was attaching himself to me. But I think that was also a put on. I thought because he called so much, and wanted to be together 24/7 that he was becoming attached. Instead it was a manifestation of his need to control, learn what weaknesses I had as fast as possible, and get from me what he could before I knew what hit me. That is just the behavior of a parasite.
I think all of it is a put on. They can pretend to attach. Then they go through the motions of sex (without attachment, just a physical act). And they may, when it suits them, pretend to ‘take care’ of us.
Good post! I think the only thing a sociopath is genuinely attached to is the control over his targets.
My ex wants me to keep my door open for him now.. I get to experience his MO with insight this time around!!!! Love bombing is obvious….lots of extravagant gift giving….( I have not seen this man for two years) The love bombing is through the mail and telephone. There is no sexual contact because he lives with his new family in a different state. He contacts me at all hours of the day and night. I keep my phone on a separate floor because I would be woken otherwise in the night. The telephone contact ( that I really loved and appreciated when we were married and I was blind)can now legally be called STALKING. Calling 70 times a day is weird…and teaches me how as victims we sometimes confuse intimacy and intensity. He states to me that he is responsible for me and has great regret about his behavior….so he insists on helping me by paying for me. This does not include $$ that were actually stolen from our community assets, but allows him to feel in control because he pays for expensive stuff that I just cannot afford any more. That to him demonstrates care taking.
The reality of my life is that the real consequences will happen only if I am romantically attached to another person. I am convinced that no contact will be very useful for me at that point, but will throw him into a position which I believe he may not be able to deal with. That is when the real danger will begin in my life. As long as I am a possession I will be well taken care of ( superficially). Loosing control is what will mean something real to him. The superficial relationships he has with everyone in his life suit his needs perfectly.
Imara, with love and deep concern I’m going to say that you are in real danger right now. This crazy roller coaster ride is going to continue until you decide to jump off. People who stay involved in any way with romantic partners they KNOW are sociopaths are literally courting their own continuing harm. I hope you come to recognize for the sake of your own well-being that you’re not just a passive victim of this man’s control.
Thank You onmyown,
I assure you I have a gaurded heart and a lot of insight and knowledge when I am contacted by my ex. My roller coaster has ended and I am definitely on firm ground watching him try to spin his act!!!! I am completely independent of his insanity and need of control. This man cheated and robbed me of millions of $$…. if he wants to help me pay for my daughter’s wedding i’m not going to say no. If he wants to pay the agency where I volanteer to help me provide a service I do not decline the money…..
I understand him now…..He fits the classic pattern followed by a successful corporate psychopath.
I do not believe that it is in my best interest to go complete no contact with him. I do know that my knowledge of his disorder and my emotional and financial independence allow me to deal with his behaviour based on wether it is beneficial to me and my kids or not. THe real deep feeling of absolute acceptance of my circumstances and the superficiality of my long term marriage was a life lesson I had to learn. I have also learnt that I have no control over him and his life……if he screws up his life now by constantly contacting me that is not my problem. I am the captain of my destiny and am very careful to gaurd my heart and my interest. I will keep you guys posted on how the new episode of lovebombing is going!!!
This was so true of my experience. Although my ex-path faked love and care, I knew I could not rely on him. He sometimes made gestures of care when I was sick, but it was hollow. I never felt the warmth of being cared for. There were words of sympathy, but actions didn’t match. It was little things, he wouldn’t stop when my legs were hurting from miles of walking when I was 7 months pregnant, or wanting sex when I was running a temperature or that detached grin when I was in labour. His indifference to my pain was so striking that I the thought of ever requiring care from him was terrifying. Even before I discovered his true nature and believed in his displays of fake love, my instinct told me he was incapable of caring for me.
Please read my post . The same here. All the best for you. I now have a totally different husband, so caring, so interested, so loving and so sincere, I sometimes do not believe I was so lucky after so many years of pain.
This sounds so familiar. During my 20 years marriage my soon to be ex has not shown me any compassion at all. When I was hospitalized with heart issues “I did this to get attention.” When I has a bad toothache and needed a root canal “it was my imagination.” When my blood pressure was so high they thought I was having a stroke “I did it on purpose.” It was all a big inconvenience for him. He didn’t even fake any empathy, he was cold and stone hearted. But of course the “sex” part was very important. How dare I refuse sex after a heart cath. He was the poor victim. Again I never realized how “wrong” all this was. As a husband and father he should have put mine and my sons welfare before his own selfish needs. Now I know about sociopaths. Thank you so much for this website. It opened my eyes and I can see so clearly now. Why would I ever be sad over the loss of such evil being?
Very true! I dislocated my knee and couldn’t work..he actually told me I had to go back even though he worked a part time job! Never once took care of me while I was sick. Although he didn’t want sex either very ofen..he was satisfied with his porn I guess. Funny how you don’t realize things at the time but now looking back its all so clear. My now boyfriend will bend over backwards to take care of me.
