Lovefraud received the following letter from a woman who was married to a sociopath for 16 years.
I was a stay-at-home mom until my son entered kindergarten, then I got a job. This was the end of any peace I would have for 10 years. The worst possible thing happened to my husband—the woman he could make fun of for being stupid or having no goals (whatever he would say to hurt my self-esteem) became a huge success. In fact, I made three times as much as Mr. Wonderful. The abuse escalated. He was so obsessed with destroying me that even on a business trip where I was getting an award for being the top sales rep in my company, he was pulling my boss aside and insinuating I was committing fraud and that was why I was #1.
For the last year of my marriage, he had convinced me to hand over all extra money so he could invest for “our” future. I did it thinking it was his ego that was hurt from my success. I didn’t know what he was then.
He spent a year hiding every dime, transferring every debt into my name, making up horrible stories about me to my friends and family. He would go talk to them in tears and say I was stealing all of our money and cheating on him. He would say how much he loved me and ask for advice, then have them swear not to say anything to me because he wanted our marriage to work. He even went so far to pull cousins, aunts and uncles aside during my grandmother’s funeral to say these things.
At the end of the year, while I was packing for a very large business meeting that was to announce a promotion for me, he told me he had cancer.
I believed him. Who besides a sociopath would say such a lie to their wife? That whole evening was spent crying and upset that my husband had cancer. Then I asked him a simple question, “Who is your doctor?” He couldn’t answer. Who would forget their cancer doctor? Then I realized, if he had been going to the doctor for such a serious illness, where were all the insurance bills? I have been to the doctor for a cold and gotten a bill from a lab, the doctor, then a follow-up from the insurance company to pay more, etc. I kicked him out.
I went to my business meeting and the onslaught of horrible screaming calls to the receptionist began from him. An entire week of this, while I was supposed to be there receiving a promotion. I left without the promotion and was basically fired”¦ “maybe you need to take some time to attend to personal problems.”
When I came home, I filed for divorce, cried for weeks and then looked around to find our money to pay bills. It was hidden; not a trace of paperwork was left. Every bill was in my name only. My friends, my family, my neighbors, even customers, no longer spoke to me. I deserved this, in their eyes.
Three years later, I still have nobody who fully believes me. I have one friend. My parents and I speak, but I don’t trust them not talk to my husband. If he has any information on me, he does whatever he can to destroy me. He abandoned our son, moved to another state to live with the next victim. My own sister sends him cards and letters and won’t speak to me.
The smear campaign
This woman was subjected to a smear campaign from her husband, the sociopath.
Abusers often use this tactic to cover up their own behavior and convince others that they are the ones being victimized. In fact, abusers frequently start the campaign as a pre-emptive strike, long before the relationship with the true victim collapses.
That’s what happened to the woman who wrote the letter. As the sociopath was getting ready to move on—he probably had his next victim already lined up—he laid the groundwork to destroy his wife. With his tears and skill as a liar, he convinced the woman’s friends and family of his story. They became unwitting co-conspirators.
What can you do?
Fighting the smear campaign is difficult. Most honest people can’t imagine that someone would be lying when making the outrageous charges that the sociopath claims, so they believe the lies. When the true victim finds out what has been said, everyone has already turned against her.
MSN Psychopath, a forum for victims, has a page about the smear campaign with suggestions on how to handle it. For example:
If anyone tries to talk to you about him, hold up your hand (like a stop sign) and say something like, “I don’t want to hear anything about him. He’s lying.” Say no more. If it continues, say, “My lawyer recommends I warn people they will have to testify where they heard that, should this turn into a libel or slander lawsuit.” Watch them scatter quickly when hearing this. This can cause people to stop cold and have another look at what they’ve been told.
Some more ideas: Say nothing but burst out with raucous laughter, slap your knee and laugh like crazy. “You should have heard what he said about his ex-girlfriend (ex-wife, you, his sister).” You get the idea.
Your own pre-emptive action
Once your relationship falls apart and you realize you’re dealing with a sociopath, or once you start to hear the lies, you may want to take your own pre-emptive action. Warn your family, friends, co-workers and the Human Resources Department at your job that the sociopath may start saying terrible things about you. This may work if their perceptions haven’t already been poisoned by the sociopath.
It may help to be able to explain why a person would say such terrible things. The reason, of course, is that the person is a sociopath. But as we all know, very few people understand what that means. To help others comprehend what you are dealing with, send them a link to Lovefraud.
burntbutnotdn
I am so glad I stumbled across this site. My life has been torn upside down by the sociopath. We met on the internet and I was going thru a very nasty divorce at the time and she was there with me thru it all. At the time she seemed normal enough but of course I was blind and all the signs were there. When we met she was drawing disabilty for a mental disorder no sure what it was I think ADHD. She had just obtained her BS in Social Work and wanted to get her masters. Well when I went to her house to meet her she was living with a roommate. Well come to find out the roommate was her ex. At the time we lived about 3 hours apart and I helped her find a job closer to me and helped her get an apartment. We were about an hour apart at the time.
Well one day I hadn’t heard from her and went to her apartment that I was helping her pay the rent on and she was there with her ex and anothe rof her friends. Well to say the least I was rather upset. I pulled her out of there and we went for a ride and I asked her what in the world was going on. She said that she was homesick and she wanted them to come and spend some time with her. Well after a few days they left and things again seemed somewhat normal.
Then she quit her job and moved three states away with her ex. We talked every day for about 3 months then I decided to take a weekend road trip. Well we hooked up and things were great. I stupidly talked her into coming back and living with me. Things were good for about 2 years and then all of a sudden she decides to move out and get an apartment.
Well I found out she had met someone at work and they were seeing each other and this person was 17 years older than her. After about 6 months she moved back in and things were OK for a brief period of time then she decides to go in the Army.
Well that lasted about 6 weeks and then she calls me out of the blue and tells me she misses me dearly and that she is getting out and to meet her at the airport. Well things were really good for awhile and everything seemed to be going great she was working and helping out and then all of a sudden she just walks away I mean literally walks to the homeless shelter here. She stayed there about a month a then just disappeared.
Needless to say about three months later she calls from out of the blue and says she misses me to wire her some money she wants to come back home and has enrolled in the Masters of Social Work Program at a University about an hour away. Well she came back home worked and went to school. She conned me out of one semesters tuition and and a car that I bought her. Things were going great or so I thought.
About 9 months before graduating from the Masters Program she said we needed time apart but that we would still see each other. Well she never called or came by, or returned my phone calls. Well I took her to court over the tuition and car and was awarded a garnishment. Well she decides to move to a city about an hour away and hooks up with someone 18 years older than her. I had the garnishment and really needed the money so I called her and told her I knew where she was living and that I wanted my car and the money. She sent a few nasty emails and that was it.
Right before Christmas I found out where she was working and called and left her a message that said happy New Year.
Well she immediately freaked and called and sent emails that she would give me all the money she owed me to meet her at a local restaurant that we would talk and she was looking forward to seeing me.
Well I met her and told her if we were going to talk
to lets do it that I had things to do. She told me that sometimes you try to hurt the person you love the most is why she treated me the way she did. I am not even going to mention all the lies because I could not possible type them all.
I said who wants to go first. So I did and I poured my heart and soul out to her. She said that she had written me a letter and she would go to her car and get it. She never returned left me sitting right there in the restaurant waiting on the letter.
Then she calls and asked me to send her a letter saying that I will forget about the debt and things will be different. I asked what do you mean different and hse said that I knew her and I knew what she meant by different. She hung up on me and Ihaven’t heard from her in about a week but my lawyer has her employers address and is going to begin the garnishemnt again so pray for me.
Part of me thinks I am as crazy as she is for wanting her back in my life but I really do. For some odd reason I love the girl and would do anthing to try to make her a more stable person. All of my friends and family dilike her and I duppose everyone cannot be wrong it is just me. Part of me really loves her but part od me hates her for all she has put me thru. This is just a brief overview the lies and mental abuse are to much to write about.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not miss her or think about her.
will be okay
To burntbutnotdn.. Soooo many of us have said & felt the same thing… That even though you see them for what they are, still you miss them and a part of you wants them back… Thats part of their power and their trickery!! When it’s good, it’s VERY good! In my case it was the sex and he made me feel so special. Then I remember the end of the relationship when he was already seeing another, the sex changed and so did the incredible attentiveness.. He was no longer trying as hard, he no longer cared as much.. But heres the thing.. HE NEVER CARED!! It was all just an act!! So we all know what you’re feeling, we have all felt it, too. Read through the blogs, you will see it mentioned many times.
The trick is to constantly remind yourself that the person you loved.. NEVER REALLY EXISTED!! It was always a lie to manipulate you, get what she wanted, and just have fun playing games.. At your expense. That realization in itself is very hard, but you must always remind yourself. For me it has been almost 5 months and it’s getting alot easier, every time you start to think about her, actively, consciously make yourself stop. Turn on the tv, read a book.. something. And always remember she is evil and WILL NEVER CHANGE!! You are a good person who deserves SO much better!! and it will get better & easier with time.
will be okay
In response to the blog. Whoa, I thought the smear campaign against me was bad. My heart absolutely goes out to this woman, this is the type of nightmare most people will never even come close to in their lifetimes, and to have to go through it with virtually no support from friends & family.. is just heartbreaking. There are alot of support groups that can help. Good luck to you.
healing
Thank you for sharing your story of his smear campaign. This also happened to me, he tried to get me fired from a job that supported us! He was jealous of someone I worked with, and accused me of having an affair with him. Unfortunately, psychopath’s can do a great deal of damage to our careers, our financial stability, our relationships with family and friends.
As for your sister who believes him and not you? This must hurt like crazy. She has no sense of loyalty.
As for all the others who still don’t believe you? Maybe in the end they’re not worth having relationships with, if they’re not willing to face the truth. For what it’s worth, I believe every word you said.
gaslighted
Defamation was the straw that broke my too trusting back…I totally identify with you and wish I had been as pre-emptive.
I bought the lies and degradation and became ill with it…when I tried to fight and emerge triumphant, I was w/o most support, alienated by ‘heavy hitters’ he networked into, and blamed for what he was actually doing himself. I was left homeless and with death all around me. Take this woman’s advice. She has been there…….and you don’t have to be in a long relationship to have this happen. Check your state laws. You better know HE HAS. In my case the lawyer came before the marriage! Be cautious–they don’t want to be wrong, caught, or even seem guilty. Outside you see an angel; inside a devil waiting for the best time to take the money and run…….with devastation behind him and likely unproveable. You will never prove your honor to all who heard the tale, but many will come to see, and tell you—-they just will not want to be involved in any way, even if it is to undo what role they took in helping the conartist.
LAMan
To burntbutnotdn:
I visit this site most every day, when I have a spare moment, to see what new posts there are. I am also recovering from who I now refer to as “the messed up little creep.” However, I still think about him every day, and the part of him that I wanted and loved is what I think about. I always stop myself as soon as possible from devoting much time to thinking of him.
You must get away from this woman!! It’s VERY hard to believe, but she doesn’t really love you. You can’t change her. She is using you.
Took me a long time to believe that I was treated that way, but I was, and the less time of your life you waste on these people the better. Turn to your close friends and reach out to them for platonic intimacy right away, to replace the feelings of friendship you have for this evil woman. As for romance, there is someone else out there for you that will be the right woman, and you are wasting time every day you don’t see that.
Pardon me for being blunt like this – and I am an absolute stranger, but I feel for your situation. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and it’s up to you to stop it from happening any further! That woman has wasted more than enough of your precious time!
That’s how I view my “little creep psycho.” I can’t even allow myself to waste time thinking about him because it is a WASTE of my time. Writing here on this blog keeps me on the right path and focused on moving on and …it works!
You can do it.
burntbutnotdn
Well if she would just leave me alone I could cut my loses and move on. Everytime I think she is gone for good she calls or e-mails me out of the blue and I get my hopes up that maybe things could work out this time. I have learned more about her personality in the past week by reading information here than I did in the whole 5 years we were on again off again.
LAMan
In that regard, I am lucky. I have not been ‘re-contacted.’
I must admit, I worry that the creep will pop up again in the future. I’m not worried that I will get my hopes up again (although, I’ll still have to watch myself), as much as I want to make sure I wouldn’t trigger malicious behavior from him. He, after all, did spend time in prison for fraud. I imagine if I ever were ‘re-contacted’ I would simply ignore the communication completely (as much as I want to tell the creep off). He’s ignored me, so fair is fair. From what I read, they do abandon you.
If it ever happens, this is the first place I will go with the info…but I choose to believe I’ll be left alone (always want to keep that stress level low!) 🙂
Hey, and about the “learning more about the person in the past week by reading here…” I can agree! It’s completely freaky and takes awhile to accept. But hey, one advantage…I feel much better about myself knowing that I didn’t mess up and I wasn’t the villain…the creep was. I didn’t lose out on the love of my life because I messed up…the whole thing was just a fantasy that I had with a person with a PERSONALITY DISORDER. So now, 5 months later — I don’t feel the same devastation I would feel with a broken heart. Once you learn the truth about the psycho, you discover you didn’t miss out on love at all…you saved yourself!
421dmb2
It is horrible to have your name and reputation smeared. My ex husband did that to me (and continues to do that to me). The sad part is…people believe in their source of information. Initially it is my ex telling a co-worker, a father at baseball, etc. These people believe my ex because he is so convincing and seemingly sincere. They then tell people close to them who believe their source, and on it goes. This has been very, very painful for me to deal with in my life because I really try to be a good person, so to be slandered and believed to be something I am not is really hurtful. This has been going on for me for about eight years now, and even though I feel the pain every time it happens, I think I have become a much better person because of it. I think before this experience, I would have been one of those people who believe their source of gossip. I think I was probably one of those people who even passed on the gossip…to my sister, closest friend, etc. (believing it to be true because I trusted my source). Now, I never gossip and I do not judge people based on what I hear. I know from my own experience that I can’t possibly know for sure what happened and my source of information could be wrong. My own experience has made me a better person.
This may seem crazy, but when I hear of a death in my ex husband’s family or circle of friends, I always think that maybe when people die, they learn the absolute truth of all things. So, when they die they learn the truth that really I was a good person and my ex was a liar and a bad person. As time goes on and more people we know pass on, more people will know the truth of the situation. Then the pain and rejection I feel during my life time will be felt by my ex when he passes on and realizes that everyone knows him for what he truly is. This is probably a crazy thought, but it is hard to make sense of it all.
whoamI
The woman in the blog is me.
I felt a powerful emotion reading the responses! Thank you!To change the world, we must change ourselves..I like, 421dmb2, never gossip or even want to be in the same room as someone who does.
There is a book called ‘after the locusts’… it helped me imagine a life beyond this nightmare.
My marriage didnt exist, I, our son, friends, family…meant NOTHING to him..just pawns…a means to an end. The hardest thing my heart will ever have to accept.