Lovefraud received the following letter from a woman who was married to a sociopath for 16 years.
I was a stay-at-home mom until my son entered kindergarten, then I got a job. This was the end of any peace I would have for 10 years. The worst possible thing happened to my husband—the woman he could make fun of for being stupid or having no goals (whatever he would say to hurt my self-esteem) became a huge success. In fact, I made three times as much as Mr. Wonderful. The abuse escalated. He was so obsessed with destroying me that even on a business trip where I was getting an award for being the top sales rep in my company, he was pulling my boss aside and insinuating I was committing fraud and that was why I was #1.
For the last year of my marriage, he had convinced me to hand over all extra money so he could invest for “our” future. I did it thinking it was his ego that was hurt from my success. I didn’t know what he was then.
He spent a year hiding every dime, transferring every debt into my name, making up horrible stories about me to my friends and family. He would go talk to them in tears and say I was stealing all of our money and cheating on him. He would say how much he loved me and ask for advice, then have them swear not to say anything to me because he wanted our marriage to work. He even went so far to pull cousins, aunts and uncles aside during my grandmother’s funeral to say these things.
At the end of the year, while I was packing for a very large business meeting that was to announce a promotion for me, he told me he had cancer.
I believed him. Who besides a sociopath would say such a lie to their wife? That whole evening was spent crying and upset that my husband had cancer. Then I asked him a simple question, “Who is your doctor?” He couldn’t answer. Who would forget their cancer doctor? Then I realized, if he had been going to the doctor for such a serious illness, where were all the insurance bills? I have been to the doctor for a cold and gotten a bill from a lab, the doctor, then a follow-up from the insurance company to pay more, etc. I kicked him out.
I went to my business meeting and the onslaught of horrible screaming calls to the receptionist began from him. An entire week of this, while I was supposed to be there receiving a promotion. I left without the promotion and was basically fired”¦ “maybe you need to take some time to attend to personal problems.”
When I came home, I filed for divorce, cried for weeks and then looked around to find our money to pay bills. It was hidden; not a trace of paperwork was left. Every bill was in my name only. My friends, my family, my neighbors, even customers, no longer spoke to me. I deserved this, in their eyes.
Three years later, I still have nobody who fully believes me. I have one friend. My parents and I speak, but I don’t trust them not talk to my husband. If he has any information on me, he does whatever he can to destroy me. He abandoned our son, moved to another state to live with the next victim. My own sister sends him cards and letters and won’t speak to me.
The smear campaign
This woman was subjected to a smear campaign from her husband, the sociopath.
Abusers often use this tactic to cover up their own behavior and convince others that they are the ones being victimized. In fact, abusers frequently start the campaign as a pre-emptive strike, long before the relationship with the true victim collapses.
That’s what happened to the woman who wrote the letter. As the sociopath was getting ready to move on—he probably had his next victim already lined up—he laid the groundwork to destroy his wife. With his tears and skill as a liar, he convinced the woman’s friends and family of his story. They became unwitting co-conspirators.
What can you do?
Fighting the smear campaign is difficult. Most honest people can’t imagine that someone would be lying when making the outrageous charges that the sociopath claims, so they believe the lies. When the true victim finds out what has been said, everyone has already turned against her.
MSN Psychopath, a forum for victims, has a page about the smear campaign with suggestions on how to handle it. For example:
If anyone tries to talk to you about him, hold up your hand (like a stop sign) and say something like, “I don’t want to hear anything about him. He’s lying.” Say no more. If it continues, say, “My lawyer recommends I warn people they will have to testify where they heard that, should this turn into a libel or slander lawsuit.” Watch them scatter quickly when hearing this. This can cause people to stop cold and have another look at what they’ve been told.
Some more ideas: Say nothing but burst out with raucous laughter, slap your knee and laugh like crazy. “You should have heard what he said about his ex-girlfriend (ex-wife, you, his sister).” You get the idea.
Your own pre-emptive action
Once your relationship falls apart and you realize you’re dealing with a sociopath, or once you start to hear the lies, you may want to take your own pre-emptive action. Warn your family, friends, co-workers and the Human Resources Department at your job that the sociopath may start saying terrible things about you. This may work if their perceptions haven’t already been poisoned by the sociopath.
It may help to be able to explain why a person would say such terrible things. The reason, of course, is that the person is a sociopath. But as we all know, very few people understand what that means. To help others comprehend what you are dealing with, send them a link to Lovefraud.
I got this little parable from my P-son, of all places, but I think about it often.
The title is “Good luck? Bad luck?”