Kit
Congratulations on your new boyfriend. Yes, this is how it should be. Bending backwards to take care of you. You are so right about the sex. My husband was obsessed with porn and I often caught him watching it in the middle of the night. Of course he had to do that because of me. Even when I told him that it bothered and hurt me a lot seeing him enjoying this porn. “Get over it” was his answer. You are giving me hope that there are some good, caring “boyfriends” out there. At the moment it is very hard for me to trust any man. But then again it has only been 9 months since he left compared to the 20 years. I am at peace now and truly enjoy every day with my son. I am just thankful we survived and every day without him is a “happy” day . 🙂
yes, I still get up in the morning thinking that nobody is going to abuse me, shout at me, be indifferent to my pain, be it physical or mental. I now have another man, he is so so so different, a normal human being that my children adore, interested in everything about me, has cried with me when I was sad once, prayed with me, always doing things to improve my life, always working hard to make sure I have comfort and security. I did not konw that a marriage could be that.For 24 years I thought marriage was what I had, abusive, frightening, uncaring, demanding, cold.
Elisee, your comment: “For 24 years I thought marriage was what I had, abusive, frightening, uncaring, demanding, cold” fits my sitution to a T. Now that I’m with a wonderful man, I have been shocked that is GLAD to take care of me when I need it. What? I never realized this was possible in my 30 year marriage! Donna’s story brought me back to so many red flags…Even as newlyweds, there was no care or concern. I am prone to bronchitis, and before I learned how to manage and prevent it, I broke my ribs coughing. The pain was shockingly severe and caught me off guard when it first happened, literally bringing me to my knees in front of my new husband. His response? “Oh, come on…it can’t be that bad…”
I was severely ill after our second child was born, and was hospitalized for an entire month, hooked up to IVs the whole time. When I was well enough to walk around, my husband begged for sexual favors – talking me into finding a seculded room in the hospital to gratify him. He had manipulated me into feeling sorry for HIM while I was the one who didn’t even know if I would live to see my newborn grow up!
These are the things I’ve been too ashamed to tell most people – I’m glad for this forum to share and to read that I was not alone by any means!
Again, another example of my soon to be ex. I have a letter on here describing my experience.
I had a large lump under my arm, and got it checked out. She accused me of being a hypochondriac.
I couldn’t eat anything but poached eggs and yogurt. I had to get a scope down my stomach. They removed precancerous spots from my esophagus. She accused me again of just seeking attention. She told me that I was TRYING to loose weight. Her whole reason to divorce me was that I was sick, and I wouldn’t get any help.
I have a hearing Friday, after presenting motion for appeal, and a stay on all other action concerning the property.
I am going to print this article and bring it with me.
Excellent article – and it arrived exactly when I needed it! I was in the midst of struggling with the issues that this addressed for me.
Excellent information.
Two years and counting waiting for a family trial surrounded in delay, manipulation and defiance to be close to my son.
His mother continues to be manipulative, verbally uncooperative and a constant drain on any cooperative efforts attemtped.
The love expressed is based in controlling all situations on her terms.
Lovebombing at the beginning, demeaning throughout the pregnancy, and for the last two years, thousands thrown needlessly down the legal drain. Could have been for my son’s benefit, lost in the malaise of winning for just winning.
My gut instict told me 6 years ago run.
I tried to believe in her.
Trust your instincts. Life is too short to be living with a maniacal person.
I’ll keep you posted Donna.
Blessing to all for the holidays.
Don
Yes, it is amazingly sickening to look back and see how we ran around taking care of our sp….Waiting for a crumb of genuine concern….I broke my wrist and severely sprained my other wrist in a fall and he was no where in site…He didn’t ask to help and when I asked why, he said he knew I had others to help me out. Not a card, not a flower, not a thing….he came around once and took me to get a coffee at the local family run coffee shop. He told me we couldn’t sit down, couldn’t stay, he had to get going…so I was rushed home to be dropped off and when I spotted a napkin from a Starbucks….I told him how amazing that he had time to sit at Starbucks….(He doesn’t drink coffee or tea) and although a napkin isn’t proof of that, my assumption was probably dead on….he also had been avoiding me for 2 months and we only were speaking on the phone as he called me 5 times a day to keep me in control….so….
I had been reading and studying at the Lovefraud Academy, so when I got his “I love you but don’t want a relationship with anyone” after 5 years of playing me, I said “Well, then, goodbye” and meant it finally…..NO Contact…
The straw that broke the camel’s back was his unconcern about my broken wrist…and I had plenty of time to think back to all the times I helped him during all his eternal crises…
He told me that when I come running back for him to help me he might not be around and I laughed and told him when did he ever help me??
I recently was explaining to a friend what an sp really is and how they operate….and it is like once you know, it’s like having a special pair of glasses that will spot the sp every time…like we can see them when others can’t….like a movie where the hero can spot the body snatcher or the alien disguised as a human form…