There once was a very poor old farmer in China named Woo. He had only one son, and one horse. One day Woo’s horse ran away. His neighbors knew this was a terrible piece of luck so they went to Woo’s hut to tell him how sorry they were that he had such bad luck. They told him, “Oh, Woo, such terrible bad luck, your horse ran away and now you can”t plant your fields and you and your son will starve, such BAD luck”
Woo shook his head and said “Bad luck? Good luck? Who can tell?”
The neighbors were very worried about Woo as he could obviously not see what a terrible piece of luck he had. They returned home thinking that the old man must be getting senile.
The next day Woo’s horse came back, and it brought a wild horse with it. The neighbors ran over to Woo’s to congratulate him on such good luck. They told him “Oh, woo, how wonderful such good luck, now you will have two strong horses to plow your field and you and your son will be come wealthy”
Woo, shook his had and said “Good luck, bad luck? Who can say?” The neighbors were all very concerned about Woo’s sanity this time and went away sorry for the old man who couldn’t see what good luck he had.
The third day, the new horse kicked Woo’s son and broke his leg. The neighbors were very worried about the old man now and went to his house to commiserate with his bad luck. They said “On Woo, we are so sorry your son’s injured, now you will both starve, Such BAD luck”
This time woo became very angry and said “Good luck? Bad luck? Who are YOU to say?” The neighbors went to their homes with hurt feelings because the old man had been rude to them. It was obvious to them that THEY could tell good luck from bad luck.
The next day, The emperor’s army marched through the village and took all the sons of woo’s neighbors off to the war, but they left woo’s son, because he had a broken leg.
In looking back over my life and the things that I “prayed for” that I thought I really wanted, or the things I rejoiced over sometimes it turned out that I really didn’t know what was “good luck or bad luck”—sometimes I think that the powers of the Universe don’t always give us what we think we want out of benevolence not malice.
When I was 8 years old I wanted a German Shepherd dog more than anything in the world, and my mother said I couldn’t have one. Then I read a story about a boy who was blind called “Follow My Leader” and because he was blind he got a German Shepherd guide dog. So for the entire year I prayed fervently for God to make me blind so I could have a German Shepherd dog. LOL Of course I can look back now, at my child-self praying to go blind, and laugh, but at the same time, my adult-self has wished for things just about as bad for me., and grieved over the many things I cannot control—and my faith that God will give me what I need, rather than what I think I want…and I thank God that the X-BF-P is out of my life, along with the rest of them!@.......
LilOrphan,
I did celebrate my birthday with a small dinner party. I wanted to sign on but I have been working like a maniac. I did an over night shift the day before my birthday which meant on my b’day, I came home and slept. Now I am doing another overnight shift following my regular PM shift at my other job.
I am juggling 2 jobs right now and working ridiculous hours because my policy is if they ask me to work, I will say yes, no matter what. I am striving for an impossible goal… to wipe my Maui debt clean by August just in case I get accepted to Grad School which starts late mid Aug. I would like to start out with a clean slate if at all possible. It’s not realistic but I want to get as close as possible. Still, I need to think about my mental health with how much I am working… I keep telling myself, I can get through anything.
So… I did take my birthday off and I did celebrate it with a small group of people. That’s just what I like.. food and small intimate groups.. and my I-am-not-sure-if-I-am-dating-him-guy was my guest. He did FINALLY give me a kiss but it was a peck and then I got really embarrassed and ran away. I am a BIG DORK. Oh well. He gave me some flowers, a parking pass (don’t ask.. this is something I asked for) and a bottle of massage oil.. he said a masage comes with it. Hmmmm. I don’t know about that buddy! Honestly, I think he is too shy to give me one and since I have my massage license, I am sure he will get stage fright. HAHA! Then again… maybe he won’t. I have been complaining a lot about back pain which is a new thing for me.. so his intentions are to help me out with that.
Anyway, I saw you asking to speak with Peggy the other night needing support and I wanted to offer my ear but I was too busy sleeping and having my b’day and I am also not connected at work on my weekend job anymore. So, I am on less now.
Oxdover,
I know you weren’t laughing at me. I don’t know what to say. I suppose there is some reason that this is the path my life is going but I do not understand it at all. Mostly, I just feel like it’s because of all the mistakes I have made.
I spend a lot of time now trying to avert disaster for others. That’s probably not a good use of time because we all have to fall on our own faces.
I still want a baby. I will always want that… but I want the package deal.. one that comes with a caring husband. :o( I know those are hard to come by.
Dreams… we all have dreams.
XO Aloha
“Dreams” we all have dreams.”
Yes, except P’s. They really don’t, not the kind that expand our universe, rather than contract it and bring pain. Imagine inside their heads it looks a great deal like it did in the head of Brain from Pinky and the Brain. If you’re not familiar, he spends nearly every episode trying to take over the world, imagining scenarios where he has everything and rules everyone!
So, dreams are good and normal. Maybe that is enough for us to head off on paths away from those who promise to share in our dreams but are incapable of delivering.
Am so glad you had the kind of birthday celebration you like, Aloha. Shy massage man could be part of life’s surprise party, the life Lennon says happens while we’re busy making other plans.
I want very much in the coming years to embrace that life simply for what it is and not what I wished it to become. For me, it feels like it’s passing by while I’m staring down the field at the goal posts instead of playing the ball where it’s laying, because that’s the only ball I have.
Peggy and I did manage to exchange emails and she has been wonderfully wise and supportive, like you and others. You guys get it because you’ve lived it. Thank you, though, for thinking of me.
Your life sounds very challenging right now, and full. Most of all it sounds quite authentic and headed somewhere good – the complete opposite of what your Bad Man’s life likely is.
Hugs…and here’s to having dreams.
Dear Aloha,
“dreams, dreams, we all have dreams” and YES WE SHOULD.
Looking back through my life prior to now, I can see the various dreams I had, some came true, some not. My biggest dream was for my family and my kids. I also realize it was FOR ME more than for them. It was MY DREAM FOR THEM…and I think that is never a good idea to dream for OTHERS, but we should only dream for OURSELVES.
Of course when my P-son didn’t SHARE MY DREAMS FOR HIM, it devastated me. I think maybe that was why I kept on trying and grieving for the loss of of MY dream.
I wanted this “happy family” with grandchildren, successful sons, nice spouses for them, etc. Instead son C married the P-DIL who hated me from the start and didn’t become part of our family, but isolated him instead. Only at Christmas did we for one day PRETEND WE WERE A FAMILY…and P-son was in prison, but PRETENDING to want to come home. The one time he got a chance to come home when he was 20, he purposely didn’t, and rubbed my nose in it that he didn’t want to (I guess instinctively he was punishing me by depriving me of his presence LOL)
There was nothing wrong with my dream except that it was a dream that I COULD NOT ACCOMPLISH ALONE. I looked around at the families where the adult kids were close to the parents, had good spouses, grandchildren that the GPS could interact with on a regular basis, etc. and I ENVIED THEM. I felt sad and deprived because they had the DREAM I WANTED and couldn’t get. After my husband died, my disappointment in my own dream for this “family” was really screwed…no way it could come true…that left me open to the P BF, and when that fell apart—it was a down hill spiral.
I’m not sure how much my grief, sadness, insanity, etc. was a reaction to what really WAS happening and how much was the LOSS OF MY DREAM…my grief over the loss of theDREAM of what I wanted and knew I could never have. Going NC with my mother, the P-by-Proxy enabler was the KEY that let me start to heal though. I don’t think I had made a significant step toward healing until I FINALLY GOT THE COURAGE to go NC with her. She also, I think, shared my DREAM, but was not willing to let go of hers EVEN IN THE FACE OF REALITY.
But the turning point for me, was that I realized that EVEN WITHOUT THE DREAM BECOMING REALITY (which in my case was a definite IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN) I finally realized that there are other good things in this world to enjoy and if I spent all my time GRIEVING OVER WHAT I DIDN’T HAVE, that I would MISS OUT on the things I COULD have.
I hope and pray that you, and everyone else on this board achieve their DREAMS, and that we all “live happily ever after.” But I am determined for the “happily ever after” even if I never achieve ANY of my dreams…just living happily is my BEST DREAM and I CAN ACCOMPLISH THAT–I have the power and control over ME. The things I have NO POWER OVER, those I will put into the hands of God…if it is meant to be for my good, it will happen, if not, I will accept what happens as what is meant to be.
Not long after my husband died in July 04, a medical student at UAMS in Little Rock, AR failed to make the Olympic team and was so upset that he stabbed his physician wife to death and then jumped to his own death from a tall building. WHAT A WASTE. I don’t know what else was going on with that couple, but supposedly because ONE dream didn’t come true, the man not only took his own life, but the life of his wife who was a gifted surgeon on her way to the top in her chosen profession. Both of them had sooooooo many other dreams I am sure, so much to offer not only to themselves but to their professions. Sure, his dream was real, and his dream was important to him, but in the larger scheme of things, he had so much to live for and he apparently let the loss of only ONE dream ruin his life, and ultimately take his and his wife’s lives.
I’ve thought about this couple a great deal because only two weeks before she died, she had operated on a friend of ours in a very very complex spinal cord surgery that was “leading edge” therapy and surgery for his terribly crushed spine (he fell off a mountain and crushed 6 vertebrae so badly two had to be removed. She replaced them with a titanium block. He is now mobile, walking and living a life relatively free of pain.
It is also sort of ironic that that very man, who can now WALK is in deep depression that because of his spinal injury he will never again be able to fly airplanes –HIS LIFE TIME DREAM, and one he was accomplishing before the surgery. NOW HIS LIFE IS DEVOID OF HAPPINESS because he can’t fly planes—yet he has so many other talents and things he CAN do, but he has focused on what he CANNOT DO, what he cannot control, and is letting that ruin the rest of his life. Fortunately, he is in therapy for this and I have great hopes that he will resolve this issue positively.
To me it is important to resolve our issues with DREAMS vs REALITY, and those that don’t come true, or that we can’t make come true, we must resolve and move on.
YOU STILL HAVE HOPE THAT YOUR DREAMS MAY COME TRUE, and I would never never want you to give up that hope as long as there IS HOPE, but I think when our hope is not reasonable, it becomes “Malignant hope” when we let it ruin the rest of our lives. I did that with my P-son, and my MALIGNANT HOPE, that he would “repent” and change and become the son I wanted, the son I DREAMED ABOUT, kept me in thrall to the DREAM when there was NO HOPE that it would ever come to pass.
Like Orphan, I am trying now to play the “ball where it lays” instead of saying “what if…?” or “Oh, how I wish…” I can make my life NOW a new starting point for NEW DREAMS, dreams that ARE POSSIBLE, and quit grieving over the dreams that ARE NO MORE. I hope all that makes some sense to someone besides me. LOL Healing, Peace and love, to all.
Oxdrover:
I love what you said, “just living happily is my BEST DREAM and I CAN ACCOMPLISH THAT”.
Aloha and others who have the happily married with children dream: I was married, but not happy. I have three beautiful children, but for all intensive purposes I have always been a single Mom, although I was married for 16 years. My ex never took them to a doctor/dentist, nor got up with them in the night. He was a potted plant. These children are MINE; he rarely even sees them (and lives 10 minutes away0. I have only technically been a “single Mom” for 5-1/2 years (since the separation and subsequent divorce), but I have always been a single Mom.
If you strongly desire children, you do not need a man to help you raise them. And of course there are either natural (or in-vitro) methods of insemination. Or there is adoption. I told myself at age 30 that if I didn’t get married (I did) that I would have a child on my own…20 years ago that was unconventional, but today it is widely accepted. There are sometimes alternative ways of achieving your dreams.
Everyone here is great. Why don’t we go on a Lovefraud cruise?
Oh, Peggy, I agreee with you that some of our dreams CAN be accomplished in alternative ways. We are all very CREATIVE, I do not doubt that for one moment. In one way my “happy family” has been acheived even with the loss of my P-son, in that I have a WONDERFUL adopted son, that I am so proud of. He is a godsend to me and it doesn’t matter to me that he is not my blood. I love him as much as if I had given birth to him and I PROUDLY tell people, “THIS IS MY SON, D.” If he ever does marry and have chldren, they will be MY grandchildren. Though I had hoped to hae grandchildren (biologically) I am glad now that it didn’t happen, I can’t imagine if one of them was a P how I would survive the grief, so maybe not having them is a blessing, and I realize too, that BLOOD DOES NOT MATTER in LOVE.
Blood relatives are who we are INFLICTED WITH, for better or worse, but our FAMILY is CHOSEN. I was given by the grace of God, a wonderful step father, and a wonderful husband (finally) and two wonderful young men as my sons, but I have no loving mother (she’s a P-by-proxy to the P-son) so my FAMILY are my close friends, including one first cousin. That’s it. No big wonderful family celebrations at Christmas with the “whole big extended family” there—but only a FEW PEOPLE but EVERY ONE OF THEM LOVES AND RESPECTS ME.
No hassle when “Uncle Monster” shows up and I am forced to pretend he isn’t a P of the worst sort. No hassle when DIL’s kids are so rude a normal person would crawl under the table, dig a hole in the floor and crawl out of the house, and she doesn’t even notice. No problem for Son D when DIL’s daughter makes sexually inappropriate moves on him IN PUBLIC–practically groping his crotch at the table. WOW! I’m gonna miss all that FAMILY FUN! N-O-T!!!!!!!!!!!!
Smear campaigns…. I’m waiting for my S to start one against me. I filed a court case against him this week, and he is really not happy about it. I wouldn’t put it past him to smear my name with the people we both know, but at this point I really can’t do anything to prevent it.
I’m pretty proud of myself this week – I went with a friend and got the last of my stuff from the S’s house on the weekend. It went way better than I thought it would, not because of anything he did or didn’t do, but because of how I reacted. I was expecting that I would be upset and crying afterwards, but I wasn’t at all. Instead I was just so relieved, thinking “My god, this could have been my life. I could have been stuck with this man, and I’m not – yahoo!”
He did try a few things to upset me (glaring at me, standing close and looming over me, making comments about how much happier he is now that he’s single), but I just didn’t react. It’s funny, because I didn’t go to his house thinking “I’ll show him, I just won’t react, ha!” I simply played it by ear, and didn’t react because I am very close to honestly not giving a crap about him anymore. I see him for what he is and his games for what they are, and I choose not to play. It was quite funny, you could see on his face that he wasn’t getting to me and by the end he didn’t quite know what to do, as his normal tricks weren’t working. Oh, and I’m sure we’ve all read about the “sociopathic gaze” – that cold, intense, intimidating, kind of predatory look? And how some women mistake it for a sexual thing? Well, he was doing it to me, and I realized for the first time what that look actually meant. Quite eye-opening, really.
I also filed a court case against him this week for the money he owes me, and had him served with court documents. I knew it needed to be done, and I had no other recourse. He’s been telling me sob stories for months about how broke he is and he had to borrow money to buy food for his kid. Well, ladies, when I got to his house, I saw that he had bought himself some very fancy new toys and done some nice re-decorating. I knew he was probably lying, but I saw the evidence with my own eyes.
So, I was very nervous after I’d sent the papers, waiting to see how he would react. He did something I didn’t expect. He went whining to his ex-wife’s family about how I’m suing him. His (get this) ex-mother in law emailed me the same afternoon he got his papers, asking me to drop the lawsuit. She said she thinks I am only doing this for revenge and because I’m hurt, and that he is planning to pay me soon, so don’t I think I should just drop the lawsuit and spare myself the hassle? Unbelievable how this man can con people. Seriously, he cheated on their daughter and is divorcing their daughter, and they are sticking up for him. Unreal.
I was really upset after I got the email from his ex-MIL, but had calmed down enough by last night to find the whole thing sort of amusing. I am trying really hard to stay detached from this whole thing, and maintain “mental NC” as much as possible. I had some bad dreams about him last night for the first time in a long time, I’m sure they were brought on by me stressing about this lawsuit.
I was thinking of emailing the ex-MIL back and telling her that, since this is now a legal matter, I don’t want to communicate with third parties, and that the S can contact me directly. But, honestly, I think I will just not answer the email. Why dignify this nonsense with a response? If any of them have a brain in their head, they will understand that the lawsuit is solely against the S, not against them, and so it really is not their business to be contacting me about it. He is an adult, I shouldn’t have to instruct him on how to communicate with me about a legal matter.
I realized yesterday that I still, in some small ways, taking responsibility for his actions. Just the fact that I would consider answering that email is kinda crazy on my part. Also, I felt a bit bad for a little while that I am hurting his feelings and upsetting him by taking him to court – crazy, I know. I also was feeling a bit of mourning again – that’s it, I took him to court, we really are never getting back together. Ah well.
But, overall I am doing quite well. I really am moving past this – not all the way there yet, but a substantial portion of the way there. I am trying hard to just take the court case one step at a time and not think about it constantly (easier said than done.) And I am very proud of myself for standing up for myself, finally, after all this time.
Any of you who are newly split up with an S, or still struggling – hang in there, it gets better, I promise. I didn’t think it would either, but it does.
LOL OxD. Your last two sentences remind me of how I felt after every family function!
Some days are best spent analyzing, reflecting, figuring out what we have to do to make ourselves better people. And some days, you just have to laugh at the absurdity of IT ALL.
WEll, laughing sure beats the heck out of crying about it, and I’ve done enough crying to last ten lifetimes! You are right, it is absurd, and in the grand scheme of things what we have REALLY lost is an illusion–and that’s all. It all this misery hadnn’t happened I would have been stuck PRETENDING every holiday for the rest of my life. At least now I don’t have that burden—I AM FREE